"I am Swiss. HELP!" By Triple S, Chapter 5

The last time I came back to Europe was for good since I realized it was impossible to stay illegally in the US and I had no more option for getting visas. I was broke and with a little incentive from my mother who said she was going to invest in buying a small house. She said she would get one with some land for the dogs so that I could move in, pay her rent. At least I wouldn't have any problem getting a place with my 2 dogs. Many landlords don't want dogs, or will choose someone who doesn't have any, or maybe one... In 2005, me and the dogs took the plane back to Europe after a year in New York. We were not happy to do it, but I thought that if I stayed in the US, I would have to get married, maybe to someone I wasn't fully in love with, a boyfriend who would help me out. Those situations never end up great. And unless I married a rich man, with which I have never been lucky by the way ( finding a rich man), I would never be able to live in a place with a garden or a piece of land of my own. I decided to come home, one more time...Probably the last time since I planned to stay for good. I wasn't going to put my dog in cargo a third time. It was a sad thought but I had the biggest expectations about Switzerhell not being so bad even if I had lived filthy events because of the breed of my dog a year earlier. Actually a year earlier I had hoped going to the US was for good. I have too many expectations all the time. My mother had told me when I was little that I was a dreamer and that dreams don't come true. I had to be practical and be realistic. I was still my own positive very hopeful self, but maybe my mothers' words were glued into my unconscious more than I ever thought was possible. Coming back to Switzerhell for good was probably the biggest mistake of my life. As much as I had sworn to myself a year earlier I was not going to come back, I was not doing well financially. I had baby-sat in New York for a very rich family, who took my help for granted, like most wealthy families all over the world who pay their nannies minimum wage to take care of the most precious things they got in their lives. So I believed my mother and her proposal to buy a house. Anyway I didn't seem to be able to make the right decisions to get us to stay in the US. I thought I could get a decent job in Switzerhell because it was my country of birth and of residence. I thought I could get a job right away. I thought that in my country of birth, I could get a job whenever I wanted if I was willing to take any kind of job, even one for which I was unqualified. Little did I remember about the country. I didn't remember that in Switzerhell one can't get a job in a different field than their own. One gets an education in a field and one sticks to it. Well, I couldn't even get a job in a field I had always worked in, health clubs. Most of my experience was in the US and the Swiss don't like someone who doesn't have massive experience in Switzerhell. Well they don't like people who have lived abroad for so long either. I also hadn't thought things through about the dogs and the garden: Of course I wasn't thinking about the fact that I wouldn't be able to leave the dogs to run around freely in the garden because stupid Swiss poison dogs all over the place. I was thinking about my dogs having their own land finally, not having to hold their pee ever again, me not having to go somewhere in the forest or in a field with them for them to have some sun and grass! The idea was appealing. Truth is in Switzerhell a single woman can't leave her dogs outside in a fenced area. As long as she is around she can be there to handle all the Schmucks who insult the dogs when they bark at people passing by the fence. So I did get on that plane again, with my big dog in cargo, by himself... I could kick myself. When I got him at Geneva airport, he was out of breath. There was blood on the plastic of the cage, near the holes on the side. He either was in pain and tried to bite the plastic to break the cage, or someone somewhere had bugged him with an object through the cage holes. I know my dog. He wouldn't like people bugging him when he was in small confined space or on a tight leash, without me around. I should have fought harder to stay in the US , not to have to put this dog throught he ordeal of cargo again! I flew a European airline and had asked them if I could get on a flight where there would be another dog in cargo. I knew it would help mine to endure the pain if there was another dog there. They promised there was a dog on that flight. Well they lied. On the contrary, when we left, a year and a half earlier and arrived in New York, he was calm. In Geneva when I got him, he looked unwell but ok, alive and in one piece. 2 days later, he had an ear infection that lasted quite a long time. I saw that he was sick because in the morning I saw him getting up and then falling, over and over. It freaked me out so badly. He had no more balance. The vet said it was probably an ear infection from the flight. I gave him antibiotics for a week and a half. Then he was still unwell. I went to Paris to see the vet that I trusted a bit more than the Swiss. We had to double the antibiotics, and we ( the vet and I) even thought it might be something worse. I went to a special clinic to get a brain scan. But then it turned out ok, he was fine. Thank God!

When I got to Switzerhell, I had to stay with my mother, I didn't have a home anymore and short term housing is quite pricy. The problem was my mother didn't live in her house anymore, she had sold it and bought an apartment with her girlfriend. Yes she had also become a lesbian. She loved men. She, for a long time, used to make me feel ashamed of her, because of the way she would behave in public, at parties, town festivities, art exhibitions, when she was drunk. She would flirt with men when she drank, in a way that made me feel bad for her and didn't make me very proud of her. It at least showed me something I later never wanted to do. I hardly ever drink and I don't overtly flirt with men. It maybe why I don't get a lot of men. I like confident men who come up to me without having to give them a green light. In Europe, those kind are the stupid sexist kind, in other words all men. In the US, I might have missed a few good men by not showing interest when I was interested. I'll go up to guy to talk to him anytime but for a man I would be attracted to, I would loose the attraction if I have to be the one to talk to him first. I understand that for a woman in Switzerhell, it is not easy to find a good man. They are extremely rare and given my mother's age, it didn't help. She only flirted when she was drunk. When she sober she wouldn't even consider taking steps to meet someone. So she became a lesbian. The reason it bothered me was I knew she liked men. I think my mother couldn't find a man for herself so a woman came along and she went for that. She does what she wants but since that girlfriend of hers is Swiss, she is sick in the head. She showed me on a few occasions that she feels some kind of jealously towards me. She is jealous that I can have my mother's attention here and there! I frankly can't understand that people like that exist : I am hardly around, mostly in the US, and there I was came back to Switzerland, with no place to stay, no money left at all. My mother said I could stay with them for a month or two. She said she would have bought a house by then. She supposedly had been looking for a house before already. Well after a week, the girlfriend was starting to play games to drive me nuts, to keep me from being able to get a job. She turned off the phone. I missed a call from a place I had applied to in a city an hour away, I had taken the train to go there and there, they told me they tried to call me to cancel the day before but there was no machine or answer. The position had been filled. I missed other calls, because I was applying everywhere, hoping to get a job right away. If you don't have an answering machine when you look for a job... I wasn't supposed to touch the answering machine! Of course since the girlfriend turned it off every day. She played games and have fits and cry in front of my mother so that she would feel sorry for her and kick me out. It worked. I don't even want to compete with stupidity. She would cry and say that I would tourment their life and habits. This is a woman who is older than my mother...When I say that the Swiss are mentally ill, I am being nice. This woman functions well in society. She had been a school teacher for all her life. These Swiss people are very ill but they manage to keep a reputation in society, even is once or twice they show signs in public. When I stayed with them, my dogs were allowed only in the room I was sleeping in, not in the living room, hardly the hallway to get from outside to the room.... because of the dog hair and the dirt they didn't want to have to clean up and didn't trust I would clean up.

I dared raise my voice that one day I was upset because I was jobless, homeless, and these two were doing everything not to help. Oh they were feeding me, right I had to thank them for that! So like I said I raised my voice, didn't not insult them, just raised my voice. They threw me out. Well I didn't know where to go, so I went to stay with a girl I knew in Paris, so to Paris we went. After I had sent hundreds of cv's in Switzerhell... In Paris I also had to find a job quick since I had very little money. My mother did feel bad so she gave me a bit of money for food for about a month. A week later, I found an ad about a family that needed an aupair in France right outside Geneva. It was a single mother with 2 kids who lived in a house. She didn't mind about the dogs because she thought it would be extra security to have a big dog. My mom had told me I was going to have a small house with a garden and here I was, aupair in France, cleaning people's s***, working for a fat single mother, not very smart, with a Swiss boyfriend who was taking advantage of her and she didn't see jack, two lost kids who are bound to end up messed up in their heads. Their parents would talk bad about each other, they weren't talking. The father used to come to pick up the children, he would wait in the car at the end of the road, because the bitch I was working for had attacked his new girlfriend. Well her story was that the new girlfriend had attacked her but I later found out the truth. She also later attacked me, thinking i would fight back so she could call the cops, because who would they believe, the fat weak lady with her 2 children, or the younger babysitter with a bad attitude ( the neighbors would say I didn’t talk much...) and a mean-looking dog... So I was living in the basement of that whore's house. well she wanted to be a whore, she tried to make her boyfriend jealous but she couldn’t find a man to do it with... I was living in a room next to the garage, where the boyfriend would drive his scooter into and we would get tons of gas fumes in the room every night and every morning. Yes he was almost living there, he would come at night to eat and fuck and leave in the morning... My room didn't have real windows, just small high top windows that I could open at a 20° angle. Not much air, but hey, it was a job or sort of... I was getting room and board and a tiny salary I used to have to remind her to give me every week ( I hate doing that). I used to clean in the morning. She wanted me to dust her living-room shelves with tons of breakable things on top that I had to be very careful of because they were gifts or something I don't remember. I just remember dusting the crap every day while wanting to throw the stuff against the wall everyday. I had to cook for the kids and me at lunch. She used to buy cheap foods not good for any of us. I don't know if she was cheap or stupid. Her kids were not eating healthy. I told her I didn't mind cooking vegetables, washing them or even making salads, but the kids were used to crummy stuff like frozen potato meals and sometimes we would get a hamburger meat or a piece of frozen chicken... It was gross. I was doing my best to get used to it. I would buy fruit on my own to get some healthy stuff in my system.

