17years old, I was in the US, with a bit of money for school, or something else. Had I played my cards right I would be an American by now. That's what being Swiss does to you: it does not allow you to think clearly. It does allow you to see that the US has so much more to offer and what I had to work on was a plan to stay there forever, and not go back to Hell. Being Swiss forces you to think that Switzerhell is really the best place in the end. Being Swiss keeps you trapped in the circle of thoughts that Switzerland is a great product. Therefore I always will come back to it. We Swiss, really are pretty good and the only way to stay great is to always go back to the country. It's like they hypnotize you when you're little. It is the marketing of the great Swiss image that is engrained in our brains since we're little. Yet, this thought hides a deeper sense of :"because we are the scum of humanity, in order not to realize it and go kill others and then ourselves, we have to think we are great and that we know everything and do everything better than others." I unfortunately was trapped in the thought process that the thought of going back to Switzerhell back then, whether it was for a vacation or for work, didn't repulse me. So the first Christmas was coming and my mother thought she should miss me more around that time so she called and said I should come home for the holidays. Anyways, I went back to the crooked ugly old home town for winter break. It seems like sometimes, we never learn. A pedophile's paradise, the town where the cop's son living 2 houses down, had scared the hell out of me by sexually harassing me and my mother on the phone for about 3 years, and who had raped a girlfriend of mine without anyone wanting to believe her. He then went on becoming a cop himself. But since it was the cop's son, no one could say anything and life had to go on like nothing happened. I had decided to go back to that town for 3 weeks, when I was living in the best country in the world. I didn't only do it for my mother, I actually was glad to come home ( as filthy as home was). I also knew I wasn't there for long. But no matter how much more freedom I had in the US, as a woman, as an individual, I did carry a lot of Swiss bagage that even in a great city in the US, a few Swiss diseases would come up once in a while to mess up my life. I remember a few months earlier in the US, we ( I had 2 female roommates) had gotten a weird phone call from a guy in the middle of the night. I was terrified. The girls didn't understand why I was so scared of a phone call since I wasn't scared of going to all kinds of places at night or going to parts of town that weren't really recommended. Well the reason was that I had been traumatized by that idiot son of a B 's phone calls 2 years earlier! And the sense of helplessness that I had learned from the fact that it was the cop's son and that we couldn't touch him in Swiss society lied deeper in my unconscious than the fact that I knew that in the US, I had more rights and help in general, than in Switzerhell.
So I was back home ( or so I called it for many years) for Christmas. My mother invited the family, people I didn't feel close to, except my father's mother, who I saw for the last time because she died not too long after that Christmas. I was happy to see her since she was the only member of my family I ever felt like I was related to, and I knew she had made a big effort to come to my mother's house to spend Christmas with mostly my mother's side of the family. She wasn't fond of my mother but she always was very respectful and nice. I thought I would see her again but I never did. My life was beginning and hers was ending . She was a strong woman and she went through so much. She had lost her daughter , my aunt, who threw herself under a train when her own children (twins) were 4 years old. She had lost her husband two years later, and my father, her son, died 7 years later. She thought differently than everyone else. People weren't good to her but she had strong faith. I wish I had her faith. She saw me happy and I hope I passed on some of that happiness. She was her usual self with her dignity no matter what she was going through. I wasn't very sensitive at the time so I didn't detect her energy, nor feel that she was at the end of her life. She said she had pain in her legs but I thought that was it. Also not only was I not sensitive, but I wasn't aware of anything. I was still somewhat of a stupid Swiss, thinking about myself but not in an organic way, in a weird " I don't know what I am doing in the world" kind of silly way . I had gotten better in SF, was starting to be a better person but it was just the beginning, like a tiny flower that had a lot of growing to do. I had potential at the time. Had I never come back to Switzerhell after that time, I could have created a better life for myself.
So anyway, we had great food and boring family talks. Then I spent 2 weeks hanging out at cafés with old friends, answering all their questions about the US and what I was doing. It seemed they were interested and since they were kids I went to school with, ands kids that I thought were my friends, I spent a lot of time telling them everything I could about my life in the US. At the time I still enjoyed answering those questions. I was happy to be in the US and was blind and deaf to their jealous sarcastic comments , somehow proving that they didn't know much about the world and still thought they knew everything and were the best. But it took me years to realize those things. It was another time later that I went back to my "home town", and spent time with one guy who I didn't think much of, but it turned out he was the only one who told me stories about how my supposed friends would say the nastiest things about me after I had just spent an hour talking to them about the US, and yes about how great it was. I couldn't believe some of the stuff these young people were capable of thinking, about me, a friend... But I really didn't have to see them again, ever, so I forgot about those lame souls. I know that their hatred came from jealousy mostly, so I pity them.
I then went back to the US. I had gotten a room in a German's woman house which I thought would be great. I didn't know to stay away from Europeans back then. But I quickly felt wrong at their house. There was that dark European heavy air which I didn't understand yet, but I nevertheless felt. I left. I went to the place where my mother and I lived when I was 12, a residence with mostly foreign people, some students, some working, some just visiting. I liked that place because it reminded me of the time with my mother, and because I liked to be around international people, well actually there were many Europeans... But I was still weak and needed to keep a link with my mother and that residence was that link in the US. If I could have let go of that umbilical cord and freed myself from my mother, I could have transferred all the money I had from my father instead of letting her manage it and send it for school only. I didn't even know how much I had exactly. Sometimes she would tell me I had hardly anything left, then the year later I 'd find out that I still had a lot to pay for the expensive foreign student fees at university. I went to four universities, changing my mind, my major. Not on purpose, but by changing schools, I had different advisers, to whom I told I had different interests. I was changing my mind all the time. My mother couldn't advise me there so I did what I felt was right every semester, but it was never right since I was changing major all the time. I was searching. I was a poor Swiss soul with a great gift of living in the US, but I didn't have the logic to use it productively. I shouldn't have gone to school until I had tried more dance training since that was my passion. I was like a two year old who had been given a motorcycle. It's like I took the bike apart because I was thrilled I had it and I had to do something with it. I looked at the pieces, played with them, but didn't use the bike to better my life in the long run. It took me all these years to get rid of whatever Swiss stupidity that was left in me. I believe I still struggle to get rid of some pieces here and there. I do feel freer inside since my 2 dogs entered my life. It's like they were 2 angels sent to me because I really needed them. And since the Swiss are slow, it took me 36 years to know what I want, and at that age, I am broke and struggling. Frustration of being in a country that is hell along with not having money, being without allies, would be deadly without my dogs, because there was one thing I learned in the US which was not to be a victim, not to feel I have to take people's crap. My dogs were there to bring me that positivism that I need to keep to keep my head out of the water. If my dogs hadn't been there in all those years living in Switzerhell, I don't know where I could have found that positivism. Certainly not in people.
