"I am Swiss. HELP!", By Triple S, Chapter 8

Dairy of 2008-2010

Nov 18th 2008

Yesterday I moved into a yet smaller apartment than ever, in a super expensive very ugly little village. I had to get a new job in a hurry, my last one was with a security company, one of the big security jokes around the country. They train you a whole day behind a desk, basically telling you to be polite and not steal anything from the places you are sent to work at... Then they give you about 4 different uniforms, a knife (yes!!!), pepper spray and handcuffs ( I am not lying). They don't teach you how to use any of them. They sent me to do day jobs as a receptionist in a multinational company along with 2 other Swiss obnoxious ignorant females whose daily conversations were criticizing others and when they realized I didn't play want to play their game, they started backstabbing me. I was also sent to do night security of the whole building. I of course liked the night gig better, couldn't stand the 2 females, not to mention the snobby young Europeans who worked at that company, who thought they were hot shots because of their salaries, and positions. Some of these Europeans get a job in Switzerhell and have their salaries double from their last job in their own country, and all of a sudden they think they have attained superiority in the world. They know nothing about the scum of Switzerhell and don't care. All they care about is the reputation of Switzerhell and how proud they are to be working in that country! Poof, pof poof, idiots!

So I quit the security company to then find this new job in a hotel and management school. It is tough to find a reasonably priced apartment in the country as it is, and then find an apartment with 2 dogs, let alone a big dog, which of course I had to mention to the rental agencies. So I found a small studio on a ground floor that no one wanted, or at least no one with a job. I was going to work nights at the school and I knew that a ground floor studio with a window on the street side was not going to be a good idea, but it was the closest to work and the only one that was available soon. I am always too optimistic when I look at a place. I always think it's gona be fine, I'll make it work. It turned out another hell place; why do I still have hope to find a place where we can be at peace in this country? It wasn't so much the noise on the street, but as soon as the people of the building found out that I had a dog of a breed they hated, they started pounding down the stairs in the morning when they knew I was sleeping. It was a joy for them to know that I worked at night and they could f*** with my sleep without missing theirs. I wonder if Switzerland is a curse for me, if life is a curse, or if I am asking too much, wanting to be truly happy , having everything I want and having to deal only with life's dramas, not crap from people who have nothing else going on in their lives. On top of it, like many people, I am tired of dealing with life's other drama : not having enough money to live how I want to live. I take it for granted that I am confident enough that I'll find love, confident enough that I'll keep my good health, I'll be able to stay active and dance forever, confident enough for my dogs and animals to be healthier than others because I know how to make them work out and be strong mentally to stay strong. My one problem and the only one I have been having and stuck with for the last ten years has been the lack of money! Not only do I have to leave my dogs all night from 7 pm to 7 am, but I have only a few hours to sleep since these assholes wake me up through my earplugs. It's not healthy. I can take it for a while and actually being around all those nationalities at the hotel school would distract me from living in this hell-joint.

So moving to this studio is not bad considering I went through 2 other temporary living situations since I started this job which is far from my chalet. The first temporary place I stayed at was a rented caravan at a camping, 30 min away from my new work place. The caravan itself wasn't so bad. But the owner of the camping would come by every two hours as he did around the whole place, to see what people were doing. I first saw it as good security since the kind of people who go camping off season, in cold weather, or who live there year round, are not so educated in every sense of the term ( mentally, socially, hygienically, legally..) and not so trustworthy. Then, one day this camping owner/ manager guy, comes near my place and slams my window shut. It was open and all of a sudden I see and hear the window slam. I thought it could have been the wind while the guy was standing there but when I looked, he was right there near my window, with an angry face. I asked what the problem was and if it was really him who slammed my window. One of my dogs could have been there and could have gotten really hurt because it was a ceiling to bottom window. Plus, in a civilized world, you ask the person who is renting a place, if she or he could please close the window... Well, he said that he knew I had the heat on and I was not supposed to open the window while the heat was on because that was a waste of heat. I then heard him talk to a guy who asked what happened with me, and the idiot owner that I was a dummy and if I had a dog like that ( the breed), they should watch out and close the window from the outside again, because it was dangerous to have that dog in the caravan with the door open. It's funny when stupid people call others dumb, and it's even funnier when they can't express themselves and ask in a straight language to please close the window for x and y reason. Of course, had I been a man, the owner would never have slammed his window like that in the first place!

There are rooms available at the school ( various buildings) since there are not enough students to fill all the rooms up. But with 2 dogs, the school didn't want to rent out a room to me. They ( head of personnel and the school director) also said they didn't want to see the dogs in my car, that I wasn't allowed to take them with me, near the school. I asked why and they couldn't quite come up with an answer. I work at night and even if it was a bit cold at night and that should have been the only reason for the school to worry about me having my dogs in the car but it wasn't. If they were worried I would take the dogs out at night and scare the students, then what kind of trust are they putting in me who is going to be working at night when only one other employee of the school was on duty? They could have cared less about the well-being of the animals, like the Swiss in general. They didn't want the breed of my dog to be seen near their school. The only time they care about the well-being of any animal, is the animal that is going to be meat on their plate. I should be thankful some Swiss eat dogs...

I work for one of those "famous" hotel & management schools. The more I find out about the school, the more I realize that the only thing that is prestigious about this place is the price to get in. After that, the books the students show me are of much lesser quality than a bad city college material, the accommodations are not half of what you see and read on the brochure and the personnel ( managers, teachers, duty officers) that I have met all speak a bad broken English and education is all in English.

To my advantage, there are a lot of young guys from all over the world in the school, which are fun to have around when you're working. It makes time go faster. Sorry for the girls, I don't necessarily go for the company of younger spoiled female brats. Well they don't love me either since I am the one who checks on them like a cop. Yes my job is to go around and make sure everyone is their room, no drinking in the rooms, no cooking, no water boiler, no smoking in the rooms, etc. They're polite because they have to be, but from most of them they hate my guts when I catch them. But otherwise, they just don't give me the time of day, they go about their business, and that's fine with me. The Swiss in society will rest on my case and dwell on how to make my life miserable for reasons that are stupider than stupid , but these kids at school could make my life miserable if they wanted to, because I am there to watch them, to get them kicked out of school if I catch them doing something they're not supposed to, but these international young people actually have more important things in their lives than worrying about making someone's life miserable . My job is to report everything they do that's not according to the rules, and some of them get "final warnings", and then, if they mess up one day and get drunk, hit or hurt someone, they get expelled from the school. But I have to say, being around them is good for me at this point. I don't think they know how much good vibes they bring to me, compared to the Swiss scumbags in everyday life. As well as I don't think the Swiss know how much bad, gross energy they give off and how much I can't stand it and despise it.

My second temporary living situation before getting my studio was a rented room in a house for 4 weeks in the village where the school is. The house belonged to a Swiss couple, about my age with a female dog who got along superbly with my 2 dogs. That was the main reason we got along, but I must say, aside from the fact that I liked their house and its location ( in the mountain and in the forest, isolated), they acted very normal with me for the first 3 weeks. What was said behind my back doesn't fade me. The conversations I had with the woman, seldom with the man, of course were not fascinating, but I felt like she was sort of funny for a Swiss. I know the Swiss, they talk about the weather, what they had for lunch and then what the weather is going to be like next week, and if they get personal, they'll tell you bad stuff about their family members. She even badmouthed her husband. The Swiss always talk negative. Anyway, I almost felt like she was the first Swiss female I met that was kind of funny because even if she was criticizing everything she was doing it in a funny way and she laughed more than the whole Switzerhell put together. I thought woaw when one lives isolated ( the husband worked, she didn't), a Swiss can actually liberate itself from the filth of the masses. But one day she talked really close to me....and I smelled her breath. Now I knew why she seemed fun! She was an alcoholic. She was drunk all the time. To be sure every day after that, I would try to smell her breath discreetly. Not that she'd notice since she was tipsy. Yup, everyday she would smell like booze. But everything went smoothly during the 4 weeks, compared to all the other living situations I have had living near Swiss. Well, the couple knew I wasn't there for long and that the fact that I was working in that school, the only big business in the village, the couple wanted me to leave with a good feeling about them. Their little business of bed and breakfast was not doing so well. The woman had also had told me that the people living in the small village were afraid of the students of the hotel and management school, since a few incidents happened in the past where drunk students would break windows of houses here and there. That village with the school and all these international kids is a place separated in two worlds. There is the Swiss on one side and then the students of the school. In the school where I work, in the main building which was a beautiful palace back in the days, before the war, the staff of the school try to create this mystical vibe. They take the kids on night tours and tell them that the building was a refugee camp after the war and during, where there were a lot of injured and sick people. They make the students believe that the building was haunted, and still is today and that strange things happen. I have yet to see one for myself though. Apparently an exorcist came to the building a few years back to get rid of all the bad spirits(...). So it seems we're left with the good ones! I am trying to feel something weird, I don't. The staff tell the students all these scary stories and when a student then comes to say that they saw something like a ghost, the staff says : "you see I told you", when I know that these kids, away from home, sometimes tired, drunk or on drugs, would see anything you talk to them about.

I must say in the area when you go hiking you have a beautiful view of the region, and during the week, there are less people who hike than let's say, where my chalet is. Before I got my studio in that ugly village , when I was staying with this couple in the village where the school is, me and the dogs would go for long hikes all around and I saw a lot of different views and paths. I like to go on adventures. The problem was though, I would walk far, with the boys and then forget that we had to come back. I always wanted to see further and further. Since hiking with my boys in nature is the one and only joyous activity that I can do in this hell country, I do it as often as possible. Even if the scenery is always a bit the same in Switzerhell, I always like being in nature with my dogs, with no Swiss around, no one around. That is the only time I can appreciate life.

There is a student at the school who is older than others, he is 39, and he is Indian. Small, thin guy, well not shorter than me a bit taller than me really. Not my type, he is not into dogs, not into working out, he smokes... drinks... But we connect on some level. Is it because we are the same age, there is all that young sexual energy around us, and somehow physically, there is a flow that carries us both, probably. He has been married twice, has 2 kids. Apparently not much I like about him, except for what attracts us to each other. I hate to look for magic when it's probably ugly because we're both lonely romantically ( I just moved to new town, new job). As the matter of fact the first time I saw him I thought he wasn't supposed to be there, I thought he was some guy who hangs out around these young people! I asked my colleague who that weird older guy was. We didn't date, but he flirted with me a lot. He touched me, first in a friendly way, and then when no one was around, in a more sexual way. I off course must have given the vibe that it was ok, because I would have been offended to be even touched in a friendly way by any Swiss I was working with. Why do people turn cuter when we are attracted to them and then when we wake up and break up, they go right back to ugly? For real that's how I almost always feel about guys, except when I think they're cute right off the bat. Anyways this guy and I spent a lot of time talking during nights. He made time go faster.

Nov 20th:

I felt like my life was back to square one this morning, back to the hatred of the village I was kicked out of, in every way possible. I walked the dogs early and had 2 old people stare at me with nasty looks. That's not only heavier to see these nasty looks after a night of work and being very tired and eager to get some sleep, but it makes my hatred come back. Every time I move, I hope things will be different. I got a new job which I like and I thought that maybe while I am staying positive and thinking that people around here could be more tolerant towards a very calm old dog, no matter the breed. I thought people around here might even mind their own business. I am always full of hope. But when I get a load of hatred again, I have a hard time pretending these filthy people don't exist. I started crying and asking why do I have to live like this? I already don't like this country, the way people behave, their habits and thoughts, but if I was left in peace, I could bear it for a while. I have made a lot of efforts to find a decent life without all this hatred that was hurting me and my dogs, looking for a better place, thinking that somewhere in Switzerland, the country of my birth, there is got to be a peaceful place and time for me where I can just go to work, walk my dogs, without people harassing me with hatred. This morning I felt like this, again. I thought about what I could do. I could learn to deal with everyone's hatred, nasty looks and trials to get me to leave. I could quit my job as I just started. I could win the Lotto... All my options! I then looked at Lord Shiva's picture and wondered if he could be God or if God existed at all. I knew I had to find a way. Maybe rent out another apartment in a different town, hoping that it could be better. I was hiking yesterday and I saw this for rent sign on a chalet, way out in the mountain, and I called the guy , the apartment is a holiday apartment so it is a bit expensive and very far, without a road in the winter. I called him and said I wanted the apartment for one month, and that I wanted to see it. The guy said he is busy and can't show it, I don't know if he is suspicious of me wanting this place by myself, but hopefully he'll call me back to show me the place. I missed my chalet and I know Shadow does too. I know my dogs don't like me to work nights. They are quiet unless someone would make a big noise, but it is new for them to see me go every single night. I had done nights in my last job but I did days too. I thought maybe the dogs would get used to me working nights only. It would be a new rhythm. You never know. My dogs are so well-behaved, plus they know I love them a lot and I am always coming back so matter how long I leave them ( at least I think so). Did I make the right choice taking this new job?

November 21:

Why am I so unlucky in love and money? True, I am lucky to have , 2 healthy beautiful dogs and my health. I am a strong athlete. But for one I couldn't find a man in the US in 10 years spent there with whom I could build something! You could say I am attracting the wrong guys but the truth is meeting people is up to Destiny, I think. You can live in the same city and have the perfect man for you living across town and never meet him! 10 years back, I was doing childcare on Central Park West in a family that barely respected me, even if I was taking care of their 2 kids while they were gone for most of the day. That always amazes me how people give you their most precious beings, their children, and they treat you like lower class...I had a small tiny room for me and Shiva, with a view on the garbage bins in the yard. I had a tiny salary only when I was doing over a certain amount of hours. I was poor and treated like white trash by the people who gave me a roof, but yes, I enjoyed walking in Central Park every morning, enjoyed the dance classes I was taking, thanks to the scholarship program that dance studio had. Well maybe then, living in misery or not, there was my dream man, American or other, into dogs, working out, hiking in the wilderness and into animals in general, big sense of humour, great intelligence... Maybe he was in Manhattan, single, and we never met. Then again, maybe he wasn't. Is it really the power of the mind that attracts our perfect mate? Is it really when you're in a positive state of mind with great certainty, beliefs, faith that everyone gets her/his perfect mate? I understand the power of the mind when you try to reach a goal . I get that you'll eventually get results. But for love? And I am talking LOVE, not what tons of people think love is: they're lonely, someone gives them attention, it works out, it's comfortable. They have goals of marriage, children, so they go for it. Later they get divorced. I am talking about LOVE. Mutual great pure love. I know that even if it's pure it may not last forever but at least I mean real magical love. Love is how I love my dogs, unconditionally, but with a man, a being of my specie. The great thing with humans is that communication thing! It is clear and magical. I love my dogs and we have a great relationship, but I do wonder what they think and feel a lot of times, since we communicate differently. I think real love has to contain admiration, communication, somewhat of the same logic, same thinking process or if not, at least you understand the other's thinking process and respect it fully. Love is also the history and the events that you share in your life, your path. Anyway I am 37 and I have often thought or hoped I found HIM, when meeting a new guy, especially before knowing him well...because after knowing more of him, I'd always realize that it's not HIM.

Money and love, I want! Or how about money or love? I'll gladly settle for one of them! But it needs to be the real thing. Big money or real love. Am I asking too much? Do most people not get either? Do most people settle for comfort in marriage and just enough money to live on? These people want kids, they love their kids( some don't actually do that either). Some people love their job enough to then only look for a comfortable relationship. And then you have idiots who don't know what they want : they mess with other people's lives for distraction. Many people keep looking for distractions all the time because life sucks. Well life doesn't have to suck. We can make an effort. I believe I have but keep being bullied, hence the need for help from above every once in a while. I confess I don't like most people in Switzerhell. Why do I feel guilty after all they have done to us? Should I have taken all the hatred from Swiss people and forget about it, and love them anyway? Should I have thought that it was ok to get hatred and forgive them day after day? Who can do that? God maybe.

　

Nov22:

I have been feeling love for a guy who doesn't give me love back. Again. Why do I do that? These feelings are uncontrollable it seems. Yet I know I should have control of what I let myself feel. I hate feeling this weakness for a guy and not receiving anything from him. It turns out he was giving me attention, he wanted sex and that's it, just like most guys. I am ready for something else, especially with a non-Swiss like him. I know he is not the guy, that's the sad thing. We have nothing in common, I don't even like how he thinks, but I don't know ( and I hate not knowing) if I feel this way for him because I am desperate to connect with a man since it's so rare for me to find a man I like in Switzerhell even among foreigners, or if I really feel love for this person who doesn't love me back? Either way it's sad. I am such a together, proud person in general, but every blue moon I get in situations or circumstances where I just have to have this guy, and I want him to give me a lot, to be madly in love with me! Sue me! It's only human, but the weakness I feel I don't like! I am messed up emotionally. I have so much love to give. I guess many women feel that way. I do like to receive more than I like to give in the beginning, but sometimes I get into these guys who don't give me anything and I feel like giving a lot to them. Most of the time I can stop myself before giving sex but sometimes not. I haven't had sex with this guy. I should really forget about him. I also would like to have a guy that I could really connect with to have an ally in this filthy place. It's not that I want a man to protect me but a man I can agree with on how things work in Switzerhell and who understands me.

　

I would like God to help me. If I had to believe in God, Shiva's pictures are exactly what I would want my God to look like: gorgeous man, yet feminine enough to let me think he could be like a mother to me, lots of beautiful colors, life's great treasures! It definitely works better for me than skinny Jesus suffering with his hands pierced and bleeding hanging on a cross!! Dark and sad! Shiva is alive yet relaxed. He is above everything. I have actually started to feel that "above it all " feeling tonight. There was a situation with students, and I could have gotten all into it like usually, but I stepped back and I felt above all that. Not superior but that it doesn't get to me! I wish I could feel that when I am with my dogs, about peoples' stares, comments, insults,etc

I am really tired right now its 5AM, and I am working until 6 am. I so would like to win the Lotto to stop working, just work on things I want to get better at and learn. My job is ok but not very intellectual nor stimulating in any way. I know many people feel that way and dream of a million dollars coming out of a 2 dollar Lotto ticket. I also don't know why I don't have love of a man in my life. I am thinking that I have to do something. So what is it? keep praying? keep the faith? keep hoping? I am working hard at creating my destiny, my happiness. I know I can do a lot, I am powerful but I also know that I need help. I have prayed Lord Shiva to protect my Shiva since when I lived in East Harlem for the first time. Shiva has protected my dogs ever since. We have had little sickness here and there but overall he has watched over my pups when I am not around. And I think he has helped me because that's something I have asked with all my heart. I thought I had asked for love, the perfect mate with all my heart, but I mustn't have. Even the jackpot, I can't put as much heart as with my dogs, even if I try to think that having that money would enable us to have little friends and girlfriends for my boys. How do you put more heart into something you want? I want those things, I do. I think I concentrate in the present moment too much. I used to think I was a dreamer, always thinking about the future, but I think that really I am focused on what I need now more than anything, which means sleep, food, love and I get sleep, food and love from my dogs. I don't think I am seeing the big picture! I am such a down to earth person. Let's live the moment right now! It's good sometimes, or it's good to have that, but I lack desire to attract something bigger when there is no way to have it right now! Patience is a virtue I don't have, even if life forces me to have patience.

Nov24th:

Today I am thinking less about that guy that I thought I was in lust with. It's weird though. I am not sure how I truly feel about him. I guess I don't know him well enough, but I was hurt he didn't respond to the fact that I liked him. I was used to having guys like me more than I liked them but with age , that happens less and less... And it hurts! Anyway, I have talked to him and I do like his presence I can't deny it, and as much as I think he is not for me, I still think we are connected in some way. It's almost as if I don't need to be his girlfriend, I just need to be in his life. He was married and he has kids so he's got important people in his life. I am wild and free and want someone who has only me in his life, like I'll have only him. Anyway I am not hurt by the fact that we're not together even if I liked the attention he was giving me in the beginning. I think like all guys they try to get a girl sometimes just to see if they can, and when they see the girl likes them back, they're not so interested anymore. Well such is life and so are humans... I guess I am a stupid human too, and I have to deal with the life that I have been given ...or that I have created for myself..? That triggers my curiosity and thoughts everyday: how much have we been given by Destiny and how much have we created of our life? We can't have created the beginning. They say your life is what you have made it, but you were born somewhere with certain surroundings. Did your psyche live before you were born and create the beginning of your life? Or is it reincarnation ? Does that exist? Or are we just random humans born everywhere ? All these questions I would like an answer to. At least now I believe in my God, which is Lord Shiva. I don't believe he created me, I believe he helps me now that I have acknowledged him in the right way. He is the kind of God I want and I like. I am starting to have real faith. Even if I am troubled these days by my liking of that weird guy who is nothing like the man of my dreams, I still have certain feelings for him. It's probably because I am desperate for love at this point and since we connect on some level, I let myself be drawn to him. I don't like it but I am trying to see him more and talk with him about everything because since he thinks differently, spending that kind of time with him makes me like him less. I also have a weird pity for him sometimes, I don't know if it's because he is older than other students, or if it's because he is so skinny, or what, but I have all these weird feelings on top of the fact that I feel love or lust for him. I am not IN love with him at least I know that. I just have these weird feelings toward this guy who turns out to be weird too. My colleague who is German and a bit psychic about things was telling me that he feels it's weird that a guy his age would come to school with all these young kids. He said he could be running away from his past. I personally don't like the fact that he has kids plus he is not spending time and his life with his kids. Yes divorce is one thing but a good father tried to live close to his kids so that he can do activities with them and share a part of his life with them. Anyway, he is definitely not the man of my life and I hate having feelings for a guy like that. Maybe I just have tenderness and affection for him, and I translate it into " I need you to love me!". I so have two persons in me: I have this caring person who sees the best in people and wants to help them to do good for them, also wants to do a lot for dogs and other animals but I feel powerless there. I then have this other person in me that's a killer, a warrior, that only cares about herself and want to have more power, not necessarily to help others but to feel freer. That power comes from money basically. I don't have it and it drives me up the wall! Of course I think Lord Shiva will help me because he can.

I am going back to the gym. I signed up in a town close to our studio. I must say the young crowd that is there is so much better than the older stupidest crowd of the Geneva region health clubs. Here people are almost normal, they don't stare, do their thing, almost like the US ( almost....). The fun part of people is of course missing. One can't ask too much of people living in Switzerhell.

Working at night doesn't bother me at all, as I thought it could after a while. It's probably not the healthiest thing but I feel a bit aside from Swiss society that way. I only have to live "with them" in the afternoon. Mornings I sleep. My dogs get stuck in the studio all morning, but I walk them at 6am when I come home and the afternoons usually we walk for about 3 hours in the mountains. My dogs are getting old so my timing is bad, I should have moved here when I got the teaching job ( the same school offered me a teaching English job a while ago) 6 years ago. They were younger and they could have enjoyed the long walks more. But such is life. I have made mistakes, that is maybe why my life has turned out shitty. I made too many mistakes. That is a horrible feeling. Of course I have to live without thinking about that, have no regrets and move forward but I , can't help thinking sometimes why I made so many mistakes..?? Am I such a mess in my head? Is it because I never had a role model, my parent which was my mother wasn't a good life teacher? I am sick of blaming my mother, because even if some was her fault; had my spirit been stronger I should have been able to find other role models. When I was in SF when I was 17, 18 ,19, 20, I should have attracted more awesome people. I didn't. I didn't attract people who have done horrible things either. I have met good people, but not great people like the US if full of. As a European I attracted what I was used to having around me: half-decent people, that's it. For a Swiss person, it was already fantastic to live in an American city alone, and experience life! I didn't have it in me to attract greatness, as a Swiss. Yes I blame it on Switzerland! I think now that I have really been back for 3 and a half years, I have been able to see people for what they really are, not just because they annoy me but really for their lack of goodness, soul, spirit and inner beauty. How could great Americans fall in love with me as I was still a Swiss? I could enjoy the fun but I couldn't change. Now I believe I have found myself and have been able to get rid of most of the Swiss in me. My problem now is that I have let my life go down to this level that I can't come back up, financially. My dogs have helped to keep me strong and realistic. Now I need Lord Shiva to help to lift me up higher. I think that books like The Secret and Anthony Robbins' have not been bad for me, even if they have not done wonders, I still think they have brought a positive base back in me.

Nov 29th

I am love sick. I have been flirting with this guy and he is not into me as much as I would like him to be. He was in the beginning and then once I got into him he is not anymore... It hurts. I am not sure if I am in love, lust, or nothing but sorrow because I don't have a man in my life. I am starting to yearn for that connection... and I don't have it with him, I just feel a vibe between us, or I am just drawn to him after months of "hibernation". My life in the last 7 months has not had too many decent men around. Either way, I am hurting. I am always the one saying physical pain is the worst for me and I maintain, but dam it hurts physically as well. I think it's because he doesn't want to have sex that bad, as I always had men want to have sex with me. I am getting old or he is a different kind of guy, or as I said he is just not into me. I long for love with a man and even if I know he is not the man of my life, I feel he belongs in my life right now more than he is willing. Is it my ego hurting? I can't even tell! That's weird for me, the queen of " I know myself well". I know that I long for love with a perfect ( for me) man and money right now . I am dying to be happier than anybody! It's actually a weird feeling, I know I have been wanting money for a while, for years now, but I have never wanted to be happy the way I want to be happy right now. I cry a lot these days. I cried a lot when I thought I had power over what happens to me because focusing on it was gona make it happen, I thought I had made efforts to be positive about what I want and I thought I was attracting, I thought I could win this lotto because I really wanted it, I thought good things were finally coming to me because I had understood the thought process. It turned out, I was feeling something but the amount of happiness and greatness that I want, is too much , and I am not that strong to attract all that! Just like these motivators, they tell you can have anything you want, but the lotto? No don't wish for that, it's too much! Think of practical ways to get your money... Right, I am bleeding for great happiness, and I need love and money to get there. I feel happiness inside of me. Lord Shiva is helping me keeping it alive inside of me but this happiness is surrounded by crap that is not letting it breath. Truth is, a man is needed now. Money has always been needed. I am not good at attracting those two things and they are the ones I need the most. How come I can attract things I don't need or things I need to just survive, but the things I am passionate about and that would make my life a fascinating net, I am not able to attract? It seems like Destiny is afraid of my passion, it's too strong for my Destiny. My Destiny likes to keep it simple. Dogs, working out, eat well sleep well... work a bit... But I want more!! I want great love the kind that you know will last! I want jackpots, like it's way more than you expected and you have to give money away to dog shelters! I want dancing like where people tell me " I have never seen such a dancer!". I want martial arts abilities like people wonder if I am human! I want healthy beautiful loving dogs and cats and cows, like I am a vet despite myself! I want a life where I sleep with a smile every night! I want evil people to be afraid of me! I want great people to teach me stuff! I know, I want I want I want.. It seems Destiny has told me to sit and wait, don't expect too much. It seems but I don't want it to be true! I won't let it be true. I used to say " don't fight Destiny" or " you can't fight Destiny". It's just that I have to stop seeing it as a strong power that doesn't want my best happiness, but works in mysterious ways sometimes to hurt me and sometimes to please me. I still don't like that. I want Destiny to be my best friend. I want Lord Shiva to be my God. My God who wants the best for me at all times. Destiny, my best friend who shows me that things do come true , dreams do come true. I am not old, am still young! Yes I am!

There was a French guy working at my old security job, the job I disliked, he was the only smart guy around. He was doing nights only. He told me a job like this or bad stuff that happens in life can be trampoline into something else. I like to think as all my sad periods in life as trampolines. I got this job which is better and it brought me here in Caux, which is a mountain I like. This mountain has made me want more, lots more in my life! Not just the lotto winning which I still want but MORE! Some say wanting more is not what is gona bring more, it will only make you suffer! No I don't believe that. I believe it's good that I want more already, so it's turning me to the right direction. I walk all over this mountain with my dogs, and it makes me strong, and gives me something different. I always said , when I was in the US, I missed the land I was used to in Switzerhell, nothing else. This mountain is the kind of land I like. The people I hate as usual, but I must say the mountain is taking me higher in all kinds of ways. I am not happier yet but things are turbulent inside of me and it's not for the worst. I cry a lot and it hurts these days, but sitting here writing about it and listening to Allan Jackson, gives me hope that my turbulence inside because of that guy is not necessarily linked to him. I think I'll have to have sex with him and I'll be over wanting him. Most of the times, guys are not that good and they turn me off after sex. The pain I am feeling I believe is opening some doors to something bigger. It may be my 3:30 AM imagination ( I am at work), but I feel life shaking!

December 1

I had sex with my stupid ex boyfriend, this afternoon. I had been sad for the last 2 weeks because I wanted this guy at school but I felt he didn't want me. So today this guy I went out with when I got back from the US, for a while, was here to see me. We went for a long dog walk, hike in the mountain and then... He 's wanted to stay friends ever since I broke up with him. But almost every time we spend some time, an afternoon outside hiking or eating at a restaurant, then he tries to touch me and have sex with me, yet he says he's ok with just being friends. Today I felt sad but laughing with him in the afternoon was cool so I was gave it up. It wasn't very good. And then while having sex I was thinking about the guy I like at school and tonight I went to his room and let myself go , he started to touch me, it felt great. I love the touch of this man. He is 39 years old and he is not a big guy like I usually like them but this vibe about him I love how he feels! I don't know if it was because we had to be quiet, or because I had sex this afternoon with some guy ( I know him well but still just some guy) . He felt good. I knew there was something about this guy I liked. It wasn't frustrating sex like I have had many times when the feeling was not there. This guy... he is not my dream guy but there is something very sweet and passionate about him and how he makes me feel. I like it. I like him! It was good even if it wasn't awsome. I must say that if a man makes you feel good just by his touch, there is something there to explore. I hope he will keep liking me... I am working until 6 am. After having sex with him and being with him, I feel good inside and I just want to sleep so badly! I would sleep like a baby if I could go to sleep right now! I feel like I needed to have sex with him and now I feel appeased!

Dec 2nd

Yesterday having sex with that guy even if it wasn't awesome, gave me what I needed. I had wanted to have sex and he had said no the first night I really wanted it, and I felt like he didn't like me and it bothered me. I had him last night and it felt right to do it after having wanted it! So today I saw him again, but just as I thought, I like him less. Works every time with me : after I have sex , since most of the times, it's not great, I start liking the guy less. I still like him, but he didn't make me feel the magic, so I can't admire or love him. We kissed and it seemed he wanted to do it again, but I had to work and I didn't really want to anyway. I do like his touch, his kiss, which is hard enough to find that. I am glad he still wants to be with me, even if we can't say we're together yet. He feels good and his presence even makes me feel good, so I can't let go of a guy like that, since I hate most presence of humans in this country. Maybe it's all relative. I so don't see or meet guys I like in this country that a guy with slightly smoother vibe could make me want him more than if we were in another country.

Dec6th:

Today I wanted to go up to the isolated vacation apartment that I rented, far up in the mountain above Caux. It's called Jaman, I think it sounds like a fun place to have an apartment. There is only a restaurant and 4 chalets where people only come on vacation. I wanted to bring a 15 kg bag of dog food because the place is unattainable by car. The walk is about 9km. The road is not done at all, there is a lot of snow. It's a country-skiing path, going uphill very gently. The thing is these Swiss people work only when they feel like it, so now it's December, there 's plenty of snow but they don't feel like working on flattening the path for country-skiers and hikers. They have the machines, they have the time, bu they'd rather spend it at the local café, drinking and smoking. They will eventually do the "pista", but when? So I walked in deep snow, up to my knees, 9 km, with Shiva in my backpack, pulling 15kg worth of food on a plastic bobsled behind me. It was so hard , I didn't want to make Shadow pull it at all, so I did. I had worked the day before, and I only slept 4 or 5 hours in the morning. I hadn't put myself through that in a long time. I was literally dying. Breathing hard, leg pain, tired from not having slept enough, back pain from carrying 5kg on my back ( Shiva) and pulling 15kg. I had a string linked from the bobsled to my waist so I was feeling the thin cutting-feeling string in the front of my stomach. It took 3 hours and a half to walk up. When I got close to the place, I had to put Shiva down on the ground and ask him to walk, I thought I was going to die. otherwise. So I put pumpkin on the floor and he was in deep snow, it was very hard for him to walk in there, but I was not thinking properly and I let him jump like a rabbit for too long of a walk. I put the bag inside the apartment, and turned back around to hit the way down. It had snowed all that time, so the marks that Shadow and me made were sort of gone, there was another layer of snow. Shiva couldn't make it, I put him on the bob and pulled him but he was immobile and getting very cold. He was crying and when he cries, he is in real pain. So I had him run a bit and then back on the bob, back to running, and so on. But then he was freezing, he is low to the ground. I was stupid to let him out of the bag then, too early! I thought I couldn't run because I was really seriously out of energy, my nerves were up from weakness. I was so scared of losing Shiva, meaning that he would die from the freezing cold. I pushed Shadow because I knew it was hard for him but he could do it, he had to do it, just like I had to do it. The way back took 2hours and a half. I haven't pushed myself like that in years. I was upset but didn't have enough energy to get that angry even though I felt it on the inside, nor did I have the energy to cry. I thought for a moment that I would give up. I don't like that feeling. I wasn't really dying but that's when I realize that I am not that strong mentally and am a bit suicidal sometimes, or I test myself to the limit. Anyway I did take Shiva in the backpack for the last hour . He was full of snow and ice but the warmth of my body and the jacket over the backpack got him to stop shivering after a while and he was ok. I was glad that he was ok. I don't know what I would do if he died because of me. Especially when I could have done things better. Well that was a tough afternoon. I had to then go to work where I am now and work all night without resting. It's really tough tonight but I am drinking coffee and so far so good. I totally needed to rest after that ordeal , but we can't always do what we want, or what we need to do for our health!

2 days ago I bought the movie "The Gameplan" with The Rock. The first time I watched it, had so much fun, just to see Dwayne Johnson in a funny role and to see real men ( big American football players) made me feel like being in the US. I am suffering here, have been for 3 years, but I guess as a poor person, it wasn't the worst thing to come back to Switzerhell where I can work legally and get a decent salary. So I am thinking it may be that I need to have some kind of closure with this country. I hate it but I find my moments, and I pray Shiva for help. Help that I can win the Lotto. Actually I also need love. The funny thing , I was into this one guy who wasn't really into me the last month or so. Well I saw that movie with The Rock and boom, I can't even think why I liked the guy here. Zip! all the feelings I thought I had, are gone. I knew there weren't love feelings but I was hurt because he was so not into me. Yet we had sex. It was bad as usual... The Rock is a dream man, the only man I dream about like that. Millions of females probably dream about him but I hope to meet him one day and get married just like I hope to win a huge jackpot at a Lotto game. It sounds ridiculous, but the hope is there, and I won't stop it because this reality of hell says it's impossible or ridiculous to dream that. I believe in winning the money more than I believe in real love right now. I need love badly. I haven't found it anywhere. I am starting to think something is wrong with me. I am going to see some guy with special powers ( a famous Swiss healer) in 4 days at a mini-convention in a city close-by. We'll see if he helps. I think Lord Shiva helps. I am not sure I am praying the right way, letting my demons go or keeping them like dear gold... I have just started to believe in Shiva in a way I had never. It was since I put that picture of him with black in the background, on the wall. I am really happy not to think about that guy that has nothing for me and that I wanted to be into me. I just wanted a guy I liked to like me back. I haven't miraculously shifted my feeling. With the help of The Rock: He doesn't even know but he has helped me do that! He represents a great American man I could really love, and seeing him in a movie here, where men are ugly pricks, gives me hope. I also truly believe I could meet him one day. It's crazy right, it sounds like ridiculous women behind their TV screens gossiping about their idol, and hoping he will come to their house one day.... Oh well I am a ridiculous dreamer too...

Dec 6th

This French guy I dated for a while when I first came back from the US: He was nice to me and I went out with him a few months back. I was never in love with him. He and I spent Christmas together . He didn't even give me anything special. He wasn't in love either I guess in the beginning. Then later he started to say he could see us together long term. It's sad when you're with someone and you're not in love which was my case, but I guess it worked for me at the time. However I didn't lie and told him I wanted to think that far ahead and later told him that I wanted to break up since I wasn't in love really. He was a bit sad. He said he wanted to be friends so we still did some activities like hiking together and going to events. I know Shadow liked him so I was ok with that. He after 3 years is still calling me to do activities and sometimes he tries and wants to touch me. As much as I don't mind having him around to go hiking ( hell no other guy comes hiking with me), I don't get excited by his presence nor do I like him to show any kind of interest in me, so I spend time with him just because it's comfortable and we laugh, my dogs like him, well Shadow likes him. Shiva has liked other guys more. Shadow just loves whoever likes him, poor thing, there are so many people he knows who don't like him. Well anyway today I had the great idea to take the train up to Jaman, up in the high mountain but not at the top, because I wanted to see if there was a way to get to the new place I rented that was faster than the 3 hour walk in deep snow. It turned out there wasn't. I wanted to walk down from there, but there was no path, and bodybuilder Frenchy was scared of the risk of avalanche so he said he wouldn't go and he wouldn't let me go down that way by myself either, so we took the train back down.

I go on the web a lot when I am at work during the night. I dream as I enjoy going to look for houses for sale in California...or how to volunteer at a dog, cat or animal shelter. I get excited, I think my life should come true. My dream life of being married to Dwayne Johnson, and leading my life as an athlete, dancer and animal protector would so feel right and organic! I would like to write my book about the reality of Switzerhell, the country that I suffer coming from. Yes I know it could be worse I could come from....wait no it can't be worse. One could be from a really poor country or a poor family and not have the opportunity to get any sort of education, but at least in those countries, there is a soul, a culture, a positive way of life, otherwise these people wouldn't survive. I have been to poor villages in Africa ( Senegal and North Africa) and people may be poor, but they have a soul, a great philosophy about life. They live in communities and help each other out in ways that makes life make sense. Switzerland's spirit is not only dead but soul less, lifeless. I truly think all other countries have more of a zest of life.

Dec 9th, 4am.

Tomorrow night I am going to a 30 minute session with a group of people who all want to be healed by this "healer" guy with "special powers". I am going to see if he can tell me something useful and with Shadow's picture, to have him help my dog with his arthritis. I am glad I don't like that guy I wanted so badly anymore, but I am afraid I could be pregnant. I can't have a baby with that dude! On top of the fact that the sex was bad, he didn't even call me on my days off afterwards. Maybe he felt I liked him less afterwards, but still a guy that doesn't call after sex, I am sorry, I can't see him the same way. But at least I get a reality check really fast and then I get disgusted by the guy as a whole. If the guy keeps on being nice like the French guy I never was in love with, but he still travels far to come to see me and invites me for dinner at restaurants here and there, as friends , like we say. Yes it's because he wants me back and wants to get sex since I gave it up twice since we have been just friends... I expect a lot, that is probably why I haven't fallen in love because no man has ever treated me that good. I treat myself well, so if the guy isn't going to treat me even better, what's the use. It is then not very appealing.

Today I got upset a few times ( I am working on avoiding that): The first time was when I am driving down to the gym, this one car coming from the other direction didn't scoot over on the road so I had no space and bumped into another parked car which broke my outside rearview mirror. I jumped out of the car and was going to get him, I ran but the car drove away . When I get upset suddenly like that, I don't know what I could do, a lot of damage for sure. So it was for the better that he left fast. Then I went down to the town. Finding a parking spot is more than hectic these day because it's almost Christmas and there is a Christmas market that sells all kinds of stuff on the main street. I parked a bit far from the gym in a parking lot, where I was running to the meter to put money in and this Swiss guy was walking in between cars just where I was walking and he wouldn't move for me to go fast. He was staring at me as I passed by without touching him but without going slower either. These Swiss people, they don't like someone to go fast near them. They're not used to it and anything they're not used to, they hate. So he was staring at me, mumbling something like I shouldn't run or something. How about leaving me alone if I want to run , move fast , it's my life and you should be minding your own business. But probably he felt disturbed by my speed of walk, so a Swiss man disturbed by a female and a younger female is unbearable for him! Gee, this makes you wonder why I hate Swiss men ( and women for that matter). Actually many Swiss women date foreign men, whether they're North Africans, Africans, latin, and French, Italian, Spanish, etc! I have a German guy as a colleague and I think he is more fun than any Swiss I know. Imagine, a German guy! A lot of times he is funny. I don't know if I don't even remember what a great guy is that I think a German guy is funny, or he is an exception . I guess it's like the French or any other country except Switerhell; People are sort of normal, some good, some bad. In Switzerland they're all retards! And at least retards are seen as that, but the Swiss still enjoy some kind of awesome reputation. Come on puke with me!!! I believe the generation of my grand-father, the Swiss had at least a good work ethics philosophy. They worked hard and wanted to do their jobs right. At least that! Now they have become lazy, confused, illogical and pathetic, all in two generations.

Dec15th: I am definitely over that older student guy. As the matter of fact the only reason I still think about him is that I am praying and hoping for my period. As much as I usually hate having my period, not only because of the excruciating pain, but also I always say: Why do we women have to go through that? Just the fact that we loose blood once a month, is that fair? Men are also stronger physically, is it fair? Yes when men treat women with respect, share their feelings, trust , show love and romance, protect and cherish women for their entire life( that's what love should be about), then ok it's fair, or at least there is some kind of balance. But most men are scum. I am good with getting disgusted with scumbags really quickly, as I am with this guy I thought I had feelings for. The fact and the matter is, I am so longing to have real love that I always get my hopes up when I feel something good. But now I am praying for my period because not only am I not in a point in time to have a child in my life, but also I hate the guy, mentally, his personality so much that I wouldn't want a kid from him. So I am hoping to see the blood and feel the pain of my period to show that I am not pregnant. I am so longing to meet a great guy. So I am in love with my dogs, sure, have always been, but it's different. My Shadow though has a limp again. I pushed him too hard the other day when I wanted to go up to the far away apartment that I rented. It's my fault, I pushed him too hard! But he forgives me, he is so sweet. I yelled at both my dogs to walk faster in the snow because I thought they could make more of an effort and now Shadow is limping. It turns out I decided to rent that mountain apartment for a month. Without my dogs walking with me up and down, it's hell. I left the dogs up during the nights when I worked. At 6 am when I got off work, I hiked up the mountain for an hour and a half ( walking fast) in the deep dark ( well snowy) forest. I am not scared strangely enough, alone in the forest ( actually the moon was lighting up the terrain a bit). But I felt so guilty for leaving them for 15 hours that I was trying to rush up. And after a night of work, it's tough. Well the first night is not so bad but I did it the day after, it was painful. Anyway, I am hating my destiny. Sometimes I think things are looking brighter, my luck is turning around, and then it doesn't , or not for long, and not much. I need to win those millions or find real love, one of the two has to happen for me to get happy, really. I love my dogs but I need extra help living in this hell country. I still can't stand the Swiss anymore at all. The cops drove by the other day as I was walking the dogs and they stopped at a distance when they saw me. I don't know if someone called them to tell them there was " one of the horrible dog breeds" in the village and they came to check, or if they were just driving around and saw me and decided to watch us for a while, and bug us. I still hate the feeling of cops staring at my dog and me, just like any Swiss with their nasty looks like my baby is a danger for their filthy society or something. I have the dog on a leash, always in the village. Now he is old and calm, you can see it, there is no reason to look at him with a nasty look. I have so had enough. Yes I hate them three times more than before. Hurting them would make me feel better. But for how long? Do I have to punch everyone who gives us a nasty look? Too much work!!! It is just the years of hatred that I have gotten for that beautiful dog of mine, only because of the way he looks. He has never bitten anyone nor tried to bite someone. He is my baby that I love. It hurts, it has hurt, it will hurt. The pain turns into anger, or crying. I don't cry because of these idiots, I cry because I have to live here amongst them. I don't have the money to go live the life I want. I don't want a life like buying a yacht and doing nothing all day, or buying houses everywhere and leaving them empty. I want a home, take care of more animals, and train. OK the only thing I want that is selfish is train everyday, as an athlete, dancer, bodybuilder and capoeirista. Aside from that I want to volunteer at the shelter working with dogs or other animals, I want to help people who have dogs and don't know how to take care of them, I want to help people have the best relationship with their dog. Is that all so bad, what I want? No but who wins the Lotto? People who buy a Porsche for their father who is unable to drive it without killing himself! Yes there was a huge jackpot a few months back, and this French guy who was a doorman at a hotel in Geneva won all of it. He bought a Porsche for his father and his father died a few weeks later, in an accident, driving that Porsche. The son was pretty messed up over it. Don't tell me God hates the fact that I want to help animals and! Silly question but it crossed my mind. I am not praying Lord Shiva for money anymore. He doesn't want to make me win but since he has helped me with protecting my dogs along the years, I can't be anything but grateful to Shiva, and will keep on praying him for protection of my dogs and myself.

I can be psychic sometimes. I have a feeling I can see the numbers before they come out. It's as if I knew I was holding back, in fear that my label wouldn't be "free spirit" anymore, but "psychic", or in fear to see too much into the future, which I wouldn't want. I am not someone who likes to know what tomorrow will be like. I need to walk the walk, take the path. How do I free myself just for these games, just for the money? Is money is dirty? That's what we have been told. Money is not everything, money needs to be earned,etc. I probably heard lots of those. Truth is money is the best tool on this planet. I am not sure my unconscious knows that yet. Let me tell my unconscious! We have so much crap fed to us since we are little, into our brains.

Dec 18th:

The other day I came back to the studio after work to sleep at 6am, and at 7:35am, the worker to fix the broken glass piece on the floor in front of my front door came with the drill!"No No No! I screamed and hit everything, and started crying. I couldn't even try to hit the guy, I was so weak, I had to recuperate from past nights. I went into a fit. I started yelling. The rental agency who sent him know that I work nights. Do they care? Not at all. I need to get away from these filthy people. That’s why I spend a lot of time in the mountain, I love that far away apartment, but when there are going to be other apartments rented, it will be hell, so I am just renting for a month. Yesterday though I was up there for two nights, and it was snowing so no one was around... It was pretty cool, that's how I like the mountain in Switzerhell, human-less... Tonight I was working so I had to come back down to sleep in the hellish village. Bugger! So now I hate that village with a passion and I feel like people know that I sleep in the mornings now they are going to try to bug me a lot more! Because that's what people do in this country! Hate them, hate them, hate them. I want to win those millions! So what's new? Same old story. I am trying to make it resonate differently so that I can be on a new frequency and make it happen, but it's so hard. Like attracts like. So I need to be rich to attract millions!? I so don't know how to free myself and get my psychic abilities to work! I can always get one or two numbers, but the whole thing doesn't come to me, or I won't let it come to me! I have got to make it happen! have got to! I need help on that ! I thought Lord Shiva was helping me. Lord or angel Shiva really helps me with my dogs and my protection, because I guess those things are so important to me! But I am trying to think that I don't realize that I need that money for my survival, for my life! I so want to give me and my dogs a better life, but I don't know where I am stuck. I have realized that I have to accept that my mother doesn't truly want my happiness, yet she has raised me, fed me and given me money to live on when I was young, and still helps me with money when I really need it. I think that is confusing to me. I think I can't make sense of that. I have to accept that she wants my failure, yet she feels guilty so she buys me stuff or helps me financially when I am in deep trouble. I think that is bothering me more than I think. I have to accept her horror. She is my mother and I have to forgive her, or forget her. I am not trash that she wants to step on and then give me crumbs to make me feel better or to ease her guilt. I am better than that! I am not trash, I am not only her daughter. I know that I live my life but I am still stuck on being her daughter. Let that go. I can be a better person without her. I don't need her. I can attract this money to make my life a better life.

Do I not believe in me? I consciously think I am strong and confident, but deep down it is possible that I don't believe in me, making it, in any sort of way, because no one in my family has ever put faith in me really. When I was in the US acting and dancing, strangers would put so much faith in me. I remember when people used to tell me "when you get famous remember me and come and see me"! They actually believed I was gona make it. I never believed it I guess. It was a nice dream but I never really thought I was going to make it. Doing what I did was a lot for me. Living my life in the US, alone, acting and dancing here and there was a big thing for a Swiss. I must have thought that I couldn't do much more than that. I remember once my mother came to visit, in the US. I had just acted in this low-budget film, and was really excited. I remember telling her how I felt like I could make it, how I had a feeling I could go further in the acting business. She said I was dreaming and should stop thinking like that, and that it was stupid. Going further would have required more faith in myself which I never had! I know I am a strong survivor that’s about all I know for sure. Well, I am sick of surviving now! I need more!

Dec 26th:

A Senegalese colleague of mine told me on the 21rst or 22nd of December, that I should put my wish ( to win millions) in my center, for my celestial parents to see it and make my wish come true. I understand or think I understand what my center is. I picture it in my solar plexus or, if not, in my stomach. It may be deeper than that, but for me my center is that. So I have been working on putting my wish in my center. I don't know about my celestial parents, but it's possible that we have angel parents or something like that. My colleague then said : "you can't doubt". So I have also been working on : no doubt! The book The Secret also said: no doubting! I have added : no fear! So I keep repeating to myself: No fear, no doubt! My wish is in my center, it's clearly the thing I want most, and I picture it in my solar plexus. I spent Christmas alone with my dogs in my apartment deep in the mountain above Caux, in Jaman. There are three chalets lost there and go figure my luck, the one right next to mine, was full of people. Well a family. I thought I would spend Christmas alone with my dogs in the mountain ! Some stupid Swiss had planned their Christmas up there for months I bet . They must have put stuff in the freezer in the fall and brought only the light stuff with them for Christmas. So there was my Christmas with nature....Going outside in the snow just wasn't the same, with seeing these lights on next door and hearing the f**** open their window to hear what was going on outside... Instead I was stuck in front of TV. It was ok, I like to be stuck in front of TV with my dogs, but it would have been nice if I could have walked around the chalet in the snow with my dogs without being watched. They also walked around my chalet when I was inside, because they left marks really close to the building. Morons! Idiot people who have nothing better to do than walk around their neighbor's chalet to see what's going on on Christmas day!! Well the apartment I rented is in a big chalet with 4 apartments, which are always rented for short term stays, so these neighbors, a professor from Geneva I had been told (...), had to check on what was going on in the apartment I rented! I didn't see them when they walked by so I feel like they were spying on me. Could these people mind their business? Never. I feel like shooting them, but let's stay calm as always in Switzerhell..... Deal with the crap, these people are lame and not worth getting upset over! Yes, I know! Anyway lame Christmas as always. I can't even say it was worse than last year. Last year I had a good meal at a restaurant in Geneva with my mother, but my dogs were alone and me and my mother...it's not all that fun... So it was what it was. I don't remember spending a great Christmas anyway. Maybe when I was little it was more exciting but there isn't one Christmas that stuck in my mind because it was so great. I always remember there was a lot of food, which was and is always exciting for me, but is there more to life than excitement for food? I keep thinking there is but I can't see it in my life! I have never had big issues with food, except after my father died, I went on diets with my mother, to be skinny and I got too skinny at some point and I was too young ! My mother should have stopped those diets I was on. She was happy because she could do it for herself and there wasn't any tempting food in the house for her to be tempted. Thank you again mother! I think I could have grown a bit more too, I went on those diets when I was 9, 10. I had to grow a bit more! I was a bit anorexic, in the sense that I would lie about eating this and that when I didn't eat anything, to people outside but my mother knew how little I was eating! Then when I went to the US, everything got better, I gained the weight I was supposed to have on me at that age. Then after a while, the few months back in Switzerhell after the US were tough. The first and second month was fun but then reality hit me and I felt horrible again. I wasn't missing my father so much as feeling that life was dull, sterile, uninteresting, not worth living in Switzerland. I was not wrong. So I did eat a bit too much then. I thought I was fine but I was overeating sometimes coming back from school. I didn't have major issues with food, just a bit of emotional issues linked to food, even if I have always enjoyed food and loved to eat a bit too much on certain occasions. But now I find myself getting excited about food in a sad way, like there is nothing else to be excited about. A little work out, food and my dogs, and I am good! That’s why Christmas didn't feel so bad, I was with my dogs, had a lot of good food and TV, and I was ok. It's great that I can be satisfied with little things. But can I also want more in order to attract more? Tonight there is a huge jackpot! It's Friday. Am I gona hit it? It's not up to me because I can't move these little balls in that transparent bubble thing, but I am doing all I can by putting my wish out there, in my center and hoping that someone, spirit, parent, animal, will help me! I am not doubting that these millions are on their way.

I have suffered, cried, been extremely frustrated about not winning. I have not won for weeks, and kept on trying. Isn't that what it's about? Keep trying! As simple as that. Can you hope and try all your life and not get what you want? I am not sure how things work really. From experience I can't draw a rule. Sometimes things work out because I am positive and sometimes they work because I am lost and have lost hope. So I stay open to suggestions, and I keep hoping because it's like me to hope, to want more, to want what I want, even if I haven't gotten what I want in years. Well I have gotten little things. Big or little, it shouldn't matter. I think I am the one that thinks it's easier to get little things. Still having my dogs, and having them healthy, or almost ( Shadow has arthritis but still going strong), that's a big thing actually. And that's something I feel in my deepest center, something I need . Life is a funny thing right? Circumstances, why things go a certain way, and not another way. I am stuck at that Lotto winning. I used to have answers, used to get what I wanted if I wanted it bad enough. I used to write poetry because things made some kind of sense, and I felt I could twist thoughts around for fun. But after not having gotten this money , after having played so so many times and lost so many times, I am stuck there. It's like I can't function properly until I get that, because I have wanted that for so long. I find positive and some sense in not getting certain things, like a certain job, a certain guy, etc I can see that the fact that I wanted them didn't mean I knew they were really good for me. I could then realize that I was better off without them. But that money? Winning that money? I can't see how I could be better off without it! Had I won when I was 18. I was in the US and I was playing Lotto with a friend of mine. I remember I used to say "if I win I'll open a dance school in Switzerland". Not winning was good back then because I was not only not trained enough at that time as a dancer to open a dance school, but it would have meant I would have moved back home for good very early on! I can find a few things like that within the next years I played. But during the last 4 years I can't find one good reason that would make me say that I am better off than if I had won! Except for being more and more disgusting by this country of Switzerhell , which I am not sure serves me, except maybe for these lines that I ma writing and sharing with whoever will read this. I have also grown hatred, desire to kill humans, attitude, bitterness. The positive thing I could say would be that I will enjoy the money more now, that I have been through hell! Yes there is that.

Dec 27th:

Switzerland is a ghetto. Of course it's not the ghetto with huge poverty ( wait I have yet to see a ghetto without BMWs or flashy jewelry...) or with drive-by shootings every day ( wait, but drive-by shootings don't happen every day anyway). It is the ghetto full of morons, idiots, some with money some without. Many people have guns even though you can't see the guns,and people pretend not to have any. I haven't heard of any ghetto in the world where dudes walk around with very visible straps!! So yes, Switzerland is a real ghetto. It is so full of rich idiots, it scares me. The world has no idea. Even Americans who have been here say how people are so nice and discreet. Hypocritical backstabbers with no education who dream of being a part of Al Qaeda, secretly in their home... That's how nice and discreet they are. But are too dumb to even find out how to be a part of Al Qaeda or what it even means!! Do you think Switzerland is the international community that gets along? Foreigners who never mix with the Swiss ( they know why) , live in their little international world. Oh it is a nice little community! They have fun in their little world, but it is a small minority of smarter people who come here to work, period. But there is the Swiss people: The people of an extreme stupidity who look at their world and think it is equal to communities like the US and Canada! Even the other European countries make fun of the Swiss. The Swiss think it's because the other countries are jealous!!! Just like countries of the world are jealous of the US. Here is a flash: WRONG! Yes other countries are jealous of the US and therefore they hate, but no one is jealous of the Swiss people, just maybe of their salaries, but that's the one and only thing. Even the scummy uneducated French make fun of Swiss people! No one in Europe even respects the Swiss. They might respect their Swiss banker, that's about it. The British buy properties here because they know that with their British money, the Swiss bow to them and leave them alone.