Maybe I am used to getting close to disgusting people, as I believe my mother is at times. She is not worse than other Swiss. When I tell people I don't love my mother, it's I don't love how she was with me. I love her as a mother without a personality. But when I think of just 3 things she told me in my life. When I was around 24, I came back to Switzerhell because my mother offered to go on vacation with me. Anyway, when I was 24, she offered to take me on vacation in Senegal. I had wanted to go to Senegal for years. I had Senegalese friends in the US. So my mother and I went to Senegal on a tour and then a week at a hotel. On the tour, we met some Europeans, so my mother was in a great mood. I was too, I loved seeing different parts of that country. Then at the end of the tour ( in a van the tour was), we got to a nice hotel ( the hotels during the tour weren't that nice). The first night we got there, I heard some drums from the window of the hotel. I said let's go and see. My mother was not thrilled but we went. It was some event on the beach with a lot of Senegalese people and few Europeans. I was excited because they were dancing Sabar, which is my favorite dance from Senegal. So I joined the circle. Some dancers were guys dressed as women and it was very funny. This dance is high energy and I was feeling it. My mother stayed a bit in the back. I don't remember if I danced a lot or not but it felt like I did because at the end of this celebration, I was tired. So we went back to the hotel. We took showers and we had dinner waiting for us downstairs, but I was really tired and actually I felt good, at peace. I told my mother I didn't feel like going to dinner, that she could go ahead. She got really upset because she said she came with me to that dance thing and I should go to dinner with her. In her way she may have been right, but I was just tired and didn't feel like dressing up and going downstairs. She got really upset about that one little thing and I guess she really didn't like going to dinner by herself because in an evil Swiss-mode speech, she screamed viciously: "You are going to regret this for the rest of your life!!" I didn't know where this came from, I was shocked. Now I don't even remember if I went to dinner or not, but that sentence and the way she said it was so vicious. I know now what they mean by repressed anger. At least I'll never have that, because I always get angry about things as they happen, and then cool down really fast. But that was a shocking thing so say for the fact that I just didn't want to go to dinner. She could have screamed at me a bit, that I was unfair or something, but that was big for me. I still think it was hiding some anger she had against me for other things which I don't know what they are. When viciousness comes out of the blue from parents, or even loved ones, it's shocking and you don't forget those words.

Another time when I came back to Switzerhell and was planning to stay, I was looking for a job, life was dull as usual in Switzerland, I once said to my mother: "I feel like my life might be over, I feel like I have lived a lot of things, good and bad, and that maybe my life is ending". It's just a feeling I had. Every time I come back from the US, I have a down-period where I am blue and sad. So my mother was there, listening to what I was saying and she clearly said: " Maybe you are right. If you feel that your life is over, maybe it is." Is any sane mother going to say that to their own child when the child is like 26 years old? She said it with a smile too, as if it was really possible and there was nothing wrong with it.

One time I came back home from the US when I was at university, I came back for the holidays. My mother took me to this psychic woman she said she would to a lot, who had told her that my father was with me but he was taking ( or stealing) a lot of my energy. This woman was some kind of psychic-I-talk-to the-dead-and I know-everything kind of money scam-er. My mother liked her. My mother was so lonely, she would liked anyone who told her nice things about her self. Swiss women get really lonely when they're alone because they are not "trained" to be alone, and need someone to share their life at all times. So we went to the witch lady. I didn't really want her to take my father away, if it was true that he was with me. I never felt the lack of energy....So when I got there, she took me to this room, she does everything to impress and scare you. Then she said she told my father to go, to give me my space.... Then my mother went and talked to her. I am not sure what they talked about, but on the way back, she told me in the car that she had said something about me to her. My mother said the witch said I was going to have a hard time living (it's the translation from French: avoir du mal à vivre). It basically meant that my life was going to be a bitch! or that I could never get my life together, that I was never going to be able to let happiness into my life. First of all, what a great thing to say...Even if the stupid witch felt it ( I really think the bitch couldn't feel me, figure me out, I was too complex for her). And then for my mother to tell me that, after telling me she believed that woman had special powers to see into things and lives...Again you have got to love my mother for telling me that I was oing to have a sucky life. I was young, not established, not stable. That stayed with me for a long time. especially the fact that my mother would tell me, instead of keeping that comment to herself. This is how Swiss people are not uncomfortable with themselves that they want to see others suffer. My mother never wanted me to be happy. It my not be her fault. She is messed up, she never had the right kind of help. She still managed to have a stable life ( in appearance), with a good job, friends. I can't hate her that much anymore when I know that it's a Swiss thing. People have repressed anger and want others to fail so they can feel better about themselves. The Swiss give money to charities around the world just to thank the fact that there are people suffering really badly in the world, people who have it worse than them. Because in their beautiful villas, they can't find happiness, they can't love themselves. They are miserable rich fucks who get relief from seeing that other people in the world are suffering.

Now in 2009, my mother says that her favorite witch had told me that my life would be miserable. In my misery I am probably healthier and happier than my mother and that witch combined! I am a happy person inside even if emotionally unstable and getting very upset over certain things. But really I have this inside happiness. It's maybe why I keep this silly hope for big things when I have nothing. But when is someone going to tell these Swiss people that if you tell children their life is going to be just fine, or even great, it could actually help them?

In Switzerhell people spend a lot more money on psychics ( or should I say shmucks) than on psychologists or psychiatrists. That is a sign of primitive peoples....The Swiss also love to spend money on religious artifacts and protective statues. They give money to whatever sect or church they belong to. A lot of African guys make so much money in Switzerhell pretending to be psychics. The Swiss are racist, but they somehow think that in Africa people still live according to the moon and stars and that there are "marabous" who have real powers. Their racism includes fear of course and some think that Africans are far away people who live in a different world and they believe some Africans have ancient powers. The Swiss will see an ad in the paper: " African marabou will solve all your problems". It clearly works.

When I came back to Europe and my mother kicked me out, I found that aupair position in France, next to Geneva, in that low-life woman's house, I remember she told me she went to see an African psychic in Geneva. That lady was a scum: She was racist and went to see an African psychic. Her son was a teenager and starting to act like a scum himself. He had a black friend over at the house sometimes, and I thought the kid was a good friend of his because he would come over more often than others. One day I saw the stupid kid of the house act weird when I asked his black friend to stay for dinner. Then when he left, I asked the kid why he didn't want his friend to stay for dinner. He said because he is not a very good friend of his. He said he didn't like him that much. I then asked why would he invite him over all the time? He said that his other friend that he liked would always turn down his invitations. He also said he was black and he couldn't have a black best friend! I said why not??? He said his mother told him that, once, and that she was right. These racist scumbags were poor French who were living on the father's alimony. The house had been bought by the father as well. They couldn't afford such a house. The mother of the 2 kids had been charged with assault on the new wife of the husband, I later found out. When the father would come to get the kids, he would drive to the beginning of the street and wait there. The kids only had to walk a hundred meters. She told me , when I got there, that his new wife has attacked her, and that she was the one who told her husband not to come to the front of the house. That was a big fat lie. Basically I was cleaning the house of a low-life idiot. I would then prefer working for the wealthy family in Manhattan, since they both paid minimum salary anyway.

That French lady I worked for stole 2 cds of mine. I couldn't believe the scum: you have an aupair and you steal cd out of her stuff? These people have no fear and no shame! She like every other Swiss, was lucky that I had my dogs, something to stay out of jail for. I am not the kind of person who lets things go. I guess that's the Italian in me. Not that I have any in me. But my father always thought we had some in us. He loved Italy. Just working for this woman was painful. She was stupid , uneducated, plus dumb and ugly. I don't judge people but I feel what I feel. She would talk to me about her personal problems and expect me to find answers or help her. I was the aupair! Poor kids, I disliked them only because they were hers. I had to do their beds, clean their house, touch their dirty clothes, do laundry, iron. The b**** had the guts to complain about my ironing! This job grossed me out, it was unproductive to my life. I knew it was not for long so I hung on. I should have left right away. But the thing was I wanted to find a job in Geneva and I was close enough to do it there. I had worked for a rich family in NYC, and even if they were not the best people ever, they were quite pleasant to work for. And working for that French whore was so much more disgusting and degrading than to be a nanny-servant to a rich family in NYC.

Shadow did something right in that French family in the very beginning when we just got there. Once the door was open to the area where the children's Guinea pigs were. There was one in each cage. One cage was open at the top. Shadow went up and decided to play with the animal... I was somewhere in the house with the whore. She was explaining something to me, how to clean something or what not. So we went back down and saw Shadow looking at the other Guinea pig in the closed cage. And then we saw the other one dead on the floor. I don't like seeing animals dead. It broke my heart for a minute to see that little thing dead, but there was no blood. He must have just played with it and the animal died of fear. Shadow was so gentle. He could have as a predator would have the instinct to do, chewed on it and have cut the little animal in pieces, but no blood at all, no cuts on the animal. My big boy just wanted to play, and the little thing didn't want to play! Anyway I am so against the whole concept of kids getting those animals to play with and to keep in small cages, because kids play with them for a while and then they forget about them. As the matter of fact, I was the one who took care of the Guinea pig that was still alive. The lady never told me to take care of it, because she said it was the kids' responsibility. Well every day, I saw the water holder empty until the end of the day. The cage would never get cleaned. It was disgusting. The sad part is that I know that it happens like that in many families. I can't stand it. So of course I took care of the animal. When I left, I am sure that it was ignored and suffering again. I am not a fan of humans, but I have a weakness for evolved higher societies like the US and Canada. Switzerhell has too much money compared to its people's level of awareness.