In the US, I liked people a lot more, everywhere I went. However on a romantic note, I couldn't let white men come too close to me, they reminded me of the Swiss. I found refuge in dating black men. They were crazy, freer than anyone I had ever met, even though being black in America isn't always the most freeing feeling. Looking back, I think it was more their way of dealing with their not so lucky nor free in their country, that I admired. Even if they didn't have society on their side, people would mess with them and close a lot of doors in their face, they would still have that zest for life, that style, that rage to keep fighting. As a Swiss woman, all you learn is to take the punches, to duck and to stay quiet. I admired the spirit of the black American culture. I surely learned from it. I came to think I liked black men only, so I was closing the door to all other men. It was silly. It was like a revenge on Swiss men which I associated with white men in general. I was saying: "Here, look, I don't even see you anymore!" I was deep in black American culture and thought it was cool and felt right. Well it did for a while. Truth is I was so longing for something far away from Swiss that I hung on to a culture I liked, not realizing that I was limiting myself, closing doors, just like a good Swiss would do. I had fun and I learned a lot but didn't find a man that I could build a future with.
I went back to Switzerhell for a few Christmas. I somehow enjoyed going to check on the primitives and show them a thing or two. Those were idiot times. But I am Swiss after all, so an idiot. I liked to go show off how good my English had gotten. I also showed off how much progress I had made as a dancer. nobody knew much about dancing that it was like showing a dog how to play chess. I remember teaching aerobics in a health club, and working out afterwards in the gym. I was stretching, and this man came to me and yelled at me , in a very serious voice: " What are you doing opening your legs like that?" I was shocked at his attitude but knew that this poor man has never seen a woman stretch the way I was. At the gym if a woman was a bit more flexible than others, she wouldn't how off because she knew it would only bring her enemies. I know am very annoyed at that way of thinking, always having to hide your talent in order not to make others jealous and nasty. Back then, I still had a foot in the US so it would just be another story to tell my friends in the US. During those times I enjoyed having 2 worlds, the one in the US and the one in Switzerhell when I'd come back to. The very different worlds were like having 2 cultures and thinking I was making the best of it. I was young. I was not really living in Switzerhell. I was coming back for holidays, and we all know one can't judge a place based on a holiday or two. I had lived in Switzerhell when I was young and I had suffered my dad's death and living with a single mother, all the badgering and the harassment on my mother. I thought all was forgotten, life was good. Going back and forth, from the US to Switzerhell for the holidays was not a good idea but the best way for me to live my life at the time. Every time I took the plane back to the US, I had to cry, cry a lot even in the plane. I couldn't help it. It was leaving my mother that was making me cry that much. I didn't even understand it. I wasn't so sad to leave, but it was guttural. I either cried because I was more attached to my mother that I wanted or I had a serious Swiss problem! She was my only family so I always felt very close to her, but she was never very close to me. She never gave me anything but material things. Poor me but at least it taught me to be my best friend and I am an adult who doesn't need another human being around to help me emotionally or psychologically. But she at least helped me feel good with myself, like myself, like being alone. I can spend quality time with myself. Now I have my dogs which I love and I couldn't be without them. But dogs' company is not like human, it's presence of a soul but the connection with animals is different than with humans. I don't need the presence of a human but I enjoy great humans around me when that is possible! In Switzerland there is no such thing...
My mother had a Brazilian boyfriend when we were in the US for 6 months, and he did ask her to move to Brazil with her, and he was willing to take me along. I would have finished school in Brazil. She didn't have the guts. I think going to the US alone with her daughter for 6months was all the adventure and risk she could handle. It had been a big deal for her not only to organize our 6 months stay, but she also had had to deal with people telling her it was a bad idea, it was too risky, it was not good for me, etc,etc. She had wanted to take the sabbatical year she was allowed to take after 10 years of teaching, so she didn't listen to all these Swiss people trying to stop her from doing what she thought was going to be good for her and for me. Even if it seemed that her and that Brazilian guy were really in love, and for me, out of all the men she had dated after my father's death, this guy was the only one I ever liked as a person. So it could have worked. We could have moved to Brazil. But my mother couldn't take the risk. The Swiss fears in her quickly came surging in, telling her to take the safe road, back to Switzerhell.