I am afraid of Swiss, because I know it ( yes it) thinks it can do anything to a woman and will get away with it, and most of the time it is right. It is stupid, it thinks with no logic, therefore unpredictable with morals that come from the cave men , and there again not sure what the cave men's real convictions were even if we know they were driven by primitive needs. The Swiss is an "it" because they all think the same even if the number of them is high, too high, and man they keep breeding! The Swiss have the same minds, they all think the same basically. Their primitive needs ( food and shelter) are covered, so their brains are looking for other things to focus on, and trust me those things are not educational! And the fact that because the country is rich, they think they know everything and are right about everything all the time, but they have no clue about the world! about life even! It is scary to live among people like that. And it is scary when you know that they have money. You don't know what they are going to do in your back and for what reason. Human-wise it is the worse people in the world. I have yet to meet another lame people like them.

I am here working at a Hotel School where students come from all over the world. The marketing is pretty good for those schools because they attract lots of students, but when they get here, I have yet to meet a student that is happy about the school. The academic department sucks. Hell they were going to hire me as a teacher a few years ago. I have a certificate to teach adults, English as a second language, not in a school that is university level. These kids will become managers and owners of the best hotels in the world! I actually am worried about the best hotels in the world: The kitchen in this Swiss school is so dirty all the time, it smells, it is not clean as is supposed to be in a four or five star hotel! The food is not good. How about starting to teach everyone to cook well in a hotel school? and give them a taste for fine food, not necessarily expensive ingredients ( I understand the school is trying to save money anywhere they can...), but you can teach them how to cook delicious meals with average price ingredients! Then , I am using the computers every time I come to work. The computers never work . They are supposed to have IT staff and teachers. The students are always complaining about the computers not working. Come one! What kind of super expensive school is that? I need to use the computer for work at the reception. I have another computer I can use for internet at night. I am trying to watch some CNN videos to find out what's going on in the world as student should as well, and I can never see a video with sound and picture! It is so primitive. Some students live in tiny rooms away from the main building , in chalets that are so old ( so is the main building really), that if they dropped a cigarette, the place would go in flames in half a second. They are not allowed to smoke and drink in their rooms ( I get that), but also no cooking not even a water kettle! That is how dangerous the place is, in case of fire. The electricity system is not up to date. According to the law, it should be. Students have dinner at 7pm at the cafeteria, and then they have to wait for the next day for breakfast. If they get hungry later at night, sorry, nothing... They can have fruit, cookies in their rooms, that's all. It is winter, it's freezing, and they live in a village with no store, two restaurants which close early, one real expensive, and the other not even open every day. Come on! You can be sure that I am not taking their rice cookers and their kettles away! I don't think I'll be fired for that since students won't tell, and if I am, so be it! The school is making a lot of money on selling alcohol at the little disco they have downstairs in the main building! That's also the only place where they can buy a hot min-pizza if they are hungry late at night. They attract students there so they can sell more alcohol and make more money!! This whole school is a big scam. Switzerland is a big scam. All the marketing to attract students, tourists, investors, is done by foreigners working in Switzerhell,and it works, but it is a scam. This country wouldn't survive without tourists, foreign investors, workers, and even foreign people who come put their money in Swiss banks and buy houses here. I guess all of them were disappointed now that they lost money invested in their dear Swiss banks because of the bank scandal. I guess the very safe Swiss banks were not so very very safe after all, right? A lot of Swiss invested money and lost a lot too, and they now suddenly have the courage and audacity to march on Zurich Paradeplatz, to claim the unfair treatment of their bank that said to them, their money was going to be safe! Poor Swiss, don't you feel sorry! Well, look at the bright side, some of them had never marched on the streets for anything in their life. They have passion for nothing... oh wait, it seems they do...for their wallet! Some Swiss will tell you how beautiful their country is, and how lucky they are to live in nature, and that their country is the cleanest in the world, and it makes them happy, whether their illusions are real or not. Well, we all should be happy at the end of the day, whether it is because of a big thing or a small thing. So that's all good, but please, Swiss, don't go telling the world that your country is the most beautiful, the cleanest, the smartest, etc. I have a great view of the lake and the Alps from my far away apartment that I have for a month . I have never had a view from a place where I lived. Well yes it is beautiful, as are many horizons on this planet. I look at it, and then what? I look at that gorgeous view, ok , great. Then I look at my dogs, living creatures, and I go wawoo! Now that is a gorgeous and precious sight! And the interaction that I have with them everyday, that is a great view! A great view outside the window should bring some joy into someone's life, like it should bring less hate into these Swiss people's lives to have gorgeous views from their homes. For me, to have space would be more of a luxury, for my dogs to run and play! But a view doesn't make a country. If one could live inside and look at his view the whole day and not have to interact with people, I guess life in Switzerhell could be decent.

Last night I didn't win the Lotto... again!!But no one won, and there is more money to be had next Friday. Ok so I don't have celestial parents, but the fact that I have to put my dream in my center, I keep. I have to reflect winning millions, so that it can come to me, or some spirit can bring it to me! Lord Shiva has made me discover that place in the mountain and made it happen for me to rent it, I felt it and I asked him. It is not the greatest place but it has helped me not get stuck in that stupid studio I rented in the middle of a stupid Swiss village. My dogs are up there now, and I know Lord Shiva is watching over them. I have to leave them there for 10 hours and it breaks my heart. It is night time and they're used to sleeping for that long, but still not being with them for 10 hours is tough for me. I love my dogs like there is no tomorrow.

Jan 3rd, 2009:

I can't believe it's already 2009 and I am still poor!!! I had many scenarios when I was younger of how I would live at 38, rich for sure but could have been doing many different things.... Well none of that happened! I am still the poor Swiss, actually have gotten poorer over the last two decades, and yes I am frustrated and I feel like beating Swiss people up, not because I blame them for my staying poor, even if they should be blamed for 10% of it, but I blame them for having made my life with my dogs a living hell ( my life with my dogs was the happiest I was, without needing too much except peace!). Nevertheless, I keep my hopes up and more: My Determination up! I have decided since last Friday that I have to choose to win and that's it. Yes everything I have learned from self-help books and everything I have heard is helping me go to that state of not thinking , but just saying I am winning this game, I am winning these millions! No emotional ride, no questioning how to do it, I must win, end of story. Last Friday I didn't win, so it didn't work in a way, but there is more money now, 20 extra millions, and I can definitely use that for my dogs and the dogs of the world! So I am going to win this coming Friday. It is simply how it is. I keep saying it to myself and to any spirit that could be listening. I am already winning in another dimension, and Friday, it will come true in this dimension. Truth is until now I have always gotten scared come Fridays, my doubts always arise on Friday morning and during the day. I start thinking how it coud happen and don't see it, I start protecting myself by letting myself feel that it's ok if I don't win, because I know I hate disappointment and it always comes because I am so used to it. My fear, not of winning, but of feeling the real pain of realizing my not winning, keeps me from letting go to be able to attract that money! It's really a simple complicated thought process I am starting to understand. Yes I am Swiss and slow! But I am getting it. Determination is the key. I am winning and that's it, that's what I have to think. Stupid people often win at Lotto games because they don't analyse everything , nor doubt because they can't think of any process of winning. That's what I have to get at, the point of not thinking, not feeling, just knowing that I am winning! I am getting there! Despite all the distractions, good and horrible, I am getting there.

Things are not good these days. Shiva has a cyst that I hadn't noticed it and the vets I usually go to are on vacation until the 5th. I rented a place for a month and paid a thousand francs to have some peace, and there were people in the apartment upstairs making noise throughout the holidays. I spent Christmas alone with the dogs, not getting any peace, having these people making noise all night and I could hear everything. Hated it! I spend New Year 's Eve in a restaurant with my mother where there was one table for every body, no separate tables! The people were all Swiss. Nightmare! I survived it, no doubt but probably the worst New year's Eve, ever. Plus on the menu there was Chinese fondue with beef lots of beef. I had to eat beef! I don't eat cow! I stopped eating beef a year and a half ago. I felt like I was spending New Year's Eve with demons, but at least I didn't feel weak. My dogs were alone in the apartment and I didn't like that either. M mother drank alcohol and she was her usual drunk stuipid self, only not as hard core as when I was younger , living with her. I watched a lot of tv at least up there in the mountain during the vacation. I don't have TV in the new studio so I took advantage of that. A lot of movies and series in English, but old stuff of course. Tv gets me into it, enough to enjoy the ride, to feel I am away, somewhere else. I saw the movie Antarctica , with the Huskies left alone in the cold... I cried of course and it made me realize again how much I want to work for dogs, I want to dedicate my free time aside from working out and taking care of my own dogs, to helping the dogs of the world. And I think that with that money that I can win, I could make a difference for dogs, in several countries.

I want what I want so f****** badly. The words I use to express myself talking, or writing are a lot of swear words, and I used quite a few in this book. Well I try to say them less, and use them less when I write but when it describes exactly what you feel it's hard to get passed the real thing. Swear words are ugly to hear, read , but it is important that I express the truth . When one is angry it is important to let it out too, and the best way is to beat up or try to beat up your enemy, but when you can't , you get sick inside, and letting out swear words is curing a bit of that disease. People always think people in jail have done things out of insanity or cruelty. Truth is, even if I don't go around giving love to criminals, I can tell you that people who have tons of frustration because they have been hurt in some way, when they go out and kill their enemy or beat him or her up, they ease their pain, mentally and physically. They might be full of another ache, which is guilt, but otherwise they can really be the sanest people who have been really hurt. I won't say they did the right thing because the right thing would have been to avoid getting in a situation where one lets another hurt him or her. But in the old days when people could beat each other up and not get arrested for a simple fight, people were healthier. that goes for everywhere. Most Swiss only see violence on TV, that's why when they do get attacked, they are so lame in trying to defend themselves that they get killed right away. There is this older couple in a Swiss village who had been robbed before when they were not there, and the other day they were in the houes and heard a couple guys walk round their house. The old man came out of the house because he was so confident that no one dared attack him. He was ready to tell these guys to get out of the front of his house, and the guys attacked him, he was so lame in trying to defend himself, he died very quickly. The wife was so shocked that she forgot to call the police, she was just looking out, and getting scared, and she got beaten up by the guys as well. She survived because they were not out to kill her, they wanted the money. She must have gotten some sense into her and gotten less cocky than her husband, and she made it ok.

January 4th, 2009:

This Friday I can't miss the jackpot. It's been too long and I need it too much. I am going to win it this time. I must. There is a lot of money, well for me it's a lot anyway! I have got to get it, take it. That alone will be a revenge on all these Swiss people. They all play, give their money to that one place, and I am going to take it all! Imagine all these idiots giving me their pocket money despite their wishes! They would really hate me if I won millions. Not only am I not like them in any way and it bothers them that I am different. They love to see me poor, bully me and laugh about it. I can only imagine what they would feel if they knew a person like me won the jackpot that they so wished for. When I play Lotto at a store near the place where I live, I can feel the morons looking over my shoulder to look at the numbers I am picking. I can see them stare when I am paying for the game, as to tell me that I am not allowed to play, or as to say: "How dare you have one THESE dogs and think you're going to win the Lotto?" I know they pray for people like me not to win, instead of praying for their loved ones to win. I have had it with everything here, and even though I may not seem or feel that strong , my determination is stronger than ever! I have to do it this time. I am feeling like these millions ( I feel like I am them), I am breathing these millions and smelling them. I am feeling these millions, I am receiving them and they are loving me. I know life can be good, and I still believe I can get out of this hell.

Today I was walking my dogs, minding my own business, and this young guy screams: "Madame, Madame, Madame ( he was repeating himself because I wasn't answering) , you backed up into my friend's van the other day and you touched his van and didn't even stop to exchange information!" I knew what that prick was talking about. I was parked on a hill five days earlier, and the van who parked behind me had left no space for me to get out of my parking spot. I was struggling going forward an inch and backward an inch, in order to get out of that spot. He was in his van when I was doing that. Instead of backing up for me to have more room, he was just staring at me as I was struggling. I wasn't surprised, I know these assholes and how they act and think. I barely hit his bumper, and as I did, he blew his horn. I didn't stop to get out of the car because I knew it would be a waste of anger and saliva. I also knew he would either backstab me or talk to me since it was in front of my studio, and he probably was going to spend his days finding out that it was me, if he didn't know already that I was the one with the nasty looking dog and who lived in that ground floor studio. So anyway, it was his son or something like it who yelled at me today, and who wanted to threaten me. I should have kept on walking. Unfortunately I didn't have my IPod in my ears and I thought I heard he was coming towards me: he was but not too close since Shadow was there. I said: "what did I do? barely hit his bumper?" He yelled: "you backed up and hit my friend's van's bumper when you got out of your parking space, my friend blew his horn and you didn't even stop to talk to him" ( not to worry I wasn't scared of what he was going to do, I know Swiss punks). He thought by him telling me that I would apologize or feel bad, or get upset and start something that would give him the right to hit or shoot me ( we were in the forest, there was no witness. I told him in a serious tone that I was sure he had my license plate number and that he needed to call the cops and do what he had to do. He said that I was going to see how things worked around here! I still felt like shooting that young white proud idiot Swiss male, but kept on walking my dogs, calmly.... I thought I was done with these young punks because I look older now, and I have to deal with the old f**** on an everyday basis, who think I owe them some attention because I am older and they should have a right to tell me what to do and I should behave like a woman and be submissive and show them that they are strong, and I should never talk back.

Yesterday my car broke down. I was driving up from the gym with the dogs in the car ( I take them in the car sometimes when I go to the gym for an hour and then take them for a walk by the lake before driving up). It broke down right after I had thought about the car I drive at work at night, to drive students back to their rooms in the chalets. That car is a new and powerful car, and I was thinking how nice it must be to own such a car and drive it every day. It was as if my car didn't like those thoughts and decided to let me know. So I am taking the train now, I hate it , sitting with people I don't choose to sit with, and it makes me feel poorer, not to have a car. Well it's at the garage for a week or so. I so need to win the jackpot on Friday. I wish there was a formula for me to make it happen for sure, like if an alien came to me when no one is around and told me : I know you want to win this money on Friday, and I feel like helping you: here is the winning combination. If the alien really looked like an alien and he or she would prove to me that he she is an alien, I would believe it and I would get the millions. I would love to see an alien anyway. I imagine the aliens smarter, wiser, and more fun than the Swiss. Well , I guess they could look like anybody, like Dwayne Johnson for example. They could be Dwayne's look-a-likes, but tiny variations on each of them, long hair, short hair, bigger smaller muscles, etc. It would be paradise nation. How about a nation of only men? They wouldn't need to have sex to reproduce, they would reproduce in labs. They would be able to read our minds, would be much smarter so I don't know what that would be like, I am just human. I would love to learn stuff from them. They would teach me how to fix the problem with the number of dogs suffering on this planet, and other animals suffering. I would go visit their planet, if my flesh could stand the trip. They would have space ships that go faster than anything we know. Anyway they would give me the way to find the numbers of the lotto. I would win it this time and maybe a second time later, but I would then give combinations to people in the US who dedicate their lives to the well-fare of animals, even if I know that humans are so silly that they sometimes change in a bad way when they get lots of money. Some people believe in good things and when they have enough money to live and a good job, they spend time and energy helping people as a balance thing, to feel good about themselves. These people get a bunch of money and they turn to drugs, and other devient behaviors. For me I must say that I have approached all kinds of devient behaviors and nothing attracts me. The only devient thing that I want to do now is get revenge on people who mess with me in all sorts of ways. Some people say it's better to make them suffer and watch them suffer than killing them. I don't find much satisfaction in that. I just think these filthy filthy people should die, be gone, end of story. I am talking about scum, not people who have suffered a lot in their life and start doing some bad stuff because they are so lost, hurt and frustrated. Those have hope, when they get their life together, they recover and become an average Joe, sometimes even help others who have their same problems. But Swiss vicious idiots had it good all their life!

　

Or my aliens could also look like Lord Shiva, all of them with long black hair and half open eyes, nice features...But I'd be fine with funny looking, funny texture, creatures. I just want to get my millions. I am fine with earth, I don't need aliens. I just want millions to do all the things I want to do. Can I tell myself that I can find the combination by being open to finding it because I really need it? I see many numbers and they all tell me there is a chance they'll come out. I have to stop thinking I need help. I can do it myself. I am determined, I can attract millions whether it's by attracting the money or just saying I must win. I am doing it that is it!

Jan 9th:

I am at the point where life is so not going the way I want it to go, my frustration and anger are getting stronger. I haven't gotten a lot of things that I wanted, but in the past the main things would go my way, in my direction anyway. I could sort of figure out why I wasn't getting the rest, or the little stuff that could have made life better, but I understood a lot of it. I thought I understood myself more or that I became myself more in the past couple of years and that I was getting to the point where I really knew what I wanted and I therefore could attract it. Quite the opposite, the more I think I know myself the more I think I should be able to attract what I want, the less I can make it come to me. Love, money, they are so far away. I have my dogs and my health. Now Shiva has a tumor. It needs to be taken out. Of course I am afraid for the operation he is not young anymore! I am seeing the end. Of course I can recover from my dogs' death when they get old, if I have the money to live my life, have lots of dogs, help lots of dogs in need. I feel like I am living someone else's life right now. The only thing that is me are my dogs but I am having such a hard time living with them in society ( from which I can't escape because I am Swiss and I need to work in this scum country), and I am not lucky as far as apartments go. We have always lived in rat holes, I have only the chalet where they have a small piece of grass, but there is no running water and I can't find a job near by. Well one of my last jobs was not too far: teaching languages to adults. I wanted to move on from driving from one company to another, and I was sick of my salaries being up and down depending on the amount of classes that I had taught, depending on who had canceled their classes that month. What I really want to do is to move on to winning money and get the hell out of the country, but instead I thought at least change jobs , I may get clues, get distracted, busy, learn something else, etc. I am making a bit more money too, working longer hours, working in security. I have to go back to the chalet for the dogs though. And work where? I don't know. I can't win that doe. I am trying to figure out why. After all those years of trying and wanting it with all my heart... I could understand that when I was 20, or even 25, if I had won it would have been too easy I wouldn't have grown as much as I did, moving around living in various places, searching for peace, because that's what I do try to find, peace, do what I want to do, have more dogs, help more dogs and animals, and dance. I work out now at the gym. I lift weights to let out all my anger and frustration, and it works, it feels better after I work out. I like the look it gives my body so I would keep working out even if I could go back to my first and real loved activity: dance. I guess I could have been more grateful when I was dancing in the US, when I had money to dance and work only part-time. I should have stayed in NYC instead of coming back to hell. I should have stayed in the US when I was in a group called City Slam and was working at the YMCA teaching aerobics, as well as volunteering and working out there. Why didn't I stay? I wasn't feeling satisfied, whole or who knows what that I had to come back to Switzerhell. Did I like to come back because I knew that I was always the best when I came back? I could teach aerobics workshops here and there ( that was when I was young and really motivated and didn't really see the Swiss for who they were, I was too optimistic). I would go clubbing and I was the best dancer in there. Was I that pathetic? Probably. I was Swiss after all. It's not until 3 years ago when I was totally broke in NYC, had to come back to Switzerhell to work and make more money than a baby-sitter or a part-time personal trainer ( not really good at selling herself, too proud I thought clients had to come to me..). I have been back for 3 and a half years. As soon as I got back I realized with a big R, how pathetic this country is because I for the first time in a long time was longing for a permanent job and apartment, two things very difficult to get when you are a single woman with different jobs on your resume, and who just got back from NYC. Unemployment was denied to me in Switzerhell because I should have worked in this country for the last 3 years to get unemployment money. I went to my mother's apartment but her lesbian girlfriend did everything to kick me out within the first week. So I was sent to Paris with no money, to stay with a friend. Another foreign country. I had come back to Switzerhell because I needed work. I spent my last dimes in Paris until I had to take a nanny job in France right next to Geneva. At least I thought I would be able to look for a job in Geneva. Not an easy thing to do either. A lot of French managers hire French and the Swiss hire Swiss with experience in Switzerhell. I cleaned that French/Swiss lady's s*** and took care of her kids like an aupair . I know I am intelligent and I had put myself or was forced to put myself in such a situation. At least when I was taking care of kids in NYC, I was working with smart people, but there in France, the lady was a dumb head and her kids as well. Why had this happened to me? I was a nanny for stupid people who treated me like dirt on top of things. These people were the definition of white trash. On the bright side, my dogs had the kids to play with, now and then. I thought I had to recover from that hell, because after all the great thing I did, lived and learned in the US, I couldn't have come that low! I had an argument with that lady and her parents. They hit me, I called the cops. I left and I rented a room in a really nice house in the same village, with older people who had a big piece of land and four dogs. The dogs had brought me and that lady together. The room had no heat. It was winter. They charged me too much, but they were afraid I would take advantage of them since I was the one who asked if they could rent out a room. The place was great though. They had a beautiful Beauceron who was Shadow's best friend and they also had little dogs for Shiva to play with. I loved that old house even if I was in a room with no heat. Shiva got a cold though. But then, I thought things were getting better, I was starting to teach English in a language school and hip hop at a gym in Geneva . I was working out at the local French gym. The lady I was staying with lent me her bicycle. I would use it as transportation. I would come "home" and walk all the dogs around the big house, on their private land, so I wasn't bothered by anyone. They had enough land for me to walk for 20 minutes around there. It was great. I was playing the Euromillions game and I thought I was going to win because things looked brighter. Then I had to move, I had a three months contract for the room with these people. I really believed in winning the Lotto then. I felt lucky to have had found that place to live for a while. I didn't win. I did move into a ghetto apartment of my own. It was hell again. People bugging me right and left. A lot of young French thugs would hang out in the hallways all the time. They weren't friendly. Then I moved to Switzerhell. I liked that village with the view and the mountain and forest in the back, at first. Until the people decided it was easy to bug a woman enough to make her leave, because they didn't want me and Shadow in their village. Shiva was discreet, but feeling the hatred that Shadow and me were going through. I then moved to the waterless chalet. It was better but without water, life was primitive, and I thought I was more peaceful there, so less angry all the time and I was going to be able to attract these millions. I didn't. I changed job, had a temporary apartment, liked it in the beginning and there also I thought because of the big change of job plus apartment , I thought I felt freer and I could attract what I wanted more...and win the millions. I didn't. I then changed job again for this one in Caux. I was staying at the hellish camping for two weeks, hellish really, too many stupid low life Swiss idiots, with zero minus zero education and very Swiss minds. I left and found a great little room for a month at a house with a female dog that my babies liked. It was good, close to work. Then I had to move to my stupid studio in this ugly village, hellish again! I thought I would help myself by renting a second apt in the mountain for Christmas, turned out to be half hellish as well, noise and too many people around there. Now I am still in this ugly village and I hate it, thought I was going to win the millions because no other options, and I didn't. Shiva has a cyst, I took him to the vet, didn't like her, so I am taking him to another vet in 3 days. Maybe I'll have to go to Paris to his, our usual vet which I half trust, which is more than I can say for the Swiss vets which I don't trust, have never done anything good for my dogs. I feel like Shiva is sick. Shadow limps a lot with his arthritis. I am falling apart. There was a bunch of money to be had yesterday. I didn't win. Now what? And why can't I win once, wanting it that much and having thought of it for years? I don't want to believe that I am destined to be angry and frustrated for so long and then later deeply hurt by loosing my dogs, that I will start killing people for revenge because that will be the only thing that will satisfy me by then. Is that my destiny? The bare thought that I have that as an option of my destinies makes it bad, right? To me, not as bad as suffering as a victim for the rest of my life. Is it sad that I see murder as a not so sad option? I am a true Swiss thug... Thug or not I do have wishes to help canines, mine and others across the world. I have wished of doing good. I am good with dogs. Is it also so very bad that I am a dancer and I want to train again? I know my mother never liked me to dance as a profession and it really stuck in my mind that it was a bad thing to do. But I am a dancer , therefore I must be a real bad thing myself? Does my unconscious believe that? I don't even know!!

Jan 10th:

I have a new theory: There are too many demons around me, or a few but that's too many already. They are the ones who kept calling me back to Switzerland, and the ones who are making the Swiss f*** with me constantly because, granted, the Swiss are asses who look for s*** because they can, and they think nothing is going to happen to them as long as they mess with a woman and not a man. But they are not that good, people have been f****** with my life in every way possible within the last 3years. Lately I have had people who jumped on the stairs up and down all day long to make a lot of annoying noise. I live on the ground floor of an old building so I can hear it clearly. When they walk down the stairs, it seems they are walking in my studio. It's as if they rest when I am not around and as soon as I get in, they start to make noise. It sounds paranoid, but it's only because in the last hellish apartment, a bitch was really making noise on purpose . She was an alcoholic cleaning lady , and had anger plus nothing to do with her life. That's never a good combination: anger and nothing to do.... Did I mention stupid and ugly? I am not sure.

Well, my theory is that the demons know I am capable of killing because I have strength, psychopathic episodes and freedom of spirit, which is good most of the time until you need to do something bad. The problem is with killers like me, I am sure 100% that the world would be a better place without the people I need to kill, and not only because they have messed with my life for no reason, but I know if they mess with mine they have and will mess with other women's or people who are weak in-society ( foreigners, handicapped, etc). The satisfaction of course consists of exterminating nuisance. Don't all of you like that feeling? Murder is taking it to another level, but back in the cave men days, they felt victory when they killed other humans who were either taking their food, woman, tools or who knows what else was part of their life. Ok we are not in the cave men years anymore. Well when you live in Switzerland, you sometimes wonder.. In the US, you can go to court, argue your case, win or loose, but having had the chance to fight it in that sort of way makes you feel good. In Switzerhell, they will make the world believe that you can go to court just like other modern countries. Even like France, which is all so very new at the court thing. You can now sue a company which has caused you physical harm, in France. Of course money buys you justice, because in Europe, poor people have no chance of suing anyone. In Switzerhell , of course money buys justice, but if you're a woman, some matters won't be accepted in court. You can't sue a company in Switzerhell, unless you are a company, or a billionaire. You can't even go to court.

In Switzerhell, you drive a little slow on the road and you have the car behind you tail you because he or she thinks it will make you go faster. It probably works on some people, that's why they do it. The law of the devil works in Switzerhell. Whoever is not only stronger, but the most evil, wins. The devil must love Switzerhell and live there on some mountain. Angels are my dogs, who are beautiful and even if they don't always listen perfectly to what I tell them to do especially Shiva, but Shadow too sometimes, they are the best things around me. My dogs don't realize that we need lots of money to get a better life, get out of this hell place. All they can do to help is being there for me, like angels, protecting me like I protect them. I sometimes think we are stuck in the demon's land. I sometimes think that demons hear what I ask for when I pray, and they make sure it doesn't come true. I have to not say it out loud anymore. They can hear what I say and they can see what I do, but they can't read my mind. That's my theory of the day. I always thought that saying the things you want out loud makes it clearer and gives it a better chance of coming true, but I could have been wrong. Of course, unless you have no demons around you. Why are they around me? I dont know because I am easy prey, being a free spirit and having no one, no human around who loves me and gives me good vibes. The French guy I dated 2 years ago was so stupid and not spirited that he didn't help me at all. His energy was dull like the Swiss, even if he had his French sense of humour, which was the only good thing. I believe when you have a lot of people around you who love you, it scares demons away. For me I love to be alone, with my dogs, in isolated places like the forest, the mountain... I feel good alone with nature, but I think it makes it easier for demons to stick to me.

I could be wrong but that's the theory of the day. I can't kill the demons because they are not human. Fighting them, I am not sure how, and ignoring them would be very difficult and dangerous, because when something comes at me I like to open my eyes and deal with it. I try to ignore these stupid Swiss who, in this village, get together and talk about me, I can see that people stare and talk, they don't even whisper because again, I am just a woman. They don't know I could kill them in half a second, without a gun even, because they so wouldn't expect it, I could do it all kinds of ways. I guess I feel I am being bullied in this country with my dogs and the fact that I need to go outside several times a day and have to walk by these morons, and they love it. They now can see that Shadow is old and limps so they are not scared at all, just full of hatred. I have never been bullied before. In school I always knew how to hang out with the "toughest" guys and no one ever picked on me. Since I have had my dogs, the joy of my life, I have been f***** with, messed with, by these Swiss people, every way possible. In the US, well only NYC with the dogs, people liked or didn't like the big dog, and I was sensitive to the look on people's face that shows fear and a bit of hatred. There were some nasty looks in NYC, whether in Manhattan or in Harlem, but people didn't come into my every day life to mess with me. I was always scared that they would do anything to my apartment when I was not there. There was this one German woman in NY, who I met despite myself, and who I got in a verbal fight with, who snuck in my apartment one day with my roommate's key, but she couldn't do much. In Switzerland, they always tried to make me leave the building, it's like I am welcome nowhere and they'll do anything for me to leave, steal mail, make noise at night, dirty my door handle, go in my apartment and go through my stuff without stealing much so I can't file a police report, call me on my cell and pretend to be someone looking for an apartment, take over my paid parking spot for a while ( and then the village police won't even tow the car there: funny they will for other people without a dog of a certain breed). It's just a lot of stuff that they have done to me in 3 years. That's why along with the fact that Swiss are scum and have nothing better to do in their lives, there seems to be demons helping them to do so much crap to me.

I don't even like my new job anymore. I started in October. It's January and I have had it. I am sick of doing jobs that I don't love, and what I love to do requires money, doesn't make any: train as a dancer and take care of homeless dogs. I guess it's my bad luck! Or the demons! Or life sucks, period! But that's a stupid statement really. I feel like I am caught in something, whether it's a demon web, a viscous circle, a bad luck life even if I have had good luck in the past. I feel I need to break free. I keep trying to make it happen myself. I keep thinking by wanting it more and thinking it , it will happen. Let's say demons are there. I feel like they came to me the day I fell on rollerblades and hit my head, I was actually hit by a car, fell and surprisingly got up with just a headache. But I feel like from then on, demons were with me. A week earlier I was feeling great to be in the US and to have found my apartment in East Harlem. It was in a great part of Harlem close to the park and just at the beginning of Harlem, across the street from a project, but it felt fine. After that accident I decided to come back to Switzerhell. Silly silly silly! I am sure even Shiva told me not to, I didn't hear it. My mother is a demon, and not having someone who cared about me in the US, didn’t help. Ok maybe the demons were with me before! I have had such bad luck, even if optimistic, I always tried to push forward and created some great moments. I made mistakes, true, but I learned something in exchange every time, I am sure as well. I guess there is no answer. I always search for the ultimate truth and the way, the technique to make things better for me. Maybe there is no technique. I so loved the book of the Secret and Anthony Robbins' book, but now it seems like it's all BS, I can't make anything happen! I have tried to believe and I have believed, but since I couldn't get results, I have to think rationally and realize that these thoughts don't work. It seems the more I ask for something the less it happens. Hence my theory of the demons. Are the demons created by me? Or do I let them come in? If that’s true then how do I get rid of them??? I am out of ideas on how to do that! I am very tired with this night job as well. I was fine when I liked it, and now I hate it and feel the tiredness it is inflicting on me. I could change jobs again....change apartments....again.... If I had the millions, I am not saying I wouldn't travel, because I need the change, but I would buy my American home with lots of land and not have to walk my dogs except when I feel like going for a long hike. I am so feeling that life that I don't have, but I could have it if I won the money. I am not sure many people can feel it the way I can. I can taste it. Maybe I am wrong and tons of people are going nuts because they thought that they would win for x and x reason. I don't really care about those people though. I just want to find the way to make it happen. Ok How about if there is no way, it's just random. How could this planet be random? A lot of things are created for a reason, whether good or bad. There could be some random stuff, but how come sometimes I feel or felt that I was on top of things in the sense that things were working out the way I wanted to. Not everything but the main things. And then , true it never lasted long. But I was fine with the theory where they say the reason why things cease to go your way is that you truly never believed things could go your way all the time! Is it really what you believe? Do I not know what I believe? Do I believe I can't win? I dont think so at all. Is my unconscious so different from my conscious mind? I doubt it but what if? What if I couldn't change my beliefs of not being able to win , of not having things going my way ? What if? What if I thought I could tell when I believe in something or not. Is my unconscious a far away land? I don't know anymore.

Jan 12:

I am not bipolar, but I am extremely sensitive to my environment and my surroundings. I can go all out in a minute if someone provokes me. I know it's not good. I should be stronger and there are days that I am, or am in my own world. Usually I respond to life, to what comes. In the US, I remember it works out good, because there is a lot of optimism in the air, so I would get happy pretty easily. Now, living in Switzerhell, I respond to all their s*** and life sucks. I know I have great potential to create more bliss when I am in an environment where people try to be happy or try to make themselves happy, rather than try to bring people down all the time. In Switzerhell actually, it's like a game: who is happiest? It's a competition. They love it when they are happy or something great came into their life and they can look at others and see how unhappy the others are. That makes their day. I am not saying the US is perfect and everyone wants their neighbor's happiness, but there is that developed human capacity to realize that if others around you are happy, it's good for you too!! There really is such a difference between the two continents, because I know it's like that in Canada, and I think it's like that in most South American countries, even though I couldn't bet on it I have never lived there. I have met many people from South American countries but they were living in the US or Europe, or at least travelling a lot. It is a big thing to live in a society where you know the people will be happier if your life is sadder than theirs. Wouldn't you rather live in a country where the majority likes to see happy people and say things like : "good for you!" In French, that expression doesn't exist except in a sarcastic way : " tant mieux pour toi" . It means you're not happy that someone got something that you didn't get. The English language is more optimistic. Every language carries its mentality. French is a beautiful language but it's very serious and macabre. I like French it's my first language, but living in Switzerhell now I wish I didn't speak it. I don't want to hear these Swiss people talk. Their conversations are dull, stupid, useless, and they talk BS, to say nothing really. They just like to exchange words, it makes them feel that they're alive. Everyone needs to communicate , it's good for the soul, but the Swiss and their habits of saying hello to everyone all the time, and then not having anything else to say is pathetic. They have this great habit of saying hello ( bonjour), which is great when you think of it, greeting people is good, but then that's it, they either say nothing after that or they talk crap to say nothing interesting. What I have always loved in the US is how many people start conversations on the street or bus, train, by being funny, making jokes. In Switzerhell, people who do start conversations on the street are the ones that are yelling at you telling what to do and what not to do. Very few men even try to flirt. Please these people do not know how to flirt. Southern European men do alright with the flirting even if they are on the very "direct side". Then it's a matter of taste. If you like constipated, ,ugly, uninteresting men to look at you in a weird way, with a weird smile, trying to let you know they like you, you'll love Switzerhell! Frankly I am amazed everyday at this country and its lack of everything positive and anything that's good, fun, and productive!

I have a neighbor and his son who are moving, and he is moving with his own car which means he is coming back and forth a million times per week, and especially up and down the stairs that I can hear as if he was carrying junk through my studio. He runs up and down. I am not sure if he is trying to show that he is athletic or he is trying to drive me nuts! Knowing the Swiss, it's probably because he is badly parked and he wants to hurry not to get a ticket, plus he loves the fact that he is driving me nuts. And it is driving me nuts, I can hear every step like he was stepping in my room, and I have a studio so I can't run to another room. It drives me so crazy that I truly feel that frustration of wanting to at least go and hit him if not kill him. I hate being poor ...

When I walk in the village, I feel the same as when I was in that hell village where I got kicked out by the people, the two villages are the same in the way that I feel the bad vibes against me and my dog, and I feel like reacting because it's the natural thing to do but I can't because if I open my mouth they will love it and be able to yell back some stupid comments that are not going to make any sense whatsoever, or if I hit someone, they'll be too happy to call the cops. It hurts. The frustration hurts. I know being alone makes it harder. Like my mother says, you have to pay the price if you want to live alone ! In other words you will have to take crap from these people, or have someone around all the time to talk to you so you focus on something else. It's the same story, I have been through that in that other village and yes I have to leave these kind of places, but I keep moving because people push me to leave! I am so fed up!! I have had it! I am angry, I cry, I am frustrated, angry, sad. I feel sorry for myself because I am so desperate for happiness that I do create a lot of it, I give myself what I want in food, activities as much as possible, being grateful for my dogs' presence, etc. I thought I was over this deep deep hatred because I thought I pulled myself out and chose a better places to live at. But I didn't know when I got into this village. Since there is town near by which is a bit international, I thought the surrounding villages would be smarter than villages in the middle of Swiss cows ( which I like by the way). But I was wrong, yet again! It's ok, I am not blaming myself. I am moving on. I have to now go to the chalet ever day off that I have, for starters.

Jan 16.

Friday night was last night. I didn't win, again.... I am lost now. I have been wanting this for so long, so many years! It's not fair. It's not fair that ever since I have gotten my dogs, I have been wanting to win for us, not only for me but for them. I wanted to give them the life I pictured with lots of land, a stable home house in the US ( or elsewhere for that matter, that was not the most important even if I would have been happier in the US). It's not fair! Shiva has a tumor, maybe has cancer. Shadow has arthritis in a bad way. They are getting old and they're still living in a small studio! I hate this f****** life! I could so picture what I wanted, I had lots of patience all these years. Even I am getting old. Certainly as a dancer! Life sucks. It's ugly and I hate it. I have tried to love it. I know I enjoy some of it, because that's how I am. I take advantage of moments. I don't take anything for granted anymore, and I haven't for years now. Ok I have been more than tough with Shadow for a long time because he had to be perfect because of his bad rep as a breed. I am so fed up with this world!! So fed up!!!

On Tuesday I drove to our chalet. We hadn't been there for a while and I was so happy the first night, I didn't hear anyone around. We had peace and quiet! It was nice, I enjoyed those 3 nights there actually. Now back at work, and in freakin hell town! With all these disgusting people everywhere! Yuck! yuck yuck. I think life hates me. It showed me all the best things in life to then not give them to me. All I have are my dogs. I am grateful but they didn't have a great life at all! I am so not happy! I so want money, and money hates me. I have been repeating the things they said in The Secret: money loves me , for 6 months or something. But truth is money hates me! I wanted my 2 babies to have a great life! Let me guess, money is gona come when I don't want it so so much... When my dogs will have gotten sick in this rotten poor life, living in small places! I won't want the money, and then it will come right? I must have killed a lot of people in my past life to deserve this. That's probably why I feel I can kill, or that killing humans is not a big deal to me. So if there was a past life, I probably killed many people who didn't do anything to me! I cut their throats, maybe. I don't feel like I shot them I feel like I used a primitive tool to cut throats or beat to death. I now must be paying for all that. I am so down to earth that had I been poor all along and seen nothing in this life I wouldn't have suffered as much as I do after seeing the good life up close. I can only find this for explanation! Otherwise life is too ugly for no reason! I must be paying for the past. Knowing that , can I change things for me? Not sure. I can only do my best with what I have... as usual! But I am looking for a change, for improvement! I need to get a clue on life just a little bit more, with age!

I want to believe in Lord Shiva! He has protected my dogs all these years. I feel horrible asking for money to him but I do, I have... It's horrible though. Is it? Money is bad then? Money is not bad, but getting so much in one easy winning, it's not fair. Forget fair! When am I gona realize that winning is good for me and the dogs. Maybe I know that deep inside I am not a good person and that I wouldn't use the money for dogs only... I think I would, I would get a house for them, get a car for them, other dogs for them. The only thing I would do for me is go take dance classes. Is that so horrible? My father sure never wanted me to be a dancer and my mother either, she always said no to dancing. Yes to acting, but no to dancing. She thought I couldn't make a living in dance, but in acting she thought I could make a little bit of money here and there. She acted when she was young , small time but still. She thought I could act a bit. But since she was no dancer at all, I obviously couldn't have been good at that, nor did she want me to show the world I could be good at something she wasn’t good at! She has never had the sense of space, of motion, of her body in space like I had. Jealous, I bet she was. I should have known. Now I remember that older woman in a dance class in the US once. She was good, in shape, but old, I thought. I was 25. Now it would be me in those dance classes, looking like a fool, old... while everyone would be young. Maybe I shouldn't go to the US, even if I won the Lotto. Young people take dance classes! Only in NYC do we find these freakish old women with money, who take dance classes every day! Maybe I am stuck in NYC! Ok maybe Destiny is waiting for me to say I am not going to the US, and he or she will make me win??? Ok So I'll forget about the US! I 'll go to Italy. I'll get an apartment in Rome! I Do you hear that Destiny? Did you not want me to go to the US? Because I'd feel horrible going around taking dance classes with all these young people. Ok I'll gladly settle for Italy!

Jan 18:

Well thinking about Italy didn't work for me to win millions... A few days ago I felt stuck. Stuck with all my hopes and trying to attract the jackpot not working and not knowing what to do. I went into a very dark period for a few days, wanting to kill people again.... really badly.... It's not good for my dogs to see me like that and feel my energy. Going to our chalet helped but gave me too much hope that I was going to win, that I was ready to win. And I didn't. Then I went back to my wanting to slice people's throats, the Swiss mainly. At school where I work, most of the students calm me down, they, are from all over the world, young , full of good energy, even if some of them are down, the mass is still full of better vibes than the Swiss I feel around me in the village. But still, I was not feeling well, plus these idiot Swiss were waking me up by bouncing on the stairs on the other side of my studio wall in the morning. Two days ago I slept 3 hours, I was so angry when they woke me up, I wanted to hit them of course, kill them so they'd be quiet. I was shaking and breathing like a hog. I instead took the dogs out so they got some sun. I then lied down on the grass in the forest for 20 or 30 minutes without being able to sleep but at least rest as I knew there would be no one in that area. It is so tough to long to sleep all the time. This night job is ok when I can sleep well in the morning. So anyway I was thinking I was going to drive to the chalet, every morning at 6am after work, a 90min drive minimum, but at least I could sleep there!! Well not if it's sunny with Shadow outside barking at people walking by, because I had started to let him bark at people when they were all driving me nuts. Anyway so I must say I was lucky to talk with this Bulgarian guy at school , about life, thoughts, and The Secret. I told him it doesn't work for me, I can't make it work. He lent me a book written by a Bulgarian writer many years ago. I started reading and he talked about working on your spiritual side, you have to, not long for things, but just wish for harmony, peace and health. I am ok with the health part, but I thought that kind of perfect thinking, wishing for humanity's best, world peace are not for me. The hippie in me would love world peace and all people being cool and nice to each other, but knowing humanity, and the disgusting people I have come across in Switzerhell, I couldn't believe in world peace unless it was after eradicating the whole Switzerland. Even in the US there are a number of people who are sick, evil for the wrong reasons ( as opposed to evil because life has been hell). This Bulgarian book has taught me one thing so far: thoughts are not created by us, they are entities that come to us. Our job is to control them, get rid of the bad, keep the best. He also writes about how thoughts are like our children that we have to train and educate. The fact that thoughts could be entities from outside was new to me. But it makes sense because I often have great thoughts accompanied by feelings, and I always kept thinking it was because something good was going to happen. I thought I was psychic or had female intuition. But no, then I'd get disappointed and bumped. No more! What I have to do is keep the happy thoughts, welcome happy thoughts! When people mess with me I get angry there is a bit of natural reaction for my character, but I can also reject the evil thoughts of visualizing killing them. In any case I can't do it now because I don't want to risk loosing my dogs and my "freedom" , then it's no use for me to think those thoughts. I get angry it's one thing, but letting those nasty thoughts come into me is not good for me. These thoughts see my anger and they're lurking, waiting to get in me, and so far I have been very welcoming! I have opened the door to a lot of evil thoughts of murder within the last 3 years. The book says that thoughts can be seen or taken by someone else who might kill instead of me. Well there was a time where I wished that was true and someone would have killed my neighbor in the hell village or the concierge who was messing with my everyday life. I truly would have been thrilled to see someone else kill them for me. But that doesn't happen. But the part about welcoming happy thoughts and the fact that thoughts are entities and not created by me is something that has made me think a lot. And thinking a lot helps to see things differently. Happy thoughts, more happy thoughts, and not calculating how much I think about something in hopes to attract that exact thing, could help. Just happy thoughts. I have actually been thinking about more money than the Lotto could ever bring me, the kind of unlimited money. That's happy thoughts! Just happy thoughts. I am not thinking about how to attract it , it's so far out, and so happy! I am thinking: Brownstone in Manhattan around 63 rd street, the whole house with a big private garden in the back. I can picture my happy healthy Shiva and Shadow and their new girlfriends that I would have gotten them. All of us going for a morning walk and the rest of the day playing around the house and the garden. Our cat having fun in there. I was also thinking cabin in Colorado, near a great ski resort. My jet to take us there once a year for a month. I am thinking house by the water with our private beach. My jet to take us there once a year for two months. I am thinking house in Connecticut, next to a cow farm. We'd go there for a few days get-aways. I am thinking money so I don't have to count it, so much that there is always enough. But I am also thinking happy thoughts for right here right now. I have put ads to rent the stupid studio I am in, to get rid of it. If I leave before the end date of the rental contract, I have to be the one to find a replacement. I have looked for another place already. I have called people to buy a cat, which I am really excited about! And I think my dogs will love a kitten to play with! I am thinking happy thoughts!

February 19th:

I am at a point where I am not sure if my core is there. My core was always to make sure the dogs and me stay together, never separated. I left them once 4 days to go to NYC to check out a stupid job and Shiva got hurt while I was gone. I have been really upset that I have wanted to beat people up but I haven't because of the dogs. I never wanted to risk going to jail and have the dogs put somewhere in a shelter, or Shadow be shot by the cops because he growled and barked. I never wanted the dogs to be alone , they have had me as their mother, owner, master, ever since they left their homes as puppies, and I know that there is one thing dogs love, it is consistency. If people don't always give them that physically, as far as feeding on time, walking on time or changing homes, moving, traveling. All that is ok as long as the owner stay the same. They'll be all right as long as they have their human master friend that they know and recognize. My life has been such a mess ever since I got my dogs. It was not because of them at all. It was a mess before too, but before I my father's death's money to go to school and live in the US. Had I known to let go of my mother, I would have used the money well. The fact and the matter is I have been a bad mother to my dogs. Shadow , who loves the outdoors, has lived in rooms and studios all his life! I have been moody , upset, angry and sad. I have been a bad mother, just like my mother has been a bad mother to me. I thought I would never be a bad mother. I love my dogs and on good days, I want to be better, and I can be sometimes, just not all of the time.

I am living in a studio yet again where people are bothering me, making noise to drive me nuts. I have been in places like that, once in town in the Northern part of Switzerhell, a studio with a balcony, in a town even more North, in a two bedroom apt for 5 months, in that bilingual town a tiny studio, in a deep flat country town, in a room, in France, in Paris , in the last two horrible villages. In all of these places, there were five or more people trying to f*** with me. I have lived horribly, with stress , tension, desire to kill, in all those places. But my core has always been about keeping the dogs and me together. Now they are getting old and I should be gentle with them but I can't even do that. I need to pull them away when men walk by or they will hit one of them with their bag, umbrella, cigarette, or god knows what else. They always do it when I don't pull my dogs away from their path. The thought of killing the punk upstairs who makes noise like crazy near my door to f*** with me has crossed my mind. I am thinking Shadow could go live with the French guy I used to date who liked him and would probably take him if I begged him to, and Shiva could go with Sylvie, this lady in France who has 4 dogs, or go with my god mother who has a little female dog. Sometimes like now I think that breaking the cycle will only be done by killing one of these Swiss people. They all look at me like I can't do anything to them, like a woman can't do s***. They all laugh when I get upset. I have been dying to kill them. Some old American friends would say: "You're bigger than that". Inside you're right, I could be bigger if life would let me, but let's look at my life. My dream was to be an actress and a dancer. I can't even say I didn't make it because I was weak at trying! I had dance opportunities that I didn't take. I didn't even go to my Julliard audition when I had one when I was 23. I don't know why I didn’t go, I must have had a stupid reason that made a lot of sense at the time! I am a looser. I even got fired at the beginning of the month. I now have finished my month and my job in Caux. I didn't like that school and the people running it, but I wanted to quit not be fired by idiots. Idiot bastards of Switzerhell have f***** with my life in every way possible. Now I am in that studio which I can't even get rid of, find someone to take over the lease. I can't do a dam thing anymore in my life. I think my dogs would be better off with other people. I think I can start killing. St***** A****** is the one I need to kill here. Mr M****** and Mrs A****** are the ones I need to kill in that old village. The neighbors on both side of my studio in France near Geneva and the bitch I worked for as an aupair in that same village are the ones I need to kill. In the bilingual town, I lived in a ground floor studio and ever since I asked people to not slam the front door, they all started to slam it more and make more noise,and throw things at my windows, and hit my windows , so there kill whoever I remember and the concierge who didn't want to do anything to help. In the North, kill Mr Z***** from upstairs. In the town by the lake, kill the concierge and the bitch on the ground floor who probably still lives there because she was a bit old. In my hometown, where my mother has a house and where I lived also with my dogs for 8 months, kill the two cops: M****** and Sch******. Once all that is killed, if I am not caught yet, take my dogs back, I'll be calmer. Right now I am unemployed and I don't see how I am going to live in this country five more years. I am giving my dogs five more years to be healthy. I was and still am planning on trying to live calmly until they go, and then start killing, but tonight I thought I couldn't wait. Well I threw away my Swiss knife that I was carrying in my pocket all the time, that might have been small but I knew I could cut throat with it. So I trashed it with my dog poop bag. I am so sick of this country, I can't even say. I don't want to set foot in Crappy Switzerhell ever again. Of course the best and best solution is always to win the game...Lotto. I am praying and asking different entities and maybe the one that I am asking now will grant me with my wish, but I have no certainty. I know that my life can be great with it and will probably stay shitty without it, even if I always manage to get something good here and there, so my dogs and I don't go totally buzurk!

Feb 25th:

Because of all the crap that I have endured from these Swiss people and the fact that I have been fired from the stupidest , most pathetic hypocritical scammers of an organisation, the school SHMS in Caux, a so called famous hotel school in Switzerhell. Please!!! In the past I had always quit jobs. I had never worked for someone who did me so wrong that I could still hate them because the ones that did me wrong in some ways, have also done good things to me or have taught me important things while I was working that I haven't hated a whole organisation I worked for. But this one! I had my share to complain about them and what they did to the paying students, but my night job wasn't all that bad considering I had to break some rules to keep warm at night, since the place where I was supposed to stay at was freezing cold. Oh but many students had no heat or very little heat, so I didn't feel alone and treated unfairly. So I got fired for the end of February. I stopped working a week ago. And my Shadow is ill. He is not well at all, and I am here with a dog who not only has had cancer for a while but was doing ok, plus that fact that he was poisoned. I am not sure how I feel. I had much hatred for the Swiss before already. The tumor came ( if it is one: a Swiss vet had diagnosed a tumor in Shadow a while ago and the only symptoms he had were from his arthritis) after all these years of crap we had to endure because of his breed!!! He is not insensitive. I have always felt cancer was something brought on by frustration in people's lives, so for a dog it's the same thing. Shiva luckily doesn't really care about people. He is not the dog that will go up to people to say hello. If they have a dog he'll want to say hello to their dog, that's all. He has been good like that, in his own world, focusing on what matters. Shadow and me, we are sensitive to our surroundings. We'd like to block it out but we can't. Plus Shadow always liked people... I feel like s*** these days. I don't know if he is going to die or not die, sooner or later. He is not well, but the next minute he seems ok, just not full of energy. Anyway I am trying to be there for him, while not neglecting Shiva. Needless to say my tolerance for people's s*** has gone below zero, but I maintain that I shouldn't kill anyone now as long as my dogs are still alive. But the desire to kill these Swiss people and some French, the ones who have f***** with us and the ones who come in my way now at any time... I can't explain how much I would feel relief to kill them, one two, all of them, whatever. This one lady on TV was saying that hate is close to love and that indifference is much worse. I don't agree at all even if I have heard that many times. I don't know what's wrong with the people who say hate is close to love. I can get upset at someone I love, my dog, my friend, whoever, but I won't hate them if I love them! Indifference is just not caring, ignoring, being selfish. Yes it can hurt but hatred is really something deeper. I hate the Swiss for their core, their inside, their guts. I want them eradicated. I don't think they should be allowed to breath air. That is if I believe there is some good on this planet. Of course I could not think much and say I hate people in general and this world sucks. Thank God I saw other cultures, ones like the US, where I know not everyone means well but the majority tries to mean well. And that's a big thing! The Swiss are filthy rats. Hypocrisy could be their best asset because without that the world would see who they really are and wouldn't let them be, or at least wouldn't go spend their money on vacation in Switzerland! Well that's changing anyway, people are starting to spread the word when they had a bad experience on their holiday trip, which is always, nowadays. Switzerhell then attracts the rats of the world. The foreigners who live there are, I realize now just as filthy. I used to hang out with foreigners and criticize Switzerhell with them, but then I realize that they really integrate into the hypocrisy, and still criticize but they have become Swiss in a lot of ways! I used to also hang out with Swiss who criticize the Swiss system and how people think , but now I can't stand them, they are so all alike criticizing each other and living well, in the country, having their little parties, dinners where they complain about everything but don't do a dam thing to change things nor to help people or a cause! Worthless people! They never help, ever! Forget helping the planet, helping someone who falls on the street! never! What I feel for these people is deep hatred. I am truly convinced the world would be a better place without the Swiss and the people they attract to live in their country! I feel like being Swiss has been a curse, but I am writing this book to kill the demons. Why is there so much filth in a rich country and the world doesn't see it or leaves it alone? Probably because there are other problems to worry about in the world. In their filth, the Swiss have managed to stay discreet. They would bomb places and kill massive amounts of people for fun if they hadn't been trained to be so stingy with their money! The country teaches kids to be stingy, to keep your money because that's the only good thing in your life. And they are probably right about money being the only good thing in Switzerhell. So people keep their money like it's their blood flow. The ones who give money to organisations, they do it not to pay too much tax!! It's not a joke like in the US, it's for real in Switzerhell! I know not all rich Americans spend their money wisely: I just saw auctions in Geneva on TV, where paintings are sold for 20, 30 millions! That has got to be the definition of ridiculous! Cruel and criminal. Should you be able to spend your millions the way you want to? yes but you should have a mind and a heart ( the combination is great) and spend money wisely when it comes to millions!!! At least buy companies where people can have jobs, I don't know, something productive!