So I left that filthy house. My dogs deserved better. Renting a cold room in an old mansion was my next step. But the dogs had little friends to play with which was fun for them, without stupid humans' intervening in a negative way. That was a treat. I thought life was getting better. No heat but everything else! I started working in Geneva and everything was moving along. I thought I might win the Euromillions with all those positive vibes coming towards me. Well I didn't.. Getting an apartment in the Geneva area is close to impossible unless you agree to overpay. I mean NYC rent is expensive but it's Manhattan, it's not the best place in the world but it's a fun city. Geneva? Besides the 2 separate worlds of diplomats and moron Swiss, I am not sure what is worse. Geneva is the city whose people ( mostly Swiss) voted to have 13 breeds of dogs to be constricted to wear muzzles and leashes at all time and everywhere, including the country side, all parks and by the river. So now Geneva has a bunch of large dogs who are becoming unstable and vicious. Dogs that can't exercice the was they used to, or that see other dogs without muzzles when they all of a sudden have to wear one , do not exert happy vibes... The dogs who get to go outside without a muzzle just like before now go out in the middle of the night and don't ever see the outside of the apartment with day light. Now cops have a fun task to do instead of sitting in their car looking at the drug dealers doing their thing and letting them do it at the train station . And they do their job well when it comes to giving tickets to people with a dog without a muzzle on! They of course stick to their choosing who they stop to give a 350 francs ticket. Like they stopped and fined me the only time I didn't put a muzzle on my dog. I don't live in Geneva but used to go there on a regular basis. Geneva people are so ridiculous that before this new law on 13 breeds wearing muzzles, they put one out : It was the first law on muzzles in 2006. It said all dogs must wear muzzles in parks. There are quite a few parks in Geneva and you can't even find a dog run! I found a dog run in a yucky area of the city where shit was all over, not picked up. Well yes the Swiss don't like to pick up as it is, but they think since it's an area for dogs especially, why should they pick up? Isn't it part of the dog business to poop and piss everywhere? Sure Swiss! In most parks anyway, dogs are not allowed. So as soon as this stupid law came out, Swiss people rushed to the store to buy muzzles for their dogs of all sizes. The stores had problems finding distributors who would provide them with small dog muzzles... Instead of protesting, the Swiss insisted on buying muzzles all over the place, muzzles for Poodles, Maltese, Bichon, etc.. People owning these kinds of dogs are the kind of people who go to parks with their dogs on a very regular basis. They sit on benches and call it a dog walk. The law lasted about 5 months, and then it changed again... to the 13 breeds chosen by the way they look. 13 breeds and the Doberman is not on the list!! I love Doberman ( really I do, the short luscious black hair and the muscular and slender body) but we all know how fast the dog can be. Anyway the German Shepard and the Saint-Bernard are not on the list either. Talking about a list, I also have a list of morons I'd like to see walking around with a muzzle. Two-legged human morons!

I worked in Geneva for half a year teaching English and French to adults. The school would send me to various companies to teach in people's offices mostly. I was moving around town on my bicycle. I thought New York was dangerous on a bicycle! I used to say taxi drivers were trying to kill me whether I was on a bike or on roller blades. Well in Geneva, people are not trying, they kill people on a regular basis. I saw 2 deadly accidents in 6 months. And yes they go through multiple driving courses and on the road lessons to get their driver's license. They don't drive well with all those driving courses, and they kill people on bicycles because they don't care.

The pay for this teaching job was definitely lame considering all the moving around, the canceled lessons, and no paid vacation and no benefits. But I kept on working for the same company in another town for the next 2 years. At least with that job I was meeting people from all over the world, and usually people who weren't at the bottom of the ladder, so we could have decent conversations.

My job was not unpleasant and was somewhat intellectually stimulating when the busy students didn't cancel the class last minute, after I had gotten to their workplace. My job I could handle since I was dealing with all foreigners, but the living situation was always bad. It is frustrating to live in a place where you ae not happy to come back to, where you wish you could quickly get your dogs and move, far away... I wish I could especially forget all about the Swiss village I moved to, after the Geneva border apartment. I moved in that small studio in the middle of the village, myself and my 2 dogs. My one guy friend who I had dated for a while and who would still spend time with us sometimes, couldn't help me because he had to work and train... ( yes his weight training work outs were sacred ). So everyone in the building saw a single woman, alone...moving in. Great target! The first week, I had the concierge knock on my door 3 times to explain to me all the different rules of the building. He played the person who didn't care about the dogs, or the big dog... I later learned that before me there was a guy with a Pitbull who the concierge had a physical fight with, and the dog barely touched him. Usually if the owner has a fight with someone the dog goes for the fight as well. I had gotten bitten by a dog in Paris once because his owner had slapped me. The dog doesn't care who started the fight, he defends his owner. So the concierge hadn't said anything about the fact that he was in court with a guy with a pitbull who had lived in that very apartment before. I am sure he was already planning to make me move out from the first week I got there. So his first maneuver was to catch me in the hallway after my last dog walk at night , when he was drunk and stinking like hell. He would start flirting with me and grabbing my arm . I had just moved there so as much as I wanted to take my arm away, I knew in which country I was, and I stupidly thought that if there was a chance for me and my dogs to be liked instead of hated, I had to take the crap. But he was not doing that to flirt with me because his jealous live-in girlfriend would have given me dirty looks. She knew about the whole scam. They thought I would either feel uncomfortable enough to leave, or my dogs would start growling or try to bite him, and they could throw me out with the cops! And Shadow did growl once because he really felt that I hated that man and that it was painful for me to stand close to that man. I couldn't hide my feelings to my big dog. My Shadow was very sensitive to human feelings. Sometimes he would love someone I didn't even know that well, and he was always right about the sincerity of the person. Then, when the super saw that his trick didn't work, he had the Portuguese woman next door, who he knew was up all night, make a bit more noise against the walls to wake me up or make the dogs bark. The dogs didn't bark but it woke me up. That worked and the concierge's wife started being so nice to me, to pretend she was on my side. I actually believed her for a while. She even said she was going to call the cops on that Portuguese woman several times but at the last minute she would find an excuse not to. It was a nightmare to live there. I didn't know I was being played to that point! People in the village also insulted me and told me to move away. I thought it wasn't different from any other place and I didn't suspect the whole village being in on making me get out! In small villages, the Swiss like to have village meetings to get to know people, and to talk about what's wrong or good. Usually people stay nice and hypocritical, but there, I was a cause they could all agree on. I have one word for them: trash. These village people used to all yell at me when they saw my dog take a shit near their house even if I picked it upall the time. They said it left a residue on the ground. Sometimes I used to yell back but I knew exactly what I could say or do not to be arrested, which wasn't much, but I never lost it even if sometimes it took a lot of self control! I always thought I would get my revenge one day. I used to plan their death... I think these punks are still alive! I never saw walking my dogs as a chore, but with these idiots around, it was never peaceful to take the dogs out, as I would do, 3 times a day, sometimes 4. It was heavy and really uncomfortable to live in such a filthy environment every day.

　

I am someone who likes to be alone. I enjoy my own company. Instead of feeling totally alone I really enjoy the company of dogs. Actually even though I haven't experienced too many other animals around me for long periods of time, I think I enjoy the company of most animals. Some people I love being around, but the list is small. There are not too many people I like being around for a long period of time anymore. Most people even if they're fun, I like to leave them after a while and go home, where it's just me and the dogs. When I look around, I see people who are lonely and who need a person to share their life with. I don't feel the need to be . Then I look at them and see 2 people not really meant for each other, fighting or feeling miserable in many ways. Frankly I understand the fact that they don't want to live alone, but I think it's sad unless they're really good at making things work no matter what the personality of the other is. Some people are like that. They so love company that they make it work. Good for them. I'd rather be alone. But then with me in Switzerhell is the problem of not wanting people to interfere with my "peace" or private life. And as much as in the US I was understood and respected, the Swiss are bothered because it's not normal to them for a woman to want to be alone. At the same time they're curious, so they dig , spy, try to learn as much as they can on me to then put me in a little box that they have created and put a label on. It makes them feel safe and that they know everything and everyone. They think they figure everyone out. The point is I don't necessarily not want them to figure me out, but their brains are so limited that I know for a fact that they won't figure me out the right way. In the US, a few people figure my main character out really quickly. Even getting to know a person, anybody is really difficult. Most people don't know themselves, much less know their friends and family members.

Swiss children realize that their parents are pricks and grow up with that. What will they become? pricks as well of course! Yes when I see kids sometimes I think it's a shame because there is hope if only they could be taken out of their disgusting homes, away from their parents. They are a few smart ones who are intelligent, emotionally smart, psychologically aware than the rest. But why would I talk about the few exceptions? I am talking about the whole people of Switzerhell. The trash that lives there without being known because they keep a low profile. Tha's also part of the culture, people are not trained to show themselves much. Have you seen them speak in public? on TV? They are awkward, unprofessional, shy . It's centuries of generations of people who don't feel right with who they are. When someone does feel right, they stare.

I have always wondered why these idiots stare at me the way they do. When I am in Switzerhell I try to dress sort of like them because I know they stare, so to limit the looks knowing how I hate stares unless someone says has something positive to say , like in the US. The American custom is perfect for me. If someone stares, that same person is about to justify the stare. Whether it's positive or negative, you'll know the why and you'll be able to deal with it. I guess the reason why their stares bug me so much now is not only the fact that I had the opportunity to live in a better place(USA) and it's hard to be deprived of that little peaceful aspect of everyday life, but also I have to admit that when they don't speak it makes me feel like they're knocking at my door without saying a word. It's inhuman. Humans are supposed to be higher in intelligence and in behavior than animals. As much as I love animals and I don't mind their stares because I don't really know what they think or don't think. Humans, I pretty much get their thought process even if everyone is different. Even if their stares are positive which is rare, it makes me feel like they're invading my space. Over in Switzerhell if you react to a stare, like : " What? what do you want?" they answer : " nothing, are you crazy?" Yes I'm the crazy one!!! It hurts to live around people who are not brighter than my dogs! My dogs are smart because knowing that they don't have the ability to talk, to learn much in their lives, well they act very intelligently. But I wouldn't let them drive a car, nor wear cop uniforms to go around and arrest people. Actually if cops were dogs around the world, the planet would probably be a better place. If you don't teach a dog anything from the time he is a puppy, he won't know much. Think about kids who you don't teach anything, who you don't teach to talk properly. Well how smart do they get? Not very. Other species have different aspects that we don't understand. Dogs are pretty predictable compared to people, but still different species have assets that humans don't have. That's what I like as well, my dogs have senses that I don't have. So my dogs are different enough that I stay fascinated all the time. I love people who teach me things. Gee, I haven't met any of those for a while. In the US, I remember learning from people who lived on the street. True I was young and Swiss so I didn't know anything about anything but a lot of people who are not Swiss ( different cultures of the world), have taught me things about life that no Swiss could ever think of. When you learn something, it's also about how you process the information. I am not saying I am smarter than the Swiss. But I developed something in my spirit, in my mind that is a minimal part of my brain, but already has grown to be more like the rest of the world, and a bit like Americans even. I am really cocky to say I am American, but if I had the chance to go back and stay forever I could learn my last bits to be as good as Americans. Swiss people basically try to be different from Americans, and it makes them look ridiculous. They hate the US but if they're lucky enough to be embraced by the US, they change their minds. Most people hate the US because they're jealous, in Switzerhell. They comfort themselves with their old stones and scriptures and even architecture... I believe Europe was a great place centuries ago.