When I was in the US alone, going to school, I wasn't visualizing a future for myself. I was trying to enjoy every single days as if the Swiss devil was, one day or another, going to send me back to hell. He was also sending me messages: "Having too much fun is bad! I will soon have to send you back to Switzerhell where you belong!". The only true exit I could create for myself was a safe drug. It became dancing, and with more adrenaline: aerobics. I was an aerobics junkie for a while. I liked the dancing mixed with the high energy. I thought it was good to be an aerobics addict opposed to any other kind of drugs, I thought. Well since I put so much energy in aerobics, took a lot of classes, I always needed more. I had less and less energy left for classes at school. I wasn't doing so well. We had a fire at the residence where I was living one night and we were all moved to a hotel. It was so much fun. I liked the fact that we were taken to a hotel in a bus in the middle of the night, and then we got to stay at the hotel for about 5 days. Needless to say the standard was higher at the hotel, it was luxurious compared to our little residence, so I had fun. In the middle of the euphoria, a cool guy from Iran said he was giving out a ticket for a trip to Hawaii with flight and hotel for half the price since he had 2 tickets and his German girlfriend couldn't make it. Me, the Swiss who had never been anywhere and was in fear of my good life ending soon, took him on his offer because I thought I wouldn't get the chance to go to Hawaii ever again. There we were, 3 weeks later, in Hawaii...Decent guy, didn't try to seduce me or anything. Well he was probably scared of what it would look like, an Iranian guy attacking a younger girl. I don't know if that's what he thought, all I know is that he was cool. We shared a room, different beds, went to the beach and visited other places. I had planned on studying while I was there since I missed school for a week, but it was too hard... One day I met this other guy from Hawaii who took me to another beach and who also didn't take advantage of me, really nice guy. For a Swiss girl, to meet guys that are nice and pleasant without trying to take advantage of me, was like heaven. I do however remember that at that beach I had gone into the water and got trapped in a wave where I quickly had the feeling I was going to die, but I fought really hard and swam through like a crazy person. That was scary. I thought that was the Swiss devil saying: "See I could take you down anytime! and you are having too much fun and it's bad!" As a Swiss, having fun is like a foreign language you are not supposed to learn. So overall Hawaii was fun but when I got back, I realized I fell back in my studies and couldn't catch up with the others. I wasn't about to study day and night.... I had to go to aerobics! Well ok, I was silly at that time. But it was the Swiss girl coming of the deep sad cynic mentality of Switzerhell, and not wanting to go back to it, so I needed dancing and aerobics to keep me happy! I wasn't ready for university, I hardly knew myself or what I really was interested in, in this world. So I dropped out of that semester. Needless to say, it was a big mistake. I remember my mother came to visit at that time. She was upset and made me feel guilty that I couldn't do anything right and that I was going to pay for it later in life. However she was actually happy to be on holidays. She wanted me to feel miserable, she didn't want it to ruin her trip. The Swiss are really good at punishing others in all sorts of ways, but feeling like they themselves do the right thing. My mother did succeed at making feel miserable. And that was her goal. I thought that was what mothers did, make you feel miserable when you deserve it. Mothers giving love and all that, I didn't know about. I didn't even realize she had been a "bad" mother until I got my first dog later, a small breed. This little dog was the cutest thing ever. I was so happy to have him in my life. He was bringing me su much joy and motivation every single morning when I would see him. I really needed that back then. My mother yelled at me for getting that dog like I had committed a crime or done something really bad. There was no reason to get upset for that little dog. She was really jealous that I could feel so happy with that small dog. It bothered her.
After I dropped out of school that semester, I wanted to work, get into the real world. I thought that's what I wanted. The Swiss had a "revelation". She needed to work. I couldn't work and go to school, that was too much for my Swiss brain to comprehend, plus I needed my aerobics dosage every day. So I looked for a job, found one in a tourist shop by the wharf. I was selling T-shirts and souvenirs. At first it was new and I enjoyed it, but it soon became boring and I quit after about 6months. I moved back into the girls' apartment with the 2 roommates. I was taking more and more dance classes. I got a job offer at the YMCA as an aerobics coordinator, which I refused because I would miss all my favorite dance classes which happened on Monday and Wednesday nights... Silly, silly, silly. If I could turn back time, that's one of the things I would change: take that job!! A stupid Swiss like me, offered a job as a coordinator? I didn't even see the honor. I was just holding on to my "fun" life, like I was counting the days, like it was going to be taken from me, but I myself couldn't end it by working fulltime while missing my favorite classes! My mother said I should go back to school. She used to say I was full of illusions. I was dreaming too much, I had had too much luck so far. The greatest motivation I ever got in my life was from my dance teachers. They were always the ones who gave me strength, mental ad physical and told me I could do things, I had potential. Maybe they could see through my dancing that I could be a better and stronger person than what I had grown up to be in Switzerhell.
I guess I could have become a great person, but my downfall was that I was so attached to the Hell I came from. When I was in the US for a while, I always started missing Switzerhell. I would think of the good times there, totally forget about the bad times. So if the excuse wasn't Christmas, it was something else. One of my roommates had never been to Europe and like most young Americans, she was dying to go there. It didn't help me stay away from home when all Americans would tell me was how great Europe was, or probably was... So for one summer, my roommate and I had decided to go to Switzerhell for a while, then to Paris for an acting course and then visit Italy. Going back to Europe was always a mistake for me. I would never learn anything. I should not have gone back at all. But it was fun. Paris at the Florent school, and then the vacation in Italy. It reminded me of all the vacation that I spent there with my father. He used to only want to go to Italy on vacation when he was there. When I was little, we went to Italy every summer, to different places but always Italy. My roommate wanted to visit Italy, the big cities and the monuments since she had some Italian heritage in her and it was her first time there.
Then I went to NYC. I enrolled in an acting summer program, and a dancing intensive at NYU. I then enrolled for a semester at NYU in the Dance education department. That ate up half of the money I had left. I had an audition at Julliard. Stupid me didn't go! I don't remember if it was because I knew I didn't have the money to do the 4 years even if I got admitted in the school or if it was because I thought I wouldn't make it anyway. As a Swiss, I knew I couldn't compete with all these real dancers. As my mother told me, since I didn't start dancing when I was 5 or 6, I could never be a true professional dancer. That was how it was. I believed her. A Swiss girl can be dumb! I had my first acting agent, who sent me on a lot of auditions, but my Swiss self didn't get any. I was too nervous, too awkward. He also started to flirt with me and that turned me right off. He reminded me of Swiss men in his behavior. After my summer intensive at NYU, and before agreeing to study in the dance education department, I wanted to attend Tish School of the Arts. Someone from the school came to see me in ballet and said I wasn't ready for Tish, I wouldn't be admitted...