Feb 27th:

I'll tell you the frustrations of poverty on a daily basis; well the ones I am experiencing anyway. I am at the chalet. I get up in the morning, I find my little dogs' ears cold ( which always means he is very cold) because the heat from the electric heater only works towards the upper side of the room. So because Shiva is trained not to come in my bed unless I invite him, he freezes. Shadow is not as cold because he has a comforter plus he can stand the cold better. Shiva has a comforter in his cage but he moves around at night, doesn't sleep in the same spot all night so he ends up falling asleep in one spot and then gets cold. So that's the first frustrating thing in the morning. Then I take the dogs out, I have to watch out for people who insult me, scream at me to put my Shadow on a leash in the mountains, a dog who listens and obeys well, heels by my side. Plus now he is a sick dog with something no one can tell me what it is. The 2 vets can't agree. I go for my short walk since Shadow is really sick it's not worth going for a real walk anyway, and get him tired and get frustrated with these idiots out there. Until not too long ago I used to push my dogs to do our legendary 2 hour walk in the morning that we had been doing for the last 7 years. So the frustration of having to deal with idiot people outside is getting unbearable. Then I come back in, I start a fire for heat. The fire won't start... a lot of times... my wood is too thick and paper doesn't work . I need little chunks of wood, which I can't do because the chalet would fall apart if I start using the axe inside since it holding on piles of bricks, and outside there is snow everywhere.... So I push paper in the fire like a crazy person. Then When I get a bit of warm water for my tee, I have breakfast. I can never have food without TV when I am alone. So I turn on the TV, doesn't work.. I have to mess with the digital antenna for about 20 minutes until the screen is half still. I sit, eat and still the screen messes with me, so I get up a couple more times while I am having breakfast. Then, I'd like to have a shower! Oh wait I don't have running water and boiling water to throw it over me to take a "shower" outside in the day time especially when it's sunny and people are walking around is never a good idea if I don't want men to roam around my place, as I try to not talk to people to make sure no one comes near my front door, in my garden. They come around when I am not there I know...Then I try to call someone for a job , there is no network, or the network is there only it cuts off every second! I know I could avoid most of my frustrations living in a studio in a building with morons all around, in a town away from the mountain. Well my quality of life is still better in my waterless chalet than near these moron Swiss who do everything to drive me nuts. They are not afraid because a woman does not know how to kill in these primitive countries. A woman doesn't know how to do much really. Actually it is so ingrained in everyone's mentality that it's true, women can't drive, can't do a lot of things, because they have heard since they were little, that men do everything better, except ironing, cooking, cleaning.

What makes me sick is that the Swiss think women can't do anything including hurting someone physically. I choose to live in this chalet. I have to deal with all the primitive living crap ( humans) but I also ,once a week or so, have to deal with morons coming close to my place at night, or in the evening messing around throwing rocks or snowballs at the chalet, and so far since I am still alive they haven't tried to shoot, but they have attempted to kill my dogs since Shadow is suffering from an intoxication from rat poison. Had I seen it earlier I could have cured him but now it's at a stage where the vet says he only has a few weeks, months at the most. I couldn't have known because he had been in a little pain for a while because of his arthritis. He is in deep pain now, day and night even with the cortisone. I feel like killing like a psychopath, because I don't know who it was who came by with the poison. I feel like killing them all!!! But most of all I am afraid to miss the guilty person. I am more afraid not to get the bastard than to kill innocent people. That’s when you know I have got real hatred. Before I always stuck with my beliefs that I had a list of assholes who messed with our lives, and I was, to once kill them. Every time I would get upset at someone about something, I'd have to remember that I had worse enemies. But now I am living in pain with Shadow, hoping he'll live another day, another week, another month and dreaming another year or two!!!!!! Tonight there is a punk parked right next to my car. It's a dead end and he could have parked further but I know he is one of the f**** who lives around here and who is having fun messing with my life, then he walks towards my chalet even if there is no real road or path, but he knows it's not my property near the forest, so he does it just to mess with me. He doesn't think I have a gun, he just thinks I will get upset and that will make his day, or night in this case. He could have had a gun. Someone tried to kill my dogs, they could try to kill me, but for that, they'd have to blow up the chalet just like they did on that woman in the next village who had 2 of my dog's breed. Her chalet is burnt, gone. I never found out if the dogs are still alive or the lady. That kind of thing you can't find on the news, and you have to know a cop or a fireman ( if they did go I am not even sure) who was there. Even people who gossip often can't find out the info. I need to leave this country in a bad way. I have been saying that for 2 years now, but in poverty with 2 old dogs you think twice about hitting the road. I am getting detached from winning millions because that's the only way that the universe could work itself out to bring me what I want. So far I had been pressing the thoughts, the issue like a stubborn kid, and that stubbornness works if it's something physical I need to move with my hands and feet, but a game like that, it's the universe pushing the balls in the holes. Detached is the new word! Feel detached! I don't know how it came to me, I think I heard it somewhere at some point but it came to me today: "You have to feel detached".

March 7th 2009

I have yet again not won. There was a big jackpot and not only because I have been wanting this winning for a long long time and still believe I can win, but also because right now I am at a dead end in my life. My Shadow is sick, I lost my last job and I hate this country a bit more every single day and it is getting unbearable. Unbearable to live here and unbearable not to be able to get out. So my will power to win a jackpot like there was last night had never been stronger. I actually thought I was on a new frequency because I wanted it more and in an absolute way this time. People who talk about the power of the mind always say that it doesn't matter if what you want in big or small. Some of them have said that it ( the power of the mind) wouldn't work on the Lotto. But in my logic, I can't conceive that one can make things happen, whether big or small, and one thing doesn’t work...the Lotto? Their logic is that the odds are slim and many people want the exact same thing at the same time. I still say if the power of the mind works, it can work for the Lotto! Obviously it hasn't worked for me. My 2 explanations of the day: I don't know quite yet how to make my mind work since I am a very down to earth physical person, or the power of the mind doesn't work. Bad thoughts try to enter my mind: Maybe not everyone can have power of the mind, maybe I don't have it at all, and also, maybe there really are demons stopping me from winning, annoying me and making my life difficult. I could see them as laughing demons just like the Swiss laugh at the fact that I have no money. They got me to come back to Switzerhell where they know people are dumb, as dumb gets, and that it would drive me nuts. Not only that but they mess with my life and as a woman alone the demons know I can't fight back. I can't fight back with the law and I am being watched like an alien ( or just a woman) and I can't get any kind of revenge without getting caught. For that I 'd have to get help, help from people who are in Switzerhell right now and those people ALL make me want to vomit, whether Swiss or foreigners.

March 8th

I have hopes that Shadow will be ok. I must not want to win those millions though yet, that's my theory of the day. I realize I want to write this book to tell the world about Switzerhell and I had been thinking that I should win the millions before really getting to it. I was writing here and there, but I thought that if I win the money, then I can have all the time in the world in the US to write my book. But by not winning this time, I have come to think that when I win I won't want to write about Switzerhell, I won't want to hear or speak about Switzerland! With all the things I want to do and I know I could do with loads of money, I won't want to sit and write about this filthy Swiss place!! It had never dawned on me. Had I won yesterday, I wouldn't have killed any Swiss, wouldn't have taken any revenge, nor written the book once I would have been in the US. I would have been in my little bliss-y world, planning about all the great things I wanted to do! So I don't really want to win yet. I have to write this book. I need some kind of closure with Switzerhell. In a primitive world ( I certainly learned to think primitive in this country), I would need to go kill every single one of the trash-bags who messed with me. And I am an elephant, I remember the ones from way back when I was younger. But mostly I want the ones who have messed with my life when I had my 2 dogs and especially Shadow. These people killed his spirit. He is not dead yet. He is doing horrible though. He is in big pain every day. Every night he wakes me up several times to go in the snow to get some relief. One vet told me he was poisoned. The other said he wasn't sure. I could tell he was lying. That was the one working closer to the chalet, so was he protecting someone he suspected? We have been through so much with my dogs. I couldn't stay insensitive to all the crap unfortunately. I could have a tumor myself because of these bastard people, but that hasn't been established or proven. I just don't go to the doctor's. For now I concentrate on the vet. I have high cholesterol, for which I take medicine. I also wake up with my arms feeling asleep ( pins and needles), the blood circulation not working well. It could be because of what I eat. I eat a lot of fat and a lot of sugar. It helps me live. I work out so I am not obese but I am fat. It doesn't bother me because I have more important things to worry about. And like I always say, if being fat is a problem in our societies, we really have problems. All these women and men who go seek help because they can't loose weight!? Come on! It's a rich people's problem. We all need to learn about nutrition, the facts about the nutrients we need to have a balanced diet. Once you have that knowledge, people should not seek help or complain for being fat! It is such a small problem to solve compared to the other problems of this planet! And I am not saying everyone should try to save the planet but people should worry about getting food and shelter, love and passion and try to help something or someone on a daily basis. Aside from that the problems with eating too much and not being able to stop, or smoking and not being able to stop! Talk about will power! Are humans that weak? I understand however someone who is handicapped or can't work out because of health problems and has difficulty loosing weight because her or his body doesn't process food as well as bodies in good health. When I look at these women who pay thousands to see an adviser to help them on their "special" diet and theses same women buy fur coats. The combination of the pathetic nature of paying to get help to eat less or have someone force you to choose your foods because you can't do it alone (...) and then, the viciousness of participating in the industry that goes to kill innocent animals to make cute coats which also cost thousands!!! Not to keep someone warm because men have come up with several good material that keep people warm!!! If you live in a cave, go hunting for food and kill an animal to make yourself a coat, a cover to keep you warm at night, sure! Your lifestyle is somewhat organic, natural. But the industry of these gross people who go kill animals to sell the furs to boutiques across the globe, sorry I can't see the logic except demon logic. Then if that's ok, I don't see why we don't have the right to kill people who make our lives a living hell!! I know: humans are so precious. Human life is so important, no matter what the filthy human does to others! We go to trial, give him a warm cell with food and water, milk even! Give her or him activities to distract the important human... I am not for the death penalty though because I am against the state taking the great authority to kill one person and not the other on the basis of a trial with "proof" that is real or not real.

Why do animal lives have less importance? I never really understood that. I get it that humans have more abilities because of our brains and the structure of our bodies. But that means that humans should be smarter and show it! When you look at the planet, you can't say that humans show proof of great intelligence. I don't hate all humans, don't get me wrong. That reminds me, once, I put an ad on the web looking for a man who valued animal life, who wasn't into being with lots of humans all the time ( like some people who needs to be around people, go out to bars and clubs all the time, see people everyday). I remember getting this answer from one guy who wrote how stupid I was because if there wasn't any humans left, many animals would die, of hunger or be killed by other animals. Therefore I stress the fact that I don't hate humans, I just like the smarter ones. We can't all agree. I don't only like people who agree with me, but your logic has to be coherent. Psychology is complicated. People get crazy and do things they'll regret, or act a certain way because of their environment. But I love humans who make sense on the planet. I tell you the country where I have lived that had the biggest amount of those kinds of people was the United States. What I have lived in Switzerhell has shown me how massive amounts of people live in a world where viciousness is their main motive. In Switzerhell people have been trained for years to be scared, scared of the authorities and rich men mainly. That's what keep most people from killing others. They have learned to drop their main motivation and do something else. I see many people who do activities like courses, art, working around the house, the gym even, without liking their activity. You can see it in them how they are there taking part in an activity, but their hearts are not in it. I wonder why they bother. But then again if it can keep them from hurting their neighbors for no reason...

That's all they do, f*** with people, these Swiss f***s spend their lives f***ing with people's lives. And when they see no man in an apartment, just women, they will mess with you even more, and even more! I am living full time in my tiny chalet, without running water. It's primitive but at least I am alone, have a small fenced yard for the dogs, and especially now that Shadow is sick, it's a lot better to be in a chalet than in a studio. The chalet is at a dead end so cars sometimes park on the road in front, but every other day, I have assholes who park there and look, look what goes on here, see if they see other people than me. They sit there in their car and watch, to mess with me. They obviously have nothing to do. I say "they" because I regularly take license plate numbers and the only ones that come back on a regular basis, are the ones who go for walks and hikes. I don't know who most of these scum bags are, some are people from that other village where they kicked us out of, who think they can still f*** with me. I am so ready to kill, if one asshole comes within my yard! I am so determined that not one of them has come inside my yard, when I was in the chalet. I know they come inside when I am not there, to look around, put poison on the ground, look inside through the window when it's open, steal a shovel or a bucket just to show they can, but I have to say they have never some inside the gate when I am there; Thanks to Shadow's presence. Well they are not afraid of my desire to kill because they would laugh if I told them, but they are afraid of the big dog. But the truth is I am so determined to kill if they approach. If only they knew. I want to kill many of these Swiss who have made my life a living hell, but I have not even hurt them. The thing is in this stupid country, it's not worth beating someone up, because you go to jail, and as a woman I would either go to jail or end up in a mentally disturbed hospital if I so much as hit someone. So I won't make a move or if I do , I'll go for the kill. If I kill without a witness, I have a chance to get enough time to drive out of the country and run away. Except I have no money , a sick dog, and an old dog. So I eat my frustration up and I go about my day.

These days I cry a lot because of Shadow's state, and because I have never been able to give him the kind of life I wanted to give him. He is dying now. I hope he will live another year but the vet is not so optimistic. My life is miserable, I am poor, live in hell country, and have one of my dogs who is really sick, poisoned. When these mother-f***ers come around and sit in their cars for 2 hours in front of my place to mess with me, now I keep thinking that they want to see if Shadow is still walking around, because I am sure the word is going around that my big dog is not doing so well. They have broken stuff under my car before while they were hanging out, parked behind my car. I don't care these days what they do to my car. Now my dog is sick and these people are still sitting there in their car for two hours, watching in my direction. I can't take this crap anymore!!! I cry and wait until they leave. I want to go cut their throat but instead I cry! Why can't I have some peace now that Shadow is very sick??? Motherf***ers! The man is alone in his car. The other day, there was a guy with a dog. He went for a small walk then came back to this car. I watched the car and he was there for 3 hours. I went down to see his face from up close. He was watching a movie in his car, in a freezing weather outside. It must have taken a lot of car battery to heat the car up while not driving. He didn't have an expensive powerful car. I knocked at the window because he wouldn't open when I made a sign for him to roll down the window , and I asked him if he was waiting for someone or looking for something, he said he had the right to stay there if he wanted, that he was probably going to spend the night there and that there was nothing that I could do about it. Then I started asking him who he worked for, and what kind of crap he was trying on me. He rolled up the window, made a phone call, stayed another 15 minutes and then left. I don't know if he came back or not, but I was on guard. I am sick of being on guard. I am always on guard which has saved our lives a few times, both of me and of my dogs. I feel so much safer in the US, where everyone likes to say there is a lot of crime. Frankly from what I have experienced, there is more crime in Switzerhell than in the US. Plus the fact that as a woman, I feel more protected by the law in the US. I remember this New York cop, at the gym, he was telling me that as a foreigner, I had a lot less rights than an American. He had no idea what it is like to live in Switzerhell as a single woman. I may have had less rights than an American but in American society, I felt already safer as a woman, and I anyway had more rights in the US than in Switzerhell. I had more rights with the law, had more rights in society with men in general, had more rights to have fun and to be me.

March 9th

I am here in my tiny cabin with my dogs, one of which is really sick. It has been snowing like crazy. I have to get on the roof every other day to take the snow down before the roof collapses under the weight of the snow. As the matter of fact a part of the wood at the edge has fallen off. I put a broom to sustain the rest of the roof. It's very primitive. I have no water, so I take showers with boiled snow ( then water). I can't wash my hair. I can't wash the pans and pots. I put snow in them and I boil and boil. For that I have to get wood, lots of wood. At this point I don't go get it in the forest. I go buy it in a town, 30 minutes away, and then carry it up the snowy hill. No one makes my path when there is snow. I guess I can be happy that they sort of do the road that leads up here. Now there is so much snow I can't walk straight down from the chalet to the road, it's easier for me to take a huge detour through the forest. It's fun some days. It's anyways better to live here than in some studio with scum all around. Shadow likes it here. Here they may come and mess with me for a while but then a few hours later they leave. I'd rather deal with this. It's all relative. But I am so tired of the way life is right now. My dog is suffering, he looks at me a lot. He looks at me and says I am in pain! I can't help him except pet him and be with him. My small dog on the other hand is still well and I can't take him for long walks and leave Shadow alone. Anyway with his little legs, he gets snow clogged up all around his hair anyway. He doesn't like the snow that much! Shadow at least likes to lie in it every 5 hours to relieve the pain. At night he asks and sometimes I can't hear him. He wakes me up pretty often so sometimes I sleep through the groning. I am unemployed which is always stressful even if I know that it's not bad right now because Shadow needs me. I am here alone with my dogs in my cabin under the snow, shoveling every day to see the light, and dreaming, still dreaming... that everything could get better... It's my eternal dream of winning lots of money to go buy a home, get more dogs, a cat, a bird. ( yes even if birds and cats are not supposed to get along) I have been dreaming of that same thing for so long, it hurts inside. It hurts. I don't know whether to hold on to the dream for it to happen or to let go because it might never happen.

March 11th

Last night on the news they showed the 2 school shooters in Alabama and in Germany. The Swiss tv interviewed Germans. They said: " I thought murders in schools was only happening in America. Now America is coming to us! " The poor Germans are being attacked by the Americans! About Europeans: They love McDees, all the food and drink imports that we can now find in the super market ( 10 years ago there was limited choice of foods in the supermarkets). They love the American movies, music which they play as if they created it because they add a few lyrics in their own language ( look at French hip hop...). They love video games, TV shows, clothing style. They even like to use American ways of talking. Whether they know it or not, they all take on some American "thing". Some of them idealize the United States, and some of them under-estimate the United States. Most Europeans are jealous of the United States and they criticize over and over everything they can while watching American movies and wearing American clothes... The hypocrisy here is childish. Germans, French and even Swiss have murders in schools, but most of them are kept quiet. The Swiss love to show all their neighbors' crap on the news, so the Swiss reporters always try to catch a shooting from another country and show it on TV

About the Swiss showing others' trash on tv to make believe how perfect Switzerhell is compared to the rest of the world, there was this 15 minute slot on the 30 minute ( Swiss news only lasts 30 minutes) Swiss prime time evening news, about the production of MET in East St-Louis, USA. That was in October. They showed the ghetto with the GREAT amount of thugs, true poverty and criminality. It could make people be glad not to live there. But was there nothing else to talk about on the Swiss news for half the time of the whole news program? Well nothing they wanted the people to know about! The news is not allowed to show anything they want, and it's not like they want to go against the dear government, the authorities. The Swiss are well afraid of the authorities but these TV programs makes some of these people really scared of the US. I personally don't mind , I wish more Swiss would be scared of the US, because I don't want to see Swiss when I go to the US. But, I have heard Swiss people say that they would never go to the US because it was so dangerous! Tv works wonders. Well it's not like people talk to each other about political, philosophical or religious stuff. They have been told not to talk about any of that at work and don't talk about any of that with their neighbors! Plus it's not a very talkative people anyway. They love to chat to pretend to be nice, to be polite. They love to insult women and foreigners. End of story. Intellectual conversations where real opinion and thought exchange goes on doesn't happen on Swiss soil. Well, there are many sects. We call them sects because they belong to a group, sometimes religious, only talk to that group, are faithful to that group. That group gives them safety to talk, yet they tell them how to think and talk. I never knew there were that many sects in Switzerhell. They pretend they are even smarter communities than society ( which already thinks it is smarter than the rest of the world).The old building which the hotel and management school I worked for, rents out is owned by people who hold private conferences 3 times a year. My colleague told me they wore weird costumes for their meetings. These people need to create sects in order to belong to something. It is the sheep mentality. Many students see ghosts on a regular basis in the palace. My colleague told me that this sect who owns the building, create these visual effects, while pretending the building is hunted. How convenient or fun it is for these idiots to scare foreign kids so that they would stay weary and careful, so that they would talk about the place in their own country. What a great publicity stunt! I worked in that building and I am very sensitive to presence, whether it be ghosts or other entities. There is no ghost in that old building, only an electricity system that is not up to the national norm and that needs to be updated to keep the safety of the students. But that updating would cost a lot of money. The owners of the palace call themselves a group that fights for a better world. Supposedly a group that talks about making the world a better place. Right...The guy who lived in a villa next to the palace, and who is one of the owners, plays friendly to find out what goes on in "his" building, among students. He also takes part in the school conferences. I have heard him sneak in his secret office next to the reception, where my colleagues and I used to work and chat at night when no one was around. This guy who spies on people, and "tries to make the world a better place", couldn't help me find an apartment when I got this job and was desperately looking for a place. It is a tiny village where everyone knows each other, where everyone talks about everyone every Saturday morning at the post office. I wasn't fired only because the stupid hotel school managers didn't like a woman who talked too much and was getting a bit too close to the students which was dangerous for the school's false image. I was not lying to the students like they wanted me to. I was also fired because this sect of owners saw that I was not only a big mouth about truths and facts, but I was also telling students that ghost don't exist ( because for one I knew there were no ghosts in there and they weren't supposed to get scared for no reason) and the students were actually listening to me. One of my collegues who was never doing his job right, was working there for 8 years. He was a nut case, believed not only in ghosts but in a lot of imaginary spirit stuff which he would sometimes share with the students. He was the kind of guy who would say he can tell things about a person... The stuff he told me about me was so off. The guy from the sect also didn't want me around, not in the village, not in the school, because he knew what kind of dog I have. I know I don't have to want revenge on these kinds of assholes because his soul is so damaged that he will end up in great pain.

　

March 13

Life is not peaceful in Switzerhell! I live in a small cabin located in an area where the people I see, aside from local pricks, are tourists or Swiss going walking, hiking, sledding with their poor huskies who only get to run in the winter time, cross country skiing and bobsledding with their kids. So I do get some peace at night or later at night, or during the week sometimes even during the day. Last night I was lying down in the snow looking at the stars until my dog barked to tell me there was someone around...But you would think that I could get a day without getting upset by these idiot people. No. Here I am, unemployed so I don't have to deal with anyone at work. I need to go to the gym sometimes to work out and take my one shower of the day since I have no water here. So I take the car and drive down. The morning had started peacefully. I had walked the dogs without seeing anyone, hearing anyone scream out repeatedly the name of their dog when they see mine, without anyone who gave me a dirty look or who insulted my big dog. So I am driving down the mountain... It is impossible to drive and not have either some moron who drives so close, licking the rear of my car because he thinks it's going to make me drive faster, or some slow Swiss that has to make a full stop ( almost) before every curve. Geneva license plates are the worst. They come in this area only once a month so they don't know the road well and they are super careful because they have heard about car accidents even if the local news won't talk about them. Today there was a big mess of traffic on the road, because of the police blocking a kilometer long so no one would see the accident, or murder or who knows what we will never know about!

Anyway, I have learned to deal with the prick drivers, I wait until there is a dotted line where they can pass and I slow down so they do it right away. I was on my way up the mountain after the gym, and there was this car which drove right up my rear like he wanted to pass, so like usual I wait until I see the road straight for a bit with a dotted line, and I slow down so he can pass. But he wasn't passing! This is how sick these people are. He had a powerful car and he was driving fast until he got behind me. But because I slowed down to let him pass, he wanted to bug me to show me that I couldn't tell him what to do! I know how psychologically disturbed they are, and I can't stand it and will never get used to it! I despise these people so much.

At the gym today, there was a bunch of older people ( that will teach me to go to the gym in the morning). The older men look at me and want to make eye contact. Then they insist and walk by me several times when they see I am avoiding their looks. They walk by and they stop in front of me ( because they can), and do it again and again. Instead of punching them which I would love to, I move to another area even if I need to work out where the pricks are . I am new at that gym so some of them don't know that I live on the mountain, in that isolated area. . These same men are the ones with lots of time on their hands who would come put poison in my yard, and the ones who simply must look inside my place through the main window when I am not there, the ones who steal my mail because they think they entitled to know everything about everyone in their village. It's the old Swiss retired men who are still in shape to walk around the mountain every day. They're the ones who criticize their neighbors for breathing the wrong way and then talk to them like they were their best friends. They're also the ones who do a little sport and keep fit so they think that even at 65 years old, a woman should bow, smile and talk to them because that's the way things have been for centuries. I have seen other women at the gym, they look back at them with this utmost discreet smile that says " you are a man and therefore I owe you" (I owe you many thanks for appreciating me as a woman and not hurting me because we all know you can). So these men go about their day feeling powerful like they should (!!). The fact that I don't want to look at them or be around them drives them nuts and they will bug me even more. Luckily today there were 2 younger guys. I took refuge near them. When the younger guy looks good and is bigger than average ( that's still not very big...), the older man lays low. I try to be close enough to the younger dudes so that the older f***s think that either I know him or he sees that the young guy doesn't mind me being close which means he might like me, in which case the older guy could make him jealous or upset by bugging me. For me, it's really just a matter of finding a comfort zone where I can work out and feel ok. Sometimes the younger men probably think I like them or I try to flirt with them because in this " we don't know how to communicate" society, people flirt with eye contact and getting close without saying anything. Forget the discussions and funny comments of the men in civilized countries. Actually I miss that SO much. I love how in the US men will say something funny to a woman on the bus, at the gym or on the street, to flirt or maybe just to be humanly nice! Anyway here I try to survive, so if I have to seem like I am interested in some younger men and look silly, I don't care. I'll take silly over being harassed be these scum bags. Not that all young dudes are better people in this country. I hate these old f**** who have hated my big dog the most, so much. So I was calm this morning and coming back up the mountain, this prick driver who refused to pass because I had slowed down to let him pass....How much is a girl supposed to take in a day ?! Seriously, I hate this place. When I was little, my mother used to say I was shy because I didn't want to talk to people, not even say hello. I don't think I was shy. I felt that ugly vibe that I won't ever like. I am not a shy person. I went to the US at 12 years old and I discovered after several months that there was a place in the world where people were normal. There was a large variety of specimen, all kinds of different people, but they were normal to me. In Switzerhell, I am or act shy, asocial, savage and fearful. I am fearful because I know what these people are capable of and what they get away with. But now, I realize that I had been lucky to live in the US. I first went with my mother, then I went alone but I had money to go to school and live. I later managed to go back and get small jobs ( a job in exchange for food and shelter for example). I tried different things but I wasn't moving up in the world... So the best thing was to come back and work, earning a decent salary. The quality of life though is more important than one thinks. Living here and now being even poorer than ever, and having my 2 beautiful dogs getting old and sick, I am becoming dark inside. I always had hope that I would either win millions or meet the man of my life ( an American) or win the green card lottery. I was always picturing going back to the US, always. Today for the first time I am feeling like this is it. I have to enjoy my dogs, give them the best life I can until they go and then I'll probably be able to publish this book for the world to know about this filthy place.

The things that have hurt me the most were the pain afflicted to my dogs, and then to dogs in general in this country. It reminds me when I left my 2 dogs at the shelter for 5 days when I went to NYC, my dogs had a huge bowl for water where Shiva couldn't reach the water! On top of the fact that they slammed a metal door on my Shiva's claws. That was a dog shelter that pretend to help dogs!!!!! I am outraged at this stupid country that has money all over the place. Shelters don't ever keep too many dogs, they kill many or sell them to labs! But you would think that because they don't keep many, the dogs that are there have some kind of comfort! jack! Nothing! This is a country of f***s who don't deserve to live on this planet! Along with all the rich mafia thugs of the world who live here!!!

The law of attraction can't work when you're living in scum and where every time you try to make yourself feel better to attract more of that, people jump to step on you because they don't like when they see you happy and they don't know why. I could say there are many demons everywhere, but these demons are humans, supposedly the smartest specie on the planet. Yes and the most vicious, I know I wasn't born yesterday even if I was born in Switzerhell. Maybe having lived in the US was really the worst thing for me, for who I am. It showed me that there is a world with a society where I can fit in and feel good in. Had I not known it existed, because you don't know these things until you live in a place for a certain amount of time, I might have learned to deal with this filthy country and maybe would have gotten married , and had children, lots of psychological problems like all people here, but I would have belonged and my life could have been more peaceful... The US where I learned to be me, has taught me how to feel. I don't think Swiss people have real feelings. Their feelings are all a big mess of trash mixed with learning to smile when others are and looking happy when others have told them to. These people are not happy because they don't feel. Does that comfort me in the sense that I have learned to feel and not them? No. Having tasted great things , I will always feel the pain of not having it again in my life. One could say: go to the US, work illegally like thousands, clean floors, or change diapers of other people's babies. Try to get a better job by f****** the boss. Sure there are options. I know many European women who have put up with crap in the US, just to be able to stay long term in the end. When I was babysitting for rich people when I was younger, I could taste their lifestyles and always thought that I could and would get that, without having to suffer to get to it. I don't know why I had such confidence, because it hasn't happened. My visualisation power is so strong that I have seen myself rich millions of times, probably once a day of my whole life. But that's all it was: visualisation. Be careful what you wish for. I have heard that many times. I have never gotten what I wished for. I wanted to be a movie star when I first came to the US at 17. I took acting lessons, and I even had people, actor friends believe in me, and that would help me visualize me as a rich actress. Acting, to me was a great way to get rich, it was something I liked to do. In dance there was no way to get rich, but actors were getting rich. So many people in the US used to tell me : remember me when you're famous! That would reinforce my belief. However every time I would come back to Switzerhell for the holidays, people would tell me: stop dreaming, that 's just a dream! Even my mother was always telling me to stop dreaming!

Now I don't want to be an actress anymore but I do want to be rich. I want to live well to erase those years of hell in Switzerland, and I want to give money to animal shelters or create my own. Obviously I don't say that to anyone here in Switzerhell. I don't even talk to people on a personal level, because they already destroy me on an everyday life level that I would rather talk to my dogs, to myself about things I really want and feel, than those filthy rats. I have lots of pictures of Lord Shiva and some of Ganesha where I live ( wherever I move to). They are beautiful gods, pictures full of colors, hope, spirituality and paradise. Gods who have animals by their side. What other gods could I have pictures of?

March 14th

Saturday and I should enjoy life since I am not working , I can spend a lot of time with my dogs and have time to work out and pig out when I come home. Life is good. Not really because my dog is not well. And home is a big word. If that's my home, it's sad, but I always keep this silly hope that things will get better. I am getting tired of me hoping to win millions! I have this pathetic life. Yes I have time to spend with my dogs, but in a tiny space, a tiny chalet, like always, with no means to get my dogs little friends, with no money to do anything. I am not bored, I am never bored but I am not productive. I spend a lot of time watching movies and series and eating, to make me feel better. Once I am stuffed with food and chocolate, I dive into these American movies and then I feel better. Is being on drugs worse? Not that I want to take drugs, because chocolate and tee is enough of a boost for me. I am dreaming of a different life. I can feel it with my deeper guts. It's stupid, but it is. My Shadow is sick and I can't concentrate on that, I have to keep dreaming. I have to keep my mind busy.

I was at the gym this morning. I took a class to do some cardio which I never do these days. I got red as a tomato because my blood circulation is bad since I don't do much cardio anymore. The class was a latino aerobics type thing. The moves were so silly. The teacher looked ridiculous and so did all of the women in there. I was doing what the teacher was doing, just trying to get a cardiovascular work out. I was thinking how far the ridicule can go. I mean if all of the women were having fun and throwing themselves around like nuts, it would have been funny ridiculous, and that's always good for the soul, but this was interesting for me to see and feel. It was pathetic ridiculous. I was having some fun moving around, but these other women didn't look like they were having the least fun. They were trying to do it because they probably wanted to loose weight, even if they were all pretty thin, according to me. But women can be silly like that. I don't much care if they insist on feeling bad, having to work out when they don't feel like it, because of what men want them to look like! Anyway so I went to the locker's room, and took a shower. There is however one thing I can't stand with these women: when someone is naked, drying herself, being in an intimate position, and an other woman comes in , she has to say hello as if the naked community would have to acknowledge each other! Taking showers all together ( the showers have no separations) already makes me think of jail or old time camps. I know we used to have showers all open like that in school when I was little, but I guess as a child I was used to it, but now I can't stand it. And since I have no water at home, I have to take showers... The thing that bugs me the most is the mentality of these poor souls, where they need to be acknowledged. They say hello because they think it's polite and also because their lives are so empty that other's acknowledgement is so comforting for them. In the US and Canada, it's actually a sign of politeness to mind one's own business, here they have never heard of the concept.

I don't know if my dog feels worse when I am not well or when I get upset , but it seems like it a bit. It could be a coincidence. Shadow had his first attack on feb19th. We were in that ugly village of disgusting people close to the hotel school. He woke me up in the middle of the night, and usually it's because he wants to go outside even if he does it very rarely, but I wasn't too tired when I woke up so I took him out. He didn't pee, which I thought was strange, and on the way back up the hill, he collapsed. My heart collapsed too. I carried him onto his legs and told him in a low voice but all the conviction in the world to please walk to the studio. I couldn't carry him. I wanted to be inside. I didn't want him to be unwell in the middle of the sidewalk. Whoever would have seen him and me if we had stayed there for a while, would have been too happy to see him sick . These people would have been too happy to see him die there, or die period. Just that thought of people being happy to see my baby dead makes me more than furious. And I know they would because people have told me many comments about how these breeds should all die, be exterminated, etc. How would you feel if people would be happy to see your child dead? how would you feel , tell me! And please, don't come with that "a dog is not a child" crap. I have noticed a dog has four legs and children have 2, thank you. And as for the love that you feel for your animal, who says that you're only allowed to love a certain amount? What is it, on a scale from 1 to 10? Are we allowed to love our children with a 10? Yes, that sounds good. And our animals, are we only allowed to love them with a 6 or a 7 or an 8 or with a 5 because animal life doesn't have the right to be cherished? What books say that? The Bible? Religious books? The law books? Humans' very smart and elaborate brains? Love your own kind only, right!? Well I say BULL!!!S! BULLL!!!BULLL!!!! I know it's the whole planet who values human life thousands of times more than animals! Even if, again the US, is the only country I know which has animal rights. You can go to jail for torturing animals. In Switzerhell, animals don't have rights. In 2009, people are allowed to eat dogs and cats and make coats out of cat fur, which they do all over the place!! It's not hidden. The Swiss with pets don't even do the research to know that. There are still people who put ads up in the neighborhood when their cat disappears!!! They have no idea. I used to ask around if people would ever find their missing cat. Never! People hope. It's human. But these Swiss idiots don't even do their homework to find out how many animals are eaten in their own small country! There was a picture of a butcher cutting up a dog in the paper a few months ago. Were there any protests in any towns? Nothing. I am so disgusted by the Swiss, in every way and for everything they are, think, and do or don't do! I am appalled at this rich country's scum-ness of a soul. I don't even know how to put it, I am so grossed out.

So on Feb 19th, I helped my dog in. I straddled him and carried his belly, his middle. He of course had to make an effort which he did because I was so motivated and he felt it. We got to the studio and his heart was beating 500 miles per hour, he was unwell but couldn't tell why. He smelled like rotten eggs when he burped, which he ha d before. He was not well at all, I was going to call everywhere to see if there was an emergency vet, but I laid down beside him on the floor and he started feeling better. His heart started beating slower a bit. I stayed with him for a half hour or an hour, and we went back to sleep. The next day we went to the woman vet I knew . First she said he looked pale and really not good. She took an x-ray but couldn't see anything, but gas. The vet had brought her daughter that day. The 7year old was waiting in the waiting room when I got there. Shadow always loved children, especially girls because they were sweet and gentle. He was looking at her. She wasn't scared at all, didn't even make a comment about the breed and the kid talked a lot. She was telling me a lot of information about her family, but who cared, her presence was good for my dog. The mother, the vet, was a nice lady but she did make a comment or two about the breed and Shadow growled a few times when she touched him in places he didn't like. The vet sent me to do an ultrasound scan to a place I didn't like because many times they won't let the owner be with the dog . But with Shadow, for some reason (they were scared of the dog) they agreed for me to be there and help carry him and hold him. The bitch basically told me to put him to sleep. I said are you nuts? and left. They saw nothing supposedly. Shadow was fine. He had had an attack! He was not fine. They didn't want to tell me he had been poisoned.

Well now that he is sick, he is extra sensitive. He doesn't feel well at all in the car anymore when we are stopped because he can feel the hatred from people looking at him. And poor dog had felt that for all those years!!!! I thought he was fine. Now I can see it because he is sick. Both my dogs always loved to come with me in the car. Maybe Shiva taught Shadow to like it because we were going somewhere with me, but Shadow had to endure the looks, the hatred!!! I could kill for that! I would like Switzerhell to disappear for that. Pouf! In an instant, everything gone! Flat land, no souls. I can be upset by people messing with my life for being a single woman, a different woman, one they can't figure out and it bugs them and they try to look for s***. I can hate but not to the point that I hate these people for giving that hatred vibe and hateful looks to my dog for all those years, and now he is dying!!!!! I know in the US and other countries, all the breeds that look like Pitbulls are not the favorite breeds, but how many people actually have the time to hate and give dirty looks to those dogs on the streets?? I was in NYC. I got many scared looks, and trust me I can tell the difference between fear and hate! But depending on where I lived in NYC because within the year and a half that we were there, I lived in Gramercy, East Village, Harlem and the Bronx. Well in Gramercy I got a lot of scared looks and people changing sidewalks and I got offended because the pattern reminded me of Switzerhell. The people in the building where I lived wanted me to leave, but didn't try to make me feel it. Someone even told me someone came in my apartment when I was gone to saw part of his teeth off. I had no proof of that. His teeth were almost gone but I thought it was from playing with a tennis ball every single day. But Shadow didn't suffer the kind of hateful vibes that he got in Switzerhell. In the East village, they loved him, overall. People would stop and ask about the breed and ask to pet him. People would throw comments at us, but positive ones, like : "Waow beautiful dog! " or "great dog". In Harlem I would get: " waow that's a big dog!", but they meant nothing bad by it. People were more upset to see my white face than the white dog. It was in Harlem that one guy once told me: " Those dogs are the best dogs in the world". He was walking by so I didn't get to ask him what he meant by it, because all dogs are great for various things. I don't want to talk about the particular breed of my dog because I don't want the breed to be popular.

Shadow likes the chalet. Without him, Shiva and I would have never moved there. It was basically for Shadow. Shiva enjoyed the fenced yard to hang out, but he'd rather walk in a city where there are lots of friendly dogs to meet. Shadow likes to bark at people walking by since I decided to let him, he can rest without feeling people's bad vibes right next to him or during our walks. Shadow loves to hang out in the grass or in the snow. I can tell he is sensitive to what I am feeling these days. Today I got back from the gym, upset again because of how idiots were driving, putting me in danger while driving 4 inches away from my car, in the rear. Shadow felt that and he started not being so great. He didn't want to go for a walk. He was breathing hard and his heart beat was fast. But then I calmed down, sat with him, and he felt a bit better.

Shadow never ran after an animal in that mountain. He never hunted nor killed a fox, deer, mountain goat or boar, like many Swiss said he would. Those animals, we used to see them on our morning walks almost every day. Since I have had Shadow, I have done these 2or 3 hour morning walks every single day. I have not let myself get sick with fever for all his life. That is 8 years. Living in small studios, he had to have his walks. There was no way I would have missed one day of morning walk. I did not let myself get sick nor injured. I did hurt my toe once and I went on my bicycle to walk him. I was carrying Shiva. In Central Park NYC too once I hurt the same toe. I always played ball with Shadow, and instead of throwing the ball I like kicking the ball. In Central Park, there was snow and I didn't see there was a rock and I kicked the rock thinking it was the ball, really hard... broken toe, or something like it, I didn't see a doctor. I remember I was baby-sitting these 2 kids, 5 and 10 year olds. The mother lent me one of the kids bikes, a small one. I biked all around Harlem with my dogs. People didn't like that, because they thought I wouldn't have control of my big dog...Oh well. Someone told me it was the evil eye in Harlem who broke my toe:" People don't like you being in Harlem". It felt better for me that they hated me more than my dogs!

I wish the hatred that the Swiss have thrown at my dog would have gotten back to them. He is dying because of the poisoning. I wish he would get better and we would have the money to get on that jet... far away... and he would get better. I would like my dogs to see me really happy and then I would like to see them really happy with little friends to play with, in a country where hatred for dogs is not a national anthem!!

March 15th

I was driving back up to my dead end rpad where I park my car in front of my cabin ( well it's not right in front, it's down the small hill). On the snowy road that leads up there, there are always idiot hikers who walk in the middle of the road. They know cars drive through there. When I used to go on long walks with my dogs, I used to always walk on the side of the road and when I would hear a car, I would push all of us to the side even more because not only that I know that most of these people want Shadow dead and that they could care less about killing a small dog, but I also don't trust their driving, in general. Anyway so I was driving up, and in the curve I needed momentum in the slippery snow to go up so I didn't slow down. A woman was in the middle and she was surprised, didn't hear the car because she is deaf ( not really) or she was talking to her husband. And she sees me driving and not stopping, and she starts screaming at me. I of course couldn't stop otherwise I wouldn't have made the last bit , and it's always very funny ( you didn't see me laughing) how these women will yell and scream at people when their husbands are right next to them, and when they're alone, they're trying to say hello for people to be friendly to them. Well then she curses me out for not responding. These older people are so sure that a woman like me could never hurt them, when I am alone and they are not. They have no sense of reality. I would really like to let loose one day, maybe on my last day in the country!

When I first lived in my cabin/ chalet in the mountain, I used to love the night walks, with no one around. Now that my dog has been poisoned, I don't go far with the dogs not only because both my old dogs don't really want to go far, but also because I can't enjoy the walks anymore. I am tense, looking out for people that would take advantage of my weak dog to hurt me or them. Not knowing who poisoned my dog, or who put poison in the garden, I suspect everyone, and already before I was trying to avoid people on walks. Now I want to kill them. So I am on edge, tense and aware of every noise. I love being in nature with no one around, and sometimes during the week, I am totally alone, or it seems that way. But I still can't enjoy it anymore. When we walk back through our gate, I can sometimes sit and watch the stars, but before I used to enjoy walking in the forest and on the paths, either in the winter, in the snow or in the summer. I am feeling choked in this country more and more. I am turning claustrophobic in this country. I can't stand having my dog dying. I can't stand being in this filthy country! Help!

　

March 16th

I so feel like I am walking on a thin rope like an acrobat who doesn't have a lot of balance but is fighting hard to stay on that rope. One foot after another. One day after another. Swiss people push me and bug me and the fact that I don't know who poisoned my dog ( he is still alive but unwell) makes me want to hurt all of the ones who mess with me even with little stuff, in case it was them. But I am focusing on my dog. So I am on that rope, I know I won't be walking it forever. I'll either fall right or left. On one side there is a jackpot winning and life outside of Europe ( there are so many countries out there that are decent places to live in), and on the other side there is the continuance of life in hell and one day: revenge. I am walking one that line where it's not really fun, but trying to stay out of trouble and out of anybody's way. I could stay on that line for a while, because there is still Shiva, my other dog who is healthy. I could fall over any time though. I can feel either side. I guess you could say that it's not the best way to attract a winning if I don't think about that, being the only way. But let's get real. All the coaches are right, the Lotto is not something you can attract. Too many people want it. Well I am not convinced, and even if I also think of evil potentially satisfying deeds, I still pray the Lords and think I have a chance of winning. All I want right now is that money to get out of here! I think that Shadow would get better if I won because I would feel this wave of happiness and excitement that would help him get better. I so want to be away from this country forever, I could cry! And I do cry! Crying is not bad. It's just tears, no big deal. My dogs are still alive even if one is looking horrible. But he still has the strength to walk to the little forest next to the chalet, he still eats and poops. Shiva had a sore leg. I think it's arthritis. He is feeling ok so I won't go to the vet again to get more pills... I can't have 2 sick dogs.

It's a sunny day in hell. I try to stay happy for my dogs so I eat a lot of chocolate. I have a very high rate of cholesterol, and I shouldn't eat too much fat, but I do. I eat everything I want, so my moral is good so my dogs see my a little bit happy!

March 18th

It's cute to live in a chalet with no running water, but after a while, I must say I get that "obsessive need to wash my hands with soap" kind of thing. I can use soap and boiled water, but I dream of that luxury of " faucet water that flows when you turn the knob". People take that for granted. I have lived here on and off for about a year and a half, and I can deal with the no water thing most of the time. And now there is snow, there is water out side to rub my hands in, but the fun of washing hands many many times a day... Truth is I don't care , it's not vital not to have water in my life when my Shadow is dying and Shiva has arthritis, and limps off the front right leg. I am dealing with everything for now. I am hanging in there.

March 21rst

I am not winning because I spend all my will power trying to avoid the worst , living in this scum country. I keep hoping and wishing every single day that my dogs are going to be ok, not be killed by these idiots, hoping that those punks will stay away from us, because of 2 things: because of the fact that they try to mess with us and could hurt me or my dogs, and because of the fact that I could kill or injure one of them really badly if they pushed me. That scares me because if I loose it in front of more than one person, the cops will get my ass! I am so angry and so sad at the same time, I am boiling inside. So, I live on a thread which I try not to fall from because they 're all trying to push me in this f****** country. So I fight, I must give all my energy to make thins ok for us, for me and the dogs. Shadow is still alive, Shiva and me are not doing too bad. with all the negative vibes against us, things could go mush worse. I am making everything ok. I am so focused on at least keeping the way things are the way they are and not worse, that I don't have any will power left for bigger and better things. So where do I go from here? How do I get more energy, will power? Where do I dig for more ? Where do I draw from? Where do I find that kind of magnetic power? I am using all I have, so I have to find more. I can't give up any of the one I need to keep what I have. I must find another way to create more of it or to find a way to produce more. I am getting older, but I realize that it's not exactly the same as physical energy.

March 22nd

I have been living in this cabin without having another apartment to go wash my stuff at, especially the dishes. I use a lot of plastic stuff, but I do have a big bowl for salads and pans to cook with. Well washing with paper towel and water is ok for a while. As long as I am not getting stomach aches I guess I won't worry. Laundry I go to the only public laundry mat in the hookers' neighborhood in Geneva ( seriously). It's great... When I need someone to help me for change because the change machine is broken, none of these bitches wanna help an outsider, especially a Swiss woman. But 2 seconds later if a man, or a foreigner asks for change, all of a sudden they all have it! Most of these prostitutes are foreigners, and I understand that they don't like Swiss. The Swiss ones are richer and no one sees them at the laundry mat. I don't know how it is in other countries but in Switzerhell, all prostitutes are registered. They appear on a whore's pamphlet at the police station. The cops have total control over all of them, except the ones with filthy rich pimps. If and when cops want one, it's free bees! The ladies have to pay taxes too! In the country where rich monsters come to put their money to pay zero tax! Prostitution is not a cause I fight for or against, and I am not against women who do that job on their own will but ladies, please don't hate on women who choose never to do the job, and don't hate on women of the country you go to sell yourself to and spread disease in , even if I do blame the guys who hire prostitutes a lot more.

I don't have sex much in this country. I just saw clinical statistics that say that 15 out of a hundred people have herpes in Switzerhell. Those are the statistics, so considering not everyone goes to the doctor when they have an itch, that's probably about 20 to 25 % of the population that has herpes. Very scary. I don't feel very sexual in Switzerhell ( and the men don't make me wanna), thank god, and therefore haven't had many partners here. Sometimes I see a cute guy, but then I hear him talk and I am turned off immediately. Their non-humorous dull non-interesting conversations does nothing for me, except scare me away.

March 23rd

I need to meet a man who likes and cares for dogs more and better than me. There is this guy who asked me if the reason I didn't like him was that he wasn't into dogs. I don't even have to think about the whole concept. A few men I have come across in my life have asked me : what if I fell in love with a guy who didn't like dogs? I am not sure I even understand the question other than how could I fall in love with a guy who doesn't like dogs? Sure if I was really dumb, so desperate to find someone, and the next cute Joe who likes me a lot, I could fall in love with. But truly, my problem is I tend to like guys who are into dogs or like my last boyfriend, who my dogs like. The fact that a man wouldn't like dogs at all, turns me off like there is no tomorrow. I could imagine a guy like The Rock ( Dwayne Johnson) who I think is very attractive, smart, has a career, and imagining him liking me and then telling me he doesn't like dogs... It still wouldn't work for me. Anyway enough about men because I think people dwell on love too much. Don't get me wrong I do believe in love and when it's real love, then it's awesome, powerful and productive for humanity. But people think they're in love and fall to pieces when the person they're in love with doesn't love them anymore. People have hang-ups about the love they didn't get when they were little, or their human egos are so fat that they can't stand it when their love is gone. I truly have never gotten hurt over a man. I have been silly and sad, but I can quickly get over myself. Of course I could say that and next month I could meet a greater love and then be so into him that I couldn't bear seeing him with another woman. I guess. But I have always felt that love mustn't be a fight. We have to fight enough in this world, against other people, drugs, illnesses, difficult situations, etc. that love should be great or nothing. I love my own company, and my dogs'. I don't know if I love myself, but I love who I am and the choices I make, even if I make mistakes a lot of times. Even if I am at a point in my life where I carry a lot of frustration for not being out of this country and for not being where I should be at this point. But still, I think love has to be within first, and then hopefully will lead us to people who are good for us.

I have been reading the Secret again because instead of saying it doesn't work, I am thinking maybe I didn't get it, understand it. I have got Swiss blood after all, I am slow, very slow sometimes... So I am reading again , and there are only the words of Mr Robert Collier who died in 1950, that make sense to me. The few paragraphs that appear in the Secret, are the very few lines that speak to me right now.

Truth is right now I am in denial. Since Feb 19th, my dog's first attack and then not feeling well at all. The vet I trust the most has said it was poisoning. Shadow had been doing a tad better with vitamin K which acts against the rat poisoning. He is in pain. On and off. I have to see him suffer, knowing these people not only poisoned him, because he didn't have a loving life in this trash-ass country. I have been in denial. I have been keeping busy and positive for him. I can't start thinking about the fact that someone poisoned him. When I do I get very ugly and want to kill people, everyone since I don't know who it was. So I stay in denial. I treat him like a baby, lets him come and go as he pleases. At least I am unemployed and we can stay at the cabin with a yard so I can let him out whenever he wants to. He likes to be outside a lot because the snow eases the pain of his heavy stomach. Some days I say he'll get better. And then some other days I can't help but crying. To see him in so much pain after having lived through so much hatred and dirty looks from these f***ing Swiss people ( and the swear words are not enough to describe them), breaks my heart. I see my dogs as my children. I don't see them as weapons, guard dogs or just "animals". Shadow naturally started to guard the cabin because in apartments he was never allowed to bark, even when all kinds of people would come through, like electricians, postman, people coming to see the apartment, since every time I had an apartment, I had to leave before the end of the contract, so I was the one who had to find a person to take over the lease. So a lot of people have come through our places. But the cabin, I decided to let him bark, not because I wanted to guard, but because I thought he should get the right to bark as much as he wanted, because this was going to be his place. We might live in different places but we'd always have this to come back to, or come to on week-ends. Now we're there full time and it's better than a stupid apartment with idiots all around. When we left that last apartment, I feel like he got better already. He likes being here the best. But now seeing him in such pain.. Even if I am able to put my mind on other things, part of the day. I go to the gym ,go to unemployment meetings, go food shopping and I come back. I don't leave them for more than 3 or 4 hours, which is how it should be when they're getting old. So as long as I am here, watching that Shadow is ok, I take my mind off the situation and write, watch tv, make fires in the stove, read a bit, listen to music, shovel the snow, go on small walks with Shiva and Shadow when Shadow feels up to it and take care of them the best I can. I try not to write about the situation too much because I want to focus on other things, to stay positive. I anyway get upset when I see people walking by , not knowing if it's them or not, who poisoned him, or when I take the car. Shiva is limping a bit, I guess it's arthritis like the vet said, and he is not breathing well. It's like he's got this cold for along time. He snore at night. A bit like me I also have a cold all the time when I am in Switzerhell. I start freaking when I think that Shiva could die soon, like Shadow. If they leave me both at the same time, I will be unwell...

March 25th

I love how in the US, one has to prove to be good at something to be truly respected, liked, and how in Switzerhell, one has to prove to be average or below to be respected and liked... When you take a class of any sort, people will talk to you until they see that you are better, that you have some talent that they don't have. Then they'll stop talking to you and hate your talented butt. I have checked that rule in many sectors and it is always true in Switzerhell. In the US, I also have checked the opposite rule. If you're nice and funny, people might talk to you anyway, but if you have talent, especially in something people are interested in, then they will love you. That's how humanity should be!

On a very serious note, I had the worst night last night. I gave Shadow a bone yesterday evening. He likes to chew on pigs ears and has for the last month or so. I though getting him a real bone would be fun. I saw he was bleeding as he was chewing. He often did a little bit in the past, but then it would stop. Last night it kept bleeding. Of course since he has blood coagulation problems, I should have known, but all I could worry about was that he is bleeding internally already. And he couldn't bleed more, or he would die bleeding to death. I tried to put snow on the gum that was bleeding but it wouldn't stop! I was freaking out. I thought maybe it would stop eventually since my dog didn't seem worried or in pain because of it. I called the emergency vet line and the lady told me not to put snow on it , but put pressure with paper towel. So I did, it still didn't work. So I started sleeping because after I take my cholesterol medicine, I get really sleepy. At 1am, Shiva woke me up. He was walking around with his little claws on the wood. He wanted to wake me up. I then saw quite a lot of blood around Shadow's mouth on his cover. I started freaking again. I decided to start putting so much pressure on the gum that there was no way it would keep bleeding. So I did. I took paper towel and I pressed on the gum, so hard that my hands were getting numb, but Shadow wasn't complaining so I decided to keep pressing until I collapsed. I stayed there putting pressure on the bleeding point for a half hour to 45 minutes. Then I was dead tired. I left the paper towel on the gum, in his mouth because he was half asleep and it would be better than taking it out since it was slightly glued to the gum, with all the pressure... I slept a bit and woke up around 6am and saw no blood! I was excited! It had worked! So then, he was hungry. I gave him some of his dry food. Oh no, when he ate he started bleeding again! I tried to put pressure but as he was well awake he didn't want my paper towel and my hand in his mouth for that long so I had a hard time putting pressure on that bleeding point. At 10:30 am I went to the vet. Before that I had been able to put enough pressure to stop the bleeding so that I wasn't going there with a bleeding mouth on my big dog... He looks scary enough with his cropped ears, and blood on his fur would have looked scary to people. The vet made me feel better though. He said I did good, and putting hard strong pressure was the best way. Other than that, he said it was not a big deal, Shadow just hurt his gum. I was just wrecked the first night when I saw blood coming out and coming out, knowing that he is sick already, and I couldn't bear having him die because he chew on a bone that I gave him! I cried and I cried. Well, today he is ok, not bleeding, but I am more and more careful and treating him like a little baby!

March 26th

I live in a dead end where the city worker idiots are supposed to shove the snow on the roads everywhere in the village including the road that goes near my chalet, but they don't until once in the afternoon, because they know it's just me who parks here on week days. During week-ends or holidays, they know that the people who own the 3 chalets next to mine, are going to be there, so they do the roads in the morning for them. A woman alone, who nevertheless has to drive to work, or to other places ( they're not supposed to know that I am unemployed, and even if they do try to find out what every does all the time, they should still do their job, and run their snow machines through every village road, like they're supposed to). The other day, there was a whole lot of snow, and when they came with their snow machines, they pushed all the snow onto my car. They obviously did it on purpose. I had to shovel the snow out myself. Sure it gave me a work out, but I was upset and went to the "commune" ( town-hall) to ask them if that was a joke. They told me that I should be happy that they shove the snow on that small road where most people only come on week-ends. That was a woman telling me this. I told her that I was happy but usually they didn't shove all the snow of the road onto my car like that morning. She said that the workers do what they can.