　

I don't know why I have had such a fucked up life. You are going to tell me that a lot of people have had fucked up lives. Well, maybe so but I could have had a better life. We are all victims of our country and our education. I am so full of hope for a Swiss. Yet the curse is that I am Swiss. What have I done to deserve this? The worst disgusting rich stupid idiots of the world!! If at least I was a foreigner who had been cursed and sent there for some reason, I'd be better off, people would leave me alone as they hate foreigners but they magically leave them alone because somewhere along the line they were told that you can't bother foreigners because they bring money in the country! And if you're one of the "poor" foreigners, like the Portuguese for example, then "don't bother them because they work for less money than us¨! Which is not always correct, but the Swiss need to believe that low-class foreigners coming in is cheap labor. When I was growing up, I remember hearing of people hating Italians, Spanish, Portuguese, or Eastern Europeans and sometimes taking action against them. Now the Swiss f*** with what they can. Some of the families that immigrated 30, 40 years ago are now strong families who occupy high positions in society. The Swiss have such lame lives that they need to look for s*** somewhere, anywhere, discreetly, but nevertheless bother people about something. The Swiss don't feel well with who they are. These people have nothing to live for. Sometimes I wonder why they get to live. Nature is not fair, we all know that. I was lucky for a while, having lived in the US when I was 12 for 6 months, and then later studying there. Lucky is a funny word and funny concept. We place it on positive events that manifest for someone. Is it random or did someone place intent? Did God do anything?

I don't know whether to believe in God or not. I have and then haven't... and then have and then haven't again... I always thought that even if I was not really lucky, I was protected because my life could also have turned out a lot worse. I believed in help from above, or somewhere. But now when I look at all these Swiss scumbags who live well with good money while staying dumb, and destroying lives, getting in everyones' business to then bother innocent people. Usually money makes people soft. I have heard that from many people in the US who grew up in poverty and did quite a lot of bad things, but then recovered and made more money, had a better life and got "nicer", joined humanitarian movements, started being sensitive towards others, helping when they can, etc. The Swiss never help when they can. The Swiss are known for giving a lot of money to charity. Well it's first of all because they have the money and don't use it, and also because they are diminishing their tax rate by giving to charity. That's also a way to say that they are helping people, from their confortable home, without an effort! They don't help anybody. Funnily I don't feel like helping either when I am in Switzerhell. However I am always put in situations where I feel sympathy for a person at a specific moment, and I forget about the fact that I am in hell land and forget about the fact that helping that person is not going to mean that that person is going to help me later. It never does in Switzerhell for a single woman like me. In the US I feel more " normal". I see people helping others all the time and it makes me automatically react to help someone who needs it, in front of me. In Switzerhell, I feel like s***, it's this horrible feeling of why is there such a country on the planet? People like that should not even be, breathe, eat, poop. The reason why the world doesn't learn about the mediocrity about how these people are and behave, is because they are ignored by most foreigners who come to Switzerhell. Most foreigners who live there don't interact with Swiss other than to buy things. It's not because they can't integrate, it's because they never feet the need to! If they work with a Swiss, they later say the one Swiss in their firm is not very cool, as if maybe the others are better, but they don't really need to go out and find out. I teach French and for most of my students, I am the only opportunity for them to speak French except for the stores and listening to TV and radio. Foreigners can live and ignore the Swiss, live as if they were not there. With me it's different, I can't. For one I am alone so I can't be distracted by my many friends every time I come across a Swiss punk, and by punk I mean your average Swiss Joe. By distracted I mean when you see stupidity, and you're with someone, you can ignore it, because you have other things to talk about and you forget about it but when you're alone, and you understand these morons, it's painful, it's like a disease, it's around you and the more you try to avoid it, the more it creeps up!! I do feel like exterminating the breed. I know I am Swiss, but I know that if I move to the US, in a while I'll fit in like a fish in water, my accent is good, my mind is American. I just have that Swiss sickness in my blood, I am a potential psychopath, that's a fact. I say it lightly because I know I have it in me to stay myself and not give into the disease. It may very well develop, but in the US, I can develop my human self, my positive self. I actually enjoy helping others in the US. Many have helped me there as well. In Switzerhell no one has ever helped, or they didn't mean to. The only ones that have hired me were foreigners . I have had such a shitty life in Switzerhell and have been attacked by so many Swiss ( in small yet effective ways). No wonder I feel like killing sometimes. At least it taught me that a person like me who when I was 21 and had lived 4 years in the US, and consequently had dreams about making the world a better place, can have very dark thoughts like killing people when brought to an evil environment for a few years. The thing the Swiss have on their side is the more I live in Switzerhell the more I realize that the list of people I 'd like to kill is getting larger and larger that it would take an army to help me kill them all. Of course I could dedicate my life just like them in making other people's lives miserable, but I don't have it in me to waste my time like that. I'd rather just kill, quick, clean. End of story, done. I don't feel like playing their nasty games at ruining other people's lives. Deep down, I feel everyone should live their life the way they want to, as long as they're not hurting others. After what you've read you may not think I have a good enough excuse to want to kill anyone. I realize that I am sensitive, and even if I am feeling a lot of pain from all the events that I had to go through on Swiss land, I could have gone through worse pain, the kind of pain that doesn't give you the strength to even want to kill, the kind of pain that destroys your soul and that makes you want to commit suicide. Thank God I am not there, and when I say thank God, I mean thanks to something other than human, maybe even other than this 4rth dimension world. I have many personalities. The killer is the one that can no more. The one that can't live like that anymore. The sad one that wants to cry every day, but wants to kill instead of killing herself. Killing herself would only happen if she herself would hurt the ones she loved . That is a fact I can't bear. When you hurt the ones you love, you are really messed up. Like if I would seriously hurt my dogs. I am tough with Shadow, I have kicked him in emergency situations, but I would never kill him !! But I would kill others who attack us. All humans have it in them, killing people I mean. They have the killing animals down really good. Many say that some people are incapable of killing. Well may these people stay as happy and balanced all their lives, because it I am just lazy to organize everything not to get caught. I like easy. If killing is complicated, it's a burden but is in the human psyche to destroy others, when attacked, or when not happy, or when troubled, etc. Another part of me just wants to get out of Switzerhell, but the thought of having to come back if I fail ,again, to build myself a life somewhere else, is unbearable. Also my dogs don't like moving around that much. They have been really good while we moved apartments, country even a few times, but as they get older, I am trying to give them comfort, even if in Switzerhell they refuse to let a dog of a breed they hate, be at peace and comfortable. I try to do my best for them , with what I have. They have 4 legs, look different, but I love them. People usually can't love animals as much as humans because they don't look like them and humans are so selfish and so egocentric, that they can only love the ones that resemble them. It's bad enough few people really love people from other races, so imagine other species!! I am different on that. I have often started to love people, until they disappointed me, as humans. Dogs, even if they are not always the way I want them to be, are never a big disappointment, plus they are cute, which makes me weak!!! Love is never wasted, on dogs. Shiva is the cutest thing on this planet for me. I can't think of one day since the day I got him, when I didn't look at him thinking: is it possible to be that cute ?

I feel crappy not to be able to give my dogs a better life. I know the Swiss don't find it normal that I love my dogs more than people, even if few of them know it, otherwise they would have killed my dogs. If they knew they could get at me with my dogs, they would have if not killed them, kidnapped them. Of course it is engrained in my brain somewhere that I am not supposed to love animals more than people. So I feel guilty. I am trying to get rid of guilt. Guilt doesn't exist, it is an untouchable feeling that dirty humans have created. Feeling bad about having done something doesn't help, even if lots of people like to hear it. I say if someone does something wrong in their book, they should just try to do a lot more good, that's all. Looking back doesn't help. At the same time I know that sometimes we can't help looking back, thinking back.... I wish I had done this or that. It is not easy to look forward and look at the bright side all the time. Sometimes you just think: Life is miserable. It's funny how when it's miserable, we still go on. Well I go on hoping, for the dogs really. I need to dance again, I need money to live... I guess we all need things... In the US I understood "not winning the lotto" because I was always thinking about the people that needed it more than me and deserved it as much as I did, if not more. But in Switzerhell, not only that it would be part of my revenge but I don't think anyone really deserves it in that country, so I don't know why I am not winning! I just dream of a stable house and a big piece of land for my dogs...and other dogs for my dogs to play with....

Why do some people get to live in luxurious places and some others live in rat holes? Rich people who have health can really be ungrateful sometimes, when really they should thank life for what they have. If they have their health they have everything. Humans are not smart. But when you come to Switzerland, you will meet the stupidest of them all! Even poor people of the world are not half stupid as they are. Money should buy education, knowledge, but most of all it should buy common sense. A friend of mine from Ghana told me that he was surprised to see that the Swiss had no common sense when they drive. The truth is he doesn't interact much with the Swiss so he sees the stupidity only in their driving. I myself am so fed-up with their driving, how they leave zero distance between them and the car in their front, and how they don't put blinkers when they turn when they pretend to be so perfect... I can't stand their having to prove that their car is faster than mine when they see I am a woman. I am thinking about not driving anymore, because driving is one more way I have to interact with the Swiss, thus another way to feel the frustration of being around them.