Great things happened to me in the US considering I was this lazy messed up, lost in the world, Swiss girl. I lived a lot of exciting events, good times with fun people. But when I think back in Switzerhell, the most exciting event that ever happened was probably the day we went to get our first dog, Sirius, the Bernese. He came from a farm next to a small castle. I remember I was excited. Feelings at the time were blurry, but I didn't know of any more exciting feelings. I was Swiss, I didn't have real feelings. But I thought I was excited. I was just a kid and like every other kid, was experiencing feelings. In Switzerhell,we thought we felt a certain way because society was telling us, other people were telling us we must feel like this or like that. Adults don't even have feelings , they just think they do. It's a weird concept to explain. I was dull just like any other Swiss. The thought of getting a puppy is supposed to be an exciting thought, just like all the families who get their first puppy. Unfortunately, most of these families in Switzerhell don't know about dogs, and end up giving up the grown puppy. We kept our puppy, knowing that we had someone who would take him when we went away on holidays, week-ends, etc. No Swiss knows how lucky Switzerhell is to have puppies in the countries. I say it is too ugly a place for puppies. Puppies are full of life, they only know joy. They are the anti-Swiss way of seeing the world. Switzerland doesn't deserve to have dogs.
I believe I opened up out of the Swiss shell a bit, somewhere in my young life when I was in the US. It is hard to say when. I guess I was lucky because most Swiss I know who move to a different country don't change at all. I changed bit by bit, not at once. But I can see and feel ( in this case feelings are important) the difference of myself before and after. Some will say that I was a kid and of course a person evolves as she grows up. But no, it's more like I didn't grow up, I grew out of the filth a little bit ( and a little bit is a lot for a Swiss). I don't why I was lucky enough to get that openness at that time, which developed. I should have never come back to Switzerhell as an adult, because now that I feel things, I see how disgusting that place is. And being Swiss hurts more because when you see another group of people or foreigners acting a certain way, you can just say: Oh well, that's how THEY are. But as much as I can feel like a foreigner at times, Switzerhell is still where I am from. I can't forget that I am Swiss. And coming back to Switzerhell as an adult has turned me into this:
My life in this dirty place
I could shoot these people for staring at me a certain way and for looking at my dog a certain way. Have I gone nuts? Have I become so sensitive ? Am I acting like a ghetto kid who can't stand being stared at? Well, talk about ghetto, I have always felt right at home in the ghetto areas in New York. I lived in Harlem for a while, not the pretty part, and I have always felt people were like the Swiss, or vice versa. They stare in an ugly way, like they want to kill you but they can't, or like they hate you but they don't know exactly why. It's been like that ever since my mother and I moved out to live the in an apartment just the 2 of us . The Swiss are like ghetto people in the way they speak their language while making a lot of grammatical mistakes, in their case, French. I never understood why the Swiss couldn't speak French properly like the French. And no, it's not because they all speak Swiss-German because most don't. We learn German at school at an early age but like everyone who learns a language in school, only a few remember much of it when they finish school. And the Swiss don't know how to dress, just like in the ghetto, you see weird-ass combinations of pieces of clothing even if when you dress like everyone else you get less stares, but a lot of Swiss don't care about the other animals staring at them because they know they do the same. And like ghetto people, they talk like they know everything about everything! The more you know , the more you realize that you don't know much...Well, they don't learn much except their school stuff, like math, history and geography. They think they're the best in everything and that they have all the answers. Of course, you also have a bunch of shy people who don't express themselves much, and those can be as vicious as the loud ones. The Swiss is not a society who pushes talent and brains. The way to fit in is to be average. I did my best to fit in until I went to the US when I was 12. Then my life changed forever. I came back after 6 months in the US, and I knew then I had become different and I expected everyone to stare. It was normal. I didn't run from it. I was almost enjoying it. It's only later that I learned about the kind of disgusting comments people would say about me, like " who does she think she is acting different just because she went to the United States?" " I hate her, the way she is and acts" coming from people who acted like friends. When I learned about all that, I still couldn't be bothered. Living in Switzerhell when I was 13 to 16, after I had been to the US and lived at a faster pace, physically and especially mentally, it was tough. That was why I felt the need to go back at 17. I was liking life more and more, living in such a better world. I grow up in a culture like the Swiss where real warmth in people is very rare, I really had no idea what it was. When some men gave me real warmth, yet didn't ask me to sleep with them I was confused. Being Swiss was a handicap. My father being dead only played a small role in me being messed up, emotionally. Most Swiss are. I went back to the US on several occasions, trying different things, learning along the way and growing to be me, and getting to know me. I have a certain sick attraction to coming back to Switzerhell not only because my mother is there but sometimes I think I have learned enough and I am ready to have a quiet life in my home country. The first times I came back there and tried to settle, I would get a fun job like teaching aerobics, so life wasn't so bad even if I would always get sick of it after a year and want to go back to the US. And that I did. But money was getting low, and visas were getting hard to get.
Well living in Switzerhell as an adult had turned me into someone who wants revenge because the pain is too much. I am often at the point where either I 'll hurt someone or my sanity or health will be harmed. My health has already been harmed, when I live in Switzerhell I have so much stress because of the peace that I don't get, and that's not even talking about the worries of money, car, job, apartment.... It's the people and their nasty comments and actions on an every day basis. I did come back to Europe because my mother was telling me she'd get a garden and a house that I'd rent . I have seen nothing of a house with a garden, only my cheap chalet with no running water. But I am also feeling that my health is deteriorating because of the stress and the goal it seems these people have to ruin my life. I know it's only a feeling. I know the Swiss are not that organized, to plan on ruining my life. I have gotten to the point where I can't even stand these people around me, so the bear fact of seeing them around gives me stress. My cholesterol level is super high, and I am not really fat. It's the stress. I'll have a nervous breakdown or I'll have cancer or another illness which I may be on the way of getting , because of these trash-ass people who won't leave me alone. So if any one of these vermine fucks goes too far I obviously won't be able to handle it, and I will strangle one of them. It may be funny to write that, and if some people would know this they would either not believe it or think I am going crazy, but the thing is I am still somewhat smart and sane! I am just not into destroying myself in order to be their cherished victim. I fight back and so far I have been able to think about patience, that I would get my revenge later, that I'll get lucky and life will get so good for me that it'll be the best revenge ever. But it doesn't feel right, this life doesn't feel good right now. Every time I come back to that country . But the fact that I could be illegal in the US and the thought of having me and the dogs deported , as I have heard happened to some French people, made me very nervous about going back to the US without a proper visa. I may not have weighed all the points right, but I still came back to Switzerhell because I can work and make enough money to live on my own, even poor, I can survive. In NYC it was harder the last time I went. The US is great and as a citizen, I know I could make a living, even have a career, but as a foreigner, poverty is a killer.