March 27th

This morning, I open my shutters and see step marks in the snow all around my fence. Usually I'll see a line of step marks, of someone who passed by, near my place, to look while he ( it's most likely a "he" who mess with me in that sense), and to show me that he can. But this morning, it was exaggerated! A ton of the same foot steps was all around. I guess I should be happy that he didn't jump the fence! It must have happened late last night or during the night, since I closed the shutters around 9pm.

March 31st

Sometimes I think by being older, almost 40, I would get a tiny bit more respect in this country. People wouldn't try to ALWAYS mess with my life, screw me with everything, including financially. But today again, I was on the phone with the female owner ( she is married for her to feel that confident, her husband is also the owner) of the rental agency of my last studio apartment in the ugly village, who are trying not to give me my deposit back. I rented a trashy studio, I mean trashy by the kind of people living in the building but also by the age of the building and the precariousness of it, the dirtiness and the stuff that needed to be fixed when I moved in. There is a hotel school in that ugly town, and most apartments are very expensive and usually clean. I entered that studio and it wasn't cleaned, it needed plugs for electricity, the bathroom and kitchen tiles were cracked, some broken, and the place was awfully dirty, according to any country's standard. The agency asked me if it was ok. I asked if there were joking. They then asked the woman who was leaving the apartment if she could clean and fix the things that had to be fixed. That was because I yelled and screamed, otherwise nothing would have been done. I didn't know how they let that woman leave the apartment in this state. Now I do: it's because that agency likes to keep the security deposits. Had I been a man, do you think they would have dared giving that studio in the state it was? Not unless it was a poor foreign male. I told them that if they fixed one or two important things, I would move in and clean myself, but that I was not going to leave it cleaner than this when I leave. So I lived in that crap hole for 4 months, found another person to take over the studio when I left, as it is required by Swiss law if you want to leave an apartment earlier than the end date on the contract. I left the place super clean. It was another lady from the agency who came to check when I left, and to her, it was just ok. I told her that I moved in an awfully dirty apartment and she didn't believe me, or was told to act as if she didn't believe me. The scams that these Swiss people try to pull on relatively poor people, it's amazing. That agency advertises luxury apartments in the area. I can assure you that the kind of people who rent those apartments are not treated like I was. I guess all around the world, poor people are treated poorly, but remember the reputation that Switzerland claims to have! So anyway, two months later, I am still waiting for my deposit of 1635 francs. It is a lot of money for me, being unemployed and getting only 2100 per month from unemployment. Living on that kind of money in Switzerhell is not easy. Anyway, on the phone today, when I called the agency, not only do they try to keep my deposit, but they are asking me for another 300 francs for heat, when heat was supposedly included in my rent, according to my contract. They know I can't afford a lawyer like they have. She was talking like I could get upset about my deposit all I wanted, she didn't care. She said I was going to pay her the 300 for heat as well. It brought me into a rage that had I not been 65 kilometers away, I would have gone and strangled the whore, or her husband for that matter. I really strongly feel like executing these people. I am at the point where I can't take any crap from these Swiss morons anymore, I am at the end of the rope. I truly want them dead. I now understand when a bum on the street kills another person for a dollar, like I know happened a couple of times. When you have nothing and people keep messing with you, again and again, and again! I know one is supposed to be "above that" or better than that or strong enough to keep fighting the right way, be smart about things, bla bla bla. Well I didn't go and kill her but the desire and the urge was there and I understand people who kill for what other stable and rich people think of "nothing". I am very frustrated to be stuck in this country. I do want to stay because of my dogs and their old age, and if I leave again it will be for good. I don't want to have to come back, ever.

April 2nd 2009

I have a theme song : 50 Cent's: "I" . It goes a little bit like this: " I, don't know what you take me for, I, really don't play that s***". These Swiss people keep f***ing with me every day for small or bigger things, and think I can't do anything to them because I am a woman, alone, or so they think. Truth is even alone, I could f*** them up like in the movies they watch and think that it only happens in other countries because they have no clue about what goes on in their country. They think Switzerland is f***en sacred and safe! Idiot morons! Truth is they look for s***all the time, when they drive they want to prove how fast they are and get in front of a woman driver or if the woman makes a mistake while driving they do something to her or call the cops, at the supermarket, at the movie's, or anywhere people have to stand in line for something, they try to go past a woman when she stands in line, and then if something happens, they scream: "why so much violence?" It's this constant evrery day hell of people, men mostly but women too, who try to run over you in some way, or on the other hand punish you for a small mistake you do. It's really heavy to stand these people. I never dealt nor did drugs ( I never even smoked a joint when I hung around people that did), I never killed anyone, stole any money. I guess I am Swiss because the way I want to make these people pay for all the crap they do, to me and other women! I am full of rage and hatred now just like them. I haven't so far, done a thing to them, and the frustration that I am suffering from is eating me inside. I think I am stuck in this vicious circle: they hate me, I hate them more. They feel I try to stay away from them and it makes them want to bug me even more, which makes me hate them more... My dog is very ill and I need to break through but my sadness about his state right now doesn't allow me to do anything good, other than be there for him. I am so stuck in a hell place. I am giving my boys all the love I have in me when we are inside, together, like the family that we are.

April 6th

April 5th at 3 AM, my dog Shadow died. I can't even start to describe what I am feeling. I cried all day yesterday and today it's on and off. I feel empty. I know I still have Shiva but I feel something that I never thought I'd feel. Shadow was sick, he had been for a month, and the vet has said that he would die soon. I was preparing myself, but now I know that such a thing doesn't exist. You can't prepare yourself for the death of a loved one. I lost my father when I was 8, the age at which Shadow died. I didn't really understand what was happening to me back then. I cried a lot when I saw his dead body in the coffin, but the pain was unconscious mostly. I didn't know what was really happening to me. I suffered a lack of a father, my father that I had known. Nowadays I couldn't tell you about his personality much. I don't know if it was because we didn't interact that much, or because being Swiss, people don't really communicate on a real or deep level that relationships are so dull. I don't know if I blocked all the memories, to protect myself. I did suffer from my father's death, I probably still do, and will do forever, but my Shadow was my second son, Shiva being my first. Those 2 dogs are also the first beings that I have really developed love for. I feel like my heart is broken for the first time. No man has ever broken my heart. Men have hurt my little feelings but no broken heart. Now I feel that. I thought I was prepared for his death and I was sure I would take it badly but since I know that he had lived 8 good years, I was ok with him passing, since he was in pain and not living like before. For a month he was not walking much, eating less, breathing hard a lot of the times and not looking in great shape. But I had moments where I would still hope that he could get better. But it hit me like a rock. On Saturday afternoon, he didn't want to go outside for the walk. I thought ok he's not feeling well, it happened before. I went alone with Shiva just like usual, when I felt Shadow needed to rest. Then at night he still didn't want to go outside at all. He had drunk and eaten a bit and hadn't gone out since 10 am, so I was trying to push him a bit. I shouldn't have. I yelled a little trying to make him get up, late at night. I managed to get him outside. He stood there, didn't want to pee, or anything. I didn't get why he wouldn't at least pee. But he looked the same, not more in pain than usual, so I was just upset that he wouldn't pee at least, much less poop. So I went to sleep. At 1 AM, he woke me up with his growling breathing like he was in pain. I saw poop on the floor. I got upset because I have a thing with urine and crap inside. I have always gotten very upset when my dogs did that inside as puppies. I helped him walk and carried him outside. He lied down. Instead of sitting with him, hugging him, I put him near the door, thinking he was going to pee since he pooped already, and I could clean it up easily. But I really thought it was another painful moment and that he would get better the next day, just like the other times when he had pain. I sat there by his face on the carpet with the door open. I watched him get worse. I gave him one more cortisone pill. He looked at me like I shouldn't be shoving anything down his throat!! He was still drinking water though so I thought he was ok, he could still get better. F***ing people had made a comment that evening when I took Shadow outside, and one of them said: " There is not one dog but two over here!" In a nasty tone, and the woman said, even with a nastier tone: " oh and one of THOSE dogs!" It hurt me and I am sure Shadow felt me and the hatred from that whore, which couldn't help his painful state. He still had to listen to these dam Swiss s***heads insulting him on his last night!!!! So I was sitting by my Shadow's head, on the floor, and he was suffering. He didn't want me to pet him really. The pain got worse, and then at 3AM, he went away. His whole body let go. I was whispering to him to fight, but he all of a sudden let go..... I couldn't believe it. I felt his heart and yes he was gone, gone forever. I started really crying. I wanted to scream to the heavens but I didn't want these stupid people who were staying near by to know that the dog they called one of THOSE dogs had died. Having my Shadow gone when these f***ing haters are still living and breathing hurts. Plus I lost my son, my partner, my friend. I am devastated. I love that dog. I had loved him more and more year after year. I kept him dead inside until the next day. This morning I brought him for an autopsy. They told me they can't do a toxicology test to see if he was poisoned unless I filed a complaint at the police! His body was cold and smelly. I wrapped him up.

I realize that my dogs were my home. We moved around. We have never really had a home, a nice place I knew I could stay in for a long time. Dogs like stability, but as long as I was there, spending enough time with them, I know they were ok. I never realized that they also were my home. Now I am trying to be strong for Shiva and cherish him. I am actually afraid I am going to cherish him too much. It is not healthy for the dog to focus on her or him all the time and not have a life. I am unemployed so it's good that I can be there but spoiling him, while being in pain, is unhealthy. But for a bit I need to grieve. He is also not well. I wish that he would, like some animals realize that now he is number one and that he doesn't have to share, to have him feel something positive. He can take his pack leader spot that he had when I only had him before Shadow was born. The thing is dogs enjoy company, and they get used to company. I miss Shadow so much. I feel like there is a big emptiness in our lives and I am sure Shiva feels that emptiness too.

I have been feeling Shadow's soul. I don't know if it's my mind creating the feeling or if it's true. I must say though I feel like it was my first time dealing with death of a loved one and I had to wonder, looking at his inert body lying there. I can understand that the body gets old and doesn't function anymore, but where does his mind go? Does it extinguish with the body? Is it dead inside his skull? or does the mind stay, without the need for this old non-functioning body? It's the first time I ask myself that question, really. I am really facing this question in more truth than ever. I always thought I never felt anything from my father, I never felt a message from him, and that if he had been around me, he would have given me a sign, but now with this being that I loved so much, I just wondered. His mind that was making him make choices, be happy , upset or bored, his mind that would decide to listen to me on time or not...His mind which would make his tail move every time I came back home. Is life so dull and ugly as to have the mind just vanish with the physical body? The mind is really something we can't touch so it's possible that it vanishes when it doesn't have a body to work in. But I still feel his presence sometimes. My stupid mind even thinks he went away, so me and Shiva could be free to take the plane easier, and not have to take crap from people as much. With Shadow , had I won the Euromillions, I would have taken a private jet, because first of all with that kind of money, I could afford it and also, with him getting old, I would have never put him back in cargo. Here I am thinking about winning again! I have played all my dogs' lives. I should have won when Shadow was young, so that I could have bought them a real home with land and other dogs to play with, gotten them a mommy ( me ) that was really happy, in the country of her choice, with better people around. But I didn't win. I have wished and hoped for it all Shadow's life and now he is dead!!! I didn't get to give him all I was picturing for us! I know the game and the statistics... Not a good way to make money. The thing was I always valued the present and knew that I had to spend as much time with my dogs as possible, so I rarely worked full time, didn't want to take on a great job where I'd have to work too many hours and be away from them. I anyway would have needed several years working full time to make enough money to buy a small house in the US or another country... Unless you're a millionaire, life is tough. Money buys almost everything. It doesn't bring life back. But had I been able to give Shadow a year or two at least of the life I had pictured for us, I would have been more at peace. He suffered most of his life ( except the one year in NYC) from people's nasty energy and comments towards him. Dogs feel everything.

Shadow was my strength. He gave me strength. I don't even know how to describe it. It was a mixture of how big he was, how protective he was ( he didn’t show it too much luckily), how hard headed he was sometimes, how sweet he could be at the same time, how present he was, how beautiful he was, and how he showed me that I was and would always be his one and only leader. He gave me strength and I didn't even know it. Yes our life was tough, outside with the people's crap and the fact that we lived in small places because not enough money, but at the end of the day, when I closed the door and we were together, the three of us, we were happy! "The three of us" worked for me, and I think for them too, even if they had prefered having a female dog to play with. Shadow liked cats. He would have wanted a cat. When we briefly lived with someone who had a cat, he would give the cat a lot of attention, and was nice to the cat, would back off when the cat would hiss. But for me, my two very different dogs worked for me. I was happy in our world. Whatever battles I had to go through outside, I was happy to come back inside, to my boys. We even had real quality time on our morning walks together. I would carry Shiva half of the way. Then Shiva and Shadow would walk side by side in the forest, country side. It was organic. We had to avoid people to have our organic, peaceful time, but depending on where we were, it was ok. I was happy. That was also the reason why as much as I wanted to kill people, I never did it. Now that I only have Shiva, I know that we can get on a plane any minute, if we need to run away. Well yes with very little money, that might be the only problem. Someone once told me that I was not supposed to win the lotto because I would use it to do evil. Well I always thought that was wrong because I would use it to go live happily in North America, or somewhere else, outside Europe! But now that it's Shiva and me, people better not f*** with us! I would so love to win this Friday. But why would I win now? now that I am in pain? Why? I have a silly thought: maybe Shadow's soul is around me and maybe he has more power as a soul than as a dog, and he could help me win, help me and Shiva win...??? I know , silly, but it still comes to my mind here and there. If reincarnation exists, and I am not convinced since I have no proof or strong belief about it, then souls can be people or animals, which means that Shadow could have been human, or could have a soul that could become human. I could have a child one day... I sometimes thought that Shadow was a reincarnation of my grand-mother Madeleine, but how much of it do I really believe? not much. I don't know. My grand-mother Madeleine was the only member of my family that I thought I resembled, that could have had the same blood as me. I don't know. I sometimes thought Shiva was a reincarnation of my father. But the two couldn't have been because Shadow was not mothering Shiva at all ( and if Shadow was the reincarnation of my grand-mother and Shiva of my father, then Shadow should have felt like Shiav's mother..). He did do his job protecting him though, just like I asked him to. Shiva wasn't attacked during the 8 years that Shadow was with us. Shiva was attacked by Swiss dogs 5 times before. Now that I have become a pitbull myself, it won't happen again. Actually dogs are better at protecting each other than a human is at protecting a dog, they feel before it happens that the other dog is going to attack. Shadow would often growl at some dogs who would get near Shiva, and sometimes not. He knew when it was needed and when it was ok. He was a great dog. He was my perfect soldier but I also had learn to listen to and understand him. In comparison to Swiss dogs he was super obedient! I miss him a lot for everything he was and for his presence in my life. I have to say: Thank you Shadow for having been with me for 8 years! Presence of loved ones ( whether human or animal) is the most important thing in life ( it is love ). I always thought that. Whether it's another human being, a husband or wife, a parent, friend or animal, you have got to choose the right one. Shadow was the right one, and Shiva is the right one. I don't rush into relationships with men because it's tough for me to find the right one. My dogs that I have chosen have been the presence I needed. Now I am just lacking one of them. It's tougher than I thought it would be. I know dogs don't live long. That's why time is more precious for them, and why I didn't want to work full time and have only nights with them. They have 8 to 15 years to live. My Shadow died early because of the nastiness of the Swiss. A day is more valuable for them than for humans. Well humans can die early too. So life should be cherished. Tell that to the stupid pessimistic Swiss, or Europeans even!

I am still mourning. I am afraid hatred will rush back as soon as I am done. I have to be strong for Shiva, because he deserves a life full of great things. We have been through so much together. Right now I have to see him as eternal.

Shadow was also my strength because I never got sick in 8 years. Since I got Shiva I didn't get sick much but before Shadow there were a few times I had the flue or a bad cold. With Shadow, I once had to be rushed to the hospital for half a day. I was teaching French at a big bank in Geneva. The school I was working for was sending me to different companies to teach French and English. I was teaching these 2 Chinese people in an office at the bank. I got my period that morning and I didn't have any pain killers. Sometimes I have tolerable pain and sometimes the pain is crucial. So I was in pain and as I was teaching the pain was getting worse and worse. I asked the woman ( my students were a Chinese guy and a woman), and asked her ( in English because their French wasn't good enough for important conversations) if she had any pain killers. She said no and I started fainting a bit. They both sat me down on a couch in the hall and got me some water. They were so nice, didn't call for help right away, knowing that these Swiss people didn't help much. Then I looked really white and they were so worried. I called my French boyfriend at the time who I knew wasn't working and asked him to come to drive me to the hospital. He did. People from the bank saw me walk around and they were more worried about what people would say or think if they saw me than helping me or seeing that I was all right, especially when I said it was probably pain from my period. Men here think women are babies and make a big deal out of nothing. And they don't care! I really started walking like I was really ill so they got me wheel chair because they thought that would look better. As the matter of fact, my boyfriend asked to take the chair to the car, he had parked 2 streets down, and they said no way. They wanted us out and lending their chair was too much to ask for! So I went to the hospital and all I could think about was my dogs and the fact that they soon would need to go outside and pee. The hospital got me better, gave me strong pain killers and asked why I wasn't on the pill. In Europe doctors say the pill is good for everything. I read in North America, that women have been thinking the pill was good for their health for years but in reality, it's not. And I never felt good when I was on the pill. And I don't see why women have to take drugs that could hurt their health when men could take it too. Even if women are the ones to carry the child, I think men always assuming the women should take the pill because it's "their" job, is another sexist thing. Anyway, I got back to the dogs at the end of the afternoon and I was fine. Other than that, I have kept myself away from any disease, colds and flue because there was no way I was living in a studio and not giving my Shadow his 2 hour walk in the morning and his 2 other walks during the day. Of course Shiva was there too. It was a bit much for Shiva sometimes, even with carrying him a bit in the morning. Shiva was an athlete, with Shadow and me who were just staying in shape. His little legs were going and going. He was great. When Shadow got sick, Shiva was fine with the tiny walks. Now that Shadow's gone I am going to try to make the walks a bit longer. Right now I feel like I have to keep writing and writing so I don't cry again. Since I was with my dogs a lot, there were a big part of my life, Shiva still is. Shadow not being there, I miss him every hour since I would interact with him a lot when I was here unemployed, writing, watching TV, reading or doing something else. I was always checking on him if he was outside, or petting him a bit if he was inside. I miss him and I feel like his presence is filling up the space. I give Shiva plenty of attention now and I think Shadow would want me to do that, even if when he was there, Shiva was not his favorite buddy all the time. Shiva was into him more than he was into Shiva. Shadow was grateful to have the presence of Shiva though, I know. He liked Shiva licking his eyes or his ears.

April 7th

Today I feel like I got a vibe from Shadow telling me to write. I don't really have much to write because I feel sad, like life is not cool. I miss my big boy. I always thought that Shiva and me had a deep spiritual connection. He is my first boy and my first love and I didn't really train him so I don't always understand him and vice versa I guess, but even though, I feel a deep connection with that little dog. I knew Shadow and me understood each other because I trained him for many things so there was more of a "human" connection between us. He had a strong personality and so do I, and we did come into disagreement here and there. He was maybe too strong of a soul that I felt I had to take control all the time. I think he scared people even more because not only was he a big dog, scary looking ( according to people) with his cropped ears, but he had a presence, a strong one. Sometimes little dogs have these big souls or I don't know how to describe it. They are little but they have big presence. Shadow should have lived in a castle with many dogs and horses ( he was great with horses and cows), I think he had the soul of a king and I didn't realize it. You live every day life and try to make it work and you rarely take the time to look at things how they are. I was dreaming of a better life all the time. I was also trying to find jobs where I could either work less or have the dogs near by. I always felt better when the dogs were fine. I hated leaving them alone in places I didn't really like, like some studios I rented or even here in the cabin. Every time I left them, I felt a pinch. Somehow when I take them in the car, I know I'll be back sooner and I feel a tad better. Like now there is no way I am leaving Shiva in the cabin by himself. I am taking him in the car. Plus he is little so he can move around the car better than Shadow could. My dogs were always happy when I asked them to come with me, in the car. They didn't care where we were going, just going with me. Shadow wouldn't have minded a big house and land to hang around though. He loved to hang outside, just looking around. I didn't give him the best life but my friends always told me that I was giving them too much attention, that I should live a little. When I was in NYC, I was working for a family on East 72nd in Manhattan and living in Harlem. When I would come home from work, I would run from the bus to the apartment to see my dogs. People were probably thinking I was afraid of something. Well in NYC, people don't let you know what they feel on the street unless it's positive. Unlike in Switzerhell where they will never give you a compliment on the street , make a joke or say something positive. They are really discreet and private about all the positive stuff(...). All that comes out of their mouth is negative comments and insults, to women preferably. I got so many compliments about me and my dogs in NYC. Don't get me wrong, some people also showed their fear for Shadow in NYC, but very few times did they show hatred. I unfortunately was so worked up form Switzerhell ( where people who fear automatically hate) that I didn't take the fear expressions very well and that's too bad because it ruined a bit of the great time that we had in NYC. Time with my dogs was and still is time well spent, for me. I was happy with them. In Switzerhell that's another thing that makes people mess with me even more. They feel you happy, they need to mess with you. They hate when you have more than them, especially when you're a woman alone. How can you be happier than them? It cramps their style! So they mess with you with a lot of little things. I can't even write about all the little stuff they do because it hurts to think about all their little stupidities. Like I said I am still alive, they have never succeeded killing me. They just do stuff they won't get caught for, to mess with my life. And I know that being happy, alone with my dogs, bugged them that they had to f*** around even more! And now they took my dog's life. To them it is a small thing, it was just a dog. They don't realize what they did to me. And the fact that I don't know who it was makes it worse because I think it's all of them. Now that I am devastated, I haven't even seen a person walk by or a car park near the chalet, to come and stare or sit in the grass near by to look what I am doing. Nothing. They have obviously seen that Shadow is gone... Not only must they rejoice over the fact that a dog of a breed they hate is dead, but also my pain and sadness is enough for them to feel satisfied that our happy trio is broken and my heart is broken. I don't know that they know how sad I am really but they know I am not happy, and they can feel it. How can I not hate these people?

I had created my little world with these 2 dogs of very different breeds who were not even playing together since Shiva was not fixed and Shadow was. And as a puppy I had forbid Shadow to play with Shiva as he thought it was a stuffed toy in the beginning. Later Shiva started his humping business on Shadow. I knew that Shadow never said anything when I was there to please me but when they were alone, I don't think Shadow let Shiva do it. In NYC, people would take pictures of Shiva humping Shadow. Obviously it was funny, so Shadow also liked that attention. He knew when Shiva would hump, people would stop and smile or laugh. In Switzerhell they would only give a nasty look and mumble something to themselves that I could sometimes understand and sometimes not. To them whatever is not normal is not normal! Whatever is weird is bad, never funny. What a disgusting society really, I can't tell you how painful it is to live here. All I had was my happy little world when the doors were closed or in the forest far away from all pedestrian paths. Now all that is history. At least I was with him when he died. I didn't want to come back to a dead dog one day. Even if when he was dying and in deep pain he didn't look at me anymore, he wanted to look away from me. I don't know if it was because he was mad at me or if it was because he was in too much pain that he turned into himself. Nothing is perfect, or it rarely is. And I can't help but realize that nothing is like I expected. In the will power, creative force methods, they tell you to expect, to visualize, and things will come true exactly like you wanted them. For me it somehow never works. Why? When I lived in the US, a few things I remember happened the exact way I wanted them to. Has Switzerhell messed me up so bad that I can't even find my own will power ? I know I carry a lot of hatred for these people because they showed and expressed a lot of hatred towards me and my Shadow. Now that he is gone, I feel that same hatred but with less fear. When Shadow was there I was always careful not to hurt anyone, to be taken away from my dogs and put in jail. But now I know that I could get on a plane the next hour. With very little money but still get on a plane... Well right now I am still so sad that I am more focused on my sadness than anything, and trying to take good care of Shiva. But still, I was at the gym yesterday, and seeing these old men walking by me 3 cm away just to show me they can and that I should greet them and smile like a normal Swiss woman. Feeling like the only one I'd like to se that close to me is my Shadow, I felt like puking on these men! I didn't even want to take the time to kill them, I just wanted to be away from them so I worked out fast, and left quickly.

I miss my Shadow and seeing his pictures make me feel good and create a lot of pain at the same time. It's a weird mixed feeling. I tell you, this is the first time I feel I am loosing a loved one. My father's death was mass confusion but it wasn't like this. I keep trying to reason and think that dogs don't live that long. He lived 8 good years, with only 5 days away from me, when I left them at the shelter when I had to go to NYC for 5 days. Other than that, I didn't spend a night without them. Well, or a day, when I was working night shift...I was always coming home to my dogs. I still am. Shiva is very important to me. I won't take him for granted even if without trying, we always take our loved ones for granted here and there.

Life is ridiculous. We live and die. There is joy and there has to be sadness coming right after, or a bit later...Why? Purpose of life? Is it an experiment of the gods? Are the gods sitting on a far away planet and looking in on earth every 20 years to see how things are evolving? We get attached to other beings and then we loose them. Getting attached is love. Love may be the most beautiful thing on this planet, so why does it always end? Reincarnation would be the way to make some sense. Does anyone have proof that reincarnation exists? Does one truly remember something from their past life to prove it exists? The few that I have heard having dreams or visions about their past lives were nut heads. I don't know maybe I am not connected to the right people, but then why don't more people have ideas, visions, memories about their past lives? It's a nice theory and its makes a lot of sense to me, but the emptiness I am feeling right now from the death of one of my 2 loved ones is feeling like life is ridiculous. I am supposed to move on to live this stupid life trapped in Switzerhell, when what I would like to do is open dog and cat shelters, or at least one big one, to be doing something productive and dear to my heart. But I don't have the means to do that, so what is this life? We can't have what we want so we are supposed to go for second, third, fourth best? Or the closest thing? I didn't even know I could love a dog that much. Or my pessimistic Swiss side would ask: Is it my mental self that misses the dog or it is just me being pathetic about not being able to handle change that is not desired? I don't know. Either way, I feel this emptiness, and I am missing my dog. I guess I could say I am heart broken and nobody cares. Well I care. I happen to be the center of my world and I like truth which doesn't exist much on earth, I like loved ones, who apparently die one day. Life is cruel but we are supposed to live it, want to live it otherwise we die because will power works really well in the negative. Whenever we get pessimistic, don't put love and passion in something, it dies. Lots of people let themselves die and at the last minute, they change their minds because they're afraid of death. It's the survival instinct of all species. The gods put that in us so we wouldn't realize how pathetic and ridiculous life really is on earth and destroy the planet.

Gods also gave us all those dangerous pleasures to distract us and make us want to stay. Pleasures like sex, food, drugs, etc. I can't figure out the truth. So many people on earth think they know but they all have different theories, so why should I learn from them, and which ones? Pick and choose! No thanks. Wondering will remain my first theory. "Control your feelings and thoughts and create your life!" Are you joking? Does that really work for someone? Or do they make-believe that what happens is what they wanted to create? I once heard: "Create your life or take the boring road that life will create for you". That sounds good! Well how do I create? The how is never explained really well in those books. Think positive, want, make a wish and believe in it, etc, etc. Oh but wait, you can't have any contradictory thoughts coming to mind! Ya, thinking that, I already have contradictory thoughts. So I must be stupid. I don't understand the power that is mine... Well make me understand! No all they can say is believe, have faith. If that's really how it works, it must be that some people are able to believe and some aren't, because I know SO many people who thought they believed in their dreams and they never came true! So what, is it a sign of stupidity or are you going to say that "you just have to believe!" There is no technique that teaches one to believe. Now someone must come up with that, instead of writing millions of books that keep saying we have to believe, to get what we want! I am at a loss for truth and it hurts.

April 8th

Today I am trying to deal. I first went for one of the long 2 hour walks that we used to do with Shadow. I carried Shiva in the backpack for most of the way. He walked for a half hour, which was good for him since he hadn't done that in a while. Walking there, I could picture my big boy walking, having a hard time in the snow, just like me. We were a good team, him and me. After the walk, I went to the gym. I was working out minding my own business as usual, and today not an old f*** but a not so young female, in her hot tights and her best shape ever was walking around me for me to notice her. Usually everyone stares at her I presume and she loves it, so why didn't I stare? It bugs people like her in Switzerhell when I don't do things like them. She is thin and muscular and knows that around her, in the little town, most women want to be her or just like her. I am so not into that and don't care about hot females unless they're funny ( none in Switzerhell...). But now , I am not really in the best mental status, with still all my hatred towards the Swiss which is increasing even more now that my boy is gone. Seeing these idiots live their meaningless lives forever while my precious gentle soul with a gorgeous shape ( my dog WAS a gorgeous boy) has passed. Plus the fact that they can only rejoice at the sight of one of THOSE dogs being dead. It makes me furious. I am still very sad so my anger is still sleeping really, but please, don't anyone mess with me these days! So she was wriggling her thing all around the gym, talking to all the men and wondering why I wasn't looking at her like everybody else. She was staring at me every time she walked by me so that I would look. She was seriously starting to bug me. There is so much s*** with these Swiss people, I can't let it get to me, but it does. It does only because I am stuck here. I am poor and have no money to leave the country. And it gets to me. I try not to get upset so I avoid people, I get away, I go somewhere else. I am so not antisocial when I am in the US. I am a different person here. I am a different person now that my dog is gone. I don't know about the future. I know I am going to take care of my Shiva. I am giving myself a week and then I'll look for a little dog, just for Shiva.

Then I went to the supermarket. as I get my vegetables, this employee pushes me and my basket. Do you think he would apologize? No, they never do. You're the client, spending the money and you're the one who has to say hello first in all businesses. You have to say excuse me if you bump into an employee and vice versa because they sure won't. They will not make any effort. It has been like that for generations and that's why people still go to the same places even if they're treated badly as customers.

Just to show you how abnormal these Swiss people are: I watched the Swiss news last night. The 7.30 Pm prime time Swiss news program talked about the earthquake in Italy and they said, I quote: "People were crying as they saw their dog coming out of their crumbled house. This shows you how psychologically unstable and disturbed the Italians are right now". I frankly couldn't even believe I was hearing that. People crying at the sight of their dog coming out of their destroyed home? Is that not something to cry about? Cry of joy and sadness at the same time, but is it me who is crazy here, or is it not a beautiful thing to see your dog is ok and is able to come out of the mass of debris that once was your house, which is also something to cry about! Crying out of joy and sadness is not a sign of mentally disturbed state! The Swiss who are themselves mentally disturbed talk about people loving their dogs as "psychologically unstable". I couldn't believe my ears. I am appalled at the sight of that Swiss news guy.

April 9th

I was under attack by these Swiss people every day, for trying to live... as a single maybe unconventional woman with a dog of a small un-intimidating breed and then, with another dog of a hated breed. I had to face their cruel acts because I didn't live the way the Swiss wanted me to live. Yet I managed to keep us safe and happy to be together. Now I feel under attack by life itself. My big beautiful dog was taken away. He was in pain, we managed. The vitamin K was supposed to make him better for a long while maybe a year even. Show me beauty and take it away. Get used to life right! I somehow must be from another planet because I can't get used to non-eternal when it's really precious. "Oh you're just upset over the death of your dog, you'll get over it!" Isn't that what all these earth worms are saying? "Rationalize! You still have a beautiful small dog, enjoy!" Everybody thinks like that, not just the idiot Swiss. Why do we have this human mentality, within which there are many cultures with more or less logical thinking, that tells us how to think according to this reality we are in? Is this reality real anyway?

Against the Swiss, I know there are other smarter cultures out there and I know where they are. So aside from wanting to get revenge on the Swiss, I will one day leave the country. But feeling under attack from life, I feel helpless and all I can do is surrender. Animals and humans die all the time, but my brain wonders and wanders... I am unwell and my body is drained of tears. My nerves are tired. Ok, so I move on because time keeps going and going and I can't stop it to ask a question. I am making a big deal out of nothing. There again who gets to say what is a big deal? Psychologists will straighten your mind. No thanks. Brainwashing from here, brainwashing from there, I want to keep my 2% free thinking. Trust me very few people get more percentage!

The New World seem to have been a happier world until the Europeans came to take over. The native Americans, according to well known historians, were good peaceful people. The Europeans killed so many of them for several reasons, one being that these people were happy and loving without many rules and regulations. Happiness is a threat to idiots , and when the idiots have weapons, the idiots win. It sort of reminds me of the Swiss of today. They need to use their weapons against the weak , who are somewhat happy, in the country. They don't go against the ones who are done, desperate already, handicapped or ill. It just bugs them when they see happy without weapons, so they go after it. I guess children do that. So it must be a primitive behavior out of which one is supposed to grow... An American, fan of the Swiss once told me: " all the Swiss' idiot behavior are really childish". Well yes and that is supposed to be a good excuse for a society that bullies ? They don't know better, they haven't evolved. Let's cut them some slack! When you're a grown victim of their crap, cutting slack is not the thing I tend to want to do. Is it also because they're childish and primitive that the world tolerates the earth's dirty money to be stashed in Swiss banks? And yes, changes have been made these last days to change all that...Bull! They did the least of all least, not to be on that black or grey list of the world's tax havens, but they even say it themselves on the news that nothing has really changed! morons! I don't really care who rules the world because people like me will never know who is running what, and we all know that money is power, period. But let the world start looking at this country with some reality before they take their children on vacation or worse, send them to Switzerland to school, and trust that all will be dandy! Switzerland is a lie, a big one. All the positive stuff you hear is false, every little bit. Some say that the food is more natural, that there isn't so much extra dangerous stuff in the food. Well maybe 40 years ago I would have agreed because the Swiss were so scared of all the new food products that were developing in other countries, they were the last ones to import it. Now they import and they do the same inside the country. It just took a little longer for a large variety of foods to be found in the supermarkets. When I was growing up, there was one kind of milk, one kind of butter, one kind of cereal, one kind of rice, etc. And the Swiss didn't know what to put in the food to make it last longer, so yes it was better. Nowadays, imports are from all over the world and health regulations and not better than any other rich country, in which making money is a golden rule.

April 10th

I am really not dealing with my dog gone very well. Here and there I think I am feeling better, and then I plunge again. And then I think... What is better? Getting better and forgetting, or feeling the pain? Forgetting is what we do when we get better. The correct way to say it is: we move on we don't forget. BS! We forget. We get used to the lack of an individual. We remember with a smile instead of tears. And that is great because crying all your life over someone we lost can't be healthy. And what we need to survive is to be healthy! What a great planet! I am sorry, I feel that crying and longing for a loved one for years should be healthy. It should be like eating salad. The pain is really organic so why do we have to shove it to the side in order to stay healthy? It is really survival of the fittest! Don't care too much, be strong, move on! We must be an experiment by some other planet's intelligence, that is the only rational way I can explain this life. I don't want to stop crying because that 's the only thing I feel is real. Why should I accept the things that come at me? because I can't do anything about it. So what? Why are we so nicely tamed? I feel wilder than that. Not only these stupid Swiss are putting too many restrictions on how to do things in life, but these people are a vermine breed of humans, the ones who should have never have been born, but life has too many restrictions as well. There has to be other life on other planets, more intelligent, more powerful, more free. I bet they put a few cells on earth to experiment evolution, behavior as these human beings who think they are the most powerful things around. " Our unconscious is full of greatness"...Right! Some people are more talented than others in some field, yes. Of course we can't be all alike. Their experiment wouldn't be fun.

I am so close to my dogs because I have lived mostly in Switzerhell and here most humans ae not worthy of company, of conversation. Ever since I have had my dogs, I have always wanted to rush to them after I did what I had to do, because their company is more valuable and more real than any of those idiots'. I must say though, when I was in NYC, I remember doing some activities where I would briefly forget about my dogs. Basically I enjoyed some people's company and had some fun. I remember going out at night to clubs and truly having fun. The only place I would go out at night in Europe was in Paris. I remember not having fun, and going out just to see other things and people, like you watch a movie to change your train of thoughts. I was clearly born on the wrong continent. I failed to stay on the right one when I was there. I made a lot of mistakes in my life, like most people, and have done the right thing here and there as well. Last time I came back to Europe was for Shadow mostly. Having no money, life in NYC would have been worse and worse. In Switzerhell, I gave him long walks in the forest just the three of us. These last two years he had the garden around the chalet. This chalet-cabin thing where we lived, made a whole lot of sense for Shadow. He loved hanging around outside, barking at people, lying in the sun. Of course he would have preferred more company, from other dogs and people he liked. But it was for him, his place. Now Shiva and me don't know what we're doing here , and we will leave as soon as I get a job. I'll find a studio again. I'll get Shiva a little girl friend. I guess overall my dogs got more of my attention in Switzerhell, in Europe than in the US and than they would have gotten if we had lived in the US the whole time. Wouldn't they have preferred to see me happy yet doing more activities away from them? I don't know really. Dogs don't talk details like that. I wish I could communicate more sometimes but the specie hindrance is a bitch. Animal companions give me more space to be me. When I lived with humans, I always think that you become alike a little bit, or the opposite, you avoid being like the other at all costs, which is not really being you either. Anyway I enjoy dogs' company. In New Jersey I rented a room in a house with 7 dogs for a while. With mine, we had 9 dogs. Their presence is soothing and exciting at the same time. My 2 dogs were, are my kids. Of coure I could have human kids. They demand more money though. I would get very angry not having enough money to take care of my child. I am angry because I am poor as it is. Dogs are easier and cheaper to take care of. Different specie, big deal. Truth is humans value more human kids because they are like them, they are copies of them, and also because they can do more important things when they grow up, like work and help (...) society. It's an egocentric human behavior. Just like people mostly fall in love with mates who resemble them in some ways.

April 11th

I lost again at that Lotto game last night. Of course if I have to think properly to win the Lotto, to attract it with good faith and creative force, I am not really in great spirits because of my Shadow not being with us anymore. Yesterday I did make a big effort for Shiva. My godmother, who would never neither invite me nor come to see me when I had Shadow, all of a sudden invited me to lunch. She has a little dog just like Shiva. I wanted Shiva to see another dog, to spend some time with her. So I made the sacrifice. The hardest thing for me was not to see my godmother who is really a hypocrite just like all Swiss, but to know that she was seeing us out of pity. She knows I am very upset over Shadow's death. She thinks I am stupid just because I don't have a PHD in something and I don't have a big career. She had one, and is retired now. The tough thing for me was to go sit on a terrace of a restaurant really close to Swiss morons. Europe, small spaces. People sit really close... I hate it. So we ate. The dogs didn't really play. Then we walked along the lake where hundreds of idiot Swiss also walk. Hated it. But Shiva got to smell a few other dogs and that was worth it.

Today I am in the cabin, alone with Shiva, like it's gona be from now on. There is this car parked on the road ( dead end) and the guy is not coming out. It's really sunny. They are looking for s*** again. I feel like going there and stabbing him , but I 'll give him another hour in his car in the sun, in front of my chalet....

I went to look from another angle. He is not on the phone but looking in my direction, direction of my chalet. He let his dog out but he is staying in the car. These people have nothing to do in their lives I swear, and they are also lazy to walk their dogs. That s*** happens all the time. They look for shit because they can. Well now it may be worse, they might check if Shadow is still around since someone must have noticed: no barking! These Swiss older men have nothing going on in their lives, and they spend their lives, f***ing with people in slow ways where they know one can't call the police or catch them. Also they'll stay in a car, watching someone just to get the info they need. Why do they need info? Just to know! They are not observing to then rob the house, which to me would make more sense and be less pathetic! They want to know everything about everyone and they will spend their days to find out. They have nothing that they like in their lives. They spend their time doing this spying this for no reason. These people are so pathetic I can't even find words to describe this vermine crap anymore! Mentally disturbed f***s who get away with all kinds of sh** because they are men. Swiss population is polluted, it's filthy, rotten. It should be buried under ground. People like me should go through quarantine, to purify me of all Swiss filth.

April 12th

"Idiot" can't even get close to the word that would describe these Swiss people. I am just thinking about a bunch of things that happened in the past.

They sent me the autopsy report through the mail. It basically doesn't say much since they couldn't do the toxicology test to find out if he was poisoned. I brought my dog's body to these people so they could tell me something, and they cut him open to then, not tell me a thing, just because there is some law that protects people who poison dogs, that says that the owner of the dog has to file a complaint at the police station before. Knowing that they only have a few days after death to do the autopsy, one has to file a complaint before the dog dies. Like when he was sick I wanted to spend the time at the police station telling these assholes who would have been smiling at the fact that a dog of THOSE breeds had been poisoned. Plus I had hope. I had hope that despite their trial to poison my dog, he would get better, and we would go back to our happy life, the three of us. I didn't believe he was going to die. So now I let these people cut my dog open for them to know with what poison he was killed, and for me to wonder. Aside from the fact that this country doesn't like dogs, I am getting close to thinking it's a conspiracy against the 13 breeds they hate, to kill them. Actually I don't believe the Swiss have it in them to plan a conspiracy, but the fact that most people hate certain breeds, and didn't see the number of them coming in the country, makes most people agree that these dogs must be exterminated. Cops kill them, shelters kill them, and people poison them. My question is why don't they prohibit the breeds in the whole country instead of certain states ( cantons). If they did their jobs at customs, they could stop the incoming dogs from other countries. The thing is they don't do their jobs at customs because they are lazy. There are a few border entries which are always empty. Switzerhell is not in the European Union so they should do their job at customs anyway! I would rather certain breeds being forbidden in the whole country than seeing certain breeds being hated, sometimes killed, just for their looks. Switzerhell doesn't treat dogs great in general, but there are people who like their dogs, and their dogs are not only small breeds. The St-Bernard and the Bernese are two Swiss breeds which are loved by some, and the 2 dogs are not all friendly, just like dogs in general, it depends on many factors. I will despise Switzerhell for the rest of my days for having hated my son that much.

This afternoon, I was driving through Geneva and I saw, again, a pitbull without a muzzle and without a leash walking by his drug addict owner. It's the neighborhood of the drug addicts (even if the whole city is becoming the neighborhood of the drug addicts) and the cops were driving by. But cops are either afraid to go up to this guy with his dog unleashed, or they don't want to bother the poor man... The cops don't arrest the dealers on the street because they say there is no space in jail for them. This city and this whole country are beneath contempt!

April 13th

Death is too good for these Swiss people. They need to either suffer for the rest of their days or disintegrate with their souls if they have any, for not letting me and my dogs live and for not leaving many other women and women with certain dogs, in peace. The Swiss should pay for what they have done to us and to lots of other women or foreigners with or without dogs of THOSE breeds. Whoever has a criminal record in Geneva canton is not allowed to have a dog of THOSE breeds. The law itself is not so ridiculous to a lot of people, but when the cops twist the laws to their advantage, as always in Switzerhell ( when they even twist the law instead of creating their own ), then corruption takes another meaning. People should worry about the well-being of the dogs, not about the right or not the right for people to have certain dogs. The Swiss could care less about the well-being of the dogs.

I can't get over my dog being gone. My thoughts have been lost, up down all around, not knowing where to go. I have regained some sanity, but hate my present life except for Shiva. He is my light, right now. I am trying to train my brain to win to get out of here which I know would be the only thing that would really make me feel better. I am not trying to believe, think or feel. I am going for scientific results. I wish there was a God. I have not believed in the one everyone talks about in a long time. I believed in Lord Shiva a couple of months ago, but believing in him, I thought he was one of many in my mind, or some kind of angel. I thought Lord Shiva had protected my dogs all those years. I started with Shiva, to pray Lord Shiva to protect him every time I would leave him at home. Then when Shadow was there, I also prayed Lord Shiva to protect my boys. And with all the assholes around everywhere we lived, I thought Lord Shiva was helping to keep them safe, because things could have been worse in many places. I can sac we were lucky sometimes. Unfortunately now that my Shadow died at eight years old, I have a hard time believing that Lord Shiva is around. Now I have been feeling so bad for a week. I am weak. I cry a lot and therefore have no energy left to do much. I am planning on winning this coming week-end though. I do wish there was a God. When we feel really weak and lost, isn't that when we start believing? I want to believe. I don't. I think that obviously if there was a God, he would have made me win last year, 2 years ago or more, so that I could have given my Shadow some happy times, a few very happy years. There is so much animal suffering on this planet. If there was a God, this wouldn't be. I don't want the catholic God that talks about sacrifice, suffering to get something. I was born catholic. I was taught that God was this person that wants everyone's happiness. Yet I always saw so much pain in the world. It was all very confusing to me. Be a victim, let the others win and maybe one day God will give you something! I don't like the image of the God that most people ( Christians, Jews, Muslims and Buddhists) believe in. Most people of the planet believe in that God. I am not saying they are wrong, I am just saying that that image, that concept doesn't work for me. The Hindu gods are romantic. The plurality is attractive, but just when I thought I believed... And if god is punishing because I didn't pray, punishing for any reason, it is not God. Humans punish each other, and themselves enough. We punish animals, sometimes to make them understand something, but more of the time because it is our stupid psychology. If god punishes, I don't believe it's God. If there was a God, she or he should be good, wait a minute great, awesome. Life wouldn't be the way it is. There wouldn't be such scumbags like all the Swiss and several others around the world. I maintain, there are smarter beings on other planets that made earth their experiment. I still wish there was a God, it's a beautiful thought. A great God would tell me : Look outside! And Shadow would be there waiting in front of the fence, without a limp nor big pain like he had the last month of his life. He would be there, and God would also say: go and play Lotto. I would and would win the millions. The three of us would get on a jet and I would have my dream, the dream that I have visualized so many times and that felt really good... Really because I could see how we have to feel some pain to really enjoy the good things in life, to be able to compare the good and the bad. If we had all good feelings all the time, we might not appreciate them as much. Actually that concept which makes sense to me now, might be something that was fed to our brains, but might be false like other millions of concepts that we are taught. Maybe if we knew how to enjoy the good times, we wouldn't need the pain to be able to appreciate the bliss.

There could be a way to create our life the way we really want it. It is a nice thought. But who gets their dreams? 2% of the population? Maybe not even. Is it because they can't use their brain power? I don't know. I don't know much these days. I know science, I know what I see, I know life, and it's not pretty. I have one pretty thing with me now and that's Shiva, and yes I am cherishing him!

April 14th

I was at the gym today, a bit early in the day and that's when all the old people work out. I am sorry, they don't work out, they show up at the gym and they move around a bit. I stretch in between sets and that is totally unusual for these primitive Swiss ( I can't help but mention that I am on the what they call "Riviera", which is really the South of France, but they call that the part along the Leman Lake from Lausanne to Geneva). In this area it's where the biggest number of international people work and live, and you would think that the Swiss who live there would be less primitive than people who live in the deep country side. I have nothing against "country". I love country living, music, nature, etc. But in Switzerhell, country is where people think they're from the city and know everything and they also think they are superior to all other countries in the world. So they laugh at me when I work out in a different way, when I stretch in between sets. That's one thing but what gets to me more is when they laugh when I fall. I had fallen a few years back, and again today. Some tweebs left a metal barre in the middle of the floor and I was trying to avoid another machine, carrying a mat, and I slipped, fell on my back. The owner of the health club and one middle aged man laughed. I got up and I felt my knee a bit but I was ok. Again would anyone ask if I am ok? No. The one and only sense of humour in Switzerhell is to laugh at others when they hurt themselves. They also laugh when they mess with your life with little things and you don't know who it is. That is their sense of humour. They, trust me don't have any other sense of humour whatsoever.

I then walked out of the health club ( we could hardly call that a health club the way people work out), and I couldn't find my card. The owner said it should have been on the table if I had left it there. When he is not there at the reception, we have to leave cards on the counter. I did , I am sure I did. The owner blamed me, he insisted that I lost it or that I didn't put it there. I couldn't believe the asshole. Whatever I try to do in this country becomes a burden. I only want to work out. I can't do that in this country. Dealing with these people for the smallest everyday stuff is hell. They act like women are stupid when really it's them who are dumb, they couldn't survive anywhere in the world other than in their little circle of friends, their village where they grew up in Switzerhell. I have met people from all over the world. Even if I don't know everything about all cultures because I have often met these people either on vacation in Europe or living in the US, I can say that people from outside Switzerhell have a human side to them that brings something to the quality of the relationship that one can have with another. People from European countries ( other than Switzerland) are fun sometimes and frankly I can't say that they're all bad even if they live in countries where evil and bad habits tend to survive. You may not be a fan of the French but there is probably somewhere a ( one or more) French guy or woman who you'll like. I feel like that about European countries. Switzerhell on the other hand is the utmost disgusting representation of the human race. I have actually never ever met a Swiss that I can say, is decent after having found out more about the person. I am talking about knowing the person, not talking once on the airplane or at the bakery! Whether there is still some Swiss in me which makes me trash like them, I don't know. I have obviously dealt with psychological issues from being Swiss all my life. I am still getting rid of the remains of anything Swiss gene. I don't know that I'll be able to, totally ever. Maybe I am part trash, and my friends outside Switzerhell ( I have no friends in Switzerhell just people I talk to and do activities with sometimes) might tell you so, I am not sure. If you see them, ask them! I am 38 years old and feel like I am at the end of my work of getting every Swiss cell away from my body and soul. I am saying that because I am understanding a lot of things about me and people in this country now, and I see that I am starting to free myself. My dogs helped a lot. Basically living in Switzerhell everyone tries to bring you down, unless you play victim and kiss their feet all day long. My dogs are the only ones who have ever brought me up, higher towards a better me. Don't get me wrong, while living in the US, I met great people all over the place. I have gotten the compliments and the positive prep talks for my whole positive part of life. I remember talking to people once about something and their words were so positive and constructive that I still remember them and they are still doing some good to me , just remembering the phrase or the comment. I unfortunately don't have any " my mother used to say " that help me in life, but it's not her fault. She lived in Switzerhell all her life, same for my father who I didn't have for long, he died when he was 39 and I was 8. My parents were not bad to me. They truly did their best.

April 15th

I went food shopping and again I heard some Swiss people making racist and anti-Jews jokes. These people can make such jokes in public anywhere and not care. I was waiting in line and I heard these men, not afraid of anything, because they know they can. When they make jokes about women, they're not only not afraid of anything, but proud to be stupid! Of course they think they're very smart! They talk out loud and make racist comments and laugh. I have heard men, only men together, do that in public. Say it with me : " disgusting!"

April 16th

If reincarnation exists , my Shadow has a human spirit, so he will reincarnate in a human. He always got upset, barked at people hurting their dogs, people screaming at their dogs or children or hitting them. People used to think he was barking at their dog when my dog was barking at them for being mean... I never taught him that. He automatically defended the weaker. He felt things that other dogs don't feel or don't worry about.

April 17th

I made mistakes in my life. My life could have been better had I made all the right choices but I didn't know better, I thought I was doing what was right for me and for my dogs. I have but one regret though: I should have been even nicer to my loved ones ( my dogs) and meaner to strangers who hurt us in any kind of ways. Most of the times, their little games made me upset. I would go about my day, upset. My dogs would feel it. These people, on the other hand were living their sweet little life, getting away with all kinds of crap. I was always afraid to do anything because so afraid of being arrested, meaning separated from my dogs. So I lived with the fear, the frustration, the hatred, that my dogs felt, day after day.

April 19th

I miss my big boy so so much. I will never forgive the Swiss as a people for throwing so much hatred at my dog throughout his life. I will never forget nor forgive. Of course I should have been better and ignored all the crap ( except the hitting my dog by older men) and insults, but I am so sensitive to what is being thrown at my kids. I should have made the extra effort but my big dog might still have felt the hatred coming from people. Just the looks every day that we went outside for walk, just the daily looks of hatred. I made an effort not to look at people's eyes when we would pass by them within the last 3 years of my dog's life, but even when I would walk with a friend, they would tell me how nasty and full of hatred people's looks were towards my dog. In NYC, he didn't get half of those dirty looks. When we got back to Switzerhell four years ago, Shadow would always light up when we met or passed by people who spoke English. He assimilated the language to the New York vibe, the better vibe, walking around town....

Today I went to a dog shelter to walk some dogs. They saw me with Shiva and only gave me one small dog to walk, when I always tell them I can walk 2 or 3. It's not like they keep many unfriendly dogs in shelters that the dogs couldn't get along. They kill the unfriendly dogs. That tiny female dog that was in a state that made me cry right away. I am already weak since my Shadow's memory is hanging over my head, and the sight of an unhappy dog in a miserable state made me cry right away. She was a small breed, the same as Shiva. She had so much dirty hair around her eyes, she couldn't see a thing. Nobody had cleaned her eyes and some longhair breeds have a tendency to secrete a brown liquid, that, if not washed off, it stays around the eyes like glue and keeps the eyes closed... She had doodoo all around her butt because no one had cut her hair around that area for months, if not years. She was in a horrible state. I thought maybe they had gotten the dog today, but no she had been there for 2 weeks. The dog was so skinny she was about to faint when I made her walk around the area!! It was awful! I can't believe these Swiss people. I said that I could take her right away. I said I could take her for a while, in order to get her in a better state. They said that's not the way they do things. I would have to adopt her, and in any case they would prefer someone without a dog, to adopt her. They have regulations and thoughts that these Swiss people follow, without caring about the well-being of the animal. They have a great modern building for administration of the shelter. I don't know who built it but it's an expensive building. When you give money to the shelter, even 20 francs, like I did last year, they send you a magazine every month, a membership card, really cute with your name on it.... Who cares about that crap, if they can't take care of the dogs well! It's not that they can't, but they won't, they don't care! Their brains don't have that freedom, to see things differently, to make things work. I remember in NYC, I once saw these people from a shelter with a dog I knew belonged to a homeless guy of the neighborhood. I used to give him dog food. Well the people from the shelter told me the dog was abandoned. They said that they don't have enough space at their shelter, and asked me right then and there if I could foster the dog for two nights, to help them out. I said sure no problem. These people didn't think about procedure, and following the one way to do things, they wanted to save that dog. I was there and seemed to know the dog, and trusted that I could take care of him for 2 days, end of story. They picked him up at my place 2 days later. That small dog that I walked today was in desperate need. If the shelter didn't have the time or space to care for that dog, they could have taken my ID, passport whatever, and let me take her for a while, even if they didn't want me to adopt her. When I talk to these people and try to open their minds, all they do is yell at me for thinking I can change things.... Sorry... I am not trying to change your Swiss world, it has proven to me that it can't change and has made me and my dogs suffer. Who am I to want to change things? All I want is to change things for dogs.