I can't stand being around them. Some say that by saying that, I am attracting more of " I can't stand being around them". Breaking the cycle would mean I have to like being around them, or not care. When people don't leave you alone, how are you supposed to not care or like being around them? Dig in the trash and look for some positive! I have done that. I have looked for positive threads, whether it was a few people or activities to keep me busy. I do that, but I also think I need to find a way, a plan to get out of Switzerhell. I search and pray so hard that I am emitting the vibe: "help me get out of here now!" and it is so strong that again....I am attracting more situations that make me scream " help me get out of her!". The law of attraction makes sense. I am not sure it always works as clearly as we have heard, but the base of it, is right. When you're stuck in a very bad place, both physically, mentally and emotionally, it is tough to break the cycle. Sometimes I am able to feel happy, to feel that pure joy that no Swiss has ever felt. It drives the Swiss nuts. When they see someone truly happy, they go nuts. It just might drive them even more crazy than when someone is different than them. I frankly think I have been able to get rid of most of my Swiss-ness. It's like an alcoholic who was able to get rid of the disease, and now she or he is stuck in a place with only alcoholics around! She or he would hate it right? would want to get out fast right? But if she or he doesn't have the money to leave, What happens then? It's not that I want to have a drink, because the only residue of being Swiss that is left in me is my rage, but I have it under control. I only see the disease in them. I just need to get out of that country. I am not strong enough to interact with idiots and bullies, everyday, all the time. It is unproductive to put oneself under so much pressure. In order to find the few decent exceptions in the country, you have to meet so many filthy people, move through and get to a few along the way, who are decent. The good people I know are foreigners with families. No decent fun person wants to live in Switzerhell. At the gym men disgust me, and I run away from most. They see it because I am not good at keeping a straight face, so even if there was one decent guy in the mass, I would miss him. I literally feel disgusted by their ugliness, their vibes, the way they look at me, and the way they think ( I hear them talk and I know the standard mentality). They probably think I am scared of men when I move away from them. What they don't know is that I so would like them to disappear, out of my face, don't want to see them, nor hear them, nor smell them. The presence of all animals is a thousand times more pleasant. If I told them all this they would say I am nuts, crazy, they would laugh really hard because they are so confident that they are great people!! I know I am not crazy, because I know a lot of other people from other places on this planet, other countries, which I appreciate and who appreciate me. I am not going to say all other peoples of the worlds are great. There are nasty disgusting people in every country, but when it is the majority like in Switzerhell, it creates a filthy vibe, which in turn doesn't help them either. I am not a fan of humanity when I think about all the atrocities that happened and are happening, but there are many people out there outside of Switzerland, in the US and in other countries who are beautiful inside, interesting, fascinating, smart and funny!! Those people I love to have around me! I even like simple decent people who mean well and do their best in life. Again...none of those in Switzerhell. Have you ever met someone who lived in Switzerhell and said that she or he loved it because of the people?? I have never. They always love it for the beauty of the land, the money they earn, etc, but not for the people. I am Swiss so I know the Swiss well, better than a foreigner who comes to Switzerhell and interacts with them here and there after work... I just wish the world could see the reality of this lame place with a great image. It bugs me to see tourists who are fascinated by the image. It is really the fact that they are brainwashed. When I look at some tourists sometimes, who come from beautiful countries, and they take pictures of Swiss horizons that are really not so pretty. It is amazing how marketing, publicity brainwashing works. It works best on groups. Tourists who come alone always feel a brisk of disappointment when they come to Switzerhell.

Today is December 24th 2007. I am about to spend another shitty Christmas... I am in Switzerland. I haven't found the man of my life and I hate it around Christmas. The rest of the year I don't mind being single but at Christmas, I always feel, it would be nice to have found him. I am 36 years old, and still sad at Christmas. I am thankful for my dog's health though, I am. I also have Shadow's girlfriend ( a big black dog) for a week on vacation, which I like. She lifts my spirits that dog. My boys feel my desperation about life, even if I can still find moments where I show them love and happiness.

Where would I want to be tonight? I would like to have found a rich handsome funny man in New York, who has a penthouse in Manhattan , a house in Connecticut and at least one dog. We would have spent Christmas eve in Manhattan. We would walk our 3 dogs and then have dinner in a nice restaurant, and then walk the dogs again through the city for hours... Through the city lights... That would have been nice...But I was never able to meet that man in NYC. Was it my Swiss vibe or the residue of my wanting to get rid of my Swiss vibe that stopped me from attracting a match for me? Frankly he could have been a mechanic or a dog walker...just a decent guy with a job and his own place...the guy who I would have been happy with and vice versa.

Instead I am stuck in Switzerhell. I have been thinking about my father lately, maybe because it's Christmas. This student I have, she is about my age, she lost her father and she was telling me how she truly believes he is watching over her. I used to think that and then in the last couple of years I have stopped thinking that. Also when I went to see Sylvia Brown in NYC, she told me the only message he had for me was that he was sorry he couldn't say goodbye and he was sorry he left a big paper mess. Because it was true that he left a big paper mess, I sort of believed her. Sylvia Brown must know something, or else she wouldn't have lasted so long in being famous. So I thought what a lame thing to tell me, sorry for the paper mess... It had to be meant for my mother because I didn't deal with the mess, my mother did. She went to court and dealt with the lawyers to get rid of the debt and get some money out of it. I never got any message from my father, as some people get, from their deceased loved ones. I of course could have been too blind to get any message, that's possible too.

Before my dogs, dance was my only friend, and a great friend it was. The simple Swiss chick, who came out of a dumb country was dancing on stage with great American dancers... I was living life!!! Later reality came back to bite me. I hadn't finished university and my mother was upset. I am thinking now that my father might have been upset too. Maybe he decided not to help me anymore. Instead of blaming myself for screwing up my life, I am now blaming my mother. Isn't it always the parents' fault? I am asking the question in a funny and serious way at the same time. I am just trying to find other possibilities to explain my misery, how my life turned out, because I certainly did not plan it that way. I didn't know much, but I didn't want it the way it is. I logically got my dogs because I really needed them. I had made mistakes in my life, in choices I made in the US, in coming back to Switzerhell. I sometimes ask myself: How with all the will power that I think I have, I was not able at any point to recover, to get lucky once to get back on my feet? The thing is I have lived great things in the US, and my barre is set a bit too high. And my stubborn self won't settle for less, won't settle for an ok guy, for an ok job, for a yucky country. Well I have no choice on that, I am working an ok job right now, to survive. But this surviving thing doesn't work for me. I want to live!!! I have seen Great and I want Great! But I am getting none of that, and it's making me sad. I guess I should be thankful to have my health , and my dog's health. I love those dogs, and that's not sad. I have this sensibility for animals which I would like to explore more but I have so many other problems in my life like people messing with my everyday life, my car , my mail, my sleep.... that I am fighting to survive in every way there is. I am not special. I shouldn't get a better life than most people. Well I should get as much as these scum bags Swiss ! They have money!!!! money! I should get that. They have friends and family but I am not jealous because they are so lame that they have so many problems with their families and they don't enjoy them. But I am jealous of the money. I am frustrated that they have so much and I have none. Yes I could have taken that fulltime receptionist job in Geneva to then make more money than now. But that would have implied to leave my dogs from morning to evening in a studio!! No way in hell. I'd rather be poor and stay who I am! I work part-time because I need quality time with my dogs. Spending time with who we love is a huge part of life. Spending time with creatures who need you is most important in my opinion, like spending time with children and animals, who need caring for and attention, is important. Life should be about doing what you love, and spending time with the ones you love. I know it's easier said than done, but it is my personal goal.

　

Life and love.....

　

I have never been lucky with men even though I have never had really horrible experiences. I never had boyfriends who tried to kill me , rape me, or insult me. The men I have been with were decent with me but never great. In the last couple of years, I have been with some men but they weren't real boyfriends except one. I have to say that the sex hasn't been great. When you are happier to get home and spend time with your dogs than spending time with the guy, there is something wrong! I have yet to meet a guy I can love more than my dogs. I am sick of having bad sex, either it's too much or not enough, or one thing or another that doesn’t feel good. I guess it's because the love is not there, but other women get to have good sex just for sex...I have found that twice only. Can I find love then? please anyone?? I know I am in the wrong country because I don't like most men in Switzerhell, but I couldn't find it in the US either and I loved men there. I know that I can't settle for something comfortable. I want the real thing. It's just funny how I love my dogs so much that I am always happier with them than with some guy I meet. I know I am not a lost case that just refuses to find love. I am open to it. I am not totally happy when I am in Switzerhell so I get the fact that I can't attract the one or two guys in the country that could be good for me. I couldn't meet a good one in the US either! I always think that no matter the luck in the past, I could still meet him. It's like I know love is out there for me, probably not in Switzerhell unless I meet this foreigner guy who is just passing through, but I know I will meet love one day. I am totally open to meeting my other half, the kind of guy that I'd love so much that I could not stand to be apart from. I like my own company and there is no hurry. The thing is whether I want real love or not, I am not afraid to find it and I am still not finding it! I guess many people never find it. A teacher once told us in 7th grade that he believed we had a soul mate somewhere in the world and for him it was not his wife. Just the fact that he would say that to his class was an insult to his wife but it was the truth for him, so there. He settled, just like most people. Some think they've got the right one and then they see they messed up later on. Some feel it's fine to love several people in their lives, marrying several times. I am not sure what I feel about a soul mate or loving several men in a different way. Being Swiss, I really didn't learn much about love. Attraction comes naturally, like animals. As a woman, I was told being nice will help me find a man who will want to marry me. Human interaction and communication is not taught anywhere in Switzerhell, so once you're gone through the physical attraction, you're lost. And there are many Swiss couples who are lost. What is on their side is that many times both are lost so they sort of figure out that they like the idea of not living alone, so they go for the company, and try to get along in their lost ways. When I go to the restaurant in Switzerhell, I am always amazed at the lame conversations couple hold. It is sad, they never laugh, nor talk about things that seem to interest them.