There is a country out there that I love, the US where I am not legal to work or to stay long term. And there is a country where I am legal to work and be, but the people treat me as if I needed to get out of the country. I am so sick and tired of the Swiss. If these people had to struggle a little more, they wouldn't have so much time on their hands to mess with other people's lives. At the gym, I get sick when they pass by me close, just to show me they can, and that they exist! I'd understand if the atmosphere at the gym was all fun and crazy cool.... But it's definitely not! When you listen to the kind of conversations they have, well since unfortunately I understand their language, are uninteresting , not funny and they so have nothing to say that they talk about the weather for 10 minutes or things like that... They sicken me when they think they are so smart and so important, I feel like puking when there are too many Swiss around at the gym or anywhere else. And when on top of being Swiss, they're all majorly ugly older guys with shorts....Yuck caca yuck¨! I can be funny and tell you how these older men like to wear shorts, both to show their legs that are still active, and to let their skin breathe... The young guys at the gym don't wear shorts. It's not funny how older men should hide their legs and the younger ones could show a few. Older men rule the world, I know. Am I over sensitive? Maybe I was spoiled in the US, maybe I was around too many fun people all the time and I can't stand a bit of scum anymore. American women don't know how good they have it! They think they just have it good when they compare themselves to women who have to wear veils or who don't have the right to vote or who are kept at home in some countries. But there are those little every day rights that seem like nothing sometimes, and are very important to well-being.
Sometimes I think I'll only feel better when I have taken my revenge, when I have killed all the fucks who have messed with my life for no other reason than to bug me! If at least I had looked for s*** in the first place, then I'd say ok I can't be surprised. But no. Sometimes I feel like the only reason I don't kill them ( well yes kill because hurting them would only make them want to attack me more), is for my dogs, because I couldn't bear the fact that I'd be sent in jail and my dogs to the pound. The thought of my 2 dogs in a cage at the pound wondering why I abandoned them, well that thought only could kill me, if not by me just thinking then by me killing myself. I am not suicidal but my dogs are my kids and any drastic horrible thing happening to them because of me, I couldn't bear. Even if sometimes I am really hard on Shadow, have been tough with him, I consider him my son, like Shiva ( who I don't ask much of). When I am mad at Shadow for something he did, or didn't do most often, I may not be as protective and if anything happened to him in that period of time it would be partly his fault so I wouldn't kill myself.... But me in jail while they are still alive, I couldn't stand. That would be the worse feeling I could think of ever. So I hold back, I don't kill people... for my dogs' sake!!!
Thinking about why do I let these verminous people get to me? Why can't I ignore them? At the gym, at the store, on the road, etc. Well aside from the fact that I am alone against them ( I dont want a man to protect me unless it's Mr Right), it's because I am poor. Poverty sucks! That is the main frustration that I am feeling helpless. Being poor is the reason why I can't ignore pricks, and why I am feeling so miserable. That's why I have so much hatred. I often ignore the fact that I am poor. I act like I am rich, and I feel better and then fall on my ass in many ways. I have to admit that I am poor and I can't stand it!!! I am feeling miserable. I need money so much more then love to protect myself from these Swiss bastards.
I grew up in Switzerhell, thinking I was rich. All my school years, being an only child, we ( with my father when he was alive and then only with my mother) used to go on vacation three or four times a year when my friends would only go once or twice . I somehow thought we were richer because of that. It was when I went to the US alone when I was 17 that I started to see that there are people out there who are really rich...At the time I had some money, I had money from my father's death so it's not like I felt poor in the beginning. I went to university and gave a lot of money there like that. I was 18 so I could have done anything I wanted with that money but my mother was in control, telling me what to do. Of course I was half way across the world but somehow I still gave her control over that money. She wanted me to go to university ( because my father would have wanted me to do so she always said...). I so wasn't ready, I was an ignorant Swiss who was discovering a better world, and trying to take advantage of it!! As if it was going to stop at some point... Was I psychic or just had a loser's mind?? I now think I have always had a loser's mind... coming from this verminous country, with the engrained fear and unconscious thought that women can't do much in life. I had opportunities, I always messed things up for myself. The only good thing I pursued was dancing. Even that I messed up. I thought I needed love , but I needed mental help to overcome the Swiss verminous roots in my brain. I never found love. I met great guys, no doubt, great black men. Poor men mostly. I never had any marriage proposal. I must say I have always protected myself a bit by not letting men into my life too much, because I am proud, or unable to have real intimate relationships because of the lack of warmth from my childhood. From my father I strangely don't remember much. I learned warmth from some men in life but maybe I couldn't give it back. I don't know I always say I haven't been really lucky in love. But having dated mostly black men, I have to say that I didn't have any bad experience either. Love is hard to find for everyone. I think people settle too often for companionship rather than waiting for love. But poverty is the worse thing in the world. If you have real love I guess you can sort of cry together... I do it with my dogs, it feels better for 10 minutes but then reality hits back. The problem with being poor in that country where people are scum, is that they will mess with you more when you are poor, because they can! And looking at these rich people, mostly idiots, thinking they can mess with poor people's life just because they can!! Revenge is my only happy thought about these scum! Before they had messed with me, and all I wanted was to get out of there, which I still do, but I am not sure it will be enough. I think I have endured too much crap over the years from these Swiss people to just let it go! And seeing them driving in their expensive cars to their million dollar homes , it makes me hate even more! I am frustrated because I am poor I admit, I hate being poor so much. I am ashamed of it even though I pretend I am fine ( I dont even realize it ), but really I am just covering, the pain, the hurt. I want to do so many things that require money that without it, I am just surviving, hanging. I don't think I can attract real love feeling like this as well, so it's like I have got to have money to find me first! It's not that I haven't found me because one thing I am confident about is that now at my age I can say I know who I am and what I want. I don't always know what to choose in the lesser choices, like from one shitty job to another, or one crapy apartment to another: Those choices I am not good at because iti's not really what I want. But I guess I am a looser because I haven't been able to get money on my own in the world, somehow. Knowing that I didn't want to marry an ugly, boring man for money because I couldn't have, I would rather be poor....but I am suffering from being poor, more than I want to admit. I always want to say that I am happy, I complain a lot but I am happy. I want to believe that. In reality it's eating me alive to be poor, and to be poor in that country! My country! Yuck!!!