Also, today there is a new law in great Switzerhell: cops are not allowed anymore to pretend to be someone else on the web to catch pedophiles! Switzerhell was already a haven for pedophiles, but now with this great law decided by the great Swiss.... How are cops ( the few that are willing to catch pedophiles) supposed to catch them? Yes, the one and only way is going to be to catch them after the act! Oh but wait.... children are even more scared, shy and mentally troubled in Switzerhell and don't speak up, than in any other country that no one will find out about "pedo-craps" committing sexual crimes all over the place, until maybe an adult ( the child victim) in 20 years decides to talk. Oh but wait there is also a law in Switzerhell that says you can't convict someone after a certain amount of years....No Amber alerts ( the French have started it, but not the Swiss), no catching pedophiles.... And rich foreigners come here and think their children are safe.... Should I laugh or cry?

Later that day...

Reading the Secret again, I am thinking since I said it didn't work because I didn't win the Lotto nor have been able to leave this country for good, I have somehow thought I couldn't do it. If what we think about most attracts it, I should have won millions at a game by now. Since my Shadow was a puppy I thought I was going to win the Lotto. I was even so confident that when I got him living in a studio, I thought I definitely would win the Lotto because that only made me want to win more! I was confident I was going to win and in my head, I was only going to make him live in a studio for a little while. All his life, 8 and a half years, I have played and thought I was gona win! I might have had some doubts but I thought that my believing was getting stronger, that it should happen!! I can't really believe I didn't win. I always thought I would be able to give him a home with a big piece of land. As my dogs got older, I thought I could offer them that home for their "retirement". They went through so much and moved a lot with me. I got the chalet with a small fenced green area where I had people complaining he was barking because the poor dog was so happy to be able to say this was his territory, finally! Shiva didn't use the outside much. My mother lent me the money ( officially) for this chalet because her cousin who likes dogs persuaded her to help me since she had promised to buy a house or something for me to pay rent to her and not to some landlord that would want to kick me and the dogs out. I borrowed money from her and am paying rent for the land because the land ( yard) around the chalet belongs to the village. They don't want to sell, to let people know it's not really their place. Many towns and villages do that in Switzerhell. I just own the chalet which is really small with no running water, but I am glad Shadow got to live here for a while and he loved this place. I hate this country so much , I guess it's hard to attract a winning when I carry so much hate, but now that he's dead the hatred is even bigger. Before I could objectively criticize the people, compare them to other cultures and show how pathetic, nasty or stupid they are. But now the hatred is personal. I knew my dog was feeling the hate coming at him on top of my hatred towards people and that couldn't have been good for him, but we were strong the 3 of us I thought, together. So it was bad enough not to able to win the Lotto while hating the country I was in, but now with the added pain of losing my strong boy... And now is when I need to win the most I think. I should have won with him to give him what I wanted, to let him live in a more decent country for the rest of his life. But now I love my Shiva but I am a mess. I cry all the time. I hate this chalet because this was Shadow's place. I don't have a job so I can't get a studio anywhere. I really need to win money to get out of this country for good. There is a pretty big jackpot but with all my pain, how am I supposed to attract that? I try to dig deep down to focus on money. Money was never a big thing to me that's why I got to be really poor. Money itself is nothing to me. Life of my dogs, of animals in general is. I remember getting really upset when I saw a cat half dead on the road in the old village. The cat had been run over of course by a car. This man stopped in front of me and said he was taking it to kill him because the cat was suffering. The cat was in bad bad shape. It took me several days to get over that. I am so sensitive to animals' lives. I so want to do something for them. Money is required for that. I know it, just like I knew money was required to leave the country and go buy a home for my 2 boys. I did believe I was going to win. The believing is not my problem. I have been too confident too many times and getting hit by the results of not being the winner, again and again, might make it impossible for me to ever win. I don't really believe that. Some people might say I am going for the hardest thing: The Lotto! Too many people want the same thing at the same time, right? Well I am a firm believer in the fact that you don't have more chances to be a star or be a rich business man than winning the lotto. If it's humanly physically possible, then it's possible! Yes I have a lot of competition: All these Europeans praying, doing their white, black and whatever color magic for their own winning, but I keep thinking I might get that secret process at some point, and be able to use it. As Mr Robert Collier wrote, if I am poor and sick, then it's because I don't understand the power that is mine. I surely haven't understood it otherwise I would have given my 2 dogs the life I wanted to give them. I guess I needed to experience a whole lot of Swiss crap to really understand this country and write about it and not come back ever. I did. I experienced a lot. I was amazed in the negative sense many times. I was hurt and my dogs were hurt. Will I get a second chance to live life? I surely want to give myself a second chance, but is my mental not too messed up from this country that I'll be able to win the money that is here in Switzerhell or Europe and leave. If I win, I am not saying that I wouldn't open a dog shelter in France or Italy at some point in my life because I know how European dogs need a lot of help.

I am trying to think health and wealth to attract them. I don't think I have to think love. When someone has to think love to attract it I think that may be a bit sad. I realize that just the presence of my big dog was great love in my life, let alone the kind of love he would give me. Shiva gives me great spiritual love as well. He is a spiritual, mystical dog, this little one.

April 20th

I went to a health club in Lausanne that has the top of the line machine equipment, a large spacious work out room, which is rare in Switzerhell. You watch the kind of people ( the Swiss) that work out there, and you wonder why the world is so unfair? In so many countries, a lot of people work out with great energy. Most of them often don't have the money to work out in gym, much less in gyms with good equipment. I was actually looking at these morons for once, and they are all working out like old people, I mean slow and doing everything wrong. It was lunch time. They are all there because they are so obsessed with loosing weight. Most of them don't want to be there, don't like the sport. Sports which are known to be liked in Switzerhell are skiing and tennis, maybe soccer for boys.... So when I see such a great gym with morons trying to push 10 kilos to loose 200 grams of fat.... They all want to be thin, that's all they care about. They are lazy and do the least possible. These people don't deserve to have gyms like that. And there was an awesome Pilates studio as well!! Empty, no one in there! Pathetic. I feel like redistributing the wealth of the world in a big way. At least in the US, when you see an awesome gym and rich people working out, they work out as hard as poor people, enjoy their space, use it well and usually educate themselves to work out better and more efficiently. They can learn more because they have money and they do learn and better themselves. The rich Swiss are lazy, and they don't care about learning to do things better. They want the magic potion to loose weight and that's it. they don't like to sweat either.

Later that day...

Prime time Swiss news: The president of Iran gave a provocative speech and insulted Israel. It was ridiculous enough for Switzerhell to invite him for a UN racism convention. Well racism was definitely the subject! Swiss news interviewed him one on one with a Swiss journalist: The Iranian president said that Europeans have no business criticizing Iran for what the laws do to women because in Europe women are beaten and killed inside their homes and they get no help, no real rights. The Swiss journalist responded by saying that he doesn't understand what he is talking about, and then attacked him on the supposed "hypocrisy" of the Iranian people who don't follow Islamic laws at home but only in public. What a lame attempt to attack that man who may not the best president and who of course is not a human rights activist. Mahmoud Ahmadinedjad at least knows something about the real treatment of women in Switzerhell which is denied by all Swiss men. It's amazing that I need a man like him to speak some truth about Switzerland.

April 22nd

I am still not feeling well. My sadness is everlasting. I miss my Shadow so much. I thought I was doing better after a while when I couldn't cry anymore. As a survival tool, I instinctively felt a bit better, with hopes and joy about the little things in life like food, music and TV. Those things didn't mean jack anymore right after he passed away. My Shiva is the only one who has kept meaning to me. I thought I was feeling better, starting to see life as I did before. But when I look into my heart and maybe the fact that I am unemployed doesn't help and gives me time to think and look inward. I can't stop crying. I can't stop feeling the need for his presence. It's probably very selfish psychologically speaking. I sometimes think he is in a better place. Anywhere would probably be better than living in this disgusting country, for him. And that makes me sad, not to have given him a better life. And the bare fact that he is gone just hurts like hell! Period!

April 25th

These Swiss people are going to kill us 3. They killed my Shadow. They got him by giving him cancer first and then poison . They killed him from the pain that he had to go through every single walk outside. They killed him a little bit every day. He was not that strong even if he looked tough. They hurt him so much with their nasty comments, insults and dirty looks!!! I suffered too but I am tougher. All I got was higher cholesterol, which was bad enough. Then they poisoned him at the end. These f***ing Swiss killed him and I have a feeling they are going to kill us all. I am not living anymore. I survive for Shiva. I cry and pet him a lot. Shiva had this ability to be in his own world most of the time, which is his big strength, but his sinuses are getting worse. His nose is dripping all the time. The vet said it's nothing, allergies or something, so I guess it's psychological. He is not doing so so well either. I went to the dog shelter, SPA, to walk dogs for Shiva, again.

April 30th

I can't go on like this. I can't live in this country without my Shadow. I have my Shiva but he sees me crying too much. One of my dogs is gone so the dream will never happen. I am still poor, so getting rich is not coming true either and I am not getting any younger. But I will not give up on everything. I am going to go to the US for a few days, a week, just to show a city where my dream was, to Shiva who has never been there. Siva and I are going to land in my favorite city and walk around the city. That is part of the dream, and if I have to go broke and loose unemployment money for leaving for a few days, so be it. I am taking this little part of my dream that I can. Life has not giving me any of my dreams. Life has given me 2 beautiful great dogs. The one that is still with me is small so easy to travel with, so I am taking this little bit of my dream. I need that to go on. The hardest thing is going to be to come back to hell, but I think it will give me something positive to keep the hope, or not to loose it. I am going to plan this trip.

May 19th

I got back from the US yesterday. I left on May 6th. When I got to US soil, I truly felt in a different world. I knew that world. I knew that no matter what, I would feel relieved of the scum of Switzerhell. And I did. I didn't do much on my trip, I just had to feel the vibe. And I could just walk around at whatever time of the day and I felt the vibe. People don't realize the filth of this small rich country, Switzerland. Of course it's not the land it's the people who create the vibe. I walked around a great American city and I breathed like I hadn't breathed in 4 years, when we were in NYC. I am not saying everyone is great in the US, but you compare it to Switzerhell, it's vibracious, colorful and peaceful in the US. I have always felt that way even when I tried really hard to say Switzerhell was great ( a long time ago when I was young and somewhat ignorant). Shiva and me had 10 days of almost pure bliss even if I stayed alone, didn't try to hook up with anyone, do any fun activities, but of pure joy. Joy of life. I had no negative feelings of any kind. I did take the bus and sit beside homeless people who smelled like 2 Swiss put together, but I got out of the bus and was feeling great! So I am back now, and I thought I could carry the pure joy several more days, but as soon as I see these assholes walking around my chalet, looking around like they're entitled to know everything about me because I am a woman living alone, just that brings back feelings of wanting to kill and reminds me of all the crap Shadow and us had to endure because of the filthy Swiss. I can't help but wanting revenge on these people. The sad and frustrating thing is that I know I can never get real revenge on these people because they so don't feel anything that most of them could have their kids killed in front of them, it wouldn't get them to suffer the way they deserve to. Maybe it is in my chart to kill the Swiss. But once they're dead, what are they going to feel? nothing! That's not revenge either. Giving my whole life time to pull dirty pranks on them and making their lives miserable wouldn't make them suffer. That would make me unhappy. They would be too happy I would playing their game. I read a book while I was in the US, from Sylvia browne, about the temples on the Other Side. She talks about a lot of things that are hard for me to believe ( like there is good rock&roll on the Other Side but no hip hop...), but she does say there are dark entities, ones that stay dark, have no remorse and don't wonder about right or wrong. As much as I have had very violent and cruel thoughts, I have not yet or ever acted on them. I am sensitive and do understand people who go to jail because their pain was too much to handle, they had to hurt people or they would have hurt themselves. I get that. But we still want to do good things to the ones that are good to us. Dark entities are just dark. The Swiss are dark entities. Sylvia says it and I believe that. Well I also believe that like attracts like and Switzerland is the place where these dark entities gather. They overflow to France and Germany a bit but the core place where they are is Switzerhell. Sylvia says we need dark entities on the planet to teach us something, to help us learn. Maybe so, like in the US or other countries where you have a certain number of people who are dark and you know you have to avoid if you can. But when the country ( Switzerhell) is full of them, and when they have money to cover their image and to have power over who they want, it's scary. If you're not a dark entity, the only way to survive is to live in a group in Switzerhell, with a family, gang of friends, etc. But even if I don't believe my mother is a dark entity, she has residue of these people around her, in her behavior and mind. She lives with a woman who is one. My godmother is also a woman who has lived alone almost all her life. She has and still goes through a lot of crap from society that ruins her life on an every day basis. She had her job where she had lots of friends and allies. She is Swiss so she is not a great person but I can tell sometimes she tries so that's good enough not to be a dark entity, but this country has got to be stopped. I just hope it's not in my chart to kill. I know then my book would be published... I do want to live my life away from this country and to tell the world with words and writing. But something just keeps pushing me back here. I could see how I had to come here to realize the nature of Swiss people and their true selves , fully. And who could have realized it better than me, Swiss and alone enough to feel things a bit deeper? If I get the chance to walk out of here with enough money to stay out forever, I will know it was my duty to have learned and tell the world. If I am stuck here, I might also tell the world later and go to jail but then what will I have learned by going to jail? Jail is not so bad in Switzerhell? When you compare it to living in Switzerhell as a single female, it's about the same. In jail the guards, cops, whatever, might have it easier in raping you , torturing you physically, but mental torture is all over real life in this "free"country... Swiss jail don't have secret ways to make people suffer more than in society. For the Swiss, they'd rather be among their own kind than in jail but for me, aside from the fact that I can't have my dog there...My Shiva is my only family left. I'll stay out of jail for him. I'd like to stay out of jail for the dogs of the world, but I have got to get a grip on how to make my dreams come true.

May 20th

Having spent 10 days in the US, I forgot what a bunch of idiots the Swiss are when they walk down the street or when they drive. When you're in a town with people walking around the streets ( which tend to be narrow ), everyone wants to go first, not letting others go by, especially not women. They are like kids: me me me! " I am going through and not you!". I am talking about adults here. And when they're driving, it's the same thing. People don't let you go, they drive as if they try to get away with as much crap as possible. I rode a bicycle in the US for 7 days, and I was amazed at how much space most cars left on my side as they were driving by me. I know NYC is different, they drive like maniacs, especially cab drivers, but it's a city with almost as many people as in the whole Switzerhell. New Yorkers may drive crazy at times, but it is nothing like the Swiss. I know Italians drive crazy. I know Egyptians ( especially Cairo) drive even crazier. But it's not that the Swiss drive fast and don't follow the rules, it's more like they want others to follow the rules, otherwise they call the cops on them, and they themselves follow the rules once out of twice. My 2 weeks in the US was great and riding a bike on the streets felt really safe. I was really careful because I had Shiva in my backpack all the time so I was being very attentive. Even if everyone was giving me space, having lived in Europe, I have the habit of always looking back and making sure there isn't a crazy Swiss driving nuts, because I know that it can happen anywhere, these people travel and move to other countries... But just the luxury of having cars actually make a detour on the road to leave space for the bicyclists, it's great and very comfortable. Also when I walked on the street, I felt people gave me space, and that makes it also very comfortable to walk around, on a crowded city street. Of course downtown people walked faster than in residential areas, and with Shiva I felt I had to watch him so that he didn't get kicked as he won't move for people ( I have always moved around him and been extra careful, he is little). Then I realized I was being paranoid , just because they were walking faster, because I have the habit of seeing Europeans walk without being careful about dogs, stepping on them and kicking them if they're in the way. Shiva got stepped on when he was a puppy, in Paris. At the time I didn't know how people were. I trusted that they would see a puppy and not step on it! He later got kicked a few times because he wouldn't move out of their way, in Switzerhell. I learned. For them dogs have to walk out of the way. And then the Swiss lonely owners let them sleep in their bed: dogs are confused, once they are supposed to fear humans and then they are put on a pedestal. Most Americans may be very nice compared to the rest of the world. The Swiss are the worst in the world, followed by the French. Many countries stand in the middle, like Italy which I know a bit. There is about 50% of them who are really nice and then you have others who are sometimes decent and sometimes not at all. I mean there is usually such a balance in a country. The French have their old architecture with the history of the Kings and the nobles and the language which the world admires. All that still makes them obnoxious and snobs. Today's France doesn't have much to show for itself, but the people keep that snotty attitude. And with their socialist system which gives so much money to the non-working people, the French get lazy. But can you believe that the Swiss are still the laziest of all? The Swiss don't even have a history to show for, a great old civilization. They have a few castles here and there. Please... They do rely a bit on the work of their ancestors who did work hard for a while, making watches in factories like little soldiers. Nowadays they hire French because they say they work faster... The Swiss' brains have been sitting on mountains, watching foreigners come by, take pictures and spend money, for so long that they're atrophied. The Swiss have atrophied brains. Just like a muscle you don't work for a long time becomes atrophied, their brains have not been working for generations. They refuse whatever is new, different. They don't do many activities. They like to stay home or go to cafés and bars. They save money, by not doing things, not going anywhere ( except maybe on one vacation a year, and they choose the kind of vacation where they lie on the beach the whole time). Their brains are worthless.

Between dark entities and atrophied brains, I don't know what Switzerland would do without all the multinational companies that bring a certain amount of foreign workers who stick together, true, but also bring the level of intelligence to a decent level so that it's not too shocking to go through the country, for politicians, business women and men.

May 22nd

I can't stand life, since we got back from the US. I have never had to come back that soon and considering the fact that I hate Switzerhell as it is, and that I have lost my love, Shadow and that I am unemployed, I am not doing well at all. My trip to the US did me good. When I was there, I felt great. Now it hurts again. I miss my big dog so so much. I concentrate on Shiva and try not to take him for granted. I love him. Life here though is still hell, among these trash bag Swiss people. I am poor, can't do much. I spent all my money in the US. Now I am waiting for my next unemployment check ( well there are no checks in Switzerhell, it's just a money wiring through the bank). Life is not at its highest point, but even if I let myself cry a lot because it just has to be and it would be too painful to hold it in, I try to keep the faith, the hope that something good will come up. I have to keep the faith. Truth is I am full of pain, sadness , hatred and fear. Somehow I can still find happy moments, with Shiva and because I know that I am who I am. Today I went to see a room for rent in Lausanne. Since I don't have running water and the weather is getting hot, it's really impossible to live here in the cabin the whole summer. So Shiva and I went to this apartment where this young African guy comes to answer the door. I go in and I see from afar an older lady with lots of make-up and a bit shy and weird. She looked like a witch. She just said hello from afar and that was plain weird to me, when I knew that she lived there, and I would have to share the apartment with them. They want me to move in there? The room was tiny and they were asking too much money for it. The guy was showing me the room. He seemed cool and nice and normal compared to the old Swiss witch in the back, hiding. I told me they were a couple. Clearly he fell in love with that woman.... This apartment was in an apartment complex which looked a bit like the project, or rather felt like it. The place is green and quiet, and crime is hidden and silent. When that many Swiss live in a small environment, it can't be good. They already don't know how to relate to each other in general, so their poverty and their need to pretend that they're poor ( it depends) can't be much of a fun place to live. Anyway, that wasn't the problem. The apartment itself had this weird vibe ( the poor woman was probably not a witch, just a non-talkative, non-interesting, vicious, normal old Swiss woman. I just felt the place out, like picturing the possibility of living there, with my boy... I got out of there and was happy to get out, and especially happy that I didn't really have to take the room. I'd rather live without water! I'll look for another place but that room would have been easy to move into, quickly done, compared to the heavy paper work a rental agency will ask for. Roommate situations are rare in Switzerhell, but I'll keep looking, maybe a place with foreigners! That old witch did have 2 dogs which was an attracting factor to me. When I got there though, the old Bernese was overweight and the Poodle was told not to come to my dog...

Then I went to the supermarket. In Switzerhell the concept of putting a separation between everyone's groceries when ready to pay is new, maybe four years. Well yes new, but in about four years you would think people would get used to putting the separation after their groceries. No, half of the people still don't do it. Some don't do it because it's not the way they know and they don't like change. Some don't do it because they don't care. Some don't do it because they don't know how to do it ( if it's after their stuff or before, that they have to put it). The poor women ( they're women most often in Switzerhell) cashiers who have to ask people all the time: " Is that yours too? " to the thousands of people who don't like to put the separation between their items and the next person's. Little things like that in everyday life that make life easier and make sense, are all taken and copied from the United States, but people can't get used to them. They won't. Old men say that they have been leaving a space after their items for years and they don't see why it should change. It has been four years that all supermarkets have those separations! The French will steal all the American ideas like that, but they will use them right away because they realize it makes life easier. It's not a big thing but these little things add up to make life in Switzerhell a living hell for everyone. I guess I complain because I can't get used to the idea that everyone is stupid. They're not all stupid, they just don't think right. Their brains don't function right, if at all. They don't want to work with society. They are like stubborn little brats. But it is their fault because they have the ressources to learn, but they don't want to. You will tell me that you know some Americans who are not keen on learning, and that they take for granted what society offers them and has been offering them for years. Maybe, but at least they don't have that vicious and hypocritical attitude of wanting to stab you if you step in front of them by accident ( because the Swiss usually do it on purpose), or the need to bug other people all the time for everything, even if they pretend to be quiet , polite and nice. There really is a disgusting vibe in Switzerland. And you do have to be a bit sensitive to feel it because it's not in your face all the time. It's not a loud country. People keep everything inside, and then stab people in the back. That's just how it is.

May 23rd

Today I came back to the chalet and again someone came in through the fence and broke something in my yard! The small wooden construction next the chalet is a small shed where I put wood and stuff that I won't care much if they steal. Well I do have tools in there which get expensive. They stole my shovel already. Today when I was gone, they ( I don't know who and since I have no allies, it's "they") broke down the door of that shed. They didn't take anything this time which proves how much they do s*** just to bug me and just because I am a woman alone, and they think they can. The farmer is working in his cow farm across the road but of course he won't say anything because that's how they are these Swiss people: whether they're in on it or not, they don't say anything, don't want to get involved if it's not them, and they pretend nothing is wrong if it was them. They act like poor thugs and they're not poor, plus they don't even have the quickness of mind and reflex of real thugs! The Swiss are an amazing filthy breed. I guess they are there to show how filthy humanity can get. They are filthy in every sense of the term, but the worst part is their mind, their souls if they have any. You know they have been f***ing with me for the last 5 years when I came back to live in this filthy country. I lived here before and it was the same whether I had my big dog or not. With my big dog I just had another added 30% of the population that insulted us, hated my guts and wanted us gone or dead. Some of my friends from around the world tell me that they could have killed me because some of them have seen people get hurt or killed for small little reasons in Switzerhell. It's true that I know people who have had it worse. This old woman with her 2 dogs in a village close to here had her chalet burned by someone. They haven'et gone that far yet with me. And truly I haven't done anything to these people, ever! All through these years that I have had my dogs, I have built a motherly defensive armor and claws which could make me do ugly ugly things, but at the same time, unless I win the Lotto and get to go far away for the rest of my life, I stay put, and make sure I do nothing to these people, so that I do what I can to protect my dogs. And now I still have my Shiva to protect. I am not taking any unnecessary risks. I don't want to waste my life trying to hurt these people. It's too much work and too much attention on them. I live in Switzerhell but I try to stay in my own world and ignore the fact that I am here. It works when there is no one around. I still watch the news in French but thanks to the amount of foreigners in the country, we get most American shows and movies in English ( we don't get many of them but the ones that we get , we can choose to watch them in English or French). I watch the Swiss Italian channel a lot too because their taste for good American series and movies is better.

My shadow was not lucky to have lived most of his life in this country. He was a really great dog and belonged in the US where they gave him love and compliments. This dog taught me about the true nature of these Swiss people, because before him, I knew the Swiss weren't all that great of a people, but Shadow taught me that no other people on the planet will hate dogs that much because their breed. No other people will spend so much time planning little tricks to ruin your day, because you have a dog of a breed they don't like. Swiss people refuse to see any good in certain breeds. Swiss people try to destroy people's lives just because they have a dog of a breed they don't like. Swiss people have so much in their life: money, opportunities, comfort, and they carry more hate than poor frustrated starving sick people of the world , who would have the right to have a bit of hatred along the way, but they don't. Swiss people have nothing positive to offer to society. They only open their mouth to say negative stuff to people they don't know. They want to know about everybody's business, not to care or help , just to be curious to use the information to break people for no reason at all. I didn't see all that in the Swiss, before I had my Shadow. I saw part of it, but didn't realize the percentage of people who are scum. In every country you have crumbs, trash-bags. But in Switzerhell, there is a majority of filth which you only get to find out about, if you're a woman alone. And if, on top of it, you have a dog of a certain breed, you get to really see and feel it. This dog not only taught me about love, about the fact that you have to cherish your loved ones, and that if you hurt them you only hurt yourself. He taught me about the people of the country I was born in. He taught me some truth. Shiva was the first one I loved in my life, so he taught me about love too. Shiva is very small and if you're not careful, his teaching is so subtle that you can miss it. Shadow was big in every way. His presence was big and his love was big and obvious. I didn't see it in the beginning, I so wanted him to be perfect, to be well trained. He was a great dog and listened well after a lot of training. I was frustrated sometimes and I should have loved him more. I guess we can all say that when we loose a loved one. But the person I am today is partly because of him. I might have this hatred in me when I am in this country because I have taken too much of their crap, thinking I could take it I guess. But if I need to save me, I know that when I set foot in the US the hatred goes away. The only thing that is left is the zealous way I have to want to protect my dog(s) at all times. I just know that this dog has taught me more than anyone has in my life besides my little boy Shiva, who has taught me and is still teaching me about love as well. With Shadow I almost had this equal to equal relationship, even if all his life I insisted on keeping him in his dog position. He had to listen to me at all times. I didn't listen to him enough, but now I realize that he still was able to teach me stuff! I don't know that I'll ever find another dog like him. I would love to have money to open a shelter to have lots of dogs, to get to know lots of creatures of that specie. Shadow taught me to love dogs even more. I am in love with his breed as well. I have a weakness for small breeds and big muscular ones.

May 25th

I am in a new apartment for one month, a sublet. I needed to get away from the chalet and to live in a town where there are more dogs for Shiva to see and smell. I wish I could say "play with", but the Swiss don't let their dogs play with other dogs. As soon as their dog has smelled the other, they call her or him. Sometimes I meet a foreigner with a small dog, and Shiva gets to play for a bit, on lucky days... When Shadow was young, I was also making all kinds of efforts to find other dogs for him to play with.

I was thinking about the past, when I first got Shadow. Back then I was super positive and was sure I was going to win the Lotto. The Secret says we have to pretend or think we already have what we want. I did. I thought I knew it was coming. I thought we wouldn't live in a studio for long. I had this big dog in a studio and even if I wasn't working full-time ( teaching English and French) and giving him lots of walks, I knew it was not cool to have him in such a small space. I was so sure things were going to get better , money was coming. It never came... So what was I doing wrong? Being too sure? I thought that was exactly what we have to do. I hadn't read the Secret then, but I knew that if I wanted something bad enough and felt it, it would come. I believed too much? Isn't that insane? Later on I stopped being so sure, and then, I can understand that the winning didn't come. Still today I have a nerve in me who thinks I might never get what I want. Now I am working on believing again. But what if I worked on believing to again not win for 5, 6, 7 years? To do what I really want ( which is open a dog shelter in the US), I need a lot of money. I need money to get out of here, then to get papers in the US, and then to open a shelter! So yes I need to win a huge amount. I have read Richard Bartlett's book, Matrix Energetics. Even if I think the book is to make people go to the seminar, I am trying to two-point... I even believe... And then it doesn't happen. But I keep trying.

May 26th

Here I am in great Switzerhell ( barf), renting a sublet for a month, not because I am looking for luxury of having running water even though as a concept I am not against it, but because I had to get out of my chalet in the middle of nowhere ( near a small village of Swiss morons), chalet that I had gotten for Shadow and us. Without him that place is as grim as Switzerhell. Shiva doesn't even like it that much. It was Shadow's place. It was the best I could ever give him, along with my love and being his leader. He was my third eye and my partner. This is the first time I loose someone I loved. Well, Shiva is my world now, even if I am selfish enough to look for what I need as well. So I am in this apartment I rented from Swiss people, who have a villa nearby, with a view on the Hotel and Management school where I used to work. These people have a view on a somewhat historical building of their region and they didn't even know that it was now a hotel school ( has been for the last 15 years). That's what I mean about the Swiss having the ressources to learn and know things but they don't care. They live in a pretty region of this country, and they don't know about the few historical buildings of the area. There are pretty sceneries in Switzerhell, very similar to the ones in the surrounding countries. But to me, what the US has, the amount of different sceneries, from the Ocean, to the Canyons, to the green country sides, to the mountains, to the great lakes, etc, etc. Why would Americans travel to Europe more than once? Since I grew up in Switzerhell, I was used to the sceneries and actually liked them because they were familiar. I used to hope I could settle down and enjoy a job, friends and simplicity of life here in Switzerhell. I am not a complicated person, but I was just born in the wrong country. My soul fits in the US more. I should then do my best to stay there. Yes. I will. I didn't want to stay illegally with Shadow in the US because I was afraid of being deported and separated from my dogs at some point. That fear.. I know. I should have looked for a husband, the man of my life in a smarter way. Ok enough with the "should have' s". Shadow is still with me in spirit. It seems he shows me his hair sometimes. I know some of his hair may still be around, but I feel like he is showing me his presence sometimes when I don't think about him, with a hair of his. It's often at the gym. He knows it's what I like to do, and Shiva is not around, so he shows me he is there. I wish I could have more, a conversation or a message. I guess I always want more.

I am trying to think quantum, to widen my imagination. I have always believed in crazy stuff and have been disappointed that they didn't work. But if I try to stretch my imagination and not want things desperately, like an angry child, maybe I can get to have the millions to open my shelter and help lots of dogs the way I plan to. I have got to change, to transform to do that. Obviously wanting the winning the way I have been wanting it, hasn't worked. Otherwise I'd have won when my big dog was still young.

May 29th

It's funny how people from around the world have this brainwashed idea that Switzerland is beautiful, more beautiful than other countries. I see these tourists taking pictures of ugly places and things. Switzerhell is not getting cheaper to travel to, so the tourists are not poor people. For many people, it's still "something" to say that they went to Switzerland. The image that a few smart ambitious foreign ( not Swiss) marketing strategists have created is amazing. Of course that image has been supported by the low-tax system that is in place for rich people. And because so many rich people of the world come to Switzerhell to live or to visit, the country smells like money. And because most people can't smell the difference between dirty and clean money , a place where money accumulates has to be attractive.

I have heard the theory that says Switzerhell was taken over a few decades ago by the rich who rule the world ( if there is such a thing, as the conspiracy theory where a certain amount of very rich people own and rule the world). Switzerhell is the perfect place to hide. The country has in the last 30 years, made more and more effort to protect the rich in the country. It could be the place where these super rich hide their money. The country's scheme is to hide money better than anyone else in the world. The country is based on telling the world whatever they want to hear, or at least they tell the least that they have to, and lie. They keep their population dumb so they can keep this system of not saying what is going on around in the country, even little things like crime... Privacy of the rich is highly respected. Cops don't even know about people who live in mansions. Crime is not reported nor on tv, except the few times when something happens in the middle of the day, on a crowded street. I met this taxi driver in Geneva who told me about his friend who is a train conductor. This man knows about technical problems which is what the train company tells people when a train stops working all of a sudden. But this man told me most of the time it is because people were on the rails, either tied down by someone or who commit suicide. That never goes on TV. Even to him, the train conductor, if he didn't get to see the detailed scene, he is told it was a suicide, when he knows that there is a high percentage of crime being disguised as suicide. Cops are not allowed to check or investigate, many times. Not that they yearn for the extra work anyway. I have gone and still go hiking a lot. The trails are sometimes very dangerous. A weird guy once told me that people fall off the cliff often. Never reported, nor on the news. The only thing we hear on TV is when people are rescued when there is an avalanche in the winter. It is difficult for them to hide an avalanche, so the media will tell you that there was an avalanche and that people died or were rescued by the great competent Swiss helicopter rescue team ( ...). Most of the times, who finds these people under snow? Dogs!

I personally don't really like the conspiracy theory where the super rich would own Switzerhell and make it the way it is. It gives these Swiss people a big fat excuse for being dumb, vicious enough to mess with poor people and women's lives. It gives them an excuse for being rats. Oh it's not their fault, higher powers have turned them into who they are, for a reason. They stay busy worrying about their neighbor's lives and don't rebel against higher powers... I don't buy it. The Swiss have the ressources to evolve, to be as advanced, humanly, psychologically as the United States, but their souls are so dark that they are who they are, and whether they want to change or not ( ha ha), they can't. So they pretend they decide not to want to change. I only give them the credit to know, to be aware that deep down they are dark entities. They know they are vicious, ugly ( on the inside mostly), envious people. But the excuse to themselves is that there are so many people who have killed masses of people who live in Switzerland in big beautiful homes, that they think they can bug, hurt destroy a few weak people's lives to show that they are more dominant...to show that they too , can hurt others and get away with it. I say Switzerhell ( whether the Swiss or the rich criminals who became Swiss with money) is a society of pricks who don't deserve to live. Who am I to say that? Well it's just my vicious Swiss opinion. Until the world at least realizes the reality of this country and uses it as a " this is how low humans can get", I won't accept this place as "just another country". There are terrible things in the world, for me starting with the cruelty on animals, and for many with the hunger, the killings of people in the name of whatever, etc. But most of these acts in other countries are not hidden behind a clean safe beautiful image like Switzerland.

May 31rst

So I wonder why I am here in this country. Why things didn't work out for me in the US when I was there when I was younger. Well they worked out in a sense because for a Swiss girl like me I learned and lived pretty great experiences in the US. I took some wrong turns as well, not that I went into terrible things, but I made some wrong decisions. Yes we're supposed to think that we live what we live for a reason that either we have chosen or that God has chosen for us. But I didn't need all those years in Switzerhell to realize the filth of its people. I wanted a good life for myself. I guess I could be one these people who get trapped in the " we want what we don't want and we don't what we want ". That's probably because I was born in this filthy country that I am bit messed up like that. Not that people in other countries are never messed up, but neither my mother nor my father was an alcoholic, nor a violent person, but since everything is hidden in Switzerhell, people's issues have been hidden for generations. People are very messed up in their heads, but don't know where to start to get better since it's a big fat collective secret of crap bundled up in their brains. I feel like I got better because of the US, because of my dogs, but I can't get in line with myself since I am not where I want to be, doing what I want to do and having people I enjoy around me. I am stuck in this society where I hate every single habit of the people, the good ones and the bad ones. Yes I can say there are some good ones like one or two concerning recycling, and having the city streets cleaned in most places. I know they only do these things for their image. The Swiss, like other Europeans spend so much time in their bathrooms ( sometimes not to take a shower but to fix their hair, put make-up and perfume on) in the mornings. You see them come out and they look at themselves in every window they see. They don't try to be better people, nicer people, volunteer ( the only volunteers I met in Switzerhell are wives of expats), or even learn things that will then help someone or the world. Their image is what's important. Then as long as they play hypocrite, they think they are great citizens of the world! Even at the gym, the most important thing is how they look, not how good of a work out they try to get out of the hour in there, or how better their health could be if they worked out better. They just want to work out enough to loose weight, and to show that they were at the gym. Most people don't do much at all. They chat, and criticize, and chat, and criticize, and look at themselves in the mirror. It's not pretty but they like what they see.

I was walking Shiva by the lake the other night. A lot of young people were hanging around, sitting on benches, smoking and drinking. One guy said to me : " Ciao bella!" And then his whole crowd laughed really hard. And then he said: "Well ya you gotta give them some hope" ( in French). Most of the time in Switzerhell I am not trying to be pretty, I am trying to be average or ugly. Well I guess I succeeded! I were sweats or jeans. I was wearing sweats that night. My hair was in a bun, as always because I don't like to show hair in this country anymore. Anyway, of course I didn't look like the prettiest girl around. These were young men in their twenties. It didn't hurt me to hear that ( because I know that if I want to look pretty enough not to get that kind of comment, I can), but it made me think about the girl that is trying to look her best and hears this. These young drunk dudes who think they rule the world, and insult women on an every day basis. Like I always say, on the streets of Switzerhell, you will hear nasty vicious comments ( like the ones I got on my dog), but you will never hear the positive stuff. I have seen pretty girls walking around, looking really hot. Guys will stare with their moron looks, but they can't open their mouths to say anything nice! If they feel really bold that day because they are with their friends, they will say something funny ( to them), making fun of the woman, when they actually thought she was sexy, but they would never be able to tell her that. At least in France and Italy, you hear positive comments. I am thinking, why am I here? Why was I born here? Is it a challenge? I was doing great when I was younger. I thought I could go to the US, come back to Switzerhell and still enjoy life , knowing what to take in and what to reject. The amount of years that I have spent in this country now have been too much. And with all the crap that I had to take while having a big beautiful dog that these people didn't like. I hope I am not going to become a psychopath that will take her revenge, well deserved... But I am out of ideas to distract myself, to do things that will make life in this country bearable. I am out of ideas and I tolerate less and less from these people. I am afraid of what I can become when I know that if I got a bit of money and if I could go to the US and get my papers, I could be a great person, and a happy one, even if I have lost one of the big loves of my life, Shadow. I have loved that dog like a person, and I had my heart broken. I always felt threatened by men ( or ran away from ) who had their heart broken because I always thought they could never get over that person. I am so ok on my own, with my dog(s), that I don't yearn for love from a man. I of course want love that is really real, and that would feel right on many levels. I guess I am a bit of a loner. Even if without the presence of my dog Shiva now, I am not sure I could go on, hoping. He is so little. Sometimes I look at him and I think how does this small animal bring me so much love, joy and comfort? He is so little and so fragile in this cruel rough country. In the US, so many people acknowledged him in a good way, and it made me feel good as well as him. Here they jump on their high hatred horses and don't ever say anything nice to or about him. The Swiss are just not a loving people. That's the least I can say about these assholes!

　

June 1

When you sublet in Switzerhell, you have to expect the owner to come in when you're not around. The owner will tell you he won't come in. It took him a week for this one to come in. I have my methods to tell if someone was inside. Of course he didn't take anything, but he did try to get on my computer. Every time I rent a place, and the owner sees that there is no man with me, he decides he has the right to come and find out information about me. That's the way it is in Switzerhell, and with sublets, you don't necessarily have to be a woman alone, for the owner to come by and look at what is going on in her/ his apartment.

　

　

June 2nd

Today I went to the gym and I realized that when the owner writes the weight on dumbbells ( when it's not written on it when they buy them), it doesn't match the actual weight. The 24 kilos is heavier than the 25 kilos, the 45 kilo is heavier than the 47... If you count the plates, you can see it without lifting them. I told the manager. He said no, that couldn't be (especially if a woman dares tell him). Some dudes must have noticed it. I can't imagine that the dudes who lift heavy ( the few) wouldn't have noticed. The Swiss mentality is to not say anything if you can help it, especially if it's to help someone. They figured out that the weights are wrong and keep the knowledge to themselves. It represents the Swiss. They don't want to help anyone, and they thrive on the feeling that they know something that others don't and could hurt others by the same token. I mean these feelings are useful or known to be true in world business when you have big amounts of money involved, or when people try to get ahead in their career. They are competitive feelings and actions but in everyday life, for little things, people should have the common sense not to try to hurt or bug other people, but rather help when it doens't take much effort. I know that's how people are mostly, in the US, and in other parts of the world.

At the gym, I heard this guy talk about the fact that he had to pay a higher price for a car insurance because he is a foreigner. He is from Bosnia, but speaks perfect French and looks Swiss even ( well a bit better looking ). I know these Swiss scum try to get away with murder, but I didn't know they could get away with asking for more money for insurance, to whoever they felt like. I have also heard in the past, foreigners getting ripped off when they got their cars fixed at a garage. I knew women would get ripped off all the time, but I didn't know the Swiss tried it on foreign men, too. What a daring bunch...

The Swiss screw foreigners and women, and get away with it, except ( thank you, they don't ALWAYS get away with it) when they end up scamming rich foreigners who the Swiss, by accident thought were not so rich! That's a fact. Nothing of the sort is ever in the news either. The Swiss not only get to keep their great image all over the world, but feel great about themselves. Tourists will only see Swiss people in their beautiful gardens, gardening all day , or pretend to garden when they're really looking at what people ( neighbors, etc) do, at what time, with who, to then throw a comment here and there. But if they know you're a tourist or a rich person, they will smile from their lame gardens, and say hello, like polite citizens! Pucky pucke!

June 2rd

In the name of "not helping" and messing with people: An anglophone older man came into a tobacco store and asked if the owner, who was working there at the time spoke English. He said yes. The old man then asked how much was a particular pack of cigarettes. The owner thought he was gona buy it. So he took the pack and the old man said: "Oh I just want to know how much it is". The owner wasn't happy but understood. He then just showed him the price written in small numbers on the back of the pack, but didn't say it out loud. He did it on purpose. It bugged him that the man was not going to buy, and he saw it was an old man who may not see well. So he showed him the price with his finger, even though he spoke English. The old man kept asking how much as he couldn't see the small number. I was right there waiting in line. I saw this idiot Swiss owner who would not say the number out loud. The old man was trying to look and figure it out. I finally went up there and told him the price. He said thank you and left. The owner felt really good about himself, doing that kind of idiocity and getting away with it. The Swiss are so messed up that they think: " who does he think he is, wanting to know a price without buying". The Swiss are not used to that, so it bugs them. That owner wasn't thinking that that old man was a customer, and that he had the right to ask for a price, or that he was maybe going to buy something else. He wasn't thinking that the old man might have just moved to this town and may a customer that he lost. It's like any store where they wait until the customer says hello to then say hello back in a pitiful tone. Everyone in Switzerhell is despicable that it doesn't fathom them.

Also, this afternoon, I called the one and only Swiss tv station from the french part, asking why the 2 language option that they offer usually on some US series and movies, wasn't working today. I was watching a show that I usually get in English. The woman that I got transferred to, answered rudely: " it is working, listen!" She had me listen to the English version. Whether it was a cable problem or a TV problem, it wasn't working at the apartment I was staying at, but she could have been a bit more helpful and especially more pleasant...I wonder what would happen if everyone stopped watching that Swiss channel all together! Yes I know most Swiss don't really care if the person answering the phone is not polite nor pleasant.

Some Swiss know about some atrocities that go on in the world or in their country, but don't care, or say that they can't do anything. Like this older guy last night by the lake who was telling me that his dog came from puppy mill from Rumania. He was saying that these Rumanians (...) will do anything for money. How about doing something to stop that? That man is retired. He has the time and I am sure the money, to go out there or go on the web, find out something he could do to help.... Well at least he walks his dog!

June5th

Barack Obama was right when he said that all those American companies with their headquarters in Switzerland take away jobs from American people. These companies not only pay taxes ( not that many..) to Switzerhell instead of the US , but also give jobs to Swiss people. I have nothing against giving employment to people, but when it is making a filthy country like Switzerhell even richer, to be able to get away with more crime and dirty money, it makes it wrong. I don't even blame the US for wanting to take over the world, because the world would probably be a better place if they did. But I think that the US should help its people first, before helping the Swiss get employment. I understand that US companies want to pay less taxes, but do you have to help the devil in order to pay less taxes?

June 6th

Last night I saw an episode of Desperate Housewives where one of the women had tried to tell the cops her husband was beating her for years and since the husband was a cop, his fellow police officers who knew him and liked him, never believed her and would always loose the paper work that the wife had filled out. Well at least she got to fill out some forms... In Switzerhell, it's not once or twice that a story like that happens, it's all the time and not only with cops but with fellow male dominant "buddies". For sure in Switzerhell cops don't beat their wives. You'll never get any sign of a proof. Regular guys beat their wives both physically and mentally. Women have for generations be taught to shut up in many countries. In Switzerhell, in 2009, women still stay quiet many times to keep themselves and their children safe. Only very rich women get to open their mouths, some of the time, if they're not being advised to stay quiet by more influential people.

I know these things happen in the world, in different countries. What bothers me again ( I repeat myself), is that Switzerhell is seen as this nice, if not perfect place where human rights are respected, when in reality they're not! Switzerhell shows the world that it takes refugees from various countries around the world and gives these refugees food and lodging. "Look how nice we, the Swiss, are"! These guys then have to deal with the everyday Swiss when they live here of course, which are not so nice. If racism exists in Switzerhell like in a lot of places, the Swiss find it in their primitive heads to look down on them, as if the Swiss society was more advanced than any of those refugees'. Many African countries have more of an evolved society, humanly speaking than the Swiss. It just amazes me how this Swiss country can keep this image for years. Is there a Swiss fund where the rich put money , that works on subconscious messages to the world, to keep that squeaky clean image? I wonder sometimes.

June 6th

It's funny at the gym, the Swiss think I am scared of people because I run away from them. I just don't like them and try to stay away. I don't show it ( except when they really stink I can't help making a face), that I am getting away from them because I don't like them so they shouldn't feel ticked off by the fact that I moved when they approached. If they minded their own business and actually worked out, they wouldn't notice. I am there doing my thing on a machine and one of these pricks comes to the machine next to me and as he or she sits down, he makes sure he stares long enough and hard enough to make me have the knowledge that he is there, of course in which case I should look at him to acknowledge him or her by either saying hello, bowing my head forward, or smiling at them. That's how things work in this country. Some might actually like that: small country... saying hello to people all the time. Sure that seems friendly. But then I have to ask, why can't these people say "excuse me" when they bump into someone (in the bus, supermarket, train, movies)? The only time I ever heard someone excuse themselves when they push someone by accident, is at work. They are afraid of being fired so they all of a sudden start being hypocritically polite again, which they should be all the time if they want a country where people acknowledge each other's presence everywhere. At the gym, which is by the way a good representation of society since all kinds of people ( rich , poor, sick, healthy, etc) go there, I insist on staying concentrated on what I am doing which is working out, what I came for ( not for socializing or looking at people). Dogs are known to make themselves seen by other dogs. But even dogs don't push their presence on other dogs as hard as these Swiss people, unless they're very dominant puppies. I try to look at the bright side and, of course if it's very cute guy who approaches me and looks at me, which is as rare as a pink rat, then I'll look at him and his staring will make me smile or laugh, which will then be a good thing. Seriously I don't want to spend one second of my life around these filthy Swiss, but right now I am stuck spending days. You know the dudes who make their presence known in the gym to people individually are not to be compared with someone who wants to make his or her presence known to a group by being extravagant or loud which doesn't bother me because I won't have to respond since it's not on me personally. The extravagant type which is rare in Switzerhell but exists, will rarely bother my dog and I on the street. But the type who wants to be acknowledged on an individual basis, would need me to stop near him on the street, talk to him about the breed of my dog for an hour, compliment him on whatever, etc. And that doesn't even certify the lack of insults from him, in my back. This type usually walks down the street and gives me and my big dog the dirtiest look to make sure I understand that I and my dog are not welcome on "his" streets and in "his" town. Of course these are dominant ego-centric behaviors. The Swiss are used to have their environment very controlled. They are used to know what is going on ,on every street and can't stand when things get different. And it has gotten different within the last 20 years which creates such a deep frustration inside them, and since they re not used to expressing themselves, they keep it inside and it transforms into hatred and backstabbing. There is such a fat hidden hatred in Switzerhell, it makes me sick. The Swiss have always been hypocritical with their neighbors, family members, and been taught not to say much. So when it comes out, it's very ugly. Now with immigration, the Swiss can't stand all this diversity in how people look and act, and they hate and hate without being able to do anything except stabbing people in the back while being careful that they don't get caught. All the foreigners who mix with the Swiss start hating them just as much when they realize how much the Swiss hate really them. Most tourists visit Switzerhell in groups, so they don't feel that cloud of hatred hanging like gas, about to explode. I have lived here alone for many years and when you're alone you feel things a bit more.

So yes I am afraid. I run away from them at the gym when they get too close because for one I feel their disgusting vibe and since they don't like my different way of being either, I am afraid of their filthy comments which now that my Shadow is gone, I won't let swing by me anymore. I won't stay quiet anymore. I am afraid of what I would do to them. Hatred and fear are linked. They are not good healthy feelings I agree. However, I have seen many women in Switzerhell who fall into deep depression, then stay on medication for years and never really recover. Hatred to me is the tiny step up from depression, and self-destruction, which I have never let myself fall into. I guess coming back to Switzerhell was self-destruction but I didn't know better, I hoped that it could work out, 10 years ago, and again 5 years ago. Before I found out the real filth of people after having lived alone for a while, and then with a dog of breed they dislike, I had nothing against the slow boring uninteresting Swiss, really. I had nothing against stores closing early and being closed on Sundays. All these details I had been exposed to as a child seemed like things I didn't love but could live with.

June 10th

I went to a bakery which I like, this morning where they actually make their bread and most pastries ( others will buy frozen stuff and just cook it in the morning). It is funny to taste the huge difference in pastries between France where they are so delicate and sweet, and tasty, and the Swiss where they are mostly gross. So I went inside with my positive attitude of the morning, when I haven't yet seen or interacted with a Swiss. As soon as I walk in the bakery, this woman looks at me and waits for me to say hello which I don't because I wait for her to say it. So she then says "bonjour" in her Swiss awkward constipated way. It makes me cringe. Some of these Swiss people are not good at hiding how uncomfortable they are in their skin, in their bodies, on this planet. It makes me cringe, I can't help it. I can ignore it enough to buy my tasty bread ( I found some good in that one bakery in the whole region) and a piece of that apricot tart that doesn't taste too bad. Well since we are not far from France, there are French bakers who work in Switzerhell here and there. I must say though I can't believe how good the bakeries are in France and how gross the pastries and bread are in Switzerhell. But at least at this particular bakery, they are nice, and when they are friendly in Switzerhell, there is always that uncomfortable feeling, because it is more natural for them to be nasty, which I never really understood but I know well, having grown up here. The Swiss are not comfortable with who they are, not that they should be because their true selves are nothing to get excited about. But I bet you that some of the very few people who are nice deep down can't even be left alone and are prosecuted in every way by their fellow citizens. I guess it's hard to feel that comfort and ease living in Switzerhell then, except they don't know that , they think their life is the best there is, and then still feel and act so awkward. What a bummer of a country.... To say the least.

　

June 11th

I was at the supermarket, waiting in line. This old man discreetly goes in front of me ( that ty’spical in Switzerhell). Usually they hope you won't say anything, and as soon as you say something, they act stupid ( not that they aren't..) and go back to their spot. Today this guy didn't want to go back, he was trying to explain to me that he didn't have any groceries. I didn't get why he didn't go straight to the cashier if it was just a question. He had to go in front of me, and there were two people in front of me. So I started to talk louder and tell him to go to the back of the line, or go ask a question quickly. He didn't want to move. In a normal country like the US, other people standing in line will say something to help the situation ( I have witnessed it), but here no one opens their mouth, they stare. They probably don't have an opinion so they can't talk. Yes he was older than me, and we're supposed to respect our elders.. but seriously these circumstances make me wanna grab these people and kick them like punching bags, because that's really what they are asking for. Of course then the Swiss would call the cops when they see that I am a woman alone, they would arrest me and put me in jail! I can't stand this place.

Earlier today I saw this older lady with 2 small dogs. I stopped for my dog and she started telling me how much crap she has to take from people. She was blaming things on " something wrong with humanity". I told her that these small "destroying your life things" ( that's what she said ) are only so predominant in Switzerhell. Crime is one thing, but people bugging women until they loose it, is only in Switzerhell. She acted like she didn't hear me when I told her it was only in Switzerhell, and kept saying that there is a problem with humanity... She said people were messing up her cars ( she had had a few over the years), breaking her windows ( of her apartment), slash her tires ( I knew it didn't only happen to me, and it makes me feel good only thinking that my big dog wasn't the only reason people messed with me, even if I know they mess with women who live alone). The lady also said that people killed one of her dogs and the vet killed another one by "accident"...

Welcome to Switzerland!!!

June 12th

My SIM card ( phone card that has all my numbers, pics and history) was stolen in my locker while I was at the gym. It's probably some punk who I dared not smile back at, or didn't acknowledge. These Swiss bastards will mess with people's lives because of little things or just because they can.... I am SOOOOOOOO sick of this filthy part of humanity!!!

June 16th

I am still in my sublet. The owner of the apartment does not live in the building but he has his "spy" on the premises. The spy is an old man who does nothing but look around, walk around the building all day. It is not very different from other old Swiss men's lifestyles. This rich old man ( he lives on the top floor)looks into my window in the morning without feeling ashamed. I am on the ground floor. I have to close the shutters again during the day in the bedroom because of him. So this old man walks around and has already done a few productive things... He went to cut the electricity when I was doing laundry, because even if there is no sign on the laundry door that people are not supposed to do laundry at certain times, according to these old Swiss, everyone is supposed to know that no one does laundry between 12 and 2, which is lunch time and the Swiss who all eat at the same time, don't like to be disturbed at that time. Some of them don't eat at that time but it has been like that for centuries, that no one is to be doing laundry at that time. In reality, in cities, there are usually signs on the laundry doors which say when it is allowed to do laundry. Most places allow the whole day non-stop until 10 pm. So this old man cut the electricity to let me know ( even if he didn't show his face and didn't admit doing this ) that I was not to do laundry at that time. Well I am Swiss and know that. A real foreigner would have tried to do laundry again at that time, not knowing what was up. On another day, this man put a dirty plastic bag in front of my door. I first took it and trashed it, thinking it was the wind. The second time, I put the bag on top of the mailboxes so that no one would step on it. It wasn't mine. At night I came "home" and the bag was in front of my door again. There was no wind. I know that it was this old man, he is the only person walking around the place and doing nothing! So I put a note saying the bag wasn't mine and thanking whoever for not putting trash in front of my door. Then the note and the bag disappeared. aside from just bugging me, he wanted to remind me that I was supposed to pick up dog ( Shiva) poop around the area. I had picked up and I always do. This man also went to the owner saying that I was taking showers with the TV on. Swiss people can't comprehend much, less tolerate when people leave the TV on while doing something else. It is a waste of electricity and people should be punished for doing things like that. So the owner asked me if I left the TV on when I leave the place, and I asked him why he would ask such a thing. He then told me that this old man was hearing the TV and the shower at the same time. This old man would have to be behind my door to hear this. He lives upstairs and I am on the ground floor, he couldn't hear that from his place. This man represents the old Swiss community very well. Switzerhell is a very filthy place to live unless you can really not care about these assholes at all, ever. Even if you don't care, there is always a time when you will get upset and your life will be messed with. Very few people can ignore the Swiss and not be bothered. I remember teaching French to this Swedish wife of a Swedish guy who was working for a big international corporation, and he was really busy and didn't give a f**** about the Swiss. I was at their house teaching his wife. There were workers building a pool in their garden. They were Swiss. I would hear them speak. I don't think they knew I was from here, they thought I was a friend of that woman, since we would laugh during her lessons. One of them started saying that there was a problem and that they should wait for something or someone to make things right, and the boss said no and that they had to do with what they had, hoping it would "swing". Five minutes later, the electricity went off. The workers had messed up and cut the cables by accident. The Swedish guy was working on his computer, had an online business meeting. He came downstairs and got really upset. I had to translate, as it was the first time this Swedish guy needed to have a conversation with some Swiss people. This guy was so mad, and the Swiss didn't even apologize. They were saying that it just happened, it was an accident and that was that. They said they were trying to call an electrician who would come to fix this. This Swedish guy couldn't believe it. This couple then left Switzerhell, 6 months later, because of all the little things that happened to them, even if they had planed on staying for 5 years. They had 2 children who were going to school.