　

Last night September 26th 2008, there was a jackpot of about 135 millions Swiss francs at the Euromillions game. That's the kind of money that not only would enable me to leave the country forever and buy me a green card, but also buy not one house but two or three and not count what I 'm spending. One of my dreams is also to redistribute the wealth. Winning big amounts at the Lotto should also be about giving to the right people, instead of the wrong ones.... What person needs that much money for her or himself? I get the dream of being a millionaire, having plans of opening businesses, but unless you have many children, do you really need that much money? Anyway, since I came back to Europe 3 years ago, life has been hell. So every time there is such a jackpot, I hope, I pray, I wish.... I was mad at God for a while for not helping me. I never asked God for a lot because I usually manage to find ways alone since I believe there are lots of things we can do ourselves in this 4 dimension world. But I didn't win. so I started thinking differently, not praying God, believing in myself, didn't work. I kept going back and forth, praying and believing I could do it alone. I know some of you think that winning the Lotto is not something you try to do. The odds are so small. Well, I disagree. So much money which can change a life doesn't happen randomly. 3 months ago, I went to Paris for a week vacation. I know the city and I like to go to an American bookstore every time I go to Paris. I usually just buy a book that attracts my attention. I hadn't heard about the Secret, I was in Europe when the film came out. I saw the book at that bookstore and it caught my attention. I bought it. The Secret, and I really thought : Ah that's it, I have known that all along I just needed this guidance on how to really think properly! I loved that book. It seems like all the things I thought were right and everyone especially in Europe used to tell me I was high or stupid when I would mention some material that comes up in the book The Secret. So as soon as I started reading the book, I started to feel my hopes grow and strengthen. I felt like, I have known this, and the fact that all these people ( who wrote in the book), who are successful people confirmed the law of attraction and the power of thoughts, made me feel powerful and that my dreams were going to come true. My dreams start with winning the Euromillions (lotto game), because I need the money to get out of Switzerhell for good . So I think of the money, the lotto game, the numbers I play enough and with great joy, I have to win soon. I didn't win , but I thought it can't work the first time, especially the Lotto, it's a difficult thing, even if the book says: no matter how big is the thing that you wish for, there are no limits to our powers... So I played again and read again to see if I missed something, but it's been a month now and every Friday... I don't win... Last night there was such a big amount to be won, I had my thoughts on a great frequency.... And I thought I was really feeling it, feeling the winning, visualizing it. I have always been good at that. I believed I was winning so much that the next day when I saw I didn't, I cried like a raging baby! I am thinking what am I doing wrong? I don't want to say The Secret doesn't work because that would lead me in a state of constant hatred without hope. The Secret is actually no big secret as everyone has experienced once or twice the way of attracting good things when one is happy or joyful or grateful. Our brains are complicated and unless one is psychologically "clean", one doesn't even know what one truly wants. When one is being bullied and stepped on, it is a bit difficult to stay focused on feeling good and ignoring the world around. I do have a lot of hatred for these Swiss people, not only because of what so many have done to me but also because I know they do all sorts of crap to other people who don't have the right defenses. I hate how they hate dogs.

Three days ago, the only woman in the closest village , who has 2 big scary looking dogs, had her chalet burnt. I passed by today, the chalet is totally burnt down. The only thing that's left is part of the roof, and 2 outside walls! It was also a woman living alone with her dogs. That brings even more hatred in me and I am not going to be leaving my dogs in my chalet any time soon! These Swiss people are despicable! They burnt her chalet because of the breed of her dogs, and maybe because they barked a bit too much according to these Swiss people. The chalet is near the road. I have taken this road at least 80 times and have never heard any dog barking!! The Swiss are a despicable people. They do stuff like that when they know they can, when they know they won't get caught and when they know they've got people who are happy about what they did , like what they did to that woman! In one way, they do criminal acts against people because of their dogs, and then when it happens to them, when or if someone burns their chalet, then they calm down. The fact and the matter is a chalet of a woman is easily burnt, but few risk burning the house where a man lives. The only reason these Swiss haters haven't burnt my chalet, I believe, was, aside from my luck, the fact that a few times I had friends coming over, with real expensive cars, foreigners no Swiss of the area knew about: The kind of foreigners the Swiss know nothing about and the kind who scare the Swiss, just by being richer than them. A lot of people in Switzerhell live in pain and suffering because they endure or have been «　put　» in an «　accident　» by someone , but since people can't sue unless they have a lot of money in Switzerhell, they keep on living in pain, because they know they can't do anything!

So no one knows how much I want to get out of Switzerhell forever and ever! Have the money to stay away for the rest of my life! I didn't stay in the US last time I was in New York with my dogs because my visa had expired and I had very little money left and the little jobs I was getting were not enough to live on. Plus my mother had allured me with a house she was going to buy and charge me little rent. Instead I lived from room to studio for 2 years until she bought this chalet without running water... I like it because I have a garden, a piece of grass for my dogs, especially my big dog, he loves to hang out outside! The neighbors are pricks like all Swiss, but they don't live there fulltime, so weekdays most of the time they are not there. I then only have to deal with pricks who walk by there. These people have stolen a shovel from me, a bucket, a ladder, basically everything I leave outside for the night, just to show me that I am supposed to leave junk outside because it is ugly, and because for centuries people have had to keep their outsides clean for tourists to see how perfect everyone's garden is. You would think that maybe someone in the area would have come to me and told me not to leave stuff outside because that's not the way things work in Switzerhell. No, the Swiss way is to teach you by "punishing " you. Then later, to punish me for having a dog of a "bad" breed, and also because they found out I was a single woman who occasionally had friends over but not often, they came by, opened the gate, and walked around the chalet, looked through the windows. They would leave stuff or make marks, just to show me they were there when I wasn't, or at night. My dogs getting older, they would be sound asleep at night, and wouldn't bother if someone or an animal for that matter would come near our door quietly. Shadow used to stare at the door at night when I was watching TV sometimes, and I knew it was someone who was near, listening to what I was doing, or listening to what I was saying on the phone. Many of those Swiss people have nothing in their lives, so they have the kind of time to walk around a woman's place and listen for an hour or so. I knew no animal was out there for an hour behind my door. If a cat or a fox passed by, Shadow and sometimes Shiva would look up for a minute and then go back to sleep. The people who hang around a woman's place like that, for an hour or two, just to listen to what they are saying or to what they are watching on TV or what not, are regular Swiss people, they're not your local retard of the village. They are those polite Swiss you meet at the supermarket, sometimes retired, sometimes workers with families. The man will often say he is going for a walk. His family sometimes doesn't know that he is going to hang out someone's place to listen to what the people inside are doing. Men tend to be the ones who will waste hours observing or trying to find out stuff about people, or plan a dirty deed in someone's back. Women might be in on these deeds but will most likely spend less time on something like that unless their man asks them to.

I have come up with a new theory for the Swiss: Schizophrenia. It is actually a compliment for them, knowing that it would include multiple personalities and the Swiss hardly have any. The Swiss are personality-less. However if I look at them from a different angle, I could say that they have a collective consciousness that is one of their personalities, which the "jealous hater who plays cop". That is the predominant personality in Switzerhell that contaminates everyone, even the foreigners after a while, and even me who fights the Swiss aura everyday. Well I try to ignore it in order not to have to fight it, but it's useless. Each Swiss then has a bunch of different personalities which are weak and meek so they all fight to survive. When a Swiss child grows up, she or he starts developing a personality, but society or the parents break it. They instead install a fake personality for their child and reinforce it on a daily basis. The original personality is still there hidden, but it's tortured, suffering from lack of air to develop. The fake personality being told to be the best and the strongest, it suppresses every other personality that tries to develop. When, a few rare times in a Swiss life, the individual is feeling good, a new personality tries to emerge, but as soon as that happens, people around are quick to call the old fake personality back, which in turn, kills the new development. All these embryos of personalities are lying there in the shade of the strong fake ready-to-use Swiss personality that was installed by Swiss society, parents and loved ones. The core of the person knows that the fake personality doesn't match its own system, so it can't be loved by its own self. Therefore the person can never love her or himself. I believe I have found a few open doors to develop two of my repressed personalities. I am not saying I am really schizophrenic but I have two personalities which mess my thoughts up. I am pretty sane, despite what my destructive mother says sometimes, I am pretty sane. I have issues which manifest in violence, which I control with working out. I do feel that the violence I feel physically is a way for one of my personalities that was suffering, to come out. When I feel it coming, I go work out, and I feel better. It is very physical, so to me it means it is flowing outward, a good thing. I also have a very selective memory so there are a lot of things that if no one ever asks me to remember I won't, and I know they should come out at some point. But I can bring my personal theory to simplicity and say I have two personalities: The Swiss me, and the American me, which is the better me. The Swiss me is the one with the rage, the fear, the one who doesn't believe miracles can happen, the one that says: bring on the worst and see how I can handle it! The killer, the hater. The American one is the believer, the positive thinker, the flower child, the dancer. They are both part of me and I don't think they dislike each other. I have learned to make them get along. They are sisters. The Swiss is the pitbull, the one who is ready to fight and kill, who would like to get rid of some people who won't stop bothering me. She may have linked with the protective mother in me. The American me feels safe with her because she is so bad-ass. She does stop her when she is going to attack someone though because the American loves her dogs, plus she doesn't want to go to jail. The Swiss could care less about going to jail, but she likes the American for pulling her out of trouble and pushing her in the right direction. The Swiss knows that the American is her savior, but she can't help who she is, she likes to fight back. However they disagree sometimes which doesn't make my life easy: Whenever the American says: I'd like that! The Swiss makes sure it doesn't happen! The Swiss has nothing to loose and she won't let the American get all that she wants because she knows that if that happened, she would be placed behind barres, only to be taken out in emergency cases. The Swiss keeps me physically in Switzerhell because she knows she is more apparent there. The American loves her dogs so much she would never put them in front runner, she protects them like her babies. I guess I could say that the Swiss me is more masculine and the American me is more feminine.

　

　

I think the Swiss gets sad in the US and wants to go home all the time, like there is something there calling her, and she gets stronger when she is home, in the land of morons. The Swiss was the first personality, she is the one with the childhood memories, so when she really wants to she wins. She wins at not being happy. She wins at being herself, a survivor, but not letting herself get too happy because that's dangerous. Being too happy means she'll have to pay for it, watch her back even more! Too much effort and scary, even for her. So of course she wasn't going to let the American win and stay in the US. That's where I am stuck. I obviously want to let the American flourish, and I am having a bit of a hard time to do that.

The Swiss has the feeling of being poor. Whether she is or not, she feels poor, she feels she needs to save money as Switzerland has always "trained" its people to be scared of the future and therefore save their money in case something bad happens, instead of spending it. I remember my mother saying, when I was little, that if we spend too much money, we won't have any left. I was young and didn't quite understand money yet, but it used to scare me. I used to think that there was a threat of not having any money anymore, to buy anything. We had to save money and food too. My mother never threw away food. We bought it, we have to eat it. My mother was of course brought up like that. Throwing away food was like a sin. I remember a few times when my mother and I didn't finish a dish that couldn't be kept in the fridge, or even a salad: When she would throw it in the trash, she would make me feel so guilty, I remember feeling that threat of being really poor, and also that I made her do a bad thing, by not finishing the food. As an adult I still don't like to throw away food unless it is rotten. However saving money doesn't make much sense to me. I have this feeling that if money is there, it is to be spent. The American me has not saved money because she wants to live, life is short, but the Swiss me which has a very dark side laughs at it, because she knows that after spending every dime I always have to come to Switzerhell to live and work. They're in crisis, but they get along so well. The dark humour of the Swiss and the need to laugh of the American make a great match... That's why I can always say that deep inside I am happy, happy because of the American me, and because the Swiss me gets to enjoy this unknown happiness. I have just realized: I am two in one. I have gotten rid of all the Swiss habits and behaviors that I hate, but I have a Swiss root in me which is very dark but if the American can be stronger and make fun of the dark side or use it to defend myself, it can all work out. I know some people are more than 2 in one, and I know some people can't join the two to be one and it affects their lives. People can't tell I could be insane, but I could if the Swiss push me over the edge and if I don't get to leave the country one of these years.