I am so saddened by the fact that I come from such a lame ugly culture. I have been watching a lot of Indian movies lately and I admire their rich beautiful culture. It's full of great things, full of love and respect. There are scum bags in every country I am sure, but the majority is a certain way which defines the country as a whole. The US has great values, great common sense and lots of fun and positive vibes. Switzerland is such a disgusting, hypocritical, hating- their- neighbors, majority of scum bags all over the country. They are a bunch of humans with lost souls who don't know why they're here, as they shouldn't be because they're not worthy of living. They are so messed up and dumb, that they can't enjoy all that money that they have. I know there are some poor Swiss, like me, but that's a minority. All the streets look clean, but go to these people's houses, even the rich ones and you will see trash! disease! And inside their minds is the worst trash really! No souls, no beauty inside, no energy, no life!! Unbelievably dull and worthless people! I have met people from many cultures and there always was something I liked in them. I have yet to meet an uglier culture than the Swiss. A lot of countries have a lot of problems and the world can usually see these problems. Switzerland has a filthy people living on the land and no one knows about it. The elite of that country shows a great image and hides its people because they are so filthy. The country welcomes foreigners, the rich and smart ones rather, to make up for all the idiot Swiss. The country is becoming like a rich ghetto of idiots with a small minority of smart foreigners who run businesses. The foreigners integrate less and less. They live in the same areas and start building villages where they are in majority. I wish I came from a great culture. Like the US for example, the country has bad people but those don't define the country. They are exceptions. They are the ones we see on TV in Europe though. That's why Europeans tend to say Americans are crazy, messed up and more. Because the US is big on showing everything on TV, unlike other countries who hide things, and Switzerland hides a lot compared to its worldwide image!!!
Most Europeans who are right next to Switzerhell don't know about the Swiss. Take the French who are living next door to the French speaking part of Switzerhell, well they hate the Swiss but most French you ask why they don't know really, they come up with things like : they don't know how to drive or they hate us so we hate them, or little stupid differences. Reality is they feel the ugliness and filthiness of these Swiss people, but they can't put their finger on it really. I am not a fan of the French, one can hate them for their arrogance and what not, but you can't hate them totally, there is always something you can find in their culture which you'll like, whether it's their food, humour, silliness or other, but that's what makes a culture all right when there are things you can appreciate. But realistically, if you ask foreigners who live in Switzerhell, the things they like about Swiss culture, most of them can't come up with one, except maybe the clean streets... Which if you go to the big cities, it's just as dirty as any other city in the world, and if you go to villages, you can find clean villages all over the world as well. People , even foreigners are so brainwashed by the Swiss image, that they don't realize that nothing is unique there. And the people are not even decent!!!!It's sad to come from a such a place. It's sad to have no other country to call home. I am sad.
Little things sometimes get to you when they are repetitive. Living in this country for me is like living in a foreign country that you didn't choose and that you hate. You made a mistake and you're stuck there. I feel stuck. It's like being in jail. I am not enjoying anything except my dogs. I still have my spirit and I want to enjoy things like the gym which I love usually. It's a gross space with vermine everywhere. Oh some gyms are clean, some are dirty, full of diseases and germs, but that's not even my point. Yes it should be clean, since the first image of this country is CLEAN. But some health clubs, like the big chains save money on the cleaning salaries.. I don't care about that if the place is fun, or people treat others like smart human beings that they should be, not low life animals! I love animals by the way, but not with two legs and a human brain.... Health clubs are for meeting people because they sit on machines and stare, and wait... They've got really sophisticated machines and equipment, but the level of training is far from the technology! In poor countries where some people want to train , sometimes can't even afford to go to the gym, they have old machines and still use them in a smarter way! Of course in the US, in the expensive gyms, people know how to work out mostly. Qualified trainers are there to help if not. In Switzerhell there are trainers, hardly qualified, but if people would at least listen to the trainer, they would work out in a half decent way. The problem with these idiots is that they think they know everything, but they don't know jack! Because they have money , they think they know everything about everything! I know a few uneducated poor people in the US who pretend to know everything. It's the denial complex. Denial to be poor and uneducated. the Swiss are strongly convinced they know a lot!! usually in the real world, the more you know the more you realize that you don't know much! If they know a bit more than their neighbor, they think they rule the world! These people are pathetic! Can this hell hole exist?? Is that country made for the rich idiotic people of the world? I am just trying to find it an excuse sometimes. Like if this country had turned into a place where the riches of the world can come and put their money and live 3 months a year in highly guarded mansions. A group of people has turned these Swiss people into morons who would shut up and leave the rich alone because their brains have become so ill!? They keep the salaries pretty high so that Swiss people stay satisfied and they threaten their confort if they open their mouths about anything. And their brains being so dull, they won't start thinking about things! They put barriers on everything, close doors in people's faces. Could it be that some people somewhere have created that idiot place. People like me, who aren't rich have to live around these morons! Because if you're rich, you can live in the country without having to interact with people from there. Switzerhell has been without a war, without any risk of rebels, extremists, etc for some reason....Well yes if they created that place to be the way it is. Small-ass cops might not even know that that place is controlled by higher intelligence. I am just trying to find ways to explain that stupid place and its people! Otherwise the world would know, the world would point their finger at these idiots! The world and the media usually easily points a finger! But funnily enough Switzerhell has been exempt from that! Jewish people tried to do it about their money that was lost in Swiss banks. But as much as we heard a lot about that story on the news, it funnily ended after a while and no one ever talked about it again! As if the money that Switzerhell paid was really all the money that Jewish people had put in Swiss banks!!! Come on! I wonder if the Jewish people who came out and dared open their mouths are still alive... Who knows.. Swiss banks gave millions, but they should have given more. The Swiss however were forced to give that money back. It didn't belong to them but they were holding it and thought no one would ever dare come and ask for it with such a big scandal. The Swiss were hurt and angry. That's one of the great things the United States taught me: to feel free to open my mouth if I feel it's right! Not to be afraid to say things even if someone out there will not like it! American culture has so many great aspects when it comes to human growth, integrity and believing in one's self. American culture is great in just about every aspect if you ask me. Of course not every single person is applying those aspects into their lives. But that's normal, as long as the majority is strong and smart. In Switzerhell, the majority is dumb, dull, bitter and vicious. How can one live in a place like that? You can't live alone there that's for sure. You have got to live in tribes, or couples at the very least!! I have lived my share of hellish years, when do I get out? It's like jail. The funny thing is that jail in Switzerland is not worse than society in general. If I didn't have my dogs, I would feel better in a jail than outside. Cops do what they want in or out of jail. Criminals run around in and outside of jails. The milk is good in and out of jail. Yes I like milk there and in jail they serve Swiss milk as well! Plus the violence is not greater in jail from what I have heard. Murder happens and is not reported, is unknown, in and outside of jail. Conversations between people must be just as fascinating in than out of jail! So really if I have to be stuck in that place, I 'll stay out of jail for my dogs, but then who knows? Unfortunately dogs don't live as long as humans.