June 20th

I must say the food in Switzerhell is not the best. When I go to the supermarket, the only thing I buy that is Swiss is milk , chocolate and some yogourt. The vegetable is often stale. The best chicken is the one imported from France. I like going to France to shop, even if with the Euro it is sometimes more expensive than in Switzerhell ( when we convert Swiss francs into Euros).

Later that day.....

This Senegalese guy who worked at the horrible hotel school I worked at, once told me that I would only be truly happy once I had no more dogs. It got to me and I thought he was a real asshole for saying that, not knowing me, and not knowing how much I care for those dogs. He is supposed to have psychic abilities, according to him and some colleagues... Well I can now see what he saw in me. He saw the other me who would come out if I have no more dogs. If I loose Shiva now I will loose all fear whatsoever and will kill as many Swiss as I can before getting caught. I have been frustrating with these people for years now. I have suffered from their hatred for me and my big dog, and their actions around that. I have taken their s*** for years with the desire to rebel or worse take action to get revenge, but haven't acted on it, in order to stay with my dogs forever. It turns out, they not only poisoned my dog but made his life so uncomfortable. I suffered from his early death ( he was eight), I ached for a month. Then I cried for two. I went to the US, felt better, or distracted rather. I came back and was hoping I would win the Lotto to go right back to the US. I now realize that my hatred for the Swiss is at its peak. They killed my boy, one of the 2 only beings on this planet that I really care about. There is nothing about these people which I like that would make me believe that some of them are great people, because none of them are. And since I am Swiss despite my choice , I have that ugly viciousness in me that came from them. My true feelings today are that I need to kill at least one Swiss to feel better, to start to feel free. I think I am so frustrated with these Swiss people every single day that I can't get to a point where I can start to attract what I really want. I truly feel like starting to kill at least one of the bastards that has messed with me. It would be liberating. I know it's a dilemma to do this and get away with it because me and Shiva are bonded, there is no way in hell, heaven or anywhere in the universe that we will be separated, ever.

It's funny because as soon as I landed in the US, I became my better self and as soon as I landed back in Switzerhell, I became my frustrated self again. I have, so many times, worked on loosing that frustration, by meeting fun guys who distract me enough for a while that I forget about it for a bit until another Swiss comes in my face with some threat and the frustration comes back, I can't fight it. The only way to fight it is to fight back, and that would mean hurt or kill. I would like to just punch someone, and who knows I might get punched back. The problem is I know that this is not a normal country where if I as a woman punch someone, will be put in jail for too long or be put in a nut house for the rest of my life. I know I have a better me, someone who cares about people and about animals a lot. That person only comes out in the US, fully. I know it sounds silly, and some would say I have to learn to be me wherever I am. Of course I feel things for dogs and cats here too but when I look at how people treat them, I want to scream, kick, crash humans. I know other countries treat animals badly, but again, I think Switzerhell has enough money to help animals better than countries like the US even if they wanted to. But they dont have it in them.

I just talked to this old lady with her dog today. She told me she fell by the lake a few months earlier, and she asked the first 2 people who passed by to help her get up. The 2 people barely looked at her and kept on walking. I hear stories like that all the time, when I talk to women.

I am at a point where I need to fight back, to let my true happy violent self come out to ease my pain, and to start feeling free and happy. I feel then I 'll be able to attract what I want in life. It may not be the noble road, but it may be the only one I can take. Because now I am blocked, stuck. I have tried to work on being happy anyway, doing a lot of activities I love. It only works temporarily. I feel happy for a bit and as soon as a Swiss messes with me I fall back in the frustration because I can't fight back, because I know that men can get away with crime and not women, so I have carried this fear, fear of doing what I want to these people, and not being able to get away. Fear. Not fear of them because I know their favorite activities are to mess up people's lives without necessarily killing them, so they can look at the people they mess with and see them miserable. That is their favorite sport in their Swiss rich life. So I am afraid of what I can do to them. I see myself strangling them, knocking their heads with an umbrella, a dumbbell at the gym, the sticks that they walk with, etc. It is not healthy, but I am writing this to share the truth about what this whole society has made be become. Sure I have to take a hold of myself and try to evolve, alone within the filth. I have to fight. I have to realize that killing people is not what I want to do in life. I do. Liking to live alone is not an asset in Switzerhell. I am trying to get my head out of the water, but I feel what I feel for now.

I can't pray God and truly want happy thoughts when I need to do this revenge thing first. That's what I am thinking right now. It is not only revenge , it is something I need to do and for my sanity and happiness. I now don't see any other way to free myself. I still do want what I want and that doesn't include jail, so I will have to be smart. I don't see how else to explore my dark Swiss side , to let it go once and for all. So many people need to explore their dark side. I haven't. I was an easy going child, a mild teenager, and I thought I could find my way to being a cool adult. Instead I have this rage. Of course it is linked to my childhood, to the Swiss parents who didn't know better. Therefore I don't blame them. Doing good things for others would help me, and I did that when I was in the US, which helped me a lot. But in Switzerhell I am stuck, with no love left for people. Most people who help others have done bad things in the past. They feel bad and have asked for forgiveness but they needed to do it to free themselves. I kept thinking that I could bypass the step of hurting others to free me. I have never killed anyone, hurt, sent to the hospital, even knocked out, kicked in the stomach, nothing. I have grabed people by their clothes when I knew that's all they needed to have some sense into them. I have been mean to my Shadow sometimes because I was frustrated and I needed him to be perfect and didn't have patience. And I could kill people only because they have brought that frustration into me which made me temporarily stop loving my baby. I know that I have to cherish the ones I love. But I was angry, and when I am angry, I forget love ( silly to say but important to remember that those angry moments are a waste of life). I still have anger sometimes, but only directed at people who I don't care for. Well if I have a big dog trying to attack a little dog or something like that, a kick is required, but only on these rare occasions. Shadow never attacked a small dog, he did a few times start a "fight" with a big dog and then couldn't handle it. I sometimes kicked him because he started it when he was young, but I most often kicked the other dog who would start a "fight" and not stop. Dogs do get into it like kids, it's natural. Dogs also bite sometimes, some people forget. Of course raising dogs to be friendly is the goal but if a dog bites ( not chews into pieces), it shouldn't be the end of the world. The dog should be helped, to feel good and balanced enough in life not to have to bite. In Switzerhell, many dogs bite, but it only alarms them when it is a dog of the 13 breeds! I just hate these Swiss people for creating their Swiss environment where they hate certain breeds and have the right to insult people with such dogs. And these are not ghetto people, these are people with nice villas and much money.

I can't stand these Swiss. I can't even stand the foreigners who live in Switzerhell anymore, because they are or become Swiss in a way or another. I feel it's not empty ( without a reason) hatred like the Swiss, the foreigners hate in response to the hatred they get. Every day there is an event to drive me nuts in this country: where either a man walks by me without giving room and pushing me because he can, on the street, supermarket or other places. Or, a man who stares nastily and then laughs at me when he sees I don't like it, because he can. A guy at the gym who passes by me so close and touches me every time without saying excuse me, because he can.. A woman who stares at me in the locker's room because I look more muscular than any of them and it's not normal...without saying anything...Of course staring while saying something really positive to the person makes it ok, but that NEVER happens in Switzerhell. A man who gives you less change than he is supposed to when a woman pays for something, thinking it's a woman and it's ok to try to rip her off, and when we say something he is sorry. All those little things are heavy but not as heavy as the dirty looks on my dog...A comment on where my dog is supposed to piss or not piss on a public street. Some old man spying on me and showing me he is spying on me and the big dog, because he can....A driver driving 2 inches in the back of my car because I am a woman and he is not scared.... on and on and on.... there is not one day that these Swiss people don't act disgustingly. The worst thing is that they pretend to do every thing right, yell at you when you say that they don't. They call the cops on you every time they can. Sure I can ignore most of these things if they happen once a week, a month, but every day? No. Most single women accept those things. Like my mother said : it's the price to pay if you want to live alone and be single!! and have dogs! If at least I had a great fascinating job and a great bunch of friends! But these things are impossible to find in Switzerhell! People, Swiss or who decide to live here don't think like me. The only people I can talk to on a regular basis are foreigners who don't speak French, who just arrived.

Anyway it's not a dead end, it is a place I know I hate. There is a country in this world I know I hate. Well it's more than I can say for people who live in one place all their lives and don't know if they would love or hate living in other countries. So I should feel privileged. Why do I not? I know there is a place I like to live in, the US, and especially some places in particular in the US. I know the US is not paradise. There are many evil people ( who have issues they haven't been able to resolve) like anywhere else. The way I feel today: I understand and feel for people who kill others for specific reasons, because I know how life can lead us there, through one painful path or another. People who hurt animals I can't understand though. People often put their frustration which they can't put on people, on animals, but it's a transfer on creatures that did nothing to these humans. I got upset a few times at how he behaved, at how he didn't listen perfectly and didn't obey when he knew what he had to do, but I would never hurt an animal just to hurt an animal. Some people do that, all over the world. That, I hate with a passion. I know the US is not a perfect society yet, but people are always trying to make life better, in one way or another. In Switzerhell they work hard on trying to keep things the way they have been for centuries. It's objectively a country I don't like as well.

On Swiss news they talk about how much rape there is in other countries, like South Africa and Congo. They never talk about rape in Switzerhell ( once a year when the story is known by a whole city already). They don't talk about the fact that women are raped all the time but don't file complaints because women have been taught that if they provoked the guy a little, then it's their fault. If it's their boyfriend or husband, they also know that they shouldn't complain.

June 23rd

I believe yesterday was the first time I actually did something with my mind power. Usually and for the last 5, 6 years ( not so much when I am in the US), I have had bad period pain. I have gone to the emergency room twice in my life because of that pain, when I forgot to bring a painkiller pill with me and the pain went to a level of horror. I usually take at least one pill at the very beginning of my period, and then I feel it out if I need another one the next day or not. The first day is usually the killer, as far as the level of pain. Well yesterday as I saw the first drop of blood, I thought if I want to make my life happen, if I want to attract the things I really want in this life, I have to start with little things. I thought if I can't stop my period pain, how am I going to win the Lotto? So I had the pill with me but left the apartment without taking it. I thought about my period being soothing. I thought and focused on it. Well for the first time in Switzerhell, I didn't take my pain pill and I was fine. I even went to the gym and even if I didn't push myself, I worked out and was fine. I did it!

Then last night, I had a dream, the dream that I had made my Shadow come back. He was back! I had done that too! Well that's not reality yet, but anyway I want to wait until Shiva and I are in the US to make Shadow come back because he, like me, hates Switzerhell! Shiva is the only great loving soul that loves it everywhere, as long as I am there. It's not that everyone likes him in Switzerhell. Many people don't even see him. Many people don't like dogs or don't care about them. In the US, we were there for 10 days and so many people would say how cute Shiva is, or at least say hi to the doggy . Here it never happens. In Switzerhell I once every blue moon will meet an old lady who wants to pet him or who says he is cute.

Anyway I feel I made my powers work over events today. Well my own body I guess is the easiest because it's mine. Now I have to make outside circumstances happen!

June 26th

It is amazing how these Swiss people don't think a woman can do anything, how un-scared they are of a woman, and how incapable they think a woman is. I am here in a new town renting an apartment, short term. An old man rented it out to me, and he has an old man in the building, his spy who I found out has the key as well: going in my apartment when I am not there. Having a dog I can tell when we come back in. He smells the floor in a certain way when someone has come by. I sometimes put little scotch tape on the floor. Well I have a bunch of little things like that that I had thought of when I lived in that vicious village where the concierge used to come in my apartment. So I know how to find out if someone came in. The old Swiss comes in to find out info, look around, not to steal. They come in, move a few things around to show you they were in, because most of the time they don't have a clue that the little things they step on like scotch tape is there for me to find out if they were there. They close a window, or open one. They want me ( or others) to know they were there, but they also know that since they didn't take anything, nor break anything, I can't go to the cops because I have no real proof. And God knows that the cops would need real big concrete proof for a woman to file a complaint about someone who came in her apartment. I know this French woman who lived alone in Switzerhell. She got robbed. They came in through the window that they broke. They stole a lot of musical and IT equipment, money and official papers. The cops didn't believe her, and said she broke the window herself to make her insurance company pay for new stuff. I know some people try to do that. I know that she wasn't lying. The cops didn't allow her to file the complaint and never got any money from her insurance.

Last night I had a friend over, and we were talking on the balcony. He was saying that he wanted to go clubbing. I told him that I don't go clubbing because there was too much smoke all around. I hadn't smelled smoke on the balcony, but today the old man next door smokes his pipe and cigars on his balcony. Now that he heard and knows I dislike smoke, I guess he will do it everyday. The couple next door had been living there for years, so it was not like they just moved in. The man just never smoke on the balcony before. Since it is summer, I am on the balcony every afternoon. This man is unique in his scum ways. When I lived in the rotten village of hell, my neighbors would also smoke profusely right outside their windows when they found out that I couldn't stand it. These are not mere patterns of one or two morons, but of the whole Swiss filthy population. You could say people like to smoke near their windows sometimes because someone in their household doesn't like it, or, they just don't want to infest their apartment. Sure, but there is a difference with a light smell that flows to my place and the smoke that is constantly coming in my direction. When it is summer, one needs to have windows open. When I lived in that rotten village I was living in a studio so I only had one window.

July 3rd

Switzerhell is a fiend. Switzerhell has the largest amount of fiends per kilometer, per mile, per square inch. The more I live here the more I can't believe this country exists. I have lived in various apartments in Switzerhell, and everywhere I go, people mess with me. I know it's not only me, but women who live alone, mostly, some weak men, some foreigners. I have ben working on not hating this place and its people, because I have realized ( well Robert Collier and some other writers have helped) that hating is giving too much energy to these people. So I insist on not hating, but ignoring or disliking, but it is work in progress.

If you live in the US, you probably think there are lots of crooks and criminals around and that life is tough because you never know where and who those people are. Well imagine for a second that most people and I mean almost all people around are those criminals. They might not all kill people every day, and they might be very discreet but messing with women's lives( and its not just me : I am talking to more and more young and old women who suffer in society) or whoever they can mess with. No matter the reason, whether it is to show how strong they are ( as frustrated idiot citizens or as men), or how much they can get away with, in their country. I find it disgusting that so much hate and backstabbing goes on in this small rich country. I can understand crime, theft to feed the families in poor countries. Some countries in Africa like Senegal and Guinea for example, may be poorer than Switzerhell but humanly, they are richer and more evolved, more civilized, more respectful.

Even if most foreign men who move to Switzerhell enjoy the fact that they have a lot of rights over women, like raping them if they get to the point where people have seen them together enough to say they are dating, or staring at women everywhere and saying whatever comes to their mind, or harassing them and bullying them in every way, etc. A lot of men are glad to live in Switzerhell for that little luxury. The cops won't hurt them or arrest them nor will they have any gang that protects a woman that will retaliate on their butt. So life is good for men. Being American in my heart, I appreciate the laws that make sense to me there ( well most of them). Having to live here in Switzerhell where it is the only place that I'm allowed to work, is difficult, mostly these men's crap on an everyday basis. Women I know here including my mother laugh about the fact that men hate having a woman drive properly or drive faster than them. They also say that women can't drive. It makes most Swiss women laugh. I can't laugh about those things. I can't stand the men. How can they laugh when men cut them off or drive really close to them and put them in danger. Swiss women also think that men drive so well that they have total control over their vehicle! Switzerhell is the only place where I listen to hardcore rap and feel great with it. When I am in the US I don't feel the need to listen to aggressive hardcore rap. I'll always like some good rap or hip hop. I guess being Swiss, the stuff about calling women bitches is not really a big deal compared to how women are actually treated in Swiss society. This treatment hides behind a " we are a modern nation like Northern America and other countries in Europe where women have rights". The laws might say this and that. But most women who are or live alone in Switzerhell know the laws are a bunch of crap, when it comes to women.

I am at the point where I wonder if I can win anything in life anymore because I am so fed up with living in this crap country and have built so much hatred in me that I feel contaminated. I know I want great things to happen to me, but I don't know if I have it in me to desire those things more than appeasing my urges to kill those bastards. I pray to God that I can desire great things and make them happen instead of being left in this hell hole and doing the only thing I have to do to survive and to feel better. I will not let these people destroy me completely. But I am still young and if I could only attract great things to me, be able to get out of this country forever. There is hope for me. I know I don't need therapy, because I am just very sensitive and deal with things in my own stubborn way. I anyway don't believe in old-school psychology. I think it is time to evolve and drop the old books. In Switzerhell there is a saying that says that women all have a tendency to go crazy, unstable, psychologically sick, while men are always stable in their heads...

I have to say thank you to the American women in the past who have fought for women's rights, not only in the law books but in real life situations. Thank you. Thank you that there is such a place. I know a few other countries are like that. I just focus on the US because it's the place I like and I know best , outside of Switzerhell.

I have heard many Africans tell me ( I know Senegal for sure) that women in their country are respected and have power in everyday life. I think there is the issue of men feeling that they are men enough not to have to bully women. Swiss are always scared that women get too many rights that they make sure they keep them down, both in society and in their heads. Swiss men are not men enough. They have to prove to others and themselves that they are stronger than women.

July 7th

The 7/7. July 7th. Seven was one of Shadow's tattooed numbers in his ear. There also is a huge jackpot at the Cal Lottery Megamillions tonight. I have a ticket. I had bought a two month ticket when I was in the US. Who am I to dream of such a big piece of luck? That's the thing most people would think and which was ingrained in me as well. I am trying to fight or let go ; do whatever to start believing that I can win, because deep down I know I can, but I have to believe, because I don't yet. I hope, I dream but it's in my dream world, far away from this reality. I know it's a crazy thought to win over the amazing odds, but it is not impossible, and that makes me feel good. The thing is I have to believe instead of just having these game hopes as a "feel better medicine". I want it to appear in my life.

July 8th

I found a studio in Lausanne... The city I was born in...I have this vision of this month being some kind of closure on my years in Switzerhell. If events work out my way, then I could leave this country forever and never ever miss it! Anyway the noise we hear in this building! I hear the neighbors cough, barf...and in the morning, the one who takes a shower at 5:30 AM is taking a shower about 2 inches from my face, in bed... I hear the water run as if it was touching my head. Every time she or he puts the shower head on the side of the tub, it sounds like the wall is caving in ... It's absolutely marvelous... I have a view on the parking lot of the next building. There is always some dude who sits in his car, or works on the beauty of his car for hours in front of my balcony. After all it's all about the image. Since other people can see the inside and outside of their car, they want to keep it really clean. The inside of their apartment or the inside of their souls are not that clean! I know people all over the world are not perfect but most of them don't pretend to be, and the Swiss do! The Swiss hold that perfect image among themselves and in the world. Many countries think that Switzerhell is not only really clean and beautiful , but that people are perfect in many ways as well, when in reality they are filthier than the dirtiest people you can think of.

　

June 12th

Last night, I went to a music festival where I wanted to see 50 cent. An American friend of mine and I went there. We saw 2 other bands/ singers and then 50. An hour before 50 cent came on stage, as the crew was setting up, the young Swiss crowd that was arriving to see 50, started pushing like crazy, wanting to be in the front. It went on for a whole hour. These animals ( has nothing to do with the fact that 50 cent attracts an aggressive crowd. These kids are mostly rich white kids who live in nice homes or apartments and are considered average students) were pushing and making everyone fall, fall off balance, step on each other's feet, punch each other with elbows ( on purpose or not), etc. There was no security aside from an old man watching this whole scene from the stage, not saying a word, not doing a thing. I presume just watching for the future need to call the ambulance ( they did have to bring a few kids to the on-site medical center a few times). The thing is it's not because the Swiss are such big fans of 50 cent, and that they get all emotional. They don't. Gangster rap just brings out a violent side in these idiot Swiss young men, who don't really know where their violence comes from. They just long to control everything, and as the same time, they have never learned to live and interact in society properly. They have learned to have fear of certain people and to bully others, just like any Swiss. It is just not in the Swiss culture . Swiss culture will only teach their kids to eat with their knives and forks, and in good families they learn not to burp, spit or fart in public! That's it. Security was not telling people to stop hurting the weaker of the crowd by pushing like crazy in all directions. It was an hour of nightmare before 50 came on, and then it went on during the whole 2 and a half hour concert! I couldn't believe how these kids couldn't enjoy the concert at all. They only wanted to push, and push and push. Basically all the bigger guys had made their way to the front. This was mostly a white Swiss crowd with a couple of Africans here and there. So the taller guys got to the front. A few guys had a girl with them, but otherwise, it was all guys. The taller bigger guys in the front, and everyone in the back of them couldn't see a thing. This pushing around circus was very serious too, no one would crack a joke, a smile nor try to feel the music or dance . I saw 50 cent a few times in between 2 tall men's heads, as I was shuffled from side to side in the crowd, trying to keep my feet in the crowd, and not having people step on my feet. I had worn open shoes and so many people stepped on my feet, I should have worn military boots. I have been to hip hop concerts in the US, and it wasn't like this! In smart civilized nations, if security doesn't monitor the crowd, people will at some point stop pushing around so much to maybe enjoy the concert a bit, dance a little to the great music they came to see.... The Swiss are a bunch of brainless 2 legged-beings who always push and create insane human packs. It is the same when people go to the movies. Unless the theatre has narrow ropes to keep people in line, people gather in a big bunch, pushing into the doorway to get through the door before Joe or Jack.... At the post office, they had to create a system of take-a-number so that people would not push and step in front of other people. It is mainly to keep idiots from pushing an old lady just to get to the booth before her. Everywhere people have to stand in line, people push like a big pack of hungry dogs going for their food. And actual dogs will be more organized... At the supermarket, they have these really narrow lines so people can't push and step in front of the other , even if they still manage to do it. Really, fat people can't even walk through these areas. I don't see how they can shop. When at the supermarket, a new cahier opens up, people will run and push to get there first.

Do you now realize how civilized the US of A is? People lining up properly for everything is a small thing but it adds to a greater quality of life!

Friday night I went to a festival, just walking around, seeing all the street performers. The prices on the items that they sell ( clothing, gadgets, etc) are so overpriced, it's laughable ( Switzerhell is overpriced as it is, and that stuff is tripled!). I saw this magicien, from the US. He was telling me how the Swiss have that "cattle mentality": when he has a crowd watching him , and one or two leave, then 10 people will leave as well. When one claps, they all clap. If one laughs, they all dare to laugh.

July 15th

Yesterday I went food shopping and I lost a salad on the way to the car. I thought the one and only thing we could count on in Switzerhell was that there was not too much petty crime like stealing small useful things like gloves, hats, but someone stole my salad. I walked back and it was gone. Ok, maybe it dropped out of one of my bags , but there were people everywhere ( not overly crowded though) so surely someone saw the salad drop. Would someone tell me I dropped something? Never. Sometimes, you can hope that the item will still be there, a minute later, but never will someone tell you that you dropped something. You also have to be careful at the supermarket, because no one packs your groceries in Switzerhell. You have to do it yourself. Sometimes, the next person in line or the person before you will steal items from your side of groceries, once you've paid. When you have a lot of groceries, you're packing and can't look everywhere. So either you "protect" your food and have a hard time giving money to the cashier person because she or he is kind of far, or you wait to pay and take the risk that someone could take an item of your foods. I have had it happen to me several times. Most of the time, they are not people who need the food, but just pricks who want to "get you" in some way. In any case, every single day I live in Switzerhell, the country seems to be lamer and lamer. The more I am here the more I go to the tourist places so that I know that at least I get the cleanness and there is security to protect the great Swiss image for foreigners!

Two weeks ago I was talking to this 80 year old lady on the street who had a dog, Swiss German lady who had had a business in Geneva for 15 years and was now retired. She was telling me that as a woman alone, I should have a gun. I thought it was funny and cute when she said it, but I realize that not only do the Swiss soldiers have their weapons at home, which mean all men since all have to go to the military service at least once in their life, but people are used to having guns at home. The way she asked me if I have a gun and when I said no, the way she told me I should have one seemed s natural. You can buy guns at the store: all you have to do is show ID. You can buy guns through ads some newspapers where individuals advertise the sale of their weapons. I also now realize that the only reason why I am still alive after having lived in an isolated chalet is because I once told this guy who knows everyone, that I have a gun and that I wouldn't be afraid to use it, need be. I had told him that after I had had many conversations with him and thought he was my friend, only to find out, he told me that I was leading him on. Plus another good defense mechanisms I have had for years is to pretend I am a real retard. People leave me alone a bit more. They put poison in my yard but they all wished they could have gotten me poisoned with it too! They killed my dog, and I will never ever forgive them for that. The Swiss are viscious, they have stopped me from being me, from doing things, from being happy, but the one and only thing I will never forgive them for is killing my dog.

When I was little, the Swiss always stopped my motivation for anything that was out of the ordinary. They always tried to break up my joy when I came back from the US and I was acting really happy, laughing all the time. It bugged them and they did anything to break my fun. That's who they are. But all that stuff, when I would go back to the US, I would forget about. I knew that they were lame and had no soul and I would not care about them and always thought they couldn't really break me for real. Well they haven't because I will win. I will go to the US to live, and I will bring my Shadow back to life. But the hurt that they inflicted on my big boy, me and Shiva, I will not ever forget nor forgive. I know it's bad for me to hold a grudge. I know we are supposed to forgive to feel good in life. I forgive my mother for all the little and bigger things she has done to me, but I won't forgive the Swiss. I am stubborn as hell. And I am currently working on how to make it work for me, where I can hold that grudge in the air, with at the same time make myself feel good and grow. I am working extra hard but I am doing it. But I am working on it. I can do it because I want to do it!

About politics, the Swiss government is officially talking to the Hamas, group that some other nations refuse to talk to. The Swiss government also, has given visas to people from the Hamas. Isn't that funny? Just reminded me how the Swiss TV station interviewed the brother of bin Laden ( the terrorist), in his apartment in Geneva in 2001, asking him very polite questions, not daring to ask any direct questions to find out where the brother was. At least now Switzerhell can't go under the heading of: "neutral" anymore. Not that it's ever been, but before it thought it could get away with that title, and it did actually for years. It is a very corrupted country and it will come to light. It's just taking forever. I don't even know why they are saying openly that they are conversing with the Hamas, if they wanted to keep their neutrality.

On top of that, these days, the Swiss government is announcing that they are refusing to receive the Dalai Lama officially. Someone from the government might talk to him and accept him in the country for a day or so, but Switzerhell wants to show China that they are not taking part in welcoming the Dalai Lama this year. The Hamas, but not the Dalai Lama! I am not surprised at all! I am just surprised it is out in the open even if saying these facts is not a huge big deal. Or not yet.

July 16th

I was wondering if there is a God, how come do scumbags get to live peaceful lives? And get to live with money and comfort? Why do these filthy individuals get to live? I know they are all over the world but they gather in Switzerhell like crazy. The rich f***heads who beat women, don't let them do anything. Oh I know , you're gona say: "come on women can do anything in Switzerland!" You obviously don't know the country. They have the right to go to school, university and all kinds of school, well unless the schools are to learn a man's job. Woo let's throw a party, women get to go to go to most schools! But after that, as married women, they still obey their husbands, if not because that's how it is, then because the man makes more money than the woman. Yes if a man and a woman take the same job, women make a lot less in Switzerhell. So it is very rare that a woman makes more than her husband. Men can't even stand it when a woman passes him on the highway! I pass men drivers sometimes and I observe, I watch them. If they noticed I was a woman, they will always come back faster and pass me again. Of course I could ignore this crap. You know men are like that all over the world, but I can tell you that Switzerhell is worse than the latin countries in Europe like Italy and Spain where the men are known to be macho. Men get angry in a frustrated way in Switzerhell which makes it sicker and more dangerous. The Swiss press now even admits having a super high number of men murdering their wives in their house. Their wife will get on his nerve and not do what he told her to, or not agree with something that she did and it will escalate really fast. Women have told me and I have seen arguments between men and their wives. The guy gets physical right away. I had a glimpse when I got strangled by this guy who works at the gym , who when I started punching him lightly to joke around ( I am used to doing that with tons of guys in the US , for fun, and they punch me back with just a bit more strength but that's it), he didn't appreciate the joke at all and he had to not only put me to the ground which I thought was enough, to show me his power. It was violent but I could take it. But his true nature got the best of him and he had to keep going and squeeze my throat really hard until I had this " stop I am going to die" feeling. Once he saw that in my eyes, he let go. The inimaginable filth that goes on in these men's heads, to have the need to show that they are stronger than women. And the Swiss, unlike other nations who have men that fight between themselves a lot, only act violently against women. Men scare them a bit so they don't take the chance. They are pussies, some would say. That's a fact, but frustrated pussies, which makes them even more dangerous. I am not saying I am much better, because I am frustrated myself, but I am not hitting people who are weaker than me. I wouldn't get away with it as they do anyway. And I also know how dangerous they are, when they get frustrated, when their woman, for example tells them that they are worthless, or puts them down. Some women have the guts to tell them. They might get beaten afterwards, but they sometimes can't help telling them the truth. Swiss men don't really fight against each other. Swiss don't have the temper of some other peoples, like the latin crowds who will explode verbally first, then maybe physically with a punch or two, and then calm down, and feel ok. The Swiss are sick. My new theory is that they are all psychopaths and don't know it. There are many men who are engineers, doctors or CEO, who are well respected in society, and beat their women like drunken fools at home. Their wives know that no one will believe them if they told anyone. They have had this Christian mentality for centuries where things have to be done a certain way otherwise people need to be punished, and that goes for little things the wives does wrong. They won't tolerate their neighbors parking at the wrong spot or putting their garbage in the bin at a certain time. They have no tolerance for anything basically. Their hypocrisy of being good people is what makes me sick the most though. They say it to the world, to their neighbors and friends, how perfect they are. I want to puke, more and more. I am not even going to start with all the money scams in this country! Ruining lives is their favorite pass-time. No Swiss has enough of a life not to mess with others'. Minding their own business is not in any Swiss language! The percentage of filthy minds in this country is so high that I frankly don't think any country can top it. They always say they are the best, well that would be the only thing at which they are good at: Having a super high percentage of filthy people in their country. Mostly Swiss of course, but the foreigners who come here and like it have the nature of the Swiss or become it later.

Today I am sick, with a cold, fever and whatever. I am not surprised I get sick in Switzerhell, because I am literally sick of these people. I can't complain for being sick. I feel like I am in-sync with myself. It makes it easier to live in Switzerhell when I am sick actually. I feel a bit dizzy and drowsy, and it makes this filthy reality drift away just a tad. I never got sick once when Shadow was alive.

Little things I really love in this country too: When I go to the store and ask if they have an item, product, they respond: " not at all!". Yes it is the translation but it means what it means. They are happy to say they can't help you. They won't say: " no but we have this or that", ever! It is quite surprising how much sales skills these people have! And it is a country that earns great money from tourism? Well, when foreigners ask for something in a store, they simply repeat: No, no , no. they know that not at all won't be understood but they have to stress the No three times. They like to say no. They like to make people unhappy. If they had it their way, they would be just nice enough to tourists to get their money and then insult them. They do criticize the tourists who feed their families, when they 're gone. Criticizing others is their favorite topic of conversation and the only one about which they can talk for hours.

　

　

July 17th

I am unemployed and recieve a little bit of money from the unemployment office, about 2700.- francs a month. My duty is to send out many cv and letters, and I do. The amount of letters that I send is huge and I get no positive response. I don't really care because I am not made for this country and as long as I get this bit of money to survive on, I am ok with all this rejection. But when I think about it for a minute, when I go around businesses and know of the low quality of the workers, not only are they not motivated but they can't think for themselves. Half of the jobs I apply for , they should take me. Really I am being very realistic. This country has a very low quality human workforce. The high position jobs are mostly taken by foreigners. I am not looking to be a doctor's assistant, nor a lawyer ( even if I was destined to be one when I was still in secondary school), but I am looking for a receptionist job, or anything that needs someone who speaks English well. Most international companies which have their headquarters here, hire receptionists and assistants who can't speak English properly. This way their employees who come from all around the world, don't feel like their English is bad. I was working briefly at the reception at a huge car company headquarters, as a receptionist and security agent, and hearing all these people all around speaking horrible English, and then treat me like I was some kind of "just a receptionist", even if I was doing their security as well... was just disgusting. How can they work without speaking a language properly? It beats me. You can see older men , Swiss, or from other European countries, who have senior position and have been working in these multinational companies for years, and they still don't speak English properly! They are bosses so no one dares tell them to take a few classes, to get a teacher to perfect either their grammar or their pronunciation. It's sad. The anglophones I know have to train their ears to be able to work with and understand the horrible English that is being spoken. It is not just the accent which is sometimes very hard to understand, but the way they put words together in a sentence.

I have never been a fan of old men in Switzerhell, because ever since I was little, they were the ones I knew could get away with murder. I have also never come across one who was interesting, funny or had knowledge to share, aside from the knowledge they want people like me to get, such as living exactly the way they want me to. The retired ones spend their days staring at people and their schedule, what they do or don't do. I am so glad I lived in the US, otherwise I'd hate old men with a passion. However I know it's just old men in Switzerhell. In the US I have come across old men who were funny, knew a lot about a lot of things and were always willing to share something. Some were crazy because they had weird passion or interests. But very few were as dull and as vicious ( =evil) as Swiss old men. Africans always tell me I am supposed to respect my elders, but frankly I can do it in any other nation except Switzerhell!

July 18th

I had been looking for a job in a health club when I first got back from the US 4 years ago, and none of them had wanted to hire me. I had sent CV’s to all the clubs in the French part of Switzerhell. I know people don't want older instructors who have done too much in the US because everyone here is always so jealous of the US. They might hire an American person now and then to have "the real thing" as they say, but not someone like me. That is true, and I thought that was the only reason. I have just found out however that someone has spread the word not to hire me anywhere. The person I found out from wasn't sure who had spread the rumor, or pretended not to know. I am trying to find out but since I don't have real allies in this country ( yes because unlike these fools I decide not to be hypocritical). In the past 4 years I have worked out on my own. I don't like these Swiss people as it is and it would be a gigantic pain for me to have to mingle with them. However when I first got back, I was full of good intentions. Anyway I have not been able to figure out who has spread the rumor. This really young guy who is new and works at the reception where I work out, told me his boss had said I was going to ask for a job since I am unemployed ( yes they found that out too). So the rumor, according to me could have been started by a couple of Swiss f***s I can think of: A professional bodybuilder I used to know and because I was not licking his feet like most women, he held a grudge against me. This guy now sells products to all health clubs around the country. It could also be an old owner of the worst health club in the French part, who I worked for 18 years ago. He didn't remember me, so he said I never worked for him. I was subbing at the time for one of his pregnant instructors. I worked there for 5 months. He may have paid me under the table, I don't remember. In any case, he said I was lying on my CV, that I had never worked there. So a few gyms had called to ask about me when I was looking for a job, and he told them I never worked for him.

July 20th

I am walking my dog in the woods in Lausanne, and I see old people walking without dogs. They look at any dog with a nasty look that tells they're afraid of what the dog could do to their dog, because in Switzerhell it's all about the negative, focus on the worst thing that the dog could do. The dogs I have seen around here are small to medium breeds. So these people, they want to walk in the woods, in nature but they don't want dogs around! They probably don't want to see any animal except the really scared ones that run away ( rightfully so) as soon as they see humans. At one point this kid on one of those scooter thingy runs into this old lady. The kid doesn't even say sorry. It doesn't even dawn on them that kids could hurt them too, either by accident or not... Anyway, as a general rule, the people I remember being the most hateful and afraid of my big dog were not children , nor old ladies , but rather middle age men and women , and of course old men.

The funny thing is with foreigners who have lived here for a long time, they are Swiss in every sense of the term but won't admit it. They hate "those dogs" just like the Swiss and will call the cops when a pitbull is out without a muzzle , and they will scream out insults just like the Swiss, but if you talk to them without a dog, you can find out great info: They will tell you that they are Swiss despite themselves ( whatever their first nationality is), and they will agree with you on every criticism and hateful comment you have on the Swiss. But they do agree with the Swiss on the muzzle laws against certain dogs. So then you tell them that in their country of origin, there is no muzzle law against any breeds of dog. All of a sudden, they will tell you either that the government is working on a law, or that the cops do a better job in their country of origin, or that there aren't as many dogs of "those breeds", or dumb-ass excuses like "back home dogs are well trained or are kept in a yard". They of course think their country of origin does everything great. And if the cops come around for x and y reason, all of a sudden they are Swiss! Lol. Truth is these people have been living here for so long that they have adopted the way of life and they act like the Swiss, but they still insist on hating Switzerhell. It's almost like some young Swiss men and women who go abroad, US, Canada, Australia, China, India, whatever interesting country, for a semester , an exchange program, or to work for a while. They come back and start hating Switzerhell because they compare lifestyles, but deep down they know that their brains are Swiss and that they could not survive anywhere else. It's actually my worst fear : that even if on a good day, I can tell you that no matter what I will go back to the US and find a way to immigrate, and on a not-so-good day, I am afraid I am cursed , having been born on this land, and will be stuck here forever. I know that these f***ing Swiss have f***ed with my life every minute I lived in Switzerhell, and have built a mountain of hatred in me that could make me kill, and then I guess potentially go to jail, meaning I would end my life in Switzerhell. I know that I have dreams, but I am broke and from all my dreams there is not one that doesn't require money. I also know that I don't have a career, or enough education to get a good paying job. I have faith and hope the money will come, one way or another. But some days I feel like those idiots who have been abroad ( usually just a year or two), and hate Switzerhell but somehow stay here forever because they get a job, an apartment, and life goes by really fast when you're stupid. And living in Switzerhell doesn't make you smart! The only way not to turn stupid by living among these idiots, is to work all day away from all Swiss, come home late at night, and do that, every single day of the week. I have a friend from the US who does research here, and that's what he does, work work work. He doesn't have to see, talk to a Swiss during 5 days in a row, sometimes 6. On his day (s) off, he'll shop and think it's funny how those people behave sometimes...

July 21rst

Two days ago this 28 year old American woman came to the Bern area to do some rafting. She like most people trusted the Swiss as far as equipment that they would use, security and so on. Well she died. The Swiss put it on the news because her friends who are still alive have already talked to the American press. On the news they even admitted that they are still "investigating" on why and how she died in that river, since she didn't go rafting alone, she was with a group...

This morning, I was talking to this Swiss man who walked towards me with his friendly dog ( I'll talk to anyone who comes to me with a friendly dog, especially when I have Shiva with me). He was in the mood to talk. So he was talking about everything. I tried to stay on the dogs subject. When I told him my big dog died of having been poisoned, he confirmed that many dogs survive being poisoned. He is right, and it brought back many many hateful feelings. I trusted the vet when he said it was too late, that he couldn't do anything... Since I don't know who poisoned him, it's even worse for me not to hate every possible person. Then , this man talked about Aids being a cancer, and the possibility that people have, to get it without any relations, and then he said cancer is contagious. I am not a doctor nor am I a health specialist but that stuff was far out. This guy is Swiss so nothing surprises me , coming out of their mouths. But then, I brought him back on the dog subject and I mentioned the fear and hatred that people have against the 13 breeds. He started saying that most people who are overly scared are foreigners like Africans, Arabs, etc. I tried to jump in and say that no, foreigners of color had ever thrown insults at me when I had my dog. Some might have been really afraid, but I never heard a comment, an insult or seen them taking action against my dog. He didn't want to hear it. He said that the Swiss were adjusting to the foreigners and were now scared of dogs, but 50 years back, the Swiss weren't afraid of dogs... Woaoo that's a theory I had never heard and that is totally wrong. The only tiny tiny bit of that that is right is that fact that people were not supposed to show their hatred before, as now, kids are a bit more allowed to show feelings in public because thanks to the international influence, they see that showing feelings is not such a bad things for children... This man also said that "those" foreigners ( it's like "those breeds") see dogs as cadavre eaters, because in their own countries, they use dogs to eat cadavres. Well, even if that happens in very few parts of the world, this guy is not only racist but got his facts totally wrong! His dog was a young friendly dog. Shiva didn't like him too much though. His dog liked me a lot. Apparently he likes a lot of women, as the owner said. He was humping my arm...With a friendly smile on his doggy face.

Later on in the day: I got yet another parking ticket on my car. The reason was that my disc was no longer valid. There is a disc system here in Switzerhell where you set the time on your disc which the time at which you arrive, and then you're allowed to stay for an hour after that. It may sound great but first of all cops run the streets all the time and if you make a mistake on your arrival time (for example you set a forward time) or you come to turn your disc , you get a 40.-francs ticket. Anyway, after having used this disc for 3 years because that's the disc that was in my car, I get another 40.-francs ticket saying that my disc is no loner valid! I didn't know discs had changed form and the funny thing is no one tells you anything in this country!! Cops don't tell you, people don't tell you. You can go for years without knowing a particular thing and people will look and smile, laugh even, but no one will tell you, in fear of helping!!!!

　

July 22nd

I got my period and I am doing the celebration dance around the fire! It's good not to be pregnant! The joys of blood! I like to see red when the time is right! My period bring me pain, but with the pain killers, I am grateful not to have gotten pregnant by this guy who I had fun with one night ( it had been a while!). Sometimes, I am so longing for that connection with a man, that great love connection..... and even if most of the times sex is not worth getting undressed...for me anyway very few men have given me real pleasure. Well despite all that, I always long for that connection so much that whenever I meet someone with whom I get along and I feel a spark ( its rare), then I start "feeling" that not only could he be the one, but he could give me great immense pleasure.... Well... not there yet woman! I have again been fooled by my own sexual desires... Sex was not good and then I start wondering why I even liked him in the first place... The personality starts to fade as well. I am not sure if bad sex kills a personality but I think rather that when sexual desire meets a longing for real love, then a man's personality can appear to be really exciting...

Oh well at least he was not Swiss. I have never fallen that low because of my sexual desires... My very first boyfriend back in the days was Italian, full blood, with a Swiss passport. It wasn't his fault, he was young when his parents immigrated. Like it's not my fault I have got a red passport with a white cross! I was thinking, maybe my past life wasn't too long ago, and I was one of those foreigners that was admiring Switzerhell from afar and wishing I was from there.... Now I know better!

　

One thing that makes me furious is when I hear foreign men who have lived in Switzerhell for short periods of time and say that it is extremely safe here. They don't know and don't care about unreported crime, and they go by what they see, quiet people, no crime on the news... They live and work here and don't care to know that tons of Swiss and foreign women are raped every day and none of it ever hits the news or the police station for that matter.

Later at night: I usually mind my own business, but now that I live in a "city", and I only have Shiva who wants to walk really slow and smell all the scents everywhere, I tend to linger, and look around. I heard this small dog barking as we were passing by his balcony ( 2nd floor), and I would usually just keep walking, but I looked up. It was an old Pekinese. A brown furry dog with grey hair ( old age) around his nose. He didn't bark much, didn't seem to have much energy. He had his head down to the ground so he could see us in the narrow opening under the balcony wall. I then realized that the door to the inside was closed. I had heard many stories of dogs being left alone balconies all day, in Switzerhell and France, in poor neighborhoods, in the US even ( not for long because someone will either complain or call animal control). In France if the owner of the dog is a man not to be messed with, no one will complain about the dog. Here in Switzerhell no on cares about the welfare of dogs, and if there is a man in the family who lives there, and the dog doesn't bark excessively, no one will say anything for sure. I wish more single women were the ones leaving their dogs alone on the balcony so people would complain, bug her, etc. But single women are no the ones who like to leave their dog on the balcony. Anyway, tonight I saw this poor old dog stuck on that small balcony. These people live in nice apartments. In all Lausanne, even the ugliest apartment buildings have nice big apartments inside. Most studios have no balcony. These Swiss ( or other origins) people make good money. If you go their home, they all have a lot of comfort in there. Well yes it is a rich country. People will feel poor when they can't keep up with maintaining their expensive cars or boats. I am poor but that's because I very rarely work full-time and I have no career.

So these Swiss people live comfortably and they can't even take care of their dogs! That gets to me. I can't stand it that a rich country which actually has a lot of dogs, and most of them are mistreated or killed in the middle of their life, by cops, shelters, owners, cars, etc... I walked by that apartment again on the way back from my walk an hour later and that poor dog was still there. I am going to go by there regularly and look, from now on. If the dog is always on the balcony, I will have to steal it to save it, because there is no one I can call that will do anything, as usual. Just like for everything, as a woman...You can call, and I have along the years. I called cops for many reasons, called the equivalence of the ASPCA for several cases and other women organizations when I needed help. But not any of those would or could help. Some said they were sorry they couldn't help.....

July 23rd

Today's headlines on one of the papers: " fat dead people in their coffin are too heavy for workers to carry". In the 2 small free newspapers, you can read a lot ( not all) about petty crimes but they keep those for small articles no headlines... You can read about crimes such as foreigners robbing houses, mugging people, killing people, and you can hear about (thank god) a few husbands killing their wives. What you still won't read about are the mafia murders, and I am not talking about the Italian mafia or other countries' crime organizations, but I am talking about people who kill others deliberately, viciously. Serial killers. When you know the amount of mentally sick people in Switzerhell ( the obvious number at least ), and you hear stories of serial killers in France, Italy, Germany. Somehow the serial killers don't know how to cross the border and come to Switzerhell, according to the press! I remember this one time when a serial killer had killed a journalist and after that somehow(!) the story came to light, and the Swiss police said: " We didn't tell people not to spread fear ". Right. Just like the pedophiles, they don't cross borders... But we did hear a police bust of more than a thousand people in the pedophile network, of which a hundred were caught in Switzerhell. Swiss men of course. The press said that the pedophiles arrested in Switzerland were just men who looked at pictures and videos on the web.... Right!!!they were forced to talk about that story since other police from surrounding countries were on the case, and arrested men from their countries as well.

　

Also, in the free newspaper today: Bern admits that hospitals make more and more "mistakes" that result in death of the patient. They don't say which hospital, where, but they admit it... That stuff happened a lot in the past but no one would hear about it. Could it be some of the rich foreigners were victims and their families are suing and trying to contact the press. I know sometimes you try to contact the press in Switzerhell, and magically no one is available! But come with a pitbull story where a kid was bitten , and the media will receive you in their office, buy you lunch and desert!

Welcome to the great country where I took my first breath of air! Well in this lifetime anyway. I can joke about it, but every single day it hurts inside to be here and to be from here.

Every day is a struggle for me. The law of attraction would say that at this point, I officially hate the Swiss and expect their acting evil towards me, so I attract more of it. I have struggled to ignore them, when I had Shadow. I have tried to focus on us three, me and the dogs, and ignore them, but as a woman alone who also has to stay on guard and protect herself and her dogs, I had to watch out for things like cars otherwise we would be dead or injured by now. Well Shadow is dead. So I didn't do so well on protecting him. Well I did for eight years. But when you have to watch out for morons not to run into you, hit your dog with an umbrella or a cigarette as they pass by on the sidewalk , and things like that, it's hard to ignore them and dodge their s*** at the same time. I have tried , in the very beginning to talk to them to be, not hypocritical like them but be nice to make things smoother. I then find out that the only reason these pricks talked to me was to find out stuff about my life, my dogs, if there was a man in my life, etc, to then use these things to mess with me. And that wasn't just in one town, one place. And I wasn't only talking to people with no education. So really, it has been quite a trip to try to give these Swiss people a chance. Now, after Shadow's death, I cannot "give them a chance " anymore. Even when Shadow was alive, we lived happier when we kept to ourselves and made sure to stay away and dodge whatever was coming at us. Of course I have wanted to fight back, but fighting back means to hurt them, because I don't have the time to play their little backstabbing games. Now it is getting harder and harder because my hatred is growing. I want revenge on these people so bad, it hurts. And everyday having to take their crap gets tougher and tougher. As soon as I get in the car, I can feel men getting upset and showing it in the way they drive an inch behind me or pass me crazy fast, because either I was faster than them and it bothered them, or on the contrary I was too slow and it bugged them to have women driving around basically. They would love to reintegrate the law that prohibits women to drive. I go to the gym and it's the same old story with men. Basically they don't want me there because I don't behave like a nice submissive Swiss woman. I don't want them there either. I go to the supermarket and people try to pass me if I leave too much space in front of me ( forgive me if I don't like to be stuck to the person in the front). My last job I got fired for opening my mouth too much about how the school ( hotel school) wasn't helping students enough when they really needed it, on top of the fact that one of the managers didn't want to hire a woman for night security in the first place. The guy who did hire me was a German guy. The job before that, I was bullied and not trained properly , by 2 young idiot Swiss girls, so they could laugh at me for not doing the job right since I had been instructed wrong!! The job before that, I was teaching, and had to drive around from one company to another, so since the driving is always frustrating. A teacher like that has to be a psychologist, a babysitter, a mother and a teacher! Some one to one classes were like therapy sessions. I did have a couple ( just a few) students from countries like Italy, Brazil and the US, who were totally decent people. But those few students didn't make the job. I can't tell you how tired I am of this place. I am trying to read a lot of books that can help me stay strong and positive inside. It's a challenge doing that kind of work on yourself when you have to deal with crap everyday. But I am at least unemployed right now so I have a bit of time to stay with my dog and my rabbit, and try to find at least faith, in a better tomorrow.

　

Later on that day...:

I remember once I was in NYC, living in a studio in a not so clean building. I was in the bathroom looking at my face in the mirror and suddenly felt something crawling up my legs. I saw 2 big fat roaches crawling up my legs!! What are the chances for 2 roaches to crawl up each of my legs at the same time? I saw them and I wiped them down, wiped them to the ground. I then killed them and when the rush was over, I cried of disgust. It had been the first time I had cried of disgust. Well I now find myself so fed up with not being able to leave this country and hating these people here so much. I am starting to cry of disgust when I realize I am stuck here, among these filthy people, when I know there is a world out there, like the US for example where I'd really want to be, but at this point I'd go anywhere just far away from Switzerhell, and not in a country where the Swiss immigrate much! I have so had it with this pit of humanity. Yes the streets are clean and I have food on the table and the water from the faucet is drinkable and doesn't make me sick. But humans around are worms!! And that is the sickening factor! It's the atmosphere. Without my Shiva I would surely kill people, not only because I want revenge on what they did to Shadow and me but because the planet would be better off without most of the crappy people who live in Switzerhell. Some days I just want to kill some punks so bad it hurts me that I can't. It's like a bad itch or worse. I want it so bad. Not sure if I got the plans to get away with it though and I won't do it because Shiva and me are good together. So I refrain. It's hard. It hurts. I never thought I could feel this way. Obviously it is a bit stronger because of the fact that my life is not the way I want it, that I am here and not where I want to be, and not doing what I want to do, work with dogs, lots of them. If I don't see Swiss people for a while, I feel better already. I have been there. But then I get stuck , have no visa, have to come back to this filth. So either I die in hell, here, in jail later on in my life, or I get out with enough money to stay away forever! I just wish I could attract this money and not be stuck at the hatred, not let these people break me down. Most of them would love to see me in jail. I am crazy, they think. They don't know I can kill. Men don't think a woman can kill. The problem for me is not whether I have got it in me to go and kill. Everyone got it in them. Too many people have it so f***ing good that they don't grasp the concept of wanting to kill those who mess with them. If this whole thing could just be a bad memory or just a chapter in this book, or an experience in my life. Life could have put me in this country to see how low humanity can get in a rich country like this. I am sensitive enough to see all that. I know some, few decent people who come here on vacation could see it if they were open to it, but they're on a vacation dream, and don't see it. As for the ones who live here I am more and more convinced that this place attracts the kind of people who fit right in. I am here and have been suffering here, because no I won't adapt to filth. And the disease that I have gotten from this is this desire to kill stronger than ever, like a cat who needs to eat. That is too strong of a desire. I need to help myself out of this!!!! I am trying to have faith again that I will get out of this whole nightmare!!!

July 24th

I am so sick of everything, except my Shiva. I have been wanting to win the Lotto for 12 years now, ever since I had Shiva, I saw the real need to win for the dog to have land around a home that would be stable and his. And then with Shadow I wanted it even more!! And now he is dead. All his life I have been yearning, wanting to win that pack of millions once, and nothing else. Now I somehow still believe I am going to win. Why would I win now that I have gone through my Shadow's death? Well, reading the Matrix Energetics, I read that going back in time is possible, so I could bring my Shadow back to life, when he was healthy with all his teeth ( in NYC, his teeth got cut off by playing too much with a tennis ball). So I keep hoping, not giving up ever. I think me and Shiva are going to win and go to the US with the rabbit and maybe rescue this Beauceron from a mad family in France and take her with us. My dream had been to win when I was first going through hell in that village , when these f***ing people were driving me nuts and trying everything to either kill one of us or make us move out of the village. I could still see us, going through hell but when I closed the door of my tiny studio and was there with my 2 dogs, I was happy that we were ok. I should have won then. I could have seen us win these millions, make a reservation for a private jet so Shadow could travel with Shiva and me, and leaving this horrible ugly place with a view.... That feeling , that visualization was a dream, is a dream. All the s*** we had to through after that just brought me to this place where I have too much hatred right now. I can't keep up with myself and how much revenge I'd like to accomplish. It would be so much work. I hate these punks. The only place I can take them is on TV! I hate these f****s and their poor dogs when I see they can't educate them and then they get upset scream at them and kick them in the face like it's cattle in the 18 century. I hate all their behaviors, everything I see when I step outside. I hate hate hate. I want to kill kill kill, delete them, eliminate, destroy them, clean up the land... I am crazy but I am not. I wish I could be in the US where people only interact with strangers with something funny or positive. Well of course unless you have beef with someone, like everywhere in the world. Switzerhell is such a rat hole. And that's a compliment because rats are more decent. Some will say that when you have a family here, people are nice to you. Well you can think they are nice to you, but should I put a camera and sound recorder to show you what they really think about you? I can feel that hypocrisy, I don't have to check it. In the US, people genuinely try to be nice. Ok they try rather than be sometimes. But that trying shows, and it's because they want to be nice but can't necessarily do it with the goodness of their heart. But that trying part shows and it's a good thing, rather than putting on this fake attitude and really having ill feelings deep inside. I know that in France, people usually don't care much so they are not nice nor vicious, they just are how they are, most of the time. But Switzerhell has this disease, this illness all around. It's repulsive, everyone is here.

July 26th

I was walking Shiva and I saw this small women with a German Shepard and a bigger dog which looked really good, so I asked her which breed it was. She said she didn't know for sure. We speculated. We talked. This Swiss woman knew nothing about me, not even where I lived, and she invited me to her apartment. She has 2 young daughters. Her husband wasn't there. It is unbelievable how trusting they are, and how stupid....My little cute dog must have been a sign of trust....