Sometimes I feel like the American in me has the Secret down, and she is on the right frequency to win a lot of Swiss Lotto money to escape Swiss hell. But the Swiss sabotages her great thinking. She comes in with her doubts and fear and asks: " How can you win all this money in one night?" or "Are you sure you can do this?" or " Can you win all that money when you know that I don't believe it?" Even though the Swiss makes no sense and is no very productive, the American listens to her... The American sometimes thinks she is stronger and that she could win. But she realizes that the Swiss won't let her. The American doesn't want to fight, she knows better than fighting like little children! She has to find a way...Tricky...

The Swiss is hyper-sensitive, but when she was alone, as a child, she never cared too much about anything so it didn't show. The American cares about people, the Swiss doesn't. But since they are together, the Swiss gets offended more easily by what people do or say because the American cares more. The Swiss then stresses out and worries more about everything. The Swiss is a ball of nerves, so it is not good to have too many things we care about, or too much stress. The American calms her down but since she cares so much ( about her dogs especially), the Swiss is going nuts worrying and thinking about the worst all the time. The Swiss always pictures the worse scenario, while the American has faith and confidence in the future. "Accidents don't happen" :The Swiss always says. That's a mixture of the American who can be well aware and careful and the Swiss who worries right away and pushes the American to take action whether it is needed or not. That being said, if something does happen, the Swiss has a fit! Since the Swiss always expects the worst, and that , according to the law of attraction , attracts accidents, it is then so much work for us to control the " accidents don't happen". Life is so much work! Also, when we are in public in Switzerhell, the American is not fond of the Swiss when she sees they act stupid and nasty. The Swiss gets stressed out, the people watch her even more and she goes nuts, and it's those few and not enough times that make the Swiss want to run away and never come back! The American is there to tell her that these people are stupid and not worth getting upset over, but since she is Swiss herself she can't see it from afar like the American can. It's tough with these two.

What to do... In an ideal world, the American would have to tell the Swiss to hibernate until needed, like killing to survive , in which case the Swiss could make a glorious appearance, to then go back to hibernation. I think the American can't destroy the Swiss because she is not a killer, but if the American could tell the Swiss that she doesn't need her anymore, and even though she understands that the Swiss has great memories of her parents and of being a child which is vital, and if the Swiss could please transfer her best memories to her.

I don't think the Swiss can just disappear. After all energy doesn't disappear, it just changes form. I just want the American to take over, and to have the Swiss dissipate into thin air. That reminds me of a Spanish student who I was teaching French to, who was feeling confortable enough in my class to joke around, say that he thought it was repulsive to see a person who despises her own people, because of all the small comments that I made in class, they could tell I didn't like the Swiss ( they were only two people in that class). I took it as an insult because he was saying how disgusted he was of a person who would think this way about her people. He said it as a joke but somewhere he meant it. And in theory he is right. It is sad to despise the people from which you come from. It's sad to me but I have tried too many times to live in Switzerland peacefully, to integrate and the only place I integrate in Switzerland is within the international community, so that's not a success of living peacefully and happily in Switzerland. And actually I am still trying to live in peace since I am still there. My priority are my dogs so I am trying to do the best I can for them. It's not that life would be all that fun for me in the US without a green card and broke , so I am still positive , trying to integrate and make life in Switzerhell work for the time that I have to be there and give my dogs a decent life. At the same time I am still going to try to win the Lotto since the American in me knows it can happen.

　

I am always looking for solutions, ideas to win this impossible game called the Lotto. So many people want to win the same thing and it is, they say, almost impossible to win. The chances to win are slimmer than slim. But I have always thought I don't care about the statistics, I want to win that. It's not that I think I can do it, it's that it's what I want, period. I am stubborn. But if the law of attraction works, whether I have 2 personalities or not, I haven't won because I am at war. I am at war with Switzerhell. I can blame myself all I want and say I am at war with myself, but the truth is I am at war with that country. Living in Switzerhell or not I am at war with Switzerland. I blame the country for having made my parents the way they were, Swiss, and not better , as they could have been. I blame Switzerland for creating despicable people. And my luck was to be born there.... It took me a long time to look at things the right way in Switzerhell. Having lived in the US for a few years when I was a young adult helped me become a better person and see that there are great people out there, but during those years I was blind about Switzerhell. Many people in the US talk about Switzerland in an admirable way. "waoo, you're from Switzerland? That's a beautiful country!! What are you doing here?" I have heard that a few times. When you're away from a country and you miss one or two things or people in it, you tend to see or remember only the good things. That's why I went back so many times, thinking life could be good there. I gave that country so many chances. I gave the people so many chances, looking back, I was ridiculous. It's like giving a criminal too many chances. I am now 37 and I believe I can say: that's it! I am still living in Switzerland for the time being, but I am living like a hermit in my isolated chalet. I try to avoid people because there is a 75% chance they are Swiss. I hate them and that's the truth so I stay away. I am at the point where I don't want to try anymore to see if the people I come across are of the 1 per thousand Swiss that are somehow all right, minding their own business. Of course I have to be objective and realistic. Not every single Swiss is hardcore scum ( well because when you have a rule, there a re always exceptions, that's science, and since I am a fan of science, I need to believe in a few Swiss being all right). But the vast majority of these people are scum, so I have had enough, I can't deal anymore. I so wish I was living in a normal country like the US, where you have good and bad, but mostly good. So yes I am at war. I feel like going out there with my shot gun and start shooting one Swiss after the other. I'd probably get arrested pretty soon though right? Yes and my dogs don't allow me to go to jail! So there I am at war but frustrated because I can't take action. Of course I am in a negative state of mind, even if I find distractions and happy moments to survive. I can't win a game like the Lotto where one would have to be in a good state of mind to attract that! As some say: " you can't win when you ain't right within". I am in a vicious circle. I am at war so I can't win, so I am more at war, and I can win even less. I hate Switzerhell so much that I'd need something big to get me out of that country and out of the state of war. I can't kill the whole country, I'd have to create a country of my own and an army for that country. That's tough. I wish the US army would come to Switzerland after Afghanistan and Irak. But there is no oil in Switzerland, and no Al Qaeda. Right, no Al Qaeda... The rulers of such organizations live in Switzerhell with their families, they would never have Mujaideen take action where they live with their precious children! There are Al Qaeda producers and other despicable organizations' leaders and providers. Between them and the Swiss, I want to puke. The Swiss also have a few organisations which are not godlike. No need to name them, I like to stay alive. There is a magic silence in Switzerhell that protects every rich scum. The only bad people the police arrests are poor people who steal, deal drugs for small amounts, who make too much noise or whose dog has bitten someone, when 99% of the time a dog that bites a stranger is when the person beats the dog up, or walks into the dog's territory, or starts petting the dog without asking the owner nor the dog himself. My dog was beaten with a stick in the forest when he was a puppy a few times, I was too far to stop it, I yelled at the pricks ( I was still nice at the time). My dog didn't rebel or do anything to the disgusting Swiss men. If it happened now he would rebel , he would bark like crazy, and I would rebel. I have come to the point where I won't tolerate anyone hit my dog anymore. I have become as vicious as a Swiss, only one who takes action right away, not 2 weeks later like the back stabbers that they are.

Last year , I almost went all out on this dude: I was on top of the mountain that is close to my chalet, I was with my 2 dogs and a female, who is Shadow's friend and who I take to stay with us for a few days every once in a while. We were resting on the grass. I was looking at the view and eating some chocolate. These two men came hiking right near us. There was a huge grassy area where there was no visible trail. Since I was just a woman, they didn't think it was necessary to give me some space. The dogs were surprised and since they were quietly lying down, they were frightened by these two men walking with their sticks so close to us. So was I. So they started barking strongly at them. One of them hit the female slightly. Yes slightly was enough for me to go and grab his jacket and threaten him. When I am angry like that, I am not afraid of anything. He could have used his stick against me but I was so furious that he got scared. They both started screaming as they were walking away, screaming about how I was crazy. I am so tired of these Swiss ( and some French) people, mostly men, walking with sticks and using them as soon as a dog comes near them, no matter what the dog doesn't do. I had my dogs hit and kicked by too many people, even my little dog when he was little was kicked when he was a puppy. I was always so afraid of getting arrested , because I know in Switzerhell, men are allowed to hit any dog they want, but women are not allowed to yell at them, nor touch a hair of their precious anatomy . Shiva is my little dog and he was already almost killed by the 2 police dogs.

　

When I got my Shadow, I did get him for 2 reasons: 1: because I wanted a big dog. 2: because I needed a dog to defend my little dog who was always attacked by these unsocial Swiss dogs, and especially because people didn't care. When the Swiss see a small dog, they know the dog is not a threat to them or their dog, so they could care less about the fact that their dog could attack the little dog or not. He wasn't attacked in New York where we lived for a year before I had Shadow. He wasn't even attacked in Paris where the dogs are known to be wild and uneducated: Uneducated but more social, used to interacting with lots of dogs. In Paris Shadow may have been kicked once by an idiot jogger with a black lab I'll always remember, and people have insulted him for his Pit Bull-like look many times, but I also got positive comments and compliments a few times. Even if the balance wasn't really organic, and we got more negative comments than positive, at least we had both. As in Switzerhell, I always got only negative comments, insults, and negative actions taken against us.