I love the rich. I went to a job interview in a big hotel in Geneva. I probably didn't get it because I felt sick as soon as I got in and it probably showed. The personnel is so hypocritical, and you can tell. They are supposed to be overly nice and hypocritical or not, no one is supposed to tell! I was just looking around at that world: All the jewelry for millions of dollars, all the facial creams which also cost a millions dollars...The conversations about nothing, bla bla bla. All the scumbags' wives who think their husbands work in reputable firms....And their big bad worries are about what to wear and how much not to weigh! I am dying to become rich but god forbid, I will never be part of that cream!
I can't believe I am in Switzerhell.
Some days like , I can't believe I ended up in that country again, after having lived in great country like the USA. I have seen life, people with great spirits and charm. I somehow came back in that rat hole. How did that happen? How did I do that to myself? My thought process I understand and since I am Swiss I know that something in me has become border suicidal because I can't stand being from Switzerland and I'd like to kill that part of me, but above all I thought I grew, I learned...And there I am 36 years old and back in that country, with no money to go anywhere!! I am in a big hole. I don't see how I am going to get out of it. If I don't my life is over.
The Swiss are spiritless and soul-less. They are such an interesting people they make me vomit. It's not because I know them well that I take them for granted, no it's because I know them well that I know how dull their insides are. Some foreigners might think they have something different in the beginning because they are not like them but after a while they realize that they love the Swiss at a distance. I am not sure there is another people on this planet that is so plain, dull and without a spirit! Poor countries have other rich culture traits, are passionate and creative. Rich countries use their money to educate themselves , to experience life in many ways. Switzerhell has the frustration of the dumb and the lack of motivation of the poor even if they have money! These people are no fun to be around, they have no conversation, no sense of humour ( trust me the ones that think they do are pretty ridiculous). I feel like I punished myself by coming back there. I punished myself for what? Maybe for growing too fast compared to these idiots? By living what life should be like? I don't feel linked to these people at all but maybe there is an animal part in that sees the country as its territory so I came back to it..? All I know is that I feel like crap being there and it's getting worse everyday. It's not so much that I feel like crap inside but it's the environment. I feel like running away but the lack of money scares me in the sense that I am afraid of coming back just like I did a few times in the past. If I had money I'd be gone as I am typing these words!
My building. For a year and a half I have been living in a building of poor people, retarded people, ghosts who we never hear, young people who live like old people, and a wacko concierge ( the super) who tried to kick me out by messing with me anyway he can because I some days live like a normal person... He thinks he rules the building and controls everything. He has the brain of a mouse and tells everyone what to do. The idiots mostly follow his rules. He feels like slapping me. I feel like shooting him. Next door to me I have a Portuguese alcoholic housecleaner who wakes me up every night because she doesn't sleep much and cleans and does who knows what except reading and stay quiet in the middle of the night. She is a worm. I have nothing against housecleaners. They can be respectable people just like any other profession , but not this one.
walking the dogs around the village.... I was walking through this forsaken village on the hill over the lake. Great view" I said on my first day there and I maintain there is a nice view. I don't always realize the amount of beautiful homes there are in this village. It's even more disgusting to know that these filthy people who try little shits in my back to make their message clear that I was never welcome there with a dog of a breed they don't like. I not only got their message from the beginning, even if back then I was so cheerful I used to still say hello to everyone even if they didn't answer. I have changed from someone who was willing to make an effort to the point where I feel like shooting most of these people! They live in gorgeous homes ( close to each other but they like that these fucks), with a great view on the lake and the Alps, and they go out of their way to mess with a woman's life, a poor woman may I add ( I live in a tiny studio with a small window and definitely no view, not even sun in the day time! Northern exposure) , just because she has got a certain breed of dog. I have grown to despise those people for that bare fact. With my personality I could have looked for trouble, had guys over, have mini parties lots of music. But I came to a village because I wanted peace! Right! These people have tried everything to kick me out, to make me feel so uncomfortable that I would cry and leave. What they don't know is that they have given birth to a baby called Hatred. Whether they know about that hatred or not, they think I will loose it in some way and either they'll call the cops or they'll see me leave because I can't take it anymore. Well, I do want to leave, trust me, but my baby Hatred wants to do a drive by shooting aiming at all the fucks who have messed with me in any way. The one and only thing that is stopping me is my dogs. I love them and I won't be on the run with them. Now I am getting to a point where I am almost not able to control myself and feel the hatred wants to come alive. So I will have to leave, but I plan on coming back if my dogs die, which people should pray that they never do.