July 27th

My mother. I don't like her as a person but she is my mother so I have some affection for her. It's not her fault that she is Swiss and that she lived here all her life, but she has been retired for 5 years now, and aside from keeping busy not to get bored, by playing tennis, skiing in the winter, meeting people and organizing dinners with neighbors, she doesn't do anything for humanity, nor for animals, nor for anything but herself. She could be volunteering for something... Oh wait there are not many volunteering activities in mafia land ( as Mr Kadhafi would say). Swiss people don't want to volunteer, they don't want to work without getting paid. So no one creates opportunities for people to volunteer. Even at dog shelters most of them don't have volunteers. I know one shelter here who has openings for volunteers and advertises to find some, which is difficult. The few people they found are British women, wives of expats. Some Swiss give money to charity when they see that they will have to pay too much tax at the end of the year, but that's it. All this money that circulates in this country and the people don't volunteer... And don't tell me there is no need. Animals need it. Maybe the Swiss could kill a little less dogs at shelters!!! Old people need help too. They are some old people who are alone, have no one to help and their health insurance won't cover the help they need. You don't hear about them. The great Swiss image would be shattered. You have sick people who don't come out of their home, ever, because they would need help to do so and they don't have it. Society likes it that way, so all these sick people( mentally or physically) are hidden in their homes. Again....Welcome to beautiful Switzerland!

So yes my mother could spend her time more productively , helping others or animals, but no. When she helps me after I ask her, to do one little thing, she makes it seem like it's a big deal that she helped. I am so sick of that mentality. Having grown up with these moron people, and feeling the hatred when I am here, I am glad to say that when I am in the US, I like helping people I appreciate, helping dogs too, and I don't feel the need to make it seem like a big deal to help!!! I have helped here many times too much, like when dogs would follow us in the forest and then having to go find the owner, or keeping the dog until the person would manifest. That woman yesterday who invited me to her house. Well she trusted me in her home because I had given her good advice on dog training, which she needed badly.

July 28th

This morning I was looking for a health food store. I looked on the web and took the address, and looked on my map. I am a map person. I am good with maps and enjoy following them. I have used maps in all US cities that I have been to and it always worked really well for me. Here, I was surprised to notice for the second time that their maps are wrong! Small mistakes with small roads or streets but still, is it so difficult to make a map that matches reality? And I don't have an old map, it's a new one! I got the map of this town this year at the tourism office. And don't tell me that American cities are easier because the roads are all perpendicular! They are not always in smaller towns, and making maps doesn't require rocket science!! So then I finally find the health food store, and it only opens at 11! On a week day. Are we joking here? I know stores close really early at night , even earlier on Saturdays and are never open on Sundays, I had gotten that part since I was little, but 11 am? What do healthy people sleep late every morning? Do healthy people stretch and do yoga for 3 hours in the morning and only after that, they might think of buying an organic salad ? Seriously, this is not a summer town by the sea in Italy or South of France where you can expect most stores to open at 11 AM. Lausanne is a big town even a city according to Swiss standards.

According to the news, the Swiss are getting fatter and fatter, especially children. People are blaming it on the American food imports or fast food like McDee and the others. Truth is the Swiss are creating more and more cheap foods, because people want to spend less and less on food, and keep more money in the bank ( really). People I know have real estate, like apartments they rent out and holiday homes for themselves, and they try to save on money they spend on food, and buy cheap unhealthy foods instead of good stuff. I don't know, but I have always thought food was more important than objects I could buy, not only because I like food but the quality of the stuff I put in my body is more important than all the jewelery, the houses or the material stuff I could buy. Even for my dogs, I often give them freshly cooked chicken or turkey, even if I am poor and people I have told that to, here say I shouldn't "waste" my money.... Different priorities...

So the Swiss are getting fat and they blame it on American foods. When you look in the supermarket, there is more choice than there was 20 years ago. So whether people buy US imports, or other countries' imports ( France exports a lot of processed junk food to Switzerhell), or new Swiss processed crap, people are getting fat because they can't choose among what they have available. I can only imagine how fat they would become if Swiss supermarkets had as much choice in everything as the US ! Because let's face it, the big Swiss supermarkets will have a little bit of choice, but still, it is nothing like the US. If the Swiss had that much choice they would blow up like balloons!

July 29th

I am starting to understand something: Muslim extremists have built their hatred towards the Western world, because that's the way they call it, the Western world, which includes Europe and then the US and Canada. They associate Europe to the US because from the outside , they seem similar. They're not. The vices that people contract while living a Western lifestyle all originate in Europe. More money, more power, using that power to hurt others in one way or another, on purpose just because they can. All that is rooted in Europe. Leaders all over the world have caught the disease. That viciousness and non desire to help others except if it brings something back to the originator comes from Europe. Asia and Africa have wise ancient spiritual goodness that is often baffled by money and not knowing how to get it nor how to use it, just like Europeans. The Americas have a background of all the great native ( American Indian) spirits. Yes Europe has damaged that. But nowadays, one can still see that many many Americans, whatever their background, have realized that doing good to oneself and to others freely, is the key to a better world. And that a better world is something attractive! Not like many Europeans who have evil fantasies of the end of the world, or worlds governed by dark entities with lots of powers that would blow everyone's mind....The vast majority of extremist Muslims who have lived in the Western world have lived in Europe and have that as their blueprint. They think the US is like that only worse. They are wrong. All the good Muslims who live happily in the US should tell them. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Europe has a true evil soul. Don't get me wrong, a number of people live happily and some are even decent people. Unfortunately those don't live in Switzerland. Well, it's a small country so no one cares. But realize that Switzerhell may be small but with its money, with the money that all the rich thugs of the world put in this country, including a lot of Muslim extremists and other "gangs" who don't care about anything but their money, it could become a germ for a growing evil power. So far the world has kept Switzerhell under control by trading, putting money in their banks, doing business in everyone 's interests and so on. But without sounding alarming, I just wonder why the better spirits of the world don't pick up on the severity of Switzerland's trash nature. 10 years ago when the New York Jewish community went public and asked Switzerhell for the money that belonged to them but had been discreetly kept by Swiss banks after the war, the media slightly touched the truth by showing beautiful sceneries of Switzerhell and then saying that it is not what it looks like. They were right. The Swiss were then forced to give some of the money back, which had no business being in Switzerhell, long after the war. After that affair, the world went back to thinking Switzerhell was the most beautiful place, clean and honest. What is wrong with people! I know everyone is busy dealing with more important things that relates to their lives directly, and their believes and passion, but Switzerhell is a threat to humanity, in many ways.

July 31rst

This morning, I got yelled at and then insulted for not doing what the Swiss person told me to do: This old lady with a Belgian Shepard on a leash: She sees Shiva walk by, and she and her dog start screaming and barking. The dog went trying to attack Shiva, and she ordered me to put my dog on a leash. I had just left an area that was surprisingly decent regarding dogs being all off leash and friendly ( don't be fooled be these rare , not only areas but lucky times of the day). Here goes this old woman with this vicious dog( except from the fact that any being would be vicious living with an old rat like that), yelling at me for not holding my friendly, old, tiny dog on a leash in a forest where most dogs are off leash, and the law permits it. She didn't yell in an alarming tone because she was scared for my dog. She yelled and insulted me because according to her, sogs must be on leashes everywhere at all times because she doesn't want her dog to pull on her arm. She set me off especially when I saw that she didn't have the strength to hold her dog and he was ready to jump on Shiva. I was then also ready to jump on that dog and that old lady. It's one thing that these idiot Swiss can't comprehend what dogs do and need. Had she been like: "I am sorry, could you hold your dog, my dog is just terribly untrained, and I can't hold him". The Swiss are known to be polite... Shiva didn't even go to her dog, so it wasn't even my dog's fault for going near a dog that was on a leash. Shiva walked by and didn't stop, feeling the other dog's craziness. Some young man saw us and then told me that her dog was attacking people and dogs all the time. I said then why doesn't anyone call the cops? He said her son is a cop. And because the Belgian shepherd is not a breed that the country hates! If it had been one of the 13 breeds , the dog would have barked twice , not even pulled on the leash like a crazy fool, and he would have been shot by the police. Whoever in the world hates the pit bull and all breeds who look like him, and love to see how strict Switzerhell is with these breeds? Well I say , then have a smart country that is strict with dogs in general and most of all with the people who don't treat dogs right. Because if you like Switzerhell where all big labradors, St-Bernards, Shepherds and Bernese can be free to growl, threaten, bite a few times in their lives and kill a few other animals, then you sure make so sense and can't say Switzerhell is your strict country with a lot of rules followed by everyone. And if you like this country so much, then you must like the old men who are free to be pedophiles and have their privacy respected be the state and no one gets to know where and who they are. They get to live wherever they want and get to walk to school yards and stare, and then do all kinds of activities..... for years, until they get caught twenty years later, because the man was so nice and so polite that no one ever suspected anything!

Have a country strict on dogs: I have nothing against that if it's well done. In a small and rich country like Switzerhell where people pay an expensive tax for dogs each year, the country could have a decent law that would require all dog owners to learn about dogs before getting one. The tax that dog owners pay every year doesn't include anything, but the right to have a dog. It doesn't include classes, as it should. It doesn't include dog parcs. It actually only includes the free tiny plastic bags that you can pick up at a few places here and there, to pick up poop. Swiss people pay a dog tax that is 5 or 6 ( depends on the canton) times the amount that people pay in Manhattan, NY! And in Manhattan you have a fairly large dog-run ( doggy park) in every neighborhood, almost every 10 blocks. The square footage of all that in Manhattan is great when you know how much land costs there! When I was there for a year, I was glad to contribute and pay the doggy tax. I was proud to have paid it for the year for my 2 dogs and have gotten the little tags that they give. Here in Switzerhell, not only do the dog taxes go up every year but we don't get a tag anymore, and dog-runs don't exist! And don' tell me that we have forests here. In Manhattan there is Central park which is open to dogs off leash before 9 am and after 9 pm. Sure it's great, but a dog-run in your neighborhood lets dogs socialize which is very important for dogs. Yes there are forests in Switzerhell where some breeds are allowed to be off leash, but since dogs are not socialized, where people call their dogs and keep her or him close when they see another dog coming, there are always dogs biting other dogs. Not to mention hunting season which is 4 months a year, where you have got to watch out that you or your dogs don't get shot. In Switzerhell when you consider the amount of dogs that live here, there are very few people who walk to the forest or drive to the forest for their dogs. People don't exercice that much.

No it's really a great country. It goes to show it's not when you have the money, the means and the power, that humans automatically get smart and do the right thing. Switzerhell is human proof of the very opposite. The dog thing is just a small example for most people. I know the Swiss government has kept its people afraid and in their place for years but now it can't be the excuse anymore for these crappy people to be this dumb and vicious. The Swiss claim the country is a mess because of all the foreigners who invaded. Well the only truth to that is that when foreigners, rich or poor, come in and act different in any ways, the Swiss start stressing out and acting out and ruining their lives. So in that sense, yes who dared come to Switzerhell and introduce new ways of thinking, doing or acting? It freaks these people out and they become nasty and vicious! Their brain capacity was not made to adjust. Welcomed as they were, all foreigners especially the poor who came here to work started hating people. For generations, these foreigners have been hating. Getting their money , staying, but hating. The rich who come to stash their dirty money here are filth in the first place. Blame it on the rain if you want, but let's at least look at this country for what it is and not for the beautiful pictures that some great photographer took. You can take great pictures in every country and market the place so well with so much effort and money that the whole world starts to believe that that country is worth going to and spending money on! Seriously!

August 1rst

I am still in f*** Switzerhell. I have demons I can't get rid of, who keep me in this dirt. Evidently. I am going to keep fighting. I have one question for the world though: When are non-Europeans going to realize that Switzerhell is now the pit of humanity. Europeans from countries outside of Switzerhell now know. The Muslim extremists have realized it. Well somehow. Some of them mistook it for Northern America, but I believe they will come around. These people are like me and most Americans: They have no tolerance for trash, scum people. Switzerhell tolerates all the trash of the world, the filth of humanity. It reflects its soul. Just like Hitler, the Swiss see things one way and no other way will be tolerated. The Swiss would have a Hitler ( well there is one close to him in the UDC political party), they would be great little soldiers. That might be the only thing that would bring them together, these non-communicating fools. The reason why Switzerhell hasn't escalated to another Hitler period is that they're not sure which group to exterminate, since they hate all foreigners, and the Swiss who don't act like them. I guess we can be thankful that there is too much hatred going around.

Africans come to Europe in hopes to make good money to then send it back to their countries. But when are they going to realize that they are only helping Switzerhell and even Europe, with cheap labor. Aside from the political refugees in Switzerhell who get free room and board, because at least they can say they are beating the system!. These guys also don't realize that that system is hurting them. They get used to free money in a rich country. When the few years are over, they are left with all the problems of trying to find a place to live being black, and having no real CV, no history of having worked anywhere in Europe, the Swiss won't hire them. Some will get angry and start selling drugs. Some of them, men with previous high moral values and strong political ideas become self-hating money hungry people contributing to the Swiss filth. So Switzerhell nor Europe are not helping these people. If they come as workers, husbands or others, they will still get jobs with little money and will get angry at the Swiss or others, for not paying them as much as the ones form Switzerhell. Anger in groups gets destructive, not only for the outside, but for themselves. Sure the ones who go to America have it better. They were smarter for their choice of country, but then in Northern America, there is one thing that is not yet resolved, is the "race thing". Yes I know , slavery wasn't so long ago, but the US moves on quickly for everything, at least many things compared to the rest of the world. Except that race thing. I must say that is the one thing I don't get in the US.

Europe is copying the US for everything. If you lived in Europe in 1990, and then live there now, you can name a hundred things or ideas that have been "stolen" from the US. Well when Americans are selling goods and making money on it, great, more power to them, as long as the company pays its taxes in the US.

Later on , on this Swiss national day...:

I am living in a studio in a building where you can hear people cough, pee, etc. It's one of these buildings made of cardboard. The bitch upstairs walks around on her old wooden floor with summer shoes with heels, or wooden soles all day long. It's one thing to have one bitch in the building, but I can't even say that it always falls on me. The other people on all floors slam their doors, night and day. They can't get in their apartments and close their doors like normal people, or like people who know ho many other people can hear and be disturbed by a slamming door. For a few of them, it might be a habit, an old uneducated habit, but for most of them, it is because they heard someone do it once and they have to show they can do it too.... This is the true stupidity of everyday life in Switzerhell. They do because they want to show that they can. Well someone had to give them the idea, because in the imagination department, they are non-existent.

Well I can openly say that the only Swiss left in me is the hater. I will definitely use it in my life. Isn't that what they say? Use the negative for your benefit. Make the best of what you have, who you are. Well, I tell you, I feel safe with myself, because in time of need I won't hesitate to do whatever I need to do to to protect myself and my loved ones. I have been attacked in my personal space in every way, and even if some would say I haven't been tortured and locked up and raped, I have been attacked enough for me to develop that sense of unafraid instinct to protect myself and my loved ones.

I guess when people have hurt you, messed with you many many times, bullied you, you either turn out stronger or messed up. I felt stronger when I lived in the US by myself starting at the age of 17. But when people keep bullying you as an adult...I am not sure what the scenarios are.... But for me, I am starting to feel it deep in my nervous system, especially that I can't fight back, otherwise I'll go to jail. My true nature wants to fight back. The frustration now for 4 years that I have been carrying is getting very heavy. And now that Shadow is gone , these idiots still feel the need to mess with me. The bitch upstairs is a friend to the neighbors next door. She has decided to make it a game to wake me up, just like the housecleaning alcoholic woman in that rotten rich village. Only this one has allies. They talk outside on the balcony. They laugh and talk about a "woman " who gets upset whenever she gets waken up, bla bla bla. They play childish games which I don't play. All I want is to get away from these women and the young guy in there. They want to play, want me to yell at them. I don't want to interact with that filth. I get upset but all by myself . Since we can hear everything one says in these apartments especially in the summer with the windows open. I get upset, I swear a bit, and they hear it. They listen and laugh. Of course if I had a man living with me, this wouldn't happen. They might do the same but ver discreetly. Or if I had allies, then we'd have a war between neighbor gangs.... Serioulsy I don't play these freacking games. And don't tell me to ignore them all. I know I could work on ignoring the whole country but it would be hard.... Also ignoring is a good theory. But think of when neighbors smoke and you smell their smoke through the windows, you are supposed to ignore them? Yes that's really good for your health. I am sick of the people I know telling me to ignore everyone who messes with me.

I so need to get out of this country it's ridiculous. According to the theory that says that everything that happens to us, we attracted or created... Well I can't believe I created such a nightmare for me and my dogs during the last 4 years and the 2 years before that in Switzerhell with Shadow as a puppy. We may have been hated more with Shadow, but he did keep half of the scum away from us, scum that I see appear now again, that I am alone with Shiva. I need to leave this country, I can't tell you how badly. I have said it for years now, and the truth is I am so stubborn that I think I will win the Lotto before I leave because that was part of my revenge on the Swiss plan, to win in Switzerhell , to get out with their game money. The Lotto is a great fun revenge. It is legally taking the money of others, all in one big chunk. I love the concept. Well in Switzerhell I see it like that. When I am in the US, I see it as a fun game, to have one chance in a zillion to get a whole bunch of money at one time. I even feel bad when I think of American families with lots of children and animals, who need the money more than I do. But in Switzerhell I feel like my whole self needs to win for many reasons. I have believed this strongly for 2 years now. I feel it, I can touch it, touch the feeling of having won. When I really think about it, I am not winning because I have 2 contradicting voices inside of me: One that keep saying : "just do it!" as it were that easy. And the other says: " It is impossible to win, to be the one and only winner, and have all the numbers that match". I often have 2 or 3 numbers. But these 2 voices in my head are fighting. Obviously the second one has logic on her side, has collective thinking on her side, and has many loosing moments to remember ( all the times I have lost). It's a tough side to fight! As appealing as the first voice is, I can't free it, let it shine. Sometimes I even have a third voice that says: " it's ok not to win, you'll be ok". And after each time that I have checked the numbers and seen the failure, I have had to let that voice be my friend, to make me feel better, so I have nurtured it. It is so tough but I can see how that works now. Hoping that's gona help. I am not sure I know how to delete these 2 useless voices though. And living among these assholes, I get upset every single day. I don't feel at peace. It doesn't help.

Aug 4th

I am watching many videos on Youtube about the matrix, quantum universe, the creative energy field, the power of the mind, etc. All of them say that compassion and love are necessary, and that hatred, anger and fear have to be ignored or forgotten. Beautiful words and all of it makes sense. Happiness comes from within and loving others will only help you. I get it! However in Switzerhell, I can't help but getting upset at these f***ers who bug me in every way, from making noise at night or slamming doors in the middle of the night, to stealing my mail, slashing my tires, etc. It is so hard to love those people. So hard that I can't do it. I am thinking I hope God has not put me in the worst place on earth human-wise, to see if I could love....despite the challenge!! I am saying all is well, and life is good. I can't help it, when I go outside, wanting to kill those god*am Swiss! But I come inside and listen to these videos and I get it... I have to love.. love and love... and love will come back to me! Just don't let me go outside. I have a dog and I have to go outside... I am not good at all this...

Aug 6th

Raised as a Swiss Christian, I was always told that God was the all mighty powerful and that if someone did something bad he would punish them and if someone did something good, God would give that someone something good in return... That's the kind of bagage that I have been carrying. That is also why I so want to kill so many people because they have hurt me and my dogs, my life, and they're living the luxury life with all their beautiful homes, cars and families, and getting away with murder. Since God has been doing nothing to punish them in all those years , it drives me nuts to see those people getting away with murder, so yes I want to go on a killing spree and make sure I get as many as possible. I guess I am Swiss because the Swiss are the ones who punish others, who take matters in their own hands, who punish others for making mistakes, or not doing things the way they do them. I want to punish them for having hurt us and for hurting women and dogs all over the place. Of course I feel I want to punish people for a good reason while the Swiss do it for no reason at all. but from the outside you might not see it that way.

After having listened to many smart people on the web, read some smart people's books , all of them American people, I have decided I am today going to take the path of love. They say it's the only way to get what I want in my life. There are many paths I can take. Some are easier than others. The love path is not easy but I am now here trying to love everything and everybody. It is the hardest thing ever. This morning I tried on my dog walk. It's a challenge. I am going to give it a real true try, though. It is really tough for me to do this. Some people may know what I am talking about. I am in the place where I hate ( if I am being honest to my original feelings) most people. It is tough but you know what, I am trying this for the first time. I wish I had tried it with Shadow. But if I think hard I can say that he showed me that even if I was tough with him and asked a lot from him and sometimes was too hard on him, he always loved me. So I am trying this love thing even if it's hard, and it's already making me cry because it's so hard!!!! One way I have created to help me is to see these Swiss as not even people, but creatures, animals. I can see how love is possible now.

Aug 6th

Today again some f***er went into the apartment when I was gone. The door was unlocked. I came early today so the person must have thought I was coming later and got out quickly, or just forgot to lock. I was leaving scotch tape on the floor and nobody had come in until today. These Swiss morons always think they are smarter than everyone else. They need to look around, feel powerful, and feel like they know everything, because they can. They don't even steal anything! It would make more sense if they stole something. Then again they might steal my identity. It just bugs me so much that I want to catch them in the act so badly.... I know I am supposed to love everybody, but it's so hard when they mess with me like that! And it's happened before, many times in great Switzerhell! When they didn't have the key they had passes. I am so sick of this sick-ass country! If I had a man everything would be different: I would get the great of luxury of being respected a bit in society! Yes it's like that in most countries, but this sick country pretends to have high standards like the US or Canada!!! And this hypocrisy makes me sick, sick sick sick. I don't know if I can get myself out of this sickness! I have been listening to these smart people talking mind power and great positive thinking, and I love all that. I can see how it works. But I have always been alone in this world. I can deal with things alone. I am not suffering from it. I am not even looking for friends here to help me. The few that I have are plenty. But none of them is strong enough to be a great support to get better, to think better and believe in the power of the mind and of the spirit. I have never had any great minds around me to help me towards positivism. In Switzerhell for sure, people always say what you see is what you get, and life is tough, and no way do they believe making anything happen is possible, other than concrete stuff like getting a job! And stop dreaming! In the US, I have come across people who have given me compliments and hope that have helped me more than they know, but I guess I need much more to get out of this Swiss filth. Sure I have the strength to work in society, fighting my way through, until I die if I have to. But I could get myself out of this crap by first, winning some money and then working on helping animals, working on meditation and positivism, away from Switzerhell. I could live, live for real. But can I? All by myself? Will the books and the positive videos help me find it in me? They say I don't need the books and anything outside, it's all in me, but when I don't know how to look for it inside.... When no one even told me there was something in me I had to discover.... When my Shadow was with us, I wanted to win the Lotto so bad to give him a mansion with land. I wanted this Lotto for that reason. I could picture, visualize so well, my dogs running around our home, a nice home with land and a huge fence. I could see that in my head during the eight years of Shadow's life. I wanted to give him that so badly. When people asked me why I had a huge dog in a studio, even though I went out every single morning for at least 2 hours , and made him run, play ball almost the whole time so that he got his exercice, I would tell them that I knew I was going to win millions and he would soon have a house and a land of his own. I was so sure for so many years!!! Now because I failed I feel even more like a failure and it saddens me every time I think about Shadow and what he didn't get , what I wanted to give and I couldn't. I cry every time I think of that. How am I now, supposed to attract the winning? Make a winning happen? I pray and I cry. But according to the new science, I am just noticing the lack of ..... and attracting more of that. How do you not notice the lack of when you really don't have money, and need so much to do the things you want to do?

Aug 7th, (alias 7/8/09 in Europe)

Tonight is when I have to win. Well I have already won since it's now, tonight. I try to give love, to feel sorry for the Swiss for staring stupidly for hours and for exerting a hideous vibe (it's not their fault I say). When they are few I can do it, but when there are many morons around me, I can't do it. Today I had to cut my work out short, I couldn't stand their dirty heavy presence around me, staring of course because I wouldn't look back at the gentlemen (...) smiling, and that's what a woman should do even when the man looks at us with a scary face. So no I won't go to the gym anymore. Tomorrow is my last day. I love the gym but the Swiss get too close to me there and I can't love them...at all. When I have time to work out, I feel so much better though. When I start to see changes in my body I like it a lot. But the crap I have been through in Switzermy-ass to fight to work out without bending to the every wish of every man ( what machine to use when they want and women have to move for the strong (...) men to be able to use what machine they want to use). When I think of the several years I have been through this, I wonder why I attracted this being in this country for so long. Yes I am stubborn and I want to win the money and not go to the US broke, and have to come back to this hell yet again... That is a choice. I made that choice and regret it a bit, but I understand why I made it. Now the goal has to be to win! Otherwise I don't understand myself. I know I am messed up with my emotions and old issues that come back because life in Switzerhell puts me through the same kind of crap, if not all the time, a lot of the time.

Aug 8th

Whoever lives in this country of Switzerland, Swiss and other nationalities, it seems they all are looking for s*** and messing with other people's lives. I know the Swiss do it on purpose. They have a history of discipline and they know the rules: they had them really strict at one time: no one could make any noise past 10 pm or the cops would come ( someone would call them), no littering, etc, etc. So now that they are more people in the country, the rules on small things like noise in a building have gotten more lenient. So now the Swiss will bug other people only because they want to and they can. Foreigners, I have talked to, like Eastern Europeans or Portuguese, they are not necessarily trying to mess with you but they don't think, because they are not used to many rules. Since most Swiss are scared of these kinds of foreigners, they don't say anything and let them do whatever , and then stab them in the back later on, while making as much noise and bending the rules as much as them.

Aug 13th

I am in the cabin again these days, without running water, in a very small place. With a piece of land around the place, and yes with a terrace that is as big as the inside of the chalet, but I never go out there, because the many old fools who walk by, take the time to stare at whoever sits outside because they want to see who it is what they do, how they're dressed, etc. I can't get used to these Swiss people staring all the time, especially when I am at home. At the supermarket, if I'm in a hurry or don't acknowledge every single person, because they like to make eye contact with everyone, they stare at me even more because they see I am not like them so they 'd like to know what is wrong with me and it bugs them that I am not like them even if I look Swiss. Which I am , help me God.

So I am in the chalet, still unemployed and trying to attract my winning... Supposed to not notice the lack of... lack of water, money, ... It's tough but it's the law ( another rule...), and I am gona try to make it work finally! I have read some of my writings from 11 years ago, and I then was trying to attract the same thing, money. I have not mastered that yet obviously.

I am still reading books. I am currently reading Robert Collier's Richer within your Reach. I have to say I loved the Secret of the Ages, as well. However there is a passage in this book that I don't agree with: Robert compares Switzerhell with Alaska. He writes that the Swiss have know how to market their country even if it is less diverse than Alaska. He also says that Switzerhell knows how to make money on a piece of wood , by carving it. Well I'd say they know how to scam the tourists by spending millions on marketing a false image. I don't know if that fits with Robert's view on loving your neighbor and giving love to receive love. Alaska is full of better people and I am sure happier people. The Swiss have used the few brain cells that they have to scam people, sell an image which is empty and very ugly. They have been helped by bigger scammers, the banks and their secret banking system. And by the way it is a secret system for the filthy rich, but if someone like me lies on the amount of money that I have on my bank account when I do my taxes , I will first receive a polite statement telling me to re-write the amount of money I have in the bank. There must be an agreement between the banks and the government where the tax system can find out exactly how much regular people and poor people have in the bank, but they can't get the numbers once it's above a certain amount.

　

Aug 15

I have so much disgust and hatred for this Swiss people. They have nothing to show for, at all in any sector, and especially not in the human department. Sure there are some doctors, engineers and scientists, but when they're done with their job, these people act like their looser neighbors, hating and badmouthing. The fact that I am full of rage because not only did these Swiss make my life and my Shadow's life ( and Shiva's through all of it) miserable on a daily basis, but they also killed my boy; explains the hatred and the desire to kill them all ( they are so many who have interfered in our lives negatively) . However the disgust I have and feel for these people is solely the emptiness of their hearts and the dullness of their minds. They not only live in luxury and do nothing for humanity , but they pollute humanity as a whole. Don't smile at this statement, for, if you do, you are part of them, part of the filth. Humanity needs help, for, only it, can save the planet, our home. Keeping the filth around, just to educate your kids in showing them how they're not supposed to be, is not good enough for the planet. Cleaning has to occur.

I was thinking what could be the positive purpose for me to have lived through this crap, not for a while but for so many years. Well when I was little I didn't know better. When I had to live through some sexism living with my mother, it just made me stronger and made me aware of men, probably to protect myself. When I lived in Switzerhell with my dogs, which were very precious to me, Shadow and Shiva , I felt the crap from Swiss people at a different level. As when you have a child, most people change and become protective because they start caring about someone else except themselves. It happened to me. The pain that I endured in Switzerhell could have meant that I had to get meaner, to win in life. Before when I was young, I was easily brought into thoughts of loving everyone, fairness and not asking for too much from life. It seemed to be the right way to live. When I moved to the US at 17 and was taking acting classes, then auditioning, I didn't feel like fighting. I didn't see the point. It was all good and what had to be was going to be. I didn't have it in me to fight for what I wanted because somewhere in me it didn't feel right. I was too nice. I would see someone get the audition and I would actually feel that that person was better than me and was meant to get it, and I was ok with loosing all the time. Even later in dance auditions, I remember having so much fun at auditions sometimes. I didn't have that Desire Power to get the audition. I had fun and for a Swiss girl like me, it was already awesome to be there, and the person that I am deep inside didn't feel like fighting to get a job that some other people wanted so-o-o badly. I couldn't fight to be in the front, in a group audition, or didn't feel like fighting for such a thing, when I had had to fight for survival in the past.

Maybe having lived in this filth these last 6 years might have been there to help me to win. Win more than survival, which I had always been good at, but hadn't felt the strong desire to win more. I was good so I had attracted some great events, moments. But I couldn't attract all that great stuff in my life permenantly because I felt it wasn't fair. Having too much money was unfair to others. I have that good in me , or have guilt in me, and having learned that having more than others is not "nice", I easily fell into the belief that I wasn't supposed to get too much. Just a bit to make me smile...

Well, I feel that "good" in me still, but another person has developed in me. I haven't won anything yet, am still suffering and trapped in my Swiss poverty, but maybe it takes a while for me to become that other person, that person that can be open to having more than others. I have developed the desire to kill, due to the rage that I have in me. That fact makes me feel safe. I feel safe that if needed I can and will kill. I used to be scared when I was little when I was alone at night for example. Not anymore. Ok great. It has helped me. Now I may not have become evil enough to want to win millions of francs, dollars or euros that many people are praying for. I feel all these people ( whatever their nature) praying and yearning for that money. My consciousness will tell you that I would love winning the jackpot in Switzerhell, also because I know that it would be their money, everyone's money that I would gather. But my subconscious is not there yet. That may be why I still attract all kinds of crap from people every single day. I must want all that s***. I am not a thief and have never liked to steal or felt it was worth the guilt and the risk of getting caught. I guess I am slowly trying to become someone truly willing to take all that money from people's dreams.

Aug 18th

There are so many American companies and companies from other countries, which have their headquarters in Switzerhell. They do hire some CEO s and employees from their country of origin and from all over the world. However, they do give a lot of Swiss work, mostly indirectly, like construction workers, furniture makers, food industry, wine industry, electronic appliances businesses, security companies ( systems and guards), etc. These American or other foreign companies are making Switzerhell richer. They're giving work to Swiss people and feeding their families and paying their mortgage, while families in their own country are starving and struggling to make ends meet. These companies ignore or don't really care that they are feeding a people that is a disease to humanity, don't help each other nor the world. The Swiss have no desire to make the world a better place. These companies are helping rich scumbags to get richer, basically. Whether you believe me or not, they still should want to better their country and their people first. Of course they only worry about making more money and paying less taxes. So Americans, before you go and criticize your government for going to war , criticize the laws for letting these companies have their headquarters in Switzerhell. If you have values, you can try to educate your own people ( trust me Americans are not in need of education, compared to other nations, but more education about everything is always better), not to go abroad with their companies, but stay home and help Americans get jobs and live in a decent way because you know that they deserve it! If any nation on this planet is anywhere close to becoming a better place human-wise, it is the United States of America.

Aug 24th

I am at the cabin and it's summer and warm at night so I have to keep the window open. Some old Swiss f*** comes near my place and coughs and smokes the cigare, to show me he can. He knows it bugs me because I come out and tries to look for him with the flashlight ( and the knife...) but I can never find him. He can hear me come out and since I also have to put pants on to come out so it takes me more than 1 minute and he has time to hide. Shadow used to bark when he was there and I knew there was someone outside really close to the cabin but at the time ( afraid of Shadow) the idiot ( supposing it was the same moron who was doing that every time) didn't make a sound, he just listened. So now that Shadow is gone, he wants me to know he is there. I swear if I get him, I am going to knife him, kill him if he doesn't kill me first. He seems to be quick though to hide well and not make a sound when I come outside to look for him at night. He drives me nuts. He does it just to bug my ass. I can't bear those people. Neighbors hear him, they know he is messing with me but they don't say or do anything of course. Bastard filthy human trash.

Aug 26th

The daily free newspapers where we can read about petty crime or sometimes heavier crime have arrived in Switzerhell only in 2005 or 2006. Swiss people used to not believe in what these "trashy" papers would write. According to them, only foreigners were criminals. Well now, there is a number of young immigrants who try to push more crime and illegal stuff to be known and seen by everyone. It is a new concept, and it is because of these young educated immigrants from all over the world, who are full of hope and good intentions. Some of them will leave the country as soon as they see that after writing a story that was not meant to be public, the author suspiciously dies of a mysterious death or "suicide". Nevertheless, the new arrivals, full of hope, do a good job, in pushing some stories on the news. The Swiss can say that the free papers print lies but they believe their tv news.

For example, yesterday we could see ( on the news) that a young Swiss guy came back from an army training and shot a random teenage girl at a bus stop. The girl died.

Today a 62 year old Swiss man in Geneva shot his 17 year old daughter and shot himself afterwards.

These are 2 days in the same small region in small Switzerhell. The Swiss are always quick to criticize the US and say that crime is high there, when they see a random shooting happening in the US. Because the US shootings will go on prime time Swiss news. Swiss or European shooting never get to the American news, and rightfully so, because before showing all the ugly stuff going on in other countries, better look at what's going on in your own country.

We also see , on the news sometimes, a few of the many husbands who shoot their wives in Switzerhell. Somehow the Swiss have a logical explanation for these acts, like the wife was pushing him to the edge, or he worked too hard... But the Swiss are always quick to judge Americans and call them "crazy".

Basically the Swiss believe they and their country are perfect, when corruption flows like water on earth, crime runs like rabbits not being chased, lies fill the air like pollution in a traffic jam, vicious acts penetrate everyday life like bad habits. Everyday life is a disease. And the worst thing is that most countries in the world also think that the Swiss and Switzerhell are perfect. The tourists come to Switzerhell and spend their money to feed the devil without knowing it or without wanting to know.

September 13th

I am still in the waterless chalet. When Shadow was here, people would do things in my back a lot like stealing things from my yard, or scratching my car, breaking something under the car to make it break down, throwing nails in my yard, etc, etc. And then they poisoned my dog after 2 years that we had moved in the chalet, and considering we didn't live there full time. In any case I am sure they tried to throw poison in the yard before. All the times when Shadow barked at night inside and then I went outside to look and saw nothing. That happened many times and I know that it was someone trying to do some s*** to us, not only the pricks who smoke and make noise to show that they're around. Imagining some people walk their dogs or get some fresh air late at night which I know for the most part they always walk their dog(s) around 9 or 10 for the last time and they don't go very far from their chalet, the path is not right next to my fence, so aside from pricks who want to look and listen to what I do or don't do, there are the pricks who try to come around to see if the dog barks and how close they can come without the dog noticing. Well, the truth is if I count the days, we didn't live in that chalet more than a year, and there is nowhere in this country that we actually could be in peace living anywhere more than a year. Swiss s***s have always done anything they could to make us move, because of my dog's breed, not his behavior! Not even because of my behavior, because I always took a lot of crap , fought discreetly until I couldn't no more and it was only when I knew that we were moving that I would open my mouth and not make any efforts on my behavior, like not saying hello or worrying about the loud music that I would play during the day. When I moved into a place I would always be very careful of the barking of my dogs and the music that I would play ( not too loud not too often), because I know these Swiss people and whoever else lives here, don't like dogs barking nor music. Construction work, cleaning and banging on walls to repair something are always very welcome noises in Switzerhell, the country of the smart, joyful and loving people.....

Now that I am alone with Shiva in the chalet, people are openly walking by near my fence and looking in, just to mess with me. At night when they come in my yars they make noise and make sure I hear them take stuff. They know I am not going to come out, and I don't if I hear more than one person because with whatever weapon, and I don't have a gun, I cannot take two people, or more. Yesterday, a bunch of men were standing not too far from my fence. They looked like hikers so I just did my own thing in the back of the chalet, thinking they would leave eventually. Well all of a sudden, I saw one prick walk inside my fenced yard. It's always locked but he jumped over. He saw I was in the back. He caught me by surprise. It's always when one thinks it will be ok that s*** happens. Since I was surprised I had no weapon handy. I just yelled and told him to get out immediately as he was coming really close to me and laughing like he was drunk. He was laughing at me yelling at him. I then took a stick and started hitting him. Only then did he change mood and started walking out, screaming at me that I was some crazy chick. He was drunk and didn't have much strength. He later sent a cop to come and take a look around here. I then went to get the camera. I always film a lot of these pricks so that 10 years from now when I am ready to kill them (lol), I will have their faces on film so that I don't forget them. The filming also works pretty well for the Swiss as they are afraid of the authorities and the filming is the only way to scare some a little bit. As for me I will never go to the cops anymore in this country. I know they won't help. They have proven it many times and even if I played the game of working in security so they would think I was on their side, it only helped in the sense that they had stopped harrassing me, driving by my place on regular basis.

Then to top the day yesterday, a couple of neighbors ( one of them is always in a chalet nearby and must own it) walked around and near my fence, and stopping to take pictures, pictures of the scenery but also of my chalet. That act had happened before, but when Shadow was there, the f***s would take pictures from afar, not come too close. Shadow would bark as soon as people were in the vicinity.

Another thing that happened the other day and that would never happen when Shadow was here: a man pissed in front of my chalet, and clearly in my direction so that I could see him. Again I so wanted to shoot him but I didn't. They were 2 guys.

What a crummy quality of life I have had to endure, living in this country. Living with the big dog, people would want us out, and living alone with Shiva, people f*** with us openly. I feel bullied more than anything. Swiss are more afraid of a dog than a woman with a weapon. They laugh at a woman with a weapon (whatever weapon because they don't think a woman has the guts to use it). These people look for s*** even more because they want to see how upset the woman can get. And if she dares defend herself with a weapon of any kind, they will file charges against her and she will pay, "who does she think she is , this WOMAN!". So sure I could get another dog and live in this filth until they kill him too. But no , no more dogs. Shiva is my king and I'll do my best to protect him for as long as I can.

As much as I know there are better people in the world than this filthy Swiss and the other crumb-bags who decide to live among them, and as much as I have tried hard to change my thinking process, I still grew up in this shit. And the only reason I can find, for the fact that I can't attract anything really good in my life to get me out of this Swiss gutter forever, is because that Swiss filth that I received as a child, until I was 17 (minus one year abroad when I was 12) is so deep in me that it's like a disease inside me that I can't exterminate. It's like my insides are contaminated. They are rotten. Despite all my efforts to have fun , treat myself, take care of myself, do good and have a positive attitude, I can't get through the scum that was planted in me ( I know I am a little dramatic here). I guess either I am not that strong to heradicate that filth because my sadness and my fears reappear every now and then, or that filth is just too deep in me that no matter how hard I try, I can never attract great good for myself. And even if I still hope for great things, I can never get rid of that filth.

I have also realized these days that hoping to win millions, hoping for a better life is useless. I have hoped and played lotto for 12 years now, or more but have wanted it badly ever since I got Shiva, and wanted it more and more when I had Shadow , and never did I win. I am starting to have that feeling that I am doomed. I am at the end. I will do everything I can to make Shiva happy. I think I will pack my bags very soon and go back to the US, and manage somehow, without money, without papers.... Because I want my Shiva to have a better life. If I can make him live another 5 , 6 years in the US, working as a slave , and when he gets tired of living, I'll come back to hell and do my job, get my and my dogs' revenge. One needs a plan in life. Even when life sucks, one needs a plan. Even if I am so happy today because I have come to agree with my reality instead of pushing the dream that hasn't happened ( the dream was to give Shiva and Shadow a real good stable house) , I am not suicidal. Even if I end up in jail later on, I will always cherish my memories, whether they were the love periods with my boys, or the fun I had in the US when I was young.

　

　

Sept 18th

I got this cabin/ chalet place for me Shadow and Shiva, for us to have a garden, a piece of grass to ourselves, and because the place is slightly isolated. Well on week-ends many people who have chalets come and stay around here. During the week, especially after the summer, it is quite calm; not too many hikers, nor cars, nor people staying in their chalets. So the only times I have ever enjoyed this place is when there is no one around. I had met a guy with huskies in the area who took very bad care of them in the summer, but he was an "ally". He had problems with his neighbors who were complaining about the noise from his dogs. Huskies don't even bark most of the time, they howl like wolves which makes less of an annoying sound than barking, but people still complain, go to the cops, slash tires, etc. We had talked about people poisoning dogs in this country, and he had told me that the people around here were complaining but he didn't think they wouldn't poison the dogs. Funny thing a few months after, we had stopped talking ( he was Swiss after all : so even if married, he assumed I would have sex with him at some point. Never happened so he got upset and stopped talking to me. I thought I had made every effort to not flirt the least bit but being nice and talking on a regular basis is already "provocation" is Switzerhell). He and his family moved, sold their chalet. I have a feeling it was because of the neighbors, complaining about his dogs and driving his family nuts. True that these dogs needed a bigger piece of land, but Swiss people don't worry about keeping dogs happy and healthy, they just complain about what is bothering their precious peace which they expect when they go to the country side. In France , one can see a bit of a difference. And don't tell me it's a bigger country. But if you go to the country side, people are easier on dogs barking than in the city. We went through a few insults, in Paris for a year, but I know for a fact that many people live in the country side , in other parts of France and people are more tolerable towards animals making noise. Even though I have heard that near the border of Switzerhell, there is a bunch of French people who are complaining about cowbells and trying to get a law forbidding the bells... Well according to my theory, the part of France that touches Switzerhell is contaminated. Living in Paris was not healthy on a psychological level, because the French would throw insults at my dog's breed a lot, but the French will bark and yap a lot. It doesn't mean they will attack in any way or stab you in the back. No one tried to kick us out of the building we were living in, nor poison my dog. I am not saying dog poisoning doesn't exist in France because it does, but in the percentage of the population, the bastards are only a minority compared to Switzerhell where they are a majority.

So I had gotten this waterless place which didn't have electricity when I moved in. I had it installed. But it was this little cabin, wooden thing where we could sleep at night without having neighbors mess with my nights. I thought it would be great, and people would be further and maybe leave us alone. As soon as I realized that people were messing with me here too, in smaller ways at first, like stealing some tools, bucket, pissing against my fence, flashing us with bright lights from their chalets as I was walking my dogs at night about half a mile away from their chalet, jumping over my fence to look through the window, etc, I knew it was either because I was a woman alone or had a dog of an unwanted breed. I started letting my dog bark to let me know when there was someone around. I would get nervous or check when there was a car parking right in front of or in the back of my place. I started hating seeing people walk by, hating more when they would stop and stare. Now that Shadow is not there, I can't bear it when I hear a car parking near by. I hate these people so much. This includes being scared that the people would come to mess with me and me wanting to or maybe killing them, or people shooting me just because they can, or them attacking me and Shiva because they don't like us and there are no witnesses around. Etc, etc. I can't stand a car coming near and stopping anymore. When I look at the situation from afar, I realize I am exaggerating but my feeling are there, exaggerated. They killed my boy and I want to kill them. Shiva is the only one who is stopping me. I am slowly getting paranoid because I feel like they could feel how badly I want to kill these people for what they have done to us through the years and taken my boy away from me. I still have my little boy, thank god.

　

September 22nd

Happy birthday Shiva!

On the news in Switzerhell: Today and more and more, people are informed about the police crimes. I say it's better than nothing. I know that there are bigger crimes that people will never hear about, but at least cops are being exposed, not fired most of the times, but exposed to the media for their actions like the cops who filmed women being searched at the police station ( naked search), or other cops suspected of touching young girls. These female things are small petty crimes for Switzerhell. People say men will be men. Since this is a country where rape has to be "proven " and witnessed, even women know that men raping or touching females in various circumstances are facts of life.

Another thing on the news: Farmers are being paid less and less. As much as I am not a fan of these people individually, since I have had proof of their heartless natures when the farmer who threatened to shoot my big dog because we were walking on a path where his daughter was riding her bike and she was really scared ( my dog hardly noticed her go by on her bicycle). I will always remember the day he showed me his gun and told me he could shoot on the spot. That happened outside with a few buildings around, so people saw and heard him. To them, the farmer was right , as usual, against a dog of the hated breeds. But as a group, as a profession, I like farmers.

The other farmer is the one who lives, in the summer only, across the street from my chalet. He and his workers used to insult and threatened my dog when he barked, which meant I couldn't leave my dogs in the garden, outside with the door of the chalet open. With the things they said I was too afraid that they would poison him or shoot him, or open the door of the fence for my dogs to go loose and get killed in some way ( that often happens when people want to do something against dogs and they don't have the "guts" to poison them). Well , having a chalet and a yard/ garden, I had to take my dogs in the car when I was teaching French and English. I used to teach a bit far away two hours in the morning, and then at lunch at then 2 hours again, in the evening. I should have been able to leave them in the yard at least for half of the day. But knowing these bastards, and knowing that there weren't many witnesses around, I had to take the poor dogs in the car, the whole day. Well, we would go for a walk in the morning after my first classes, and then in the afternoon, in between classes. But still these hours in the car shouldn't have been. It was summer and the windows were wide open and I used to worry that they'd be too hot. They could also have been poisoned in the car, with all the windows open. But if when one stays at one place only a few hours, people know we will leave and don't poison the dogs in the car, usually. And last winter, I am not sure who poisoned my dog. It could have been that farmer or anyone else.

Well farmers are now protesting because the country is paying them less and less ( milk is always cheaper). And that while CEO's and bankers are being paid more and more. Some farmers are protesting by wasting milk, pouring it on the street. Their protests are not getting any results. I don't know why the Swiss government doesn't want to keep its farmers. Apparently it wants to keep only the rich ones, because they are the only ones who will survive this crisis.

September 27th

I met this dude through the web. Sometimes I go on the web to see what the international community does, in Switzerhell. They have parties for expats. I went to a few. Last time I laughed when the expat group who organizes parties said that the next party was in an open space so they couldn't control the Swiss coming in. There was a warning sign on the website: "There may be some Swiss", and it was a serious note. Funny to me. To show you that even the expats who are not much smarter for choosing to live in Switzerhell, hate the Swiss, can't stand them. They already have to deal with them at the post office and at the supermarket. I was once teaching French to a group of ladies, wives of expats. When they realized I was on "their side ", agreeing with them on many subjects, they opened up to telling all these stories of what happened to them in town, like men not giving them any respect, the Swiss acting weird and primitive, etc. That was funny too for me. It was very shocking to them, but I had heard and lived all that stuff before.

Anyway I was on the web a while back and had met this single expat, who to this day I haven't met in person yet. But we have talked on the phone since we don't live in the same town and he travels a lot for business. Anyway we were talking yesterday on the phone, and I told him how I lived in a chalet. I usually don't want to brag about living without running water and very little comfort, and don't like to tell people until I know them , especially if it's a guy that I may like and want to date him. If he knows that I take showers only once a day , or up there with a cloth and some soap and water in a big cooking pot, he may run away. He said in a shocked voice : " So what if in the morning you feel like splashing your face with water? and wash your hands?" Good point. What if? Well I don't feel like doing these things because I can't. There are enough things I feel like doing and I can't, to worry about splashing my face with water. I have Evian water sprays, I have baby wipes, I have bottled water, and cleaning lotion for the face. Yes running water is a luxury, but as much as I wish for a lottery winning that would enable me to leave this country forever, buy a home with running water, and lots of land around it, in a country that I like and have little dog friends for Shiva, I don't really care about this water thing. I manage. I also told him, my stove heats up with wood only so I have to either buy wood or go to the forest and get wood and cut it. Not to mention that the temperature for cooking sort of depends on how the fire is doing. The heat in the room depends on how the fire is doing too. I also have to get water from the well ( not too clean) in a bucket for the toilet. I fill the bucket up during the day and bring it inside ready to be poured. I pour the water in after I do number 2 only. It's true it's a bit heavy to lift the bucket full of water in the morning and aim for the toilet. It's much easier to flush, one takes it for granted. The TV which I bought the new digital antenna for, doesn't always work. It worked better back in the days when we had the old antenna system. Now it works for a while and then, it messes up. This guy was shocked to hear people live like that. It's not really a big deal to me. I wanted to be in an isolated place. True, this place was for Shadow. Shiva and me are still here because I am jobless and waiting to relocate when I get work. I was happy to live like this for Shadow and Shiva to have a little bit of land of their own. Now that Shadow was poisoned, I can't let Shiva go outside by himself without checking on him every 10 minutes, and also keep the window and the door open so I can hear if someone comes near. That's the worst part right now, living here. I am so nervous, someone would hurt Shiva. I know they hated the breed of my big dog, but who knows what these idiot Swiss hate now besides the fact that I am a woman living alone and that is abnormal to them. They have made me pay for that in the past, so I am on guard and it's tiring. That's the thing I hate about living here. Other than that, I don't care about the lack of luxury that much. It's the country side so I do get a lot of quiet time at night and during the week when it's not sunny.

I have tried to summarize this Swiss filth and I have come up with this: There are 3 categories in Switzerhell: The filthy rich which are made of some Swiss and foreigners who are extremely rich, then very wealthy, and overpaid CEOs. They make money off poor people and children all over the world. They scam and rip people off and some are part of major crime organizations. For some reason, these filthy rich people pay very little taxes, compared to the amount of money they make and they have.

Then you have the working poor. Poor is not because they don't have money but because their minds are poor, or they're not willing to work fulltime, which is my case . Some are unproductive, ungrateful and grow to be arrogant and vicious. They can make good money for any lame job. Switzerhell is known to have high salaries, in general. These people pay regular taxes which tend to seem like a lot. They get frustrated but don't show their anger because they know that they are lucky to get that much money for the amount of work they do. So they keep it in, just like every feeling that they have been taught to keep inside since they were kids, as Swiss citizens. These people take it out on others. They backstab others for little things, like someone parking in their spot, or seeing a dog peeing near their fence or house, having a neighbor that has more than them in some way. They backstab in doing things like slashing tires, stealing mail, etc, etc.

The third category is the unemployed, retired and the illegal aliens. They have more time on their hands to help category 2 with the backstabbing, and they steal ( which, category 1 and 2 pride themselves on not stealing).

The 3 categories commit crimes and number 1 gets away with it always, number 2 if they are men and category 3 if they know someone...

September 30th

Mr Polanski has been arrested.... An official administrator of the Swiss government is on the news tonight saying that the Swiss police was right to arrest Mr Polanski because Switzerlhell follows the rules, acts according to the law and is a nation that always insists on doing the right thing. He said that with a serious face. His whole speech could have been a comedy. Mr Polanski has owned a chalet in Gstaad, Switzerhell for years and has been coming at least four times a year to his chalet. He is known to ski a lot, to dine out and walk the streets. He hasn't been hiding. This story illustrates well how the Swiss keep rich criminals safe and happy. Even some Swiss say today that it's really hypocritical to all of a sudden arrest Mr Polanski when tons of people knew that he was in Gstaad many times throughout the year. There was no police outside his chalet to wait for the next time he would come there, and arrest him! When I had pepper sprayed a lady in a ski resort after Shiva had been attacked, the cops all over the country had been trying to find me because it happened in a famous ski resort and the cops said that a woman was not going to get away with anything like that. The cops in the ski resort talked to the cops in the town I lived and the day I came home , they called me to tell me that I was called to appear at the police station at the ski resort. At that time they weren't even sure it was me. They had no proof. It was when I went up there that the lady recognized me when the cops drove me around, telling me they were going to show me where the incident happened, when they were really taking me somewhere where the lady who had been sprayed was hiding and from where she could see me.

This country makes me SICK! Mr Polanski has been travelling not only in Switzerhell, but in other countries, while he was convicted of sexual assault on a 14 year old girl. I was 14 once. I remember, I was a child. The Swiss and the French are saying that a 13, 14 year old girl can be very mature. Right...

The fact is that Mr Polanski was going to appear in a big event where the Swiss couldn't lie and say they didn't see him! So because they want to keep a relationship with the US, they all of a sudden said they caught Mr Polanski. After all, the only power Switzerhell has over the US is the amount of money, dirty money most of the time, that they keep for them in banks. Now things are changing a bit. The US has threatened , demanded to see a number of accounts of their citizens. The Americans who want to avoid being "discovered" on a Swiss bank list, will simply reside in Switzerhell now. They will have their residency in Switzerhell so that the US won't be able to get them for their large amounts of money. When you're filthy rich, it is so easy to get residency anywhere. The poor workers from Africa or Eastern European countries, have a hard time getting residency! Some are even deported, even if their children are legally Swiss. Not too long ago, there was this Indian guy in Basel who had worked as a street cleaner, paid taxes , for some 15 years. He was liked by citizens who knew him. Even with a job like that, he was the one who always had a smile on his face, who was helping people ( thing that Swiss people don't do). And he was deported!

Come on it's time the world sees this country for what it is. The scum of humanity! And Muslim extremists go after the US for capitalism and sinful ways of living! Come on!

October 10th

There is a famous Swiss writer ( no it's not worth mentioning his name) who was interviewed on prime time Swiss TV. He wrote a lot about the women in his life, resembling his mother. The interviewer asks him about that. He got offended and responded that his relationship with his mother was pure and he never desired her. He said that psychology is sometimes wrong. His mother was always fully covered around the house and he never had any "bad"thoughts. This supposedly educated man writes about his mother in a sexual way and about the women in his life who had traits of or resemblance to his mother. Swiss people are so used to being hypocritical about everything that they can't even hold a conversation and make some sense! Even on TV!

October 14th

I am still surviving, living in this country. It's amazing. My sadistic subconscious probably wants me to go to the point where I either kill someone or just go nuts. These people are idiotically repugnant. I really am getting to the point where I can't bear it. I know I must be doing this to myself, because I have always gone back and forth from the US to Switzerhell whether it was on vacation or for some other found reason. I have had a foot in the US and one in Switzerhell for 21 years, at least. I keep coming back to Switzersh** because I have residency and things like my mother and what not, but looking at it from afar, I realize what a looser I have been, to want to hurt myself by coming back so often for so long. I hate the place and it hates me. Actually it hated me first and in return I started to hate it more and more. One can't be bullied forever, nor adapt to it. Even if it is tough love, because I have learned a lot in Switzerhell, like how low people can go and be, how dull, unpassionate, unloving, stupid and unnecessary humans can be, how vicious they can be for little things when they have a decent comfortable life,and how hypocritical a whole nation can be.

I had to get out of the chalet because pricks were messing with me, coming in my yard and being their Swiss if-you-can't-be-like-us-get out-of-here selves. They know they succeeded killing my dog, and now they want me to act the way they want me to, or get out. I could kill them but they always come in two or more these days, so I couldn't. Without a gun I can't kill 2 men! Or I'd be really good! Anyway, the last thing that made me want to kill them and cried a lot instead was one punk was hanging over my fence calling me and screaming that he didn't see my big dog anymore ( as if I was supposed to come out and confirm to him that my dog died), then another was in his car that was parked right there up the muddy hill, close to me fence, and was also calling me by my last name and telling me to come out, he had something to say. I didn't answer since I knew it was some old f*** just messing with me. The guy started walking all around the fence and trying to see through the windows and calling. I was thinking of using the fire extinguisher on his face , but as I was trying to see where he was exactly, without him seeing me, I fell and knocked over my huge pot of water that I had boiled twice and that was ready for me to wash myself. I didn't have any other clean water after that, and I had just made a big fire and it was warm enough in there, so I wasn't about to get more water in my pot and wait until it boils ( the fire has to be really swell for the stove to get hot and the large amount of water to boil). So anyway, I knocked this whole water down because I fell , and I started to realize that I couldn't take this life any more. I am poor, living like a poor person which I wouldn't mind so much if bastards would leave me alone. I liked that chalet because it was slightly isolated, and with Shadow, not too many people would bother us. They would back stab but everyday life was better than in a studio in an apartment building. Me and Shiva have been surviving in there for a while now, and that's it. I can no more. This country is only safe for a single woman if she lives in a city with lots of people she knows well around her, and especially lots of people that will have her back, visiting her , etc.

So I rented a room in a farm 70 miles from the chalet. They have 3 dogs, cats and cows. I feel safer at least. The farmers haven't messed with me yet. I keep a distance of course. I don't mingle, have tea or coffee, and hopefully they will leave me alone for 2 weeks. The good thing when you own your place in Switzerhell is that you can put heat when you want. Every room or apartment building in the country is set on low heat in the day time and no heat at night. I like the opposite, warmer at night than during the day, just like some other cultures I have heard. I freeze at night, even under the covers. Nose and cheeks all red...

At the chalet, there is the electrician who started to fix the electricity last year and never finished. He now wants to come right now and I have to be there for him because now is when he is available and he has to finish! Again, had I been a man, I wouldn't be treated like that. The electricity would have been be totally installed last year. This guy waited a year to call me that he was ready to come and finish the job. I am not going up there for this asshole. These people are going to force me to sell the place. My mother can get her money back and I am going to keep living like a gypsy, moving apartments when it gets unbearable. I really can't live anywhere in this country without having people messing with me until I move out. I am a woman, I am single, Swiss and I should according to them, be extremely friendly and tamed ( wanting to talk to them for hours, invite them over, go their chalet, eat the same food as them think the same thoughts as them dress like they do, etc etc ) and submissive to everyone. I know for a fact that if I spent the hundreds of hours kissing their feet, maybe I would only be bothered once or twice a month by whoever ( a man) thinks he should be rewarded ( affection) for having been nice to me.

It's like some Swiss women say: "dogs only listen to men". It's funny how these Swiss females love their positions, where they run to their men for everything. Don't tell them they should fight for their rights because it would be make them think too much and stress them out! God forbid, their little submissive position with the right to vote and to work is enough, is great for them, and don't nobody bother them! I tried to tell them once or twice and they insulted me and told me I was a man!

October 15

In Switzerhell I need to watch American series in order to feel better. I hardly watch TV when I am in the US. But I am taking the opportunity to be in this lame country to watch TV, a lot of TV. Some shows are in English, plus you can watch the whole series without commercials... Well there is a positive thing about Switzerhell! Of course in the US you have TVO, but here watching these shows without interruption works for me.

　

October 18th

My plight is to show the world the scum of the Swiss aside from the fact that I personally hate their ways, such as their right to stare and stare at a woman, and she is supposed to like it. Or their sheep mentality where if you're in a gym, at the supermarket, in a movie theater, people will gather like a herd instead of using the space wisely, standing in line like human beings. Herds of animals don't even push each other that much. I also want the world to see the viciousness of these Swiss people who sometimes appear nice and reserved.

There was one positive thing about Switzerhell 30 years ago, which was not a big thing but it was the fact that people didn't steal small stuff like clothing, keys, etc if you lost them or forgot them somewhere. That's gone. And no, it is not because of immigration, like the Swiss will say. The Swiss are just getting lamer and lamer. The whole population is attaining its peak of scum-ness. Some will find excuses and say that it's the time in the Universe. In many countries you will still find a good amount of people who strive to do good or at least better! I have seen it even in countries like France and Germany.

At the gym, they stole my towel. The guy who works at the gym told me people almost never give back towels when they lend them to people. The gym in Switzerhell is much more expensive than the US even if some are cheaper. They cost from 800 to 1400$ a year. And these people steal towels... The gym is starting to fine people who don't return towels. They didn't need to do that 20 years ago because people would always return towels. If not the day of, the next time they came. The Swiss don't steal because they need a towel, they steal because something bothered them.

I have found a gym with windows and space and high ceilings, where I got a one month membership ( one month shouldn't give these people too much time to realize that I am not like them, and bug me). Usually gyms are underground or with few windows, or windows people are not allowed to open ( except some men the personnel will let). This gym is in an old factory building so it's bright, is gets a lot of sun. I haven't been told I couldn't open the windows yet, so I keep opening them. I got in today and it stunk so bad I am not sure if people don't realize they or their friends stink, or if they're so into their work out they haven't noticed ( lol), or if they are so used to not opening the windows at home when the heat is on ( the Swiss never open the windows for long in the cold months even if their heating systems are strong enough that if they open for a few hours daily, it heats back up quickly). These people so stink. I know I have a sensitive nose ( maybe I am a reptilian), but I still say they could get in the habit of taking showers in the morning when they get up because they don't if they know they are going to take a shower after the gym... I remember going to the gym on week-ends in the US and always smelling clean people ( I can smell soap if people just took a shower). Before dance class, same thing. I appreciate that.

This gym also has big windows to let the sun come in. Instead of opening the windows, getting some air and letting the sun give heat and light, they like to keep the windows closed, and roll down the blinds. They hate going to the gym and they must hate the sun and fresh air. I heard women talking in the lockers' room after an aerobics class. They were saying how they have tricks to make themselves come to work out because they don't like to work out, it's such a drag and tiring. They said that going to the gym right after work, before going home, was one way to get motivated, or during lunch time, and then they're done with it, they said. I understand that even some Americans don't enjoy the gym fully and do it out of habit or something they must do, but I have also seen in the US, so many people enjoy their work out, laugh and make it fun. In Switzerhell, that's another reason why they stare at me, because they see I enjoy it, even if I don't laugh because I keep to myself now in this "fun" country... And it bugs them that I like what I am doing and that I am not "suffering", working out. I know that one of the reasons that whenever I walk away from a machine I am working on ( even if my towel is on there), someone wants my machine and takes it or stands in front like a zombie to show me she or he wants it. I hate the gym here, even I like working out. I had stopped going, but after a while I need it like a good drug. The atmosphere is unbearable among these Swiss people trying to work out. I have gone from ( 3 years ago) ignoring these people and trying to find one or two dudes I could talk to , to have them on my "side " to make the atmosphere decent, to getting angry and telling people to stop staring, or get their own machines. Then within the last year or so, I am not looking at people at all, moving away from them without saying a word when they steal my machine without asking, when my towel is still on it. Now I can't bear their energies. I am not looking at them but I can feel their scum, their negative energies, plus I have to smell their filth... Imagine. I know I know, people are starving in the world, so these little things seem like little nothing. But I am just comparing industrialized rich countries and behaviors. In the gyms in Switzerhell the equipment is so new and looks so unused, and they often have the best of what technology offers. Talk about an ungrateful people who have the best of everything and still hunt people down and make their lives miserable when their target has a dog of a breed they don't approve of, or live in a manner they don't approve of, or come from a country they don't approve of.

Oct 19th

I am renting a room in a farm, which I found on a Swiss tourism site. I needed to get out of that chalet with all these pricks who were bugging me. It's safer here, a big house, big family, farm. No one messes with them and they don't mess with me. So that part is good. Well, I got here a week ago, met the woman of the house, nice lady ( well she rents out 4 rooms in her house so she is used to having lots of tourists around and since no one else in the family is nice, she does the job. Her husband has never been introduced to me. I see people dining in the kitchen and I sort of guessed who he was, but otherwise I hear him walk up and down the stairs late at night and in the morning. I try to avoid him because not having been introduced and seeing him look at me with his nasty Swiss eyes from the kitchen table when I pass by, he doesn't seem friendly, like most Swiss. He doesn't have to make an effort, I paid for the room already. I am sure he is friendlier when it's a couple, or a man alone who comes to stay here. Last night his wife was out. Her car was not there. He slammed some doors at 10:30 pm and that woke me up and freaked me out. I had just fallen asleep. I knew she wasn't in. The grown children live in other houses in the village, they don't sleep in this house as far as I know. They just come in for the meals. Needless to say I barely slept last night since my room door doesn't lock..

I get to use the kitchen after hours, like in the morning after they have breakfast, or in the afternoon , in between their lunch and dinner. It's not very convenient plus today, the man was watching TV in the living room to which I don't have access. It was 3 pm and I was washing my salad. He was clearing his throat over and over to let me know he was there and I was using too much water, I was letting the faucet run in order to wash my salad. I wash my salad one leaf at a time. The Swiss wash their salad in a bowl. It doesn't wash very well, but they save water. Yes good for the planet. It's not for that, it's because it's been like that for generations. Some men beat their wives because the wives use too much water.

I am paying 300 francs per week which is now about 280 dollars. We're not in a big city, we're in a village on flat land about 4 miles from the ugly lake ( lake of Neuchatel is uglier than the Lac Leman, Lake of Geneva). It's really too expensive for it is. But I wanted to get out of the chalet before I killed someone, so I am here for 2 weeks.

　

Oct 22

I have written about how the law of attraction works with the Swiss in the sense that they could care less about others and they find happy feelings in their luxury houses. The law of attraction says that one has to feel the joy to attract more of it. Well, the Swiss feel the comfort, the confidence, and they attract more. They however don't care about others, and don't worry about them, nor think about them. I found that back in the days we noticed Swiss people carrying a lot of guilt and feeling uncomfortable in their skin. Well they still feel uncomfortable in their skin as soon as their environment is not like they re used to having, but the guilt is gone. The feeling uncomfortable in their skin attracts the need to make others' lives uncomfortable. They can be so vicious to their neighbors, co-workers, fellow citizens for small things. They don't "care" about people to help them but they care about how they live their life, to punish them for anything they decide is not right. They don't feel guilty about that behavior at all like they used to. They used to go out of their way to hide to make sure no one saw them . Well now they are a bit more careless because they are so confident in their crooked morals! They never ever go out of their way to help others ( when they do it's their family or an obligation to someone) , they don't even know what that concept means: help others for no other reason than help others... But they will waste their energy to mess with others, to make people's lives miserable, without feeling any guilt any more. They keep their happy feelings and attract happy feelings. It even makes them laugh when others suffer, and I mean grown people not just kids. These are respected people in society... not mentally disturbed individuals! Right. My point is they have got the law of attraction down in one way. If one is happy hurting others, should the law of attraction work too? and attract more happiness and comfort for these fools?

When is the world going to realize that these Swiss are a lost breed of humans that in turn breed the worst potential psychopaths. It is getting worse especially when you know that these Swiss f***s are getting stronger because more confident and happy while destroying who ever has less money than them or is a woman. The world has started to feel this negative growing energy but the world is only addressing the tip of the iceberg, like the Jews of New York knew already a while back something was going wrong in Switzerhell when they claimed their money, and we all know how much the Swiss have a habit of wanting to keep those billions in their banks.

All the rich foreigners who live in Switzerhell refuse to mix with the Swiss because they think the Swiss are just boring. They love them from afar, from their mansions. They were saying that the Jews should have recuperated their money after the war. They were saying, like the Swiss, that it was unbelievable that they used the power of the US to back them up on getting money that belonged to their fellow deceased Jews but not necessarily to them. Didn't I tell you that the Swiss and their rich thug friends were all scumbags?

Oct 22nd

I was trying to figure out why I couldn't stand Swiss people around me, because it is one thing to say I hate their guts but explain: So the Swiss or whoever lives in Switzerhell is used to people doing things the same way all the time. People talk the same, think the same overall, eat the same, a lot of cheesy stuff, flirt the same, look at other people the same, dance the same ( LOL), walk the same, dress the same, etc. If one person comes into their sight with a different way of doing a thing they do a certain way, it throws them off and they all react the same. At the gym, people work out slowly, sit on their machine in between sets, look at other people with a tired oblivious look like life is tough but let's keep going. Working out is not fun. Life is not fun to them. They're like an old person who can't see well nor hear well and hasn't seen much in her or his life. Animals don't look at you this stupidly. Animals whether predatory or not, kind of look maybe with a blunt look or simple stare. The Swiss, what they really want to know is if you don't do things like them. And you, as non-conformist should give all your positivism to them , to pay your dues for being different, or they will hate your guts. They want to know what you do, what you eat, how many times a week you train, why you train the way you do, etc. I mean there are some people who are curious and find a person interesting. For the Swiss it's not like that. They so hate it that you are not like them, that they feel entitled to getting something from you. It's as if an alien came down , and they had to know to receive gifts from the alien before even deciding whether to greet the alien or not. At the gym, when you work out, you are in a somewhat intimate state, in a sweaty-moving your body state that is different from when you are fully dressed and are in a public setting. For me, when I go to the gym which I like, I like to let go, feel good, be me, hence the need for a welcoming atmosphere. When people mind their own business like in many gyms in the US, even if not everybody is super happy, I never feel the heavy atmosphere that is in Switzerhell. The few Swiss who do work out in a special way either for another sport, or professionally, they love their fellow citizens asking them questions, and good for them if they have the time and enjoy to smile at everyone to make sure they don't hate her or him because she or he is different. I unlike most people I presume, am sensitive to energies because it is a place where one is supposed to let go and have a moment for themselves. Like I always say, if you walk around a remote village in Africa, people will stare at you with a smile because they might want a few dollars. In Switzerhell they will stare at you with an opposite smile ( corners of the mouth down) because they might want to poke you in the eye for daring to walk around , being different than them. The one thing you can be sure when you land in Switzerhell is that you will have to make the first step in being nice, even if you're a client.

I can assure you that it's not a pleasant place, and I am just talking about little things like energies and being nice. Of course we know about all the corruption, the dirty money and the scams of the banks that are hidden behind the beautiful picture of the Alps.

　

Oct 22

Tonight I am watching this show on immigration in Switzerhell. They're showing the church groups who collect money for foreigners who, after having received a rejection to the requisition to stay in the country. Some foreigners who come from countries with real political problems and wars: Switzerhell will give these people a place to live, good money to live on, and sometimes the right to work. These people get more money than I get from unemployment. However, as soon as some of these foreigners get a letter saying that their authorization to stay in the country was rejected, they get much less money and a deadline to leave the country. The church groups are appalled. Have they checked with other countries? That's how it works almost all over the world, if you're not allowed to stay in a country, then you're supposed to leave.... hello... The church groups say that it's shocking that these foreigners have to live with so little money and that it is sad. Most of them have a place to stay. If they had just arrived, then they are put in camping grounds which are really luxurious camping grounds compared to other countries. They have running water, heat, TV. There are large comfortable caravan-like square metallic moveable buildings. These people have more luxury than me in my cabin. Yes I chose to live in this cabin for the little piece of grass around, instead of a balcony or no balcony in a studio. The inside of the cabin is not bigger than a small studio. I am not complaining. These foreigners cry for help and beg for money at the church because they say they are treated like animals! Please! They must be talking about the few well-treated cats and dogs in the country! Because many dogs and cattle sleep outside in Switzerhell. These foreigners are illegal and they are given money, little but still money to live on.

These church groups somehow feel sorry for them when there are a number of unemployed Swiss or other people who live quietly without complaining , having a hard time to feed their family. These church people are the same people who decide a breed of dog is not supposed to live in their village, and if they do, they will join others who act against the owner of such a dog, to get them to leave the village. It is outrageous how these Swiss f***s don't make any sense! But that's how they feel. Everyone is entitled to his opinion and feelings; if they judge foreigners who have been rejected, to be good enough to get respect and help to get more money, when they judge that a person ( Swiss or not usually) with a dog they don't like , to be good enough not to get respect, peace to live their life without having to defend themselves, and to be thrown out of their apartment. Go Switzerhell, great sense of morality!

　

People should be honored to have animals in their towns. They should be honored to have the opportunity to look at, feel the energies of different kinds of animals, different breeds of dogs, etc. I know that is just my own opinion. People from all over the world are killing animals so much that many species, beautiful species mind you, are almost extinct. I realize that poor people in some countries have one and only one opportunity to make a living, and that is to kill animals for other people. But in rich countries, like I know in the US and Canada, and some European countries, people value animals and pets, even if there is a minority of people that mistreats animals even in those countries. But the real difference is "minority". In Switzerhell there is a small minority ( in an already small country) that truly loves animals and take cares of them one way or another. There are no ways of helping animals. The few organizations where you can volunteer at, have restrictions and strict schedules for you to work. The volunteers also witness atrocities, and can't do anything about it. It is impossible! Ask me, it is stupid. Maybe in 30 years, they will realize that if they rethought their volunteer programs, they would have a few more people signing up, even if the Swiss don't volunteer that much, it's a fact. The wives of expats, or other foreigners do. Well it's better than nothing I guess.

When the Swiss will go to the US and learn about volunteer programs in shelters, maybe they'll realize how lame they are. They might even take a few things and use them at home. I am very hopeful. Everything is copied on the US, Canada. Any new thing that comes up is a copy, in all fields. Of course you'll tell me, there are some organizations with brains and qualities, like the EPFL; the CERN, the CHUV: all the research places that often come up with several new discoveries. How many Swiss work in those places again? A small minority. Most of the scientists are people from all corners of the world. These Swiss organizations are filthy rich and have the money to hire the best of the world.

　

Nov 18th

Well I needed to go back to the US for 3 weeks. Since I don't spend money on anything, really in Switzerhell, I saved up a bit to take this other trip this year because I so needed it. It's been amazing. When I left Swiss ground on a flight, with Shiva in my bag under the seat in front of me. I was thrilled. The first time this year Shiva and me went to the US, I was a mess, I had lost my big boy and was very sad. But this second time I could actually enjoy life a bit. We then had a stop-over in Europe and finally left European grounds, and it was really a great sensation. We arrived in the US and suddenly forgot all about Switzerhell. I love how I can do that. I think Shiva does it with me too! We were waiting for our hotel shuttle, thirsty and tired, but so happy, standing there... breathing..... and feeling ok with society..... feeling like people around were human, relaxed, normal.

Not knowing where we were going but not caring. I had a reservation at an airport hotel so me and Shiva could go to the Matrix Energetics seminar that first week-end. I thought I needed that seminar to give me hope to go with this life in a positive way. As soon as we got off the plane, I realized we were in a "normal " country ( unlike Switzerhell), where people are nice, smiling ( well not everyone but enough people to make it shocking compared to Switzerhell), talking to me with common sense. At the hotel, they were very welcoming( it may seem normal to some people but to a Swiss it doesn't ). I was so happy to be there. I attended the Matrix seminar with Shiva. I didn't get much. It is very new for me. I was frustrated but also glad to see all the stuff that was going on. Since I have lived in Switzerhell for many years I don't trust humans much so I tended to doubt some of the stuff Richard said or did. What first got to me was a dog: a service dog who was on stage with his owner and behaved in a way that I knew there was something happening as far as transformation for the dog's owner. I trust dogs more than people so I started believing there was something to this from that point on. It's not like they could have trained the dog to act the way he did. I still had a hard time understanding a lot of the stuff that was talked about, but I felt like this could be a start to something. Of course my great wish that a miracle would happen to me in the next 2 weeks so that I could stay in the US instead of going back to Hell. But I was too eager , wanting too much too fast as usual... So here I am 3 days before my plane leaves... I was supposed to leave last Sunday but I extended my trip to another week. That was good already. But that was the only miracle I could make happen. I can't even think of going back to That place because I feel so good in this town, state, country.

Within the 3 weeks though some of the things I noticed was how the economy had closed down a lot of places since the time I lived here as a student. The economy going down was really noticeable for me on different levels. All businesses are cutting down, cutting back. It's sad. In Switzerhell it seems they are getting richer. The economy thing was just a scare over there. The reason is mostly: the rich Americans and people from other countries are making money in the US and not spending it in the US, they are putting it in Switzerhell, not to pay taxes on it. A lot of them are even getting Swiss residency so they won't have to hide from the IRS. All the international companies that have their headquarters in Switzerhell are not helping their own countries! Switzerhell is a country made of scum bags, human trash, and it's getting richer every day! It's a shame. It's a shame to hear that dance classes have to be canceled because only one or two people show up because people cannot afford to take dance classes anymore. I remember that city with tons of great dance classes....Now only a few studios survive. The community centers are suffering. It's a shame.

Nov 20th

I traveled Air France for the last time on this last trip. I had traveled with them before, without being really satisfied. On this trip, they pushed it too far according to me. They registered me and my luggage under someone else's name. I didn't realize it right away. I went through check in, took my boarding pass that they gave me without checking that my name was on it. I have traveled many times and never did I think of checking that my name was on the boarding pass! I always checked the gate number and that's it. So I get to the boarding area, and the Air France personnel guy tells me that I probably won't be able to get on this flight, and asked me if I minded if he put me on the next flight. I said there was no way that was going to happen. He then told me that my luggage was registered under a different name, and that I had to get it and check it in at our stop-over. On the plane, I got an aisle seat ( airlines usually give person with a dog in cabin a window seat so that people seating to the right or left won't have to walk over the dog to go to the bathroom). Air France always gave me aisle seats. The problem was, this time, the lady next to me was allergic to dogs, and she was pregnant. So Air France made it look like I was the problem, even though I told them about the fact that they had made a mistake about the name I was registered under. Air France personnel were trying to pretend not to understand what I was repeating both in English and in French... They ended up upgrading to business class, this one lady who was sitting by a window, so I got her seat. At the stop-over I ran to get my luggage , tried to check it back in but didn’t have the time. I told Air France personnel my story and again, they didn't want to understand. Finally after I started yelling ( that is the only way to get Europeans noticing a woman), a woman working for Air France told me she was going to take care of my luggage and I could go and get on my flight. So I did. When I got to my destination, my luggage wasn't there. I had to wait a week to see it. I got no excuses, no sorry, or anything from Air France. Later I emailed and called them to change my return ticket date. No one got back to me until after the date of departure of the flight in question. I was fraught. I can't believe these assholes. Is it written somewhere that I am not rich? Because I know, had I been rich I would have gotten a free something or at least a thousand «　sorry«　. I refuse to give any more business to airlines or any business that has treated me like dirt. If other Europeans would do that, there would be a few European airlines that would go out of business. Europeans are so used to getting crappy service from airlines that they don't care.

I am already not flying Swiss anymore because I was not happy about a few things, and then a big thing which was my Shadow being all out of breath, exhausted, with an ear infection, when he got off the plane in Geneva. I am not flying Swiss nor Air France anymore. Am I going to find an airline to travel with next time or will I have to hitch hike across the Atlantic?

Nov 27th

I have been back in Hell for five days. It's funny how every single time I come back to Switzerhell, I enjoy the first 2 or 3 days because my mind is still upbeat and full of hope. This time I knew the country hadn't changed, but I thought maybe I did since I went through the Matrix transformation. Well I really thought I could forget about these crappy people and go on living and doing the things I have to do, but sure enough after 3 days of being able to ignore them, not feel their nasty energies, I suddenly became the same person again , who can't stand these people's s*** all around. I don't want to say I am back to square one, because I have something in me now that is transformed and I am cherishing it like a diamond. It is a small thing but I am hanging on to it. I am hating again, I am in deep need to kick people in the ass, in the face, or wherever I 'd feel necessary, and I am still not doing it and it hurts, but at the same time I understand now that my Shadow is here with me wherever I am. I left with the need to make him come back to life, and with sorrow all over my soul. I now still feel like crying when I think about my boy, but more because I am happy to know he is with me , around me. I am starting to trust that I'll see him again, whether he does come back to life one day without me forcing it, or whether it is in another dimension, another world. I am now thankful for who I am, for my 2 boys that are a great part of my life, even if one is alive and one not. I am now realizing that I have angels or guides with me. I never really felt alone and I always wondered why, and now I am slowly starting to acknowledge them, him or her... I am slow, but improving.

Nothing has changed in society. I still can't stand the Swiss around me, at the gym, at the supermarket, even on the road, driving. I am unemployed but luckily I have a nice woman as my appointed jobsearching adviser, which I have to meet with once a month. She is either truly nice and no one can hate her, or she is playing her game so well that I absolutely don't mind her company and listening to her. Plus, she is an ego booster. She said to me: " I don't understand why you are still unemployed, I would hire you right away!". Cute. You would think the staff who work with unemployed people would have to be nice, right. They might take seminars that tell them to boost people's egos like that. It is no a Swiss natural instinct to compliment people, much less people they don't know. Well, I have talked to some unemployed Swiss and have watched documentaries on TV about unemployment. There are a lot of Swiss workers who cut no slack to unemployed folks and punish them by cutting short their monthly revenue if they make the slightest mistake, like for example if the adviser told the person to send a certain amount of CV's each month. If the person sends less or even more, they can have money taken out of their unemployment check. The freaking advisers don't have to be that crude. It's not part of the job. That's just what I mean about the Swiss, they aren't just and strict people. They on the other hand will mess with you if they can, just because they can. Two months ago I was 5 minutes late to my appointment with my adviser, the secretary told me, when I got in, that I would have money taken out of my check, because I was late. Fortunately, it is not up to the secretary to determine if unemployed people get money taken out of their checks as punishments, but the adviser. My adviser is nice. She didn't punish me for being 5 minutes late.

It's the control freak thing that the Swiss have. They must show that they have the slightest authority if they do. And the way to show it is not by helping or showing people what the right thing to do is, but by crushing people and messing with their everyday life. Even when driving I have said it before, the Swiss have to show that they are smarter, faster, or that they can get away with anything. I definitely noticed in the US, people drive to get somewhere. They don't care about other people. They mind their own business when they drive and try to be careful and don't have to prove anything when they're driving. I am sure they are exceptions but I was glad to see that I am not going nuts, there are places in the world where people aren't stupid enough to have to prove something to others ( like that they're faster, can control others or can mess with others in small "innocent "ways) all the time. When I ride a bicycle on a path, and another bicycle comes from the other direction, that person has to see everything as a competition. That person, especially if it's a man, rides into me because they want me to move aside for them to pass easily. I often have Shiva in my backpack, so I am not about to test these fools to see if they would run into me if I didn't move to the side for them to ride like kings..

I was also glad to see that I feel at ease with people in the US. Some say that it's all in my head. I like it there so I automatically like everybody. It's not true. Well I do like it there, but there are times where I realize there is a jerk, or feel a weird vibe in the bus and will sit somewhere else. Well, I am also very smell sensitive and wherever I am in the world, will get away from a nasty smell. Anyway I was glad to know I am still normal in a normal place like the US. Yes there are strange people on the streets and no the US is not perfect, but it is a normal world to me, with ups and downs, good people bad people, with an overall sense that the majority minds their own business, and also helps others in case of emergency, which makes me feel safe. In Switzerhell, the streets are suspiciously ( rightfully so) quiet everywhere you go, if someone needs real help, either everyone ignores the person, or the cops come and isolate the area so no one can see anything. Everybody has this same standard: boring face that hides cruel behavior that spends their day figuring out how to get away, with as much crap as possible. Helping others is a foreign language.

Americans, cherish your country! because on a human level, the United States is not doing so bad. I know many Americans think that their country needs so much improvement. And you're right. It's when you've got a good thing that you can see what needs to be improved. When you have a bad product, there is too much that needs improvement like Switzerhell, and it's easier to fake everything than improve the product.

Another thing I noticed in the US, was how the economy has destroyed a part of the consumer's market. Some stores I used to know, closed down. Dance studios that were doing well aren't anymore. I think it's sad. Such a great city and the only part that has developed is a part of downtown. Rich corporate America is hanging in there, but the cultural centers and the interesting little stores disappeared. That is proof that the economy is going bad. The rich are getting richer and the poor and middle class are getting poorer. Apparently it is like that all over the world right now, but I wish the US would come back to where the average Joe is doing all right. When I look at all the headquarters of all these companies in Switzerhell which are making Switzerhell richer by bringing business, creating jobs and paying taxes ( even if low) to the country. If these companies would stay in the US ( and in their own countries wherever that is), it would help the average Joe get a job or start a business, and feed his family, go on holidays, have fun on week-ends, etc.

Also there are a lot of imports from Europe in the US whether it is food, cosmetics, cars or clothing. Think of buying American. It is not just a bumper sticker! I also love the planet and wish we could all be a happy family, but the fact and the matter is that countries are different, their government, their people, their core. Some travelers say: "The more I travel the more I see people acting like people". Well we all have the same primal needs like hunger, food, sex, greed. But the core of society brainwashes people more in most countries than in the US where people have fought for freedom of thought, before freedom of anything else. The United States might grow if they keep their freedom of thought despite the economy going down, meaning not letting the fear get to them. The Matrix Energetics could take over. I am not sure how to explain what I feel here, but I know that even if many countries are strong today, the US can be stronger and win because to save the world, the US has to deploy its best free spiritual military strength .

Nov 29th

I totally feel right back in hell. I thought I was somewhat changed enough so that I could at least get by, ignoring these trashy people more. The little everyday stuff like driving to prove their "strength", passing you when you stand in line at the supermarket, bakery, to get on the bus, etc. I am looking for a job and an apartment. People love to say "no" to others, so they take a certain pleasure saying "no" about everything. As soon as they don't want to sell you something, they scream the "no" in your face, without a "sorry", without ever ever trying to think of another way for you to find what you are looking for. I know how it is in the US. When a business can't offer you what you are looking for, they will come up with something to help you whether it is an idea, a phone number, an address.... In Switzerhell, they take pleasure in closing all doors in your face, and no, it is not only because I am a woman, alone. They don't even think that I might know people who know people that may not ever come by their business ever again...

I have started watching these murder shows again. Since in Switzerhell we are lucky enough to get some American series in English, and since the Swiss only buy murder stories and morning soap operas, I don't have much choice , but do enjoy those police murder investigating stories. I was in the US for almost a month and I could have watched tv, but I didn't feel the need, the desire. Here I spend every night in my isolated mountain chalet, watching murder shows, police investigation stories. I like them here. Of course I hate people here. I feel like cutting people up so I thrive on watching murder, fear, suspense. I even want the bad guys to win sometimes. I am not trying to prove how evil I am when I am in this country, but I have to notice the change of me when I am here and when I am in the US. I always thought I was a strong person, with my own mind and spirit. But I can be so different of a person when I am on one continent and on the other! It's outrageous. When I was younger and living in the US, I went through somewhat rough times, and I would never become evil. I could become very defensive but not revengeful, like I feel I am here. I haven't acted on it yet, but to me the sense of desire to do something is almost as bad as the act.

Dec 1

I realized that guys at the gym start messing with me when they see that I use heavy weights. I for a while was training light, right when I got back ( jetlag ). The first few days I get back to Switzerhell I always think everything is all right. Well at the gym , not only did my spirit help me ignore those Swiss people on the first days back. When a woman uses light weights, she is "normal" to the Swiss, so no one stares other than to look at what a person is wearing and that the fact that there might feel something is different about that person. But these days I am starting to lift heavy again. Well heavy for me... Men come next to me, push my bench, take my weights which I left on the bench I was using. I don't go when the gym is crowded, so there are plenty of other weights and barres to use... It bugs them that I can lift heavy, maybe heavier than them for some of them. In the US when I lift a bit heavy, there might be a guy or two who will, with a smile, congratulate me or ask me a friendly question. Here in Switzerhell, I can feel their aggravation, and they bug me until I go away, proving that I am scared ( right..) and proving that they're more powerful! It is so sad. Those are grown men, mostly over 35, who are bothered by the fact that a woman lifts heavy. The younger guys will stare but they won't bother me most of the time. Is it because the younger generation tolerates change and women with some kind of "power"? No. Younger guys aren't frustrated yet. They don't feel the need to feel bitterness about women's issues yet. Their mother is still an important figure in their lives so they don't mind a woman who is a bit stronger than them. They will just stare since they don't see strong women at their gym often. Stares are annoying, but the lameness of these older guys trying to bug me like small angry children is despicable.

Dec 2nd

I am glad I went to the US and came back. I can tell you the difference in the everyday people. For example, you pass by someone on the street, in Switzerhell, the person gives out this nasty vibe, pushes you on the sidewalk if you're a woman and if you're in their way. No one will ever give you space on the sidewalk if you're a woman carrying bags as people do in the US, anywhere! In the city I was staying at, people talked to me on the bus, started a friendly conversation or just a nice comment. If someone has a nasty thought, I won't hear it in the US, the person will keep it to her or himself. In Switzerhell, I get pushed like bag of potatoes in the bus or in the train, and people never say "sorry". When I had my big dog I got insults on the train all the time. In NYC, they'd ask me what type of breed he was.

Dec 4th

I went to the post office today to pay some bills. In most post offices in Switzerhell, we can play lotto games. So along with paying my bills, I asked the lady if I could get a "quick pick" for the Euromillions ( a lotto game in a few countries in Europe). She didn't understand. I asked her again for a "Flash" for the Euromillions. I have played that game for about 5 years in Switzerhell, and have regularly asked for a quick pick ( which is the American term) or a Flash ( the French term), for the computer to pick the numbers for a lotto game. I have played in different cities, and even different cantons (=states). The postal lady didn't understand any of the terms ( quick pick or flash). I explained I wanted random numbers from the machine and asked her what the term was, according to her. I apologized and asked her how she called that. She said in a very distinguished way, as if she had a masters in postal French (...), that there was no term to describe that. She added that people usually just asked to play a lotto game, as if I was the one who invented a term that didn't exist! The Swiss are always right, they know everything, and everyone else knows nothing. It is really sad and maybe funny if you look at them from afar, to see these pretty ignorant people with lots of money surrounding them, whether it's theirs, other people's, living there, or the country's money (modern technology everywhere), like angry ( most of the times strongly repressed anger) spoiled children who always have to be right. Or else.... they'll slash your tire...call the cops on you if you park in the wrong place.

2010

Waow, years just go by without me getting to be where I want to be. I do have my precious Shiva, thank God.

The more I have to talk to the Swiss about stuff other than buying bread and paying bills, The more I realize that they really all are mentally disturbed. 2 examples within the last 2 weeks: I had to have the electrician come by to finalize his work. He had started to work on this tiny chalet 2 years ago and couldn't finish until now, 2010. That's what happens when you are a woman living alone. He basically worked on my chalet when he had no other business. So I lived with a half installed electricity system ( since it was me who had electricity installed for the first time ever in that place). It was of course dangerous to live with an electricity system not finished, especially in a wooden structure. But who cares, since no man called the electrician to let him know the work should be done, and a woman alone is nothing. A male electrician is not going to finish the work faster when a woman asks him to, nor is he going to care that her living place could be dangerous. That's a fact. Then, 2 weeks ago, the electrician emails me to let me know I should call him to set up a time for him to come by and finish the work. He had called several months ago but I couldn't be there. I wasn't up to facing this prick at all. So I call the office and his secretary tells me I have to call him on his cell. I call and he doesn't answer so I leave a message. A week later, his secretary calls me to ask me if I could be at the chalet on Friday 11 AM. I tell her no I couldn't, I was doing a stage at an animal shelter. I then gave her other days when I was available. She then asks me if I could get someone to come by the chalet for me because the electrician is going to be in the area on Friday, and he would really like to come and finish the work that day. After a year of not being able to come and work on the electricity, and the fact that I couldn't be there a few months ago, drove him nuts, and he said it had to be Friday. Of course had I been a man, he wouldn't have dared to offer only one day availability for him to come by, but if I had been a man, he would have finished the system installation year and a half ago. So anyway, I tell his secretary that I probably won't be able to find someone to be at the chalet for me, but if I do find someone who can do that for me, I would call her. She then calls me every day that week to ask me if I had found someone. I , every day said, no. On that Friday night, I found a note on my door from the electrician, saying that I didn't show up for the appointment and that I was going to be charged a fee for not being there and for his time. I called the office and the secretary assured me I was going to get a bill. I couldn't believe it. I got the bill. What could I do? not pay it and then see the bill increase month after month? Or pay it and be part of the scam that men pull on women in very easy ways like this one? The only thing I can do is call a friend of mine for help. I hate calling for help for stupidities, but in Switzerhell, it's called for.

2nd example: I am trying to sell the chalet. Well since I live there, I am doing all the publicity and giving my number out for people to call. This man called about it. He asked how big it is, he wanted the length and the width. I tell him that it's like a studio inside, not very big at all. He insists he wants to know the square meters, I told him at first that I didn't know exactly, otherwise I would have told him, so I said it's like a studio. I tried to give him details and a description. He said why don't I send him pictures. I told him there are pics on the real estate website. He had asked when he first told me his name that it was important for him not to go through an agency. I said that's fine. I don't have an exclusive contract with them. So when I told him about the pics, he again said that he didn't want to go through an agency... I then repeated that the website was just to look at the pics. He then said that he didn't have internet. He assured me he had a lot of money to invest but didn't have the web... I thought ya whatever. So he asked if I could take old school pictures and send them to him in the mail. I said sure, and I tell him that I was outside and that I didn't have a pen on me but he could send his address via text message or I could call him later. He got upset and hung up. You could say it was one case, but no, he sounded like an older regular Swiss guy. This represents the Swiss. Some are rich but refuse to get internet because it is new and what is new is not good and stupid, to them. When they want to buy real estate or anything else, things have to go a certain way. Communication is not important. he couldn't understand that I was outside and didn't have a pen on me.

January 18th

I had an appointment with a job placement agency in a town that is a 2 hour drive from where I live, but as I assured him, I was willing to move for a new job, I was sure he was at least going to be at the appointment, even if I wasn't sure to get the job, as it required a level of computer science I don't have. But in any case, I take a shower, get some clean and unattractive clothes ( the kind of formal work clothes that people wear in Europe is not appealing to me), and Shiva and I got in our car and away we drove. I knew the town, I had been there a few years back. So I get there, park, tell Shiva I might be a while, so to stay under the cover otherwise he would get cold. I get to the reception area and the lady tells me that the guy I was supposed to meet is not in for the entire day. She then goes to check on his calendar to see if he had an appointment and I was right, it was the 18th. He had an appointment. She calls him on his cell, hands me the phone and the man said he was really sorry he forgot to call me to cancel the appointment. It is one of the big job placement agencies in Switzerhell. The guy didn't seem worried on the phone, and why would he be, I was just a woman. Had he forgotten to cancel an appointment with a man, he would have been really sorry. Oh wait... but he would never have forgotten an appointment with a man!

January 19th

There is a Swiss man who has lived almost all his life abroad, has acquired experience in various business fields as a leader and creative business man. He had a few months ago, been nominated president of the Post Office in Switzerhell. He was bringing new ideas, confidence and experience from all over the world. Today he has resigned. This man was criticized and hated from too many Swiss people, because he had lived and worked in so many countries and had ideas that were too innovative. The Swiss got scared of all those ideas and the novelty that the man wanted to bring in one of the main large Swiss companies, the Post office. Swiss haters sent him death threats, searched into his past in illegal ways. Basically he realized that it wasn't worth fighting all these loosers even if he just had started to be president of a decent organization ( "post office") and really didn't do any damage to the company. What a slimy country!

Jan 21rst

My dog Shiva is a service dog. Well not officially. This dog that I love so much keeps my sanity. Living in Switzerhell after all the sh** I have endured and still am, my sanity hangs on a thread. I guess when you can still sit there and write that, it means you realize things and are still sane. But I also realize that I could fall onto the other side if anything happened to my Shiva. He is my reason to stay good, my reason to keep hoping, my reason that enables me to come back to whatever home we're living in without loosing it, when some jerk has done something to me and I can't fight back because I know I am the one who'll get caught and not him. My Shiva has gone through so much with me. When his brother Shadow was there, they were a team. Eventhough the 3 of us went through a lot together, they had each other to keep each other company and communicate. I try to stay strong and calm for Shiva , but I have to acknowledge his work here. Shiva keeps my soul happy. He keeps my karma clean. He keeps my heart loving.

Jan 23rd

I know some people in certain towns I lived in when I had Shadow tried to kill us, or hit us with their car. It was obvious and thanks to the time I was hit by a cop in his car, I am always careful around cars, even when cars are just backing up from their driveway. I have also noticed that cars, with whatever Swiss in it will not slow down for a woman with a dog. I have noticed it on me, on other women walking their dogs, comparing to men in general or men whit dogs. On parking lots for example, cars will slow down drastically when they see a man. I have seen some slow down for a young hot chick by herself. I thought that the fact that I noticed that was not a big deal and it probably isn't. It is just another facet of how women, and women with dogs are less respected by the Swiss in general. Who cares right? I do. And today I wasn't particularly surprised to see a woman in her car who saw me and Shiva and who didn't slow down as she should have, but to show me that I was the one who had to move out of the way on that parking lot, she kept her speed up even though she was going to stop very soon. Well it's winter and icy, and since she had too much speed, she slid and her car hit another. It's not that I enjoy seeing other people hurt, well nobody was really hurt here, just cars. It's just that I think it's about time these Swiss people pay for their murderous behaviors. Their cars are their favorite weapons. The Swiss kill and run over more people than the French and the Italians who both drive also really fast, but better than the Swiss. I know people all over the world use cars as weapons, but again, the Swiss get away with it, and none of these "accidents" is ever suspected to be murder. The Swiss hit cats and dogs all the time, children on a regular basis, and adults and old people of course. I remember twice in different towns, hearing the story: There was a family picnic. A father had to drive somewhere after lunch, to then come back later. The same father backed up into his toddler and killed him. there has to be a limit to stupidity. Of course there are some accidents, but never are these people on trial, nor do they go to jail. They get a fine, a big fat ticket. More money for the government. Of course the few exceptions are when a woman driver hits a man: then, the cops spend some time figuring out how they could put the woman in jail, and most of the time they succeed. Have you seen the amount of women in Swiss jails compared to men? And that knowing that women are so trained and psycho-brainwashed to be victims and loving it.

Jan 24th

The Swiss voted a few months ago to prohibit the construction of Minarets, a symbol of Islam. Many of the wealthy muslims of the middle East who have mansions in Switzerhell are starting to realize the hypocrisy of the people of the safe country they trusted so much.

Now the Swiss are starting to talk about the prohibition of the Burka in public places ( well I don't think Muslim women are going to wear it inside their homes...). The French are also talking about it. Women don't have the respect that men get in Switzerhell and in France, and now they want to take their right to hide their faces if they want to. Women must show their faces! The Swiss use the excuse that they are trying to save these women from "having to" wear the Burka. Men have the right to wear beard, hats and sun glasses, but women are not allowed to have their faces covered. I am a woman and am against any institution that prohibits women from doing what they want to do. I don't know the percentage of Islamic women who are forced to wear the Burka and the ones who decide to do it on their own will. I do know that there are Muslim women who choose to wear the Burka, either because they are very religious, or because they don't want men to bother them. I can totally relate to that last reason. The way people stare in Europe, and especially in Switzerhell, I feel better when I wear a scarf and a hat.

The Swiss were ready to prohibit the Burka when they heard the French debate and many well-known politicians giving very good arguments that women should have the right to wear the Burka unless maybe they are dealing with identity, getting a passport, ID, etc. Now the Swiss are a bit scared to go ahead with the prohibition. The Swiss always check with surrounding countries, since if they didn't, they would make tons of humanitarian mistakes, the morons....

Jan 31rst

I knew that pedophiles were running free in Switzerhell. The few that get caught get one or two years in jail, but their names are never known to the public. They get out of their tiny jail sentence and they go right back to society. The town or neighborhood they lived in doesn't even know they were in jail. Since the sentence is only from one to two years, it is easy for the trash-bag to make up some lie about where he was for that period of time.

Tonight there is a documentary on TV, which is a big deal for the Swiss to talk about it. Obviously the Swiss don't talk about pedophiles because they want to keep a perfect image where pedophiles don't exist... The documentary shows a few pedophiles who agreed to stay in treatment instead of going to jail. He lives at home and goes to a psychologist once a month and takes a specific drug. People trust men, of course they are men (...), that they will follow the treatment and not lie to the psychologist. They have a pedophile who is invited to talk about this treatment. He is said to be the victim, the poor sick person. I can't believe this Switzerhell country. These poor men.... This guy talks about the pain of the treatment! One guy talks about the pain that he goes through when he sees children because of his strong needs and desires. He explains that he falls in love with children for real. He says it is not just sex....This prime time documentary doesn't mention the pain of the children and their families at all. They only talked about the poor sick pedophiles. It is outrageous. The Swiss are obviously getting more confident about showing their filth. They think their wealth and the rich assholes' wealth of the world who love Switzerhell, will be there and last forever. Their great image is melting though. It is almost the end of the great legendary fake image of Switzerland. They are destroying themselves slowly. Too confident and ignorant, they are starting to show pieces of their real face. The world now knows about how much scamming is going on in Swiss banks, and the world is slowly discovering the rest of the filth behind the pretty mask.

Feb 2nd

The Swiss changed their whole tv system to digital, so we can't get any channel if we don't buy the new digital antenna with the little box which will give us the 4 or 5 Swiss basic local channels. Otherwise there is cable of course, and satellites. I bought the little box with the antenna because all I need is the Swiss channels to keep up with the news and watch some American shows that at least we get in French or English. So up in the mountain, in my chalet, I got 4 channels, some days badly, some days the picture was clear. Now I am in the center of a city, a town, and I am getting no signal at all....So I go to a tv store, and they tell me that they don't know why I am not getting anything. I go to another store and they tell me that they don't know either....and I try a cable store and they haven't heard of the little digital box and antenna... Switzerhell is a small country, rich country. It has all kinds of technology, but most people, most businesses don't know anything about anything! It is truly unbelievable. The worst part is I know they are not lying in order to sell me something, or they would have some kind of explanation for my problem to then try to sell me another product. But they don't. I can tell in their lame employer's face that they don't know anything. When I had bought the antenna, I had to go to 2 different tv stores before someone knew what I was asking for. Yes a lot of people have cable or satellites, but the third option is this antenna. The big stores have employees who don't know about half the products they're supposed to sell. Maybe they learn about a few products every year, so one has to be lucky to get an employee that has been working there for a while. But this digital tv thing just arrived. The country's system just changed. Shouldn't all TV stores get up to date and learn about the new products linked to the change? Most stores will receive the new stuff but very few will actually learn about it in order to inform people and sell the products. I am always amazed at the stupidity of Switzerhell, that has so much money, technology and ressources!

I am staying in a city for a while until I find an apartment near my new job, and I am on the ground floor. It is amazing the amount of curtain I have to put up so that people passing by don't stop and get close to the window in order to look. It's not like I am walking around naked. I just moved in and the neighbors want to see who it is and what I am doing. Then you have a bunch of asshole men who always look in on apartments on the ground floor, and you also have a bunch of women, young people who look because they are walking slow, not doing anything with their lives, and have the time to wonder around and look into people's apartments. And the Swiss consider themselves polite? That was the only thing they had left for themselves, their hypocritical, backstabbing , yet polite attitudes...

It's funny how the way people drive can reflect their very own ways of being. In a city, people tend to be more careful than in the country side, in between villages where there is no one around, they will drive faster than on the highway, and not care about any life they might suppress. In the city, or town, people know cops could be watching, people are definitely watching, so they drive better in general. There is still one thing that astounds me: there is a law in Switzerhell about cars having to let go pedestrians if they are crossing on a yellow striped pedestrian crossing. Most cars are annoyed to have to stop, and one can feel it, at the way the car speeds from the stop they had to make and didn't want to. Cars often drive right behind people. Sometimes they can't help it, they don't stop, even if they see a pedestrian about to step on the yellow stripes, even if they should, and know they might get a ticket. The thing that gets to me is the amount of cars driven by women or men with children , mostly 4 by 4's, and don't have the time to stop. I get the fact that women are frustrated in Switzerhell, but the rich ones don't care about getting tickets. They actually put people's lives at risk by not stopping. Some people know the law that says cars have to let pedestrians go in on the yellow stripes, and these people won't look if the car is actually stopping because in the city, people respect that law more since there are so many lights and no one can move that fast anyway. The streets are curvy, narrow. Of course a lot of accidents happen. But when it is a person with children in the car that is not stopping, it drives me a little nuts because those same people expect everyone to stop for their kids when they are or will be crossing roads by themselves.

I am temporarily staying in the old part of town, where people live in old buildings within the narrow streets of what make the only charm of historic European cities. These old buildings are a part of history. In rich countries like Switzerhell, the buildings are kept alive, meaning renovated if needed, rented at a high price, and you would think, respected by the people who live there. On week-ends, there are always drunk people who throw bottles on the streets, on walls, stairs, and who litter whatever garbage they had in their hands. You would think that the people who live in those old apartments would at least have a tiny bit more respect for the place. My one window looks out on a small closed yard. It is full of pigeon s*** and rests of food people throw out the window for cats and birds. On top of that, in the morning I always see plastic bottles that people on the higher floors have thrown down, and lots of cigarette buds. Also, at 2 AM last night there was a drunk guy on the roof. Someone called the police because the guy was singing. The police then made more noise for two hours trying to talk to the guy since they couldn't figure out the way to the roof. They were asking him: " Think for a second, how did you get on the roof?" The cops couldn't go get the guy, and they were getting upset and angry because the guy wasn't answering their question. The guy was just being funny, and maybe a bit suicidal, but the cops sounded really scary, getting angry and screaming at this guy, from the street. I thought one of the cops was going to start shooting or something, so I walked by really fast.

Those narrow streets in the old part of town are all for pedestrians only, no cars, no motocycles, not even bicycles are allowed. There is an exception for deliveries in the day time since there are businesses and stores all along. There is also the exception for police cars as they have the right to do anything they want, or go anywhere. In the evening, every time I walk my dog on these streets, I always see a car or two driving through. They are always men driving I noticed. They don't drive slow either. The woman I am renting a room from said that she drove her car through there once to move some heavy stuff and she got a ticket. It is always the same story: men who drive through, are not bothered. It is making me really angry that men can put people in danger while driving through a no-way street, fast, while women will get a ticket for driving through. Women can't have a nice big dog, and be left alone, but men can drive through streets where people, children, dogs, can be wandering around. I saw a guy get out of his car, who had just driven and then parked in a no-way street. I looked at him and he looked at me super confident like : of course he was allowed to do what he pleased. How could I dare look at him like that?

It reminds me of a village road in that village where everyone kicked us out. There was a road on the side of the village that said: "authorized personnel only", meaning personnel from the village, the men who worked on roads and such. It was a short cut for them during the day when there was traffic in the village. Otherwise no other car should have been going through there. Well, the amount of cars at night who drove through like maniacs was amazing. A lot of people would walk their dogs there. Many could have taken the license plate numbers as Swiss will do for women driving or parking where they're not supposed to, but I would always see cars driving there night after night, at high speed, because it is fun for guys to drive fast on country roads.... I can tell you how disgusted I am to see men break the law over and over, about everything, and no one tells them anything, when for a woman, it is a different world. I am sick of the s***.

March 1rst

I moved into an apartment with a roommate, a male roommate. I think that's the only way to be able to be left alone ( I'll see how long it will last), other than getting married, or living with a boyfriend. Also he has a cat. I also discovered that the only way for me to keep living in Switzerhell is to be seriously distracted, and having asthma ( allergies) is the only way I came up with, to be distracted. I have my asthma ventilator for the night so I can sleep a bit, and the rest of the day, I focus on trying to breathe instead of noticing these f**** around me. I started a new job which is not better nor worse than being unemployed, for me. I am still in hell.

March 2nd

I was walking my dog, well carrying him in the bag most of the time because he gets tired when I go for long walks, by the lake, in an area where there are many over-priced homes. There were other people walking their dogs. The cops were driving by. An older lady told me that they were coming for the dogs off leash, to give tickets. The poor lady who was a woman alone, walking her dog, had been told by cops to put her dog on a leash many times and had gotten two tickets in the last year. I explained to her that cops are not driving by, just for off-leash dogs. They will drive around to see if they can catch a woman with a dog off leash, to mess with her by giving her a ticket. They won't do it for a man. If someone called the cops and told them there was a woman with a dog off leash, they will drive by for that. The poor lady had no idea that people would call the cops to tell them about her walking her dog off leash. She had been convinced for years that cops were just driving by to check dogs off leash or on leashes, no matter if the dog belonged to a man or a woman. She didn't believe that people from the neighborhood would call the cops on her. Anyway, she then asked the 2 cops if they were there for the dogs, when they got out of their car. They said no and walked away. I had my dog in the bag, and she had put her dog on a leash. When the cops came back towards their car, one of them saw a dog off leash. Without asking whose it was, one of the cops tried to grab him. The dog had lots of long hair. The cop pulled on the hair. The dog started to scream and was trying to get away. The cop wouldn't let go. The dog was crying really loud nonstop. I was thinking, trying to hope for logical behavior from the young cop, he was trying to hold the dog to read his microchip. I couldn't take the screaming, I put my dog that was in my bag on the floor, and I walked gently ( not to scare the crazy cop) towards them. I was going to hold the dog for him, without hurting the dog because he clearly was. As soon as I was in the vicinity, the dog got away. I probably distracted or scared the cop so that it gave the dog half a second to flee. As much as I know these Swiss cops are capable of anything, I wasn't thinking of being afraid of the cop, I was just going to help the dog. The cop could have gotten upset at me and done god knows what to me, but I didn't think about it. The cop was pulling his hair from all sides, not knowing how to grab a dog if needed, when really it was not needed. It was a medium size dog, walking around, being friendly to other dogs. When the idiot was done, I realized it wasn't to check his chip, it was just because he wanted to hold the dog down to show the dog and people around there, he was in power. As he was failing to do that right away, he was getting upset that he couldn't do it, and since many people were then watching because of the screaming dog, he had to show that he could overpower the dog, and hold him still. These people are so pathetic. The poor dog went through hell, he was obviously already scared of people and that cop grabbing and pulling his hair all around, must have terrorized the dog for life. The old lady told me it was a dog who lived in a house nearby and the people didn't have time to walk him. Those Swiss people, knowing that people hate and hurt dogs, especially easy targets like that dog, didn't care about their animal. The dog will end up dead or beaten up so many times by people that he might end up hiding in a corner of his garden for the rest of his life, terrorized.

I feel helpless to help myself, my dogs and animals in general in Switzerhell. I would love to transform into someone who had the power to save me, the dogs and animals of this country full of contempt.