With all those years of nasty stuff coming at me and my dogs, just because of the breed of my dog, have not helped me be more loving towards Swiss. It's one thing to have it bad in a foreign country. All the bad times we had in Paris, we can say we hate Parisians and not go back, but when the despicable place is your country, which I can say is much worse than Paris, because in Paris we had friends, with and without dogs, we could have fun with. Fun is something that exists in a weird limited form in Switzerhell. But if boring and not fun were the only things the Swiss were, I could take it! But their crap is so thick and filthy that it's torrid to live there. And how can I be a winner in such a filthy environment? I have kept hope. I am amazing. Self-esteem has never been my problem. I think that's why some self-help books are not so good for me because I don't need to think I am powerful and great. If I start thinking that, then I think I am more powerful than other people and I fall on my face when I realize I am not. It is the Swiss in me that doesn't know anything but thinks she is great... I know the goal is to think you're powerful but not compare yourself to other people . The Secret says competition is not good to think about. There is plenty for everyone. Well ok, so since I have lost so many times, and since other people have won so many times, can I win now?

The Secret also says: like attracts like. So if I have a lot of hatred it will only come back to me. I am supposed to love everyone to attract good! Ya, that's easy. Not! Three days ago I wanted to win so badly and I was picturing it so well that I could feel the love. Of course I was feeling the love, alone in my mountain. Since I quit my security job I wasn't working on Friday. But maybe one day of love is not enough right? I can't give up, even though it's silly to believe in winning the Lotto, but only a great amount of money could bring me the life I want, the getting out of Switzerhell for good. I am not ok with just experiencing life anymore. I need what I want! I feel like I am getting old, and I want to have the life I want before I get too old to really enjoy it. It's so frustrating! Today I started believing in ....not God, but Universal Intelligence. I like that concept. I see it as not One but many higher beings out there in the Universe. If The Secret works, then one has to be lucky already, to attract luck, or be very sanely happy to attract things that one wants. I obviously can't do it right now. I did ask the Universal Intelligence to push me to win last time . Well, I have to ask for help, serious help. I'll do my part, what I can do, but I can't do it all alone. God with a human mind, like he is described in many religions doesn't work for me. I need to believe there is a real higher Intelligence. Humans have not fascinated me, even if I met some fun, funny, smart individuals in the US . So I hope there are higher beings with greater Intelligence who don't spend much time on earth ( because what higher being would spend time among idiots and so much suffering) but who are out there, further. The animal world on earth is amazing, even if there is a lot of killing and hurting each other, but the human world is destroying the animal world for no other reason than greed and stupidity. I hope there is a Universal Intelligence that is greater than earthly beings. I hope I am right, and I hope I can get through to them to ask for a little help! I don't know if there is something I could do to get their attention, or if there is something I could do to get connected to them. I don't think they care about me needing the money. They must be above that. I am sure they have lost hope in the human race getting better and smarter. I mean I know men have invented great things and discovered a lot in science, which is great but still I am not impressed and I am human. I don't think Universal Intelligence is impressed !

October 14th 2008

They don't know how much I want to kick them, these Swiss people. I want to kick and punch Swiss so bad. I can taste it, I can smell it. I have never kicked someone the way I want to before but I can visualize it so well and I would feel so good if I kicked one really hard. It's like a piece of candy you know would not only taste so very good but would make you feel satisfied, to help you ease the pain that you have in your stomach. It would be good medicine. Plus if I could kick and punch many Swiss, I would do humanity a great deal of good. We don't have the right to take a life, but beat these people down would be the fairest thing I can think of. With all the vermine that lives in Switzerhell! Exterminating the Swiss would be a good idea, but death is not proven to be a worse place than life on earth. Societies have laws against killing people just to be in control, just to brain wash people to believe that taking human life, whatever the kind, is a terrible crime. It's just so the governments have total control over people. The governments have the right to kill , and I am not only talking about death penalty. I am talking about all the people who die of "accidents", but who have really been killed by not illegal mobs, but legal governments, people who work for them. And they're no illuminati! A lot of people say the world is governed by a group of elite people, maybe aliens, reptilians. If that's true, then it's not only Switzerhell that is full of vermine in power but the whole planet and the universe! No that would be scary. I believe if there are aliens somewhere in the universe, they are too smart to want to mingle with humans. Like I said I don't think all people are evil. In some countries like the United States, Canada, India, and many others , fortunately there is a majority of good people, people who do their best with what they have and don't have evil nasty repressed thoughts that make them act and think stupidly all the time like Swiss! Switzerhell was "saved" by all the poor foreigners who immigrated some 30, 40 years ago. All the Italians, Spanish who moved to Switzerhell in those days, make the only decent part of Switzerland, humanly. I am not talking about the massive amount of Portuguese who have moved there in the last 10 years because those are angry, they have prejudice against the Swiss, or they know and have heard a lot about the real Swiss, and their anger at the Swiss for having good salaries and being trash bags, is not helping the country, even if they're right. It just brings more anger. I must say, you got to love the real rich foreigners who love Switzerhell and never mingle with any Swiss, for helping to keep Switzerhell rich and helping to keep that great image of rich, clean, safe Switzerhell!! Puke, Puky puke! I feel like I need to live in many other countries to see and compare, because the more I know Switzerhell, the more I feel sick that places like that exist and survive. The more I know the US, the more I realize that the people, Americans, have got their priorities straight about how to make society a better place, trying to grow, to change, develop what is there, etc. The world criticizes the US, and in my case I hear it in Switzerland all the time, by Swiss or non-Americans, and some Americans for that matter, who obviously left the US because they didn't like it. What the world doesn't understand, is that societies evolve in the right direction when people push towards that. And evolution can't happen in total harmony. There are good and bad things that come along the way, but keeping the motion towards growing, getting better, without limitations is what the US is doing. Most countries in the world are stuck with their old time traditions that hold them back. They value these traditions and cultures but it doesn't help them to grow as a society. There are a lot of extremes in the US because there are less limitations than in other countries, and I believe it's without limitations that if the majority of people want to do good and grow, they let their minds think without limitations. And that is why the United States of America is the best country in the world! All countries with old rules, regulations: I am not talking about rules to drive, smoke or eat properly, but rules in people's minds about how the world is supposed to be and how people are supposed to think; these countries keep their populations from evolving. Swiss people have all the new technology because they have the money to buy it, but when their minds are not even at the level of an old electric wire. Because they have access to all this technology, they start thinking they are so far ahead of peoples who don't have the money to get access to the technology and automatically they think their minds are at a higher level! The problem is they're not, and when someone can point out the weak idiots in them and they can't defend themselves mentally, they defend themselves physically. That is why I am and will always be in danger in Switzerhell. People want to kill me and I can feel it. Thank God for their fear of loosing their little comfort (if they had to go jail...). I found out with time that my best weapon is a phone: when they see someone is in contact with someone else, live, meaning there can be a witness on the phone, they won't take chances on doing anything against you right there and then.

I know a few of them want to kill me for the bare fact that I dared point out and prove that they're really dumb, with all their money. I have none. They go out of their way to show me they can make my life difficult with all kinds of little crap that is not worth going to the cops for. I have a job, but a lame job with no future and no passion for what I do, which is what poor people have. Being poor is also my protection in Switzerhell, because Swiss feel power over me because of their money. So by them feeling so powerful, they basically think that their little crap is enough to break me. It has infuriated me, it has built anger and hatred, but they have not broken me yet. Even if, if I have a bit more money , I could attack them legally for the crap they do to me, with a good lawyer and maybe feel a little less frustration . They want to kill me because I point out their poverty of the mind. I want to kill them because I can't escape the country, and I shouldn't have to want to. It's sad, but I am not condemning them for wanting to kill me. That part I understand. I'd rather they really tried to go for the kill ( that would also enable me to defend myself and maybe kill in self-defense!) than mess with my life in small ways and attacking my kids ( =dogs). The thing is they let me and my dogs live for 4 years because I don't show my love for my dogs that much in public and also I am strict and can be tough on my dogs and people with their simple minds think that when you yell at your dog , you don't feel love for the animals. If they knew how I feel, my dogs would be have been dead. They ended up killing my big one after 4 years. I should probably thank them for having given us 4 years. Bastards!

The Swiss don't have sanity. At the end of the day, they will sit by their window instead of talking to their loved ones or reading a book (...), to get information about someone that they could use against them later on. That's how the Swiss live. They are full of hatred, because they are frustrated they're not at the level they think they are! The very few tiny few Swiss who are not insane like that ( still pretty dumb in the way they think about life and the world since it's always the same pattern of thinking), are the ones who actually admit that they are no Einstein. Frankly I have never met such people. I believe in exceptions so they must be around and I have heard of one or two . Of course those have not only traveled, but have been lucky enough to have had someone from another culture touch their souls to open a door that is usually locked and sealed for Swiss eternity.

　

　

　

Still today, tv, newspapers and schools teach children to think the same way and don't give them any freedom of thought even if they created a twisted one way mentality with the thought that they are free to think how they want but the brainwashing is so strong that children actually believe they are free to think the way they want! Am I blaming the government? No. In 2008, people should wake up for their children and open that door that they have the money to open, for them. Some of them do open that door for their kids, and the kids leave the country and never come back. My mother sort of opened that door for me. My love for the US: The fact that when I lived there year after year, the love for a better society and a better quality of life cracked that door open for me. I then had to push that door open little by little myself. Had I opened that door wide when I was 20 years old, I would have done everything in my power to stay in the US. It's not until recently, at 37 years old that I realize the things I could have done! I know it's like for many people around the world, but I consider myself lucky to have cracked that door and have gotten it open by now, when the only Swiss who get there are the ones who get to live in the US when they are really young and without their Swiss parents. I was lucky. I am not trying to say I am better than the Swiss. I just know them well and have acquired a new vision of things of the world. I fell in, not love but, in place with the American culture and ways of thinking. The key word here is "ways", because that's what I appreciate even if the standard notion of living in a society that overall tries to grow and make things right, makes sense to me. Switzerhell doesn't make sense to me. Ok so I like the US.

　

I am there in moron country where speaking French properly gets me insults about being a foreigner and not doing things the way Swiss do and the way it's supposed to be. So I try to stay discreet, away from people as much as possible. I can't get myself to speak improperly and with a think Swiss accent like I used to when I was little. So I try not to speak unless I have to. People now think I am shy, when I just hate their guts! French language is best spoken in France. I must say though since French is a bit snob, the Africans who live in France have taken French to another level of "well spoken" and cool at the same time. As for English, in Britain the accent and the way of talking is snob. Americans have taken English to another level. That is my own opinion.