It's one thing to have ghetto people, or black people in Harlem hate my guts for being there and being white. Most of those haters are not wealthy and go through discrimination themselves when they go to Manhattan or to work everyday in a white neighborhood. I didn't like how they made me feel but looking back, they don't have the life they want and they are frustrated; it's easy to hate and I understand it. Just like it's easy to hate for me now, I am poor and frustrated to be stuck in Switzerhell. But these rich people who have 2 million dollar houses with expensive cars and everything they want, being so vicious and stepping on people's life just because they don't like the breed of dog they have... Think about it! Imagine what they feel when they don't like your skin color. It's not like rich people all over the world don't give a crap about poor people, but they don't waste their time destroying their lives just because of the breed of their dogs!!! If at least the dog had shown any kind of aggression, then it would be different! I understand hating someone for something they did or that happened because of them, but the hatred of these Swiss people ( and the foreigners who decide to live there always have something in common with the Swiss) is pathetic and makes me want to destroy that part of the world. Just like terrorists shouldn't exist, the Swiss who want to break their neighbors ' lives, especially the poor people because the rich feel the poor can't do much against them . Why? because most of the poor people in that country are idiots who can't get a job , really very retarded people, or foreigners who came from poor countries ( Eastern European countries and some African countries) and who cops beat up every chance they get!
Italians : I have a weakness for Italians, but I must talk about the ones who live there in Switzerland: They don't like the Swiss but they live there because either they work there and they love to go home and say : I work in Switzerland ( the image of Switzerland is still so good that even the surrounding countries see it as a higher standard because more rich people live there). But the Italians stay together , don't mix with the Swiss . And they love to talk really loud in public. It's not because they can't help it, it's their culture anymore as they have been living in Switzerhell for so long. But they want to scream to the world that they are not Swiss, they are Italian! Which is great but they overdo it and they talk about people out loud as if no one speaks Italian! Plus they know that when they are in a group the Swiss will never talk back at them even if they are insulting the Swiss or other cultures. Yes living in Switzerland does not make you smarter but come on! Don't make a fool of yourself just because you hate the place because I could do a lot of that too!
All the foreigners who live in Switzerhell for a long time basically resemble the Swiss in one way or another. There is such scum energy in Switzerland that it's very difficult for me to keep my spirit, positive energy and good faith. I have been fighting this Swiss hostile, negative, ugly and disgusting energy for all the years I came back to live in Switzerhell, because I thought it couldn't be that bad and my positive nature was always hoping that I would find a place in the country where I could be happy, or happier. The truth is it's beautiful to be optimistic, but there are no places in Switzerhell where the energy is clear and bright. I have been fighting to keep my sanity, trying not to think about murder every day. I have put too much energy to fight that ugly place, and I am not talking about the land! The land didn't do anything to me. The problem the Swiss have with me ultimately, is that I have a huge amount of freedom in me which they don't have. They don't like that in me. I know them, they hate a lot of people and want to see them dead. The Swiss live with that. They don't act on it most of the time ( otherwise Switzerland would be a war zone), because they have been taught to be scared, and most of all they don't have the freedom in their mind to actually think they could do it and survive it ( killing the ones they hate). I have their hatred, even if I am trying to get rid of it because I know that spending my time and thoughts on them is a waste of my life, but every time one drives me nuts, or tries something on me, I recall all the fucks who I despise, and who have messed with me and to whom I haven't done anything, and it hurts. But The fact that I have that freedom of mind which they don't have, makes me more dangerous than them. I don't feel especially good about that, but it's a fact. I want to kill many of them, and I can. The only thing that’s stopping me are my dogs. Unfortunately for them, dogs don't live as long as humans.... Killing humans is as much of big deal for me as killing an animal. When an animal attacks someone, it is self defense to kill it. Can I tell you the amounts of animals getting killed for no reason in the world???? I try not to think about it.
Truth is killing is too easy. Someone once said hell is on earth. Well yes for a lot of people and animals! Take someone's life and you're doing them a favor. But make them suffer, pain is the best remedy for assholes. So many times, I feel like killing because it's like deleting, making them disappear, go away forever. Well, killing is really helping the Swiss person , and then I'd have to pay for it ? No thanks. Hurting people takes time and energy. Do it right, don't get caught. It's a drag. The bare fact that I wish a lot of Swiss people ( mostly the ones who have interfered in my life because of my dogs) were dead, is an insult that should hurt them. If I tell them I want them dead, they laugh. A woman talks a lot, she gets emotional, but she doesn't do anything, they think. They have hurt me because I am over sensitive, and because when you're alone, you tend to be forced to listen to whatever comments the idiots make on the street ( putting an Ipod on is dangerous when you know how these people drive!). They have gotten to me also because I am frustrated as it is to be stuck with them, in their country. A Spanish student of mine ( I was teaching French) once told me that he thought it was disgusting to hear a person talk about her own people in such a bad way. He was young and his level of French was good enough that we would have long conversations about everything and we were both open about sharing our feelings on many things. He had just gotten to Switzerhell and didn't know much about the Swiss except what he had heard which was a lot of good, like most people outside the country ( thanks to that great marketing team who sell Switzerland like a bitter chocolate wrapped in pretty paper). I understood what he was saying and didn't take it as an insult at all. Truth is I don't feel Swiss at all. Ever since I left home when I was 17, I have become one of those American immigrants. Sure I didn't take the right steps to get my papers in order to stay there, but the people I feel closest to in general are either Americans or immigrants from all over the world who decided to live in the United States. This Spanish guy had a point, plus he was Catalan, so his people mean a lot to him. He is politically active in his region and I understood where he was coming from. Of course it's sad for me not to be able to like or love the country I was born in. Had my mother not brought me to the US when I was 12, I would have learned to deal with Switzerhell probably. Is it good or bad that she took me to the Unites States? I don't know. If I get to go back and be happy, then it was good. If I am stuck there forever, broke and frustrated, then it wasn't good.